Just a tad emotional

My emotions have been going pretty wild this weekend. I knew it would be hard to be away from JD and my family for the seders, but I had no idea that I would spontaneously fall apart and then recover multiple times. It was a long walk to the first seder. In the dark, and I was worried that I was going the wrong way. And I remember feeling rather annoyed at how far it was, and then realizing that I was walking down the street sobbing on my way to the seder.

I also sent JD a super-nasty e-mail about how long it's been taking him to complete the 3 tiny wedding-planning things I gave him. To be fair, this is my party and when I said I wanted a mid-sized wedding, he reminded me that I would have to do the planning. But he has been dragging his feet on the 3 little things I gave him (and to clarify, 2 of those things were his own outfit and gifts for the groomsmen, we're not talking super-complicated items). But clearly they can be done anytime in the next few weeks. Instead I sent him a deadline with a threat. Ooops.

I also sent a dear friend an e-mail that I was pissed at him. His offense? Having a meeting that ran late so he didn't have time to call me this past week. Of course, he has no idea why I want to talk so he obviously can't know it's a bit time sensitive. And who sends notes to their friends at my age to tell them they did something rude? It's straight back to middle school. At least I don't think he'll care.

So I guess something weird is still going on in my body. Which is relieving. I also had a nightmare that I accidentally got drunk at the seder, and then my mom was mad at me. Apparently she must have guessed my little secret in the dream.

The truth is the seders I went to really weren't great. The food was downright awful, and they lacked any real spirit. And because these are run-of-the-mill European Jews they insisted on starting at 10 pm and finishing at 2:30 am, and that meant I didn't get home till 3:30 am both nights. I don't mean to be rude because I really do appreciate the families inviting me into their homes and sharing with me. I guess that a good part of what rubs me the wrong way is this very small-minded attention to details. The seder is about identifying with the Jews in Egypt and exodus and celebrating our freedom since then. Yes, there are a lot of little rules but they're just not that critical in my world.

A little example: you are required to drink 4 cups of wine/grape juice. I was doing just fine sipping my grape juice and shifting the glass around when the seder leader told me in a stern voice that I had to finish the glass. There's no way I'm going to consume that much sugar before eating, and given that the meal was all carbs (the only meat was lunch meats - argh!), I was trying to be careful. I know that there are guidelines to the meal, but there's also something about not embarrassing your guests or making them feel sick. I have been trying to be really careful about sugar because of GD and because I'm coming straight off a no-carb diet, and I refused to back down. And everyone was pretty horrified at my 'irreligiosity.'

That said, I walked back both nights with a really nice 23-year old girl and she told me all about the community. I found it rather entertaining that she warned me several times against getting pregnant too soon after marrying, since that was so clearly end my career and all my freedom. It's tough to grow up in one of these communities.

The one fun thing was running into all the other Jews out on the street at 3-4 am. Because the streets are deserted here after about 10 pm, basically everyone we saw on our hour plus walk home had just come from a seder. Especially when they had the telltale signs like strollers in the park at 4 am and sleeping toddlers. And since these people leave their curtains open, we could basically see every apartment that had just finished a seder with the table still set. So we very merrily called out our holiday greetings to everyone we passed. And we ran into some guys she knows who walked me all the way home (I presume at least an hour out of their way). So that aspect was really incredible: to know that everyone else was running their seder at the same absurd hour, to know that the Jewish community feels safe wandering the streets at 3 am and publicly celebrating when many in the community grew up during the Shoa, to know that there are still that many Jews here. I hope that I hold onto the memory of wandering the streets in the middle of the night calling out 'Chag Sameach' to people we can barely see on the far side of the street. And having them call back 'Chag Sameach.' But next year, I want to be in my own apartment with my very own seder plate and JD grumbling endlessly about how much work the holiday is.