I just purchased another set of international plane tickets. If there is one area of parenting in which I feel like I am starting to gain a bit of expertise, it is flying/negotiating with airlines.
The most basic rule is: this too shall pass. Almost any absurd fee can be reversed with enough fighting. Complaint letters do work if you send them to the right place. I also fundamentally believe that my fusspot is a social good - grumpy single people: This very baby will someday be helping to pay for your social security in addition to funding your roads and medical research and social services. Flying is not some exalted hobby for the very wealthy or very unencumbered, and thus I don't apologize excessively for a little noise or a little flash of the boobs or even a few unseemly odors.
So here are a few tales from the past 3 months of travel. I have actually named the airlines, but as you can tell, service is quite haphazard and what happens on one trip is not necessarily indicative of another. Also, despite my frequent resolutions not to fly the worst airlines again, the fact is that I almost always go for the very cheapest ticket.
The worst: U.S. Airways. I simply will not fly an airline that now charges pregnant women for a glass of water and harasses them for carrying on their own bottled water. I also had several fairly awful run-ins with them while commuting to City Y where they both refused to help me with carry-on luggage (um, yes. If you charge to check luggage I will stuff everything into my carry-on and then ask you to gate check it. Every single time. Readers, I've flown carry-on with the fusspot for up to a week. I really dislike paying to check luggage) and made me feel terribly guilt about not being willing to lift my own luggage into the overhead bins (when pregnant). Needless to say, inevitably some fine, dashing overweight and unkempt businessman would offer to rescue me and I would smile sweetly and faint away into my window seat. And recently they have repeatedly given me the wrong information about how much the fusspot's ticket would cost and forced me to cancel my reservation (infants never fly free internationally and while they're supposed to cost 10% of the ticket price plus security fees, if you find a really cheap ticket the airline will inevitably charge 10% of some fictional ticket price that they'd rather be charging. Knowing this, I called several times to confirm how much the fusspot would add to the cost and received the wrong information repeatedly).
Recently rather good: Continental. Our flight back from L.A. was delayed a good 4 hours, the airline lost my kosher meal after I had confirmed it twice (once over the phone, once when checking in) and we were all a bit tired when we landed at that large airport somewhere near NYC but not quite in the same state. And after I complained to the airline about a few little glitches (seating, leaving a breastfeeding woman hungry for a long flight) they gave us an $80 cab voucher to get home. Whee!
Mixed, but it all worked out: AirCroatia. While I'm guessing that few of you will fly with this airline anytime soon, I do have to warn you that they have the most absurd luggage policy and if it weren't for JD's quick-thinking it would have been very inconvenient. I also had no idea airlines could be quite so dumb. Simply, they refuse to return strollers planeside on landing. Wheelchairs were no problem, but they absolutely refused for our stroller. Which means that we would have landed up sans stroller on a 4-hour layover in Frankfurt and quite possibly sans stroller at our final destination. And while I had the Ergo and JD with me, if I'd been alone with would have been a. really. big. deal. I don't mind carrying the fusspot, but when you're flying it's nice to have a stroller in the airport so that you can eat (she's started lunging for food when in the Ergo), go for a real walk, go to the bathroom, etc. Needless to say while I got louder and angrier, JD quickly just folded up the stroller and took it off the checked luggage cart and we managed to sneak it onto the airplane and put it in the overhead bin. Problem solved.
The odd: I've been flying AerLingus quite a bit because they actually have an infant lugage allowance and their flights tend to be rather empty, and very cheap. However, on our first trans-Atlantic flight we had a few issues. To start with, they allowed us to bring the carseat onto the airplane and then told us we couldn't use it because it was rear-facing and "all airline carseats must be forward-facing" (not true. And certainly not true in the U.S. or Ireland where ALL infant seats must be rear-facing). The problem was that by the time we'd realized that, it was too late to gate check it and since it didn't fit into the overhead bin, we lost the ability to at least let the fusspot sit on the seat between us and play. The real problem was that the fusspot was the only baby on the flight and at some point there was an announcement about "Babies must be changed in the lavatory." First off, not actually an airline rule and I know that nobody around us complained because I actually asked them. I change the fusspot on my lap when I'm flying. It is SO much safer than carrying her all the way to the back of the airplane, putting her on a flat metal board (airline changing tables never have straps) in a small, smelly room and dealing with the possibility of turbulence at any point. I have a tiny, fold-up waterproof pad that I put on my lap and since we use cloth diapers it's not as if there is any waste we need to throw away. And given our extensive Amtrak time in the past, I can change her diaper on my lap in under 30 seconds. Of course, I don't change diapers when there is food out, but I am honestly still pissed about this one. If the stewards know quite so much about the safest/easiest way to change diapers, I'd be quite happy if they volunteered to just do it for me.
And now, a slightly separate rant about infant seatbelts which have been an issue on every international flight we've taken. They seem to be all the rage in Europe, and while I love the concept the execution is sorely lacking. About half of them cannot be adjusted, and they seem plenty large enough for an adult. Which is to say that the fusspot could easily slid out any number of ways, and more importantly while fully wrapped in the seatbelt she could certainly hit her head on the tray in front, and possibly the tray 2 rows in front. Second, they make it much harder to breastfeed which is also important for her ears. Third, I am quite sure that the Ergo provides more security for the fusspot during turbulence, but I have uniformly been asked to take it off by flight attendants (also while going through security, which is beyond annoying. Dear daft security folks, please explain how exactly you want me to balance my baby, hold my boarding pass, take out my liquids and laptop and fold up my stroller for you at the same time? Because my plan was to use a baby carrier ...)
I have yet to hear any complaints about breastfeeding and other passengers have uniformly been nice about the fusspot (and I'll admit, she had yet to have a real meltdown on a flight). Ground service has been overwhelmingly nice about dealing with strollers (and so many stroller pieces with the bugaboo!) and letting us pre-board (not because we want to be on first, but very nice for getting your luggage on board). In general security has been mixed (none too thrilled about the Ergo or the breast pump, but otherwise helpful) and the flight attendants uniformly looked overworked, tired, and supremely disappointed that I finally managed to procreate and insist upon bringing my adorable constant companion with me. They all seem to take it personally, although I do understand that their jobs have gotten a lot rougher recently.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thinking IVF
I had an interesting conversation with Kate about how neither of our guys seems all that interested in taking the time to learn about fertility treatments. JD is fully supportive (emotionally and financially) of my choices, but he really feels like I am the "expert" on fertility treatments and since it's my body and my dream I should make the decisions. And by my dream, I in no way mean to imply that JD does not want children, just that he is a lot less attached to how many (although since we've had the fusspot he has changed from 'more would be fine' to 'we should definitely do this again' which is WONDERFUL) and a lot less aware of the risks, less worried about twins, less concerned about the emotional effects of a D and C or SR (should they be medically necessary) ...
But of course then I have to make all the decisions on my own. And while I love consulting my friends in the internets, it's odd to make such big life-altering decisions without ever talking out-loud about them. And I really wish I could just get him to read well-written, interesting things like Cecily's post on frozen embryos. It is certainly something I want to plan for if we're considering IVF, and something where I am pretty sure my plans would be different than JD's.
The odd thing about reading her post is that I also don't think I could 'donate' our embryos to another family, even though I think embryo adoption is wonderful and would absolutely consider it for us in the future. The odd thing is that JD and I are both fully on-board with a shared-IVF cycle where we would essentially sell/gift half of my eggs to a friend in exchange for help covering the costs of the cycle. This something we talked about a lot in the past and I actually have a very dear gay friend who wants biological children and might very well be interested. I really love the idea of the fusspot having some extra 'cousins' out there. The type of friends who send a card once a year and we bump into at reunions and other friend's weddings. Not best friends, not someone we see every month even when we're living in the same city (which we certainly won't be in the future), but good, long-term friends. I like the idea of helping a gay couple (although my friend is currently single and the embryos would land up on ice for a number of years until he is better-established and has a partner) to become parents (or anyone, for that matter). But somehow, I'm still quite sure I would not want to donate embyros to another family. To science, absolutely. And I also worry that if we landed up with a lot of embryos on ice, I would be perpetually pining after another baby (just like the woman in the linked article).
But it may not be that relevant, I've been leaning more towards injectables again. If it worked perfectly once, it's probably worth another try.
But of course then I have to make all the decisions on my own. And while I love consulting my friends in the internets, it's odd to make such big life-altering decisions without ever talking out-loud about them. And I really wish I could just get him to read well-written, interesting things like Cecily's post on frozen embryos. It is certainly something I want to plan for if we're considering IVF, and something where I am pretty sure my plans would be different than JD's.
The odd thing about reading her post is that I also don't think I could 'donate' our embryos to another family, even though I think embryo adoption is wonderful and would absolutely consider it for us in the future. The odd thing is that JD and I are both fully on-board with a shared-IVF cycle where we would essentially sell/gift half of my eggs to a friend in exchange for help covering the costs of the cycle. This something we talked about a lot in the past and I actually have a very dear gay friend who wants biological children and might very well be interested. I really love the idea of the fusspot having some extra 'cousins' out there. The type of friends who send a card once a year and we bump into at reunions and other friend's weddings. Not best friends, not someone we see every month even when we're living in the same city (which we certainly won't be in the future), but good, long-term friends. I like the idea of helping a gay couple (although my friend is currently single and the embryos would land up on ice for a number of years until he is better-established and has a partner) to become parents (or anyone, for that matter). But somehow, I'm still quite sure I would not want to donate embyros to another family. To science, absolutely. And I also worry that if we landed up with a lot of embryos on ice, I would be perpetually pining after another baby (just like the woman in the linked article).
But it may not be that relevant, I've been leaning more towards injectables again. If it worked perfectly once, it's probably worth another try.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
something new
Not much happening here. I'm sure I'll have plenty to say about my new friends (all with bumps!) by the weekend and my new gym (they measure your fat percentage at intake! Whee! At least the weight, etc. will be in some funny unit I don't really have a grasp of ...) but until I beat this cold I'm still feeling low energy.
So, do you have questions for me? Don't feel obliged, I very rarely have spontaneous questions for bloggers, but I am happy to answer your inquiries.
So, do you have questions for me? Don't feel obliged, I very rarely have spontaneous questions for bloggers, but I am happy to answer your inquiries.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Like moths to a light
or some such analogy.
JD e-mailed to say that a hot young woman tried to talk to him on the subway yesterday. Given JD's well-known tact and rather deeply ingrained resistance to new social interactions, he was worried that he might just have "scared" her.
I, on the other hand, was all smiles and friendly when I finally got the chance to talk to another mother picking up at daycare. An English speaker no less. I did notice the bump, but it did not seem particularly large and the woman in question was carrying her baby (only under-2s in my daughter's classroom ...) and seemed quite comfortable. We exchanged e-mail and I expressed interest in a playdate sometime. You gotta give me points for obliviousness. She wrote back to say any day this week would be great because she's, you know, full-term, and already out on maternity leave and just trying to pass the time until the new baby.
I know it's silly to be jealous of bumps, and those bumps quite quickly turn into babies and I happen to have the. most. adorable. one. of those already, but seriously? What infertile surrounds herself with quite this many bumps in a single week? Playdate with an about-to-pop bump. Drinks on Thursday where 2 people RSVP'd "X and bump" will be there. A "babies and bumps" group next week. As JD would say, good thing I still have a good deal of my former bump still in place ...
JD e-mailed to say that a hot young woman tried to talk to him on the subway yesterday. Given JD's well-known tact and rather deeply ingrained resistance to new social interactions, he was worried that he might just have "scared" her.
I, on the other hand, was all smiles and friendly when I finally got the chance to talk to another mother picking up at daycare. An English speaker no less. I did notice the bump, but it did not seem particularly large and the woman in question was carrying her baby (only under-2s in my daughter's classroom ...) and seemed quite comfortable. We exchanged e-mail and I expressed interest in a playdate sometime. You gotta give me points for obliviousness. She wrote back to say any day this week would be great because she's, you know, full-term, and already out on maternity leave and just trying to pass the time until the new baby.
I know it's silly to be jealous of bumps, and those bumps quite quickly turn into babies and I happen to have the. most. adorable. one. of those already, but seriously? What infertile surrounds herself with quite this many bumps in a single week? Playdate with an about-to-pop bump. Drinks on Thursday where 2 people RSVP'd "X and bump" will be there. A "babies and bumps" group next week. As JD would say, good thing I still have a good deal of my former bump still in place ...
delusional
subtitled: A little story about my morning. And don't worry, the ending is not a surprise.
I am going to sound crazy, but y'all can just blame the sleep-deprivation and snot-induced haze. This morning I peed on a stick. One of those sticks. I had this little fantasy in my head that just maybe it would be positive. No, I've had no symptoms.
And yes, I know that medically it would be impossible for an embryo to implant in a lining which has not been shed since February.
And I am still breastfeeding on demand. Round the clock.
And while I do believe in miracles, I don't think that the kind which disprove basic medical facts are all that common nowadays.
And while I have never had any cycle to speak of when not on drugs, my RE told me that some slim proportion of women have a magical window of opportunity 6 to 9 months post-partum.
And since all possible opportunities in the 6 to 9 month window have now been exhausted (something about "it takes two" and not actually living with my husband and all) if there were any time that it might be even slightly reasonable to test, it would be now.
Well, there was one symptom. I've been tired. Really tired.
And tired was actually my only symptom last spring.
So after dropping the fusspot at daycare I traipsed out to our local pharmacy. Where the women gave me a fairly deliberate look (we were in there last week for eye drops and it's a small pharmacy - fair to say she knows that my constant companion is of the 6-12 month variety). And I did my very best to shoot back at her a look which says "Yes, I have a baby but my husband and still have wild and passionate relations at least twice a day. We're fabulous like that, you know? And for that matter, my cycles are regular and I might just be able to explain away my potbelly with one of those adorable t-shirts that says "I grow people - what's your superpower?"" While I'm not sure she got the entire message, she did abstain from commenting.
And then I peed on my stick, set a timer for 5 minutes (you don't have to be that precise? really?) and was not in the least bit surprised to see only one line. I did check it every 10 minutes for the rest of the hour, but just one (control) line.
But my point is, the whole experience actually made me slightly happier. Not because of the result (let's just admit it, a second line would have had me over the moon) but because it was just. so. normal. Completely and totally normal. And the one time that -despite not having had a period in months- I could still pretend just maybe. Late? My cycle has been missing for about a decade and a half at this point. But this morning I got to play normal and it actually made me happy. And now I can go to the gym later this week with not the slightest question in my mind about whether it's safe.
I am going to sound crazy, but y'all can just blame the sleep-deprivation and snot-induced haze. This morning I peed on a stick. One of those sticks. I had this little fantasy in my head that just maybe it would be positive. No, I've had no symptoms.
And yes, I know that medically it would be impossible for an embryo to implant in a lining which has not been shed since February.
And I am still breastfeeding on demand. Round the clock.
And while I do believe in miracles, I don't think that the kind which disprove basic medical facts are all that common nowadays.
And while I have never had any cycle to speak of when not on drugs, my RE told me that some slim proportion of women have a magical window of opportunity 6 to 9 months post-partum.
And since all possible opportunities in the 6 to 9 month window have now been exhausted (something about "it takes two" and not actually living with my husband and all) if there were any time that it might be even slightly reasonable to test, it would be now.
Well, there was one symptom. I've been tired. Really tired.
And tired was actually my only symptom last spring.
So after dropping the fusspot at daycare I traipsed out to our local pharmacy. Where the women gave me a fairly deliberate look (we were in there last week for eye drops and it's a small pharmacy - fair to say she knows that my constant companion is of the 6-12 month variety). And I did my very best to shoot back at her a look which says "Yes, I have a baby but my husband and still have wild and passionate relations at least twice a day. We're fabulous like that, you know? And for that matter, my cycles are regular and I might just be able to explain away my potbelly with one of those adorable t-shirts that says "I grow people - what's your superpower?"" While I'm not sure she got the entire message, she did abstain from commenting.
And then I peed on my stick, set a timer for 5 minutes (you don't have to be that precise? really?) and was not in the least bit surprised to see only one line. I did check it every 10 minutes for the rest of the hour, but just one (control) line.
But my point is, the whole experience actually made me slightly happier. Not because of the result (let's just admit it, a second line would have had me over the moon) but because it was just. so. normal. Completely and totally normal. And the one time that -despite not having had a period in months- I could still pretend just maybe. Late? My cycle has been missing for about a decade and a half at this point. But this morning I got to play normal and it actually made me happy. And now I can go to the gym later this week with not the slightest question in my mind about whether it's safe.
It's a good thing I'm in love with my husband ...
and wise enough to admit some fault in the current situation. Well, just a very slight amount of fault.
In our relationship, I pack. He simply can't pack - for a picnic, a day at work, dinner out, let alone a year abroad. But I was a bit frazzled in May, what with grading a full stack of exams, jaunting out to L.A., and caring for the fusspot ... which is why at some point early in the day we left for Europe I told my husband to grab the gallon-sized ziploc bag with pump parts and infant tylenol off the kitchen counter and put it in any open suitcase (as I recall, I was at the time seating with my feet up on the couch nursing). And I saw the bag in his hand, so I figured all was well.
Which is to say that the one and only item which failed to arrive here in Europe was my pump parts. They were of course immediately replaced at no small expense. But still, it would be nice to have the extra parts here - nice to be able to pump in the evening before I've washed all the parts, nice to keep a set upstairs and ready to go whenever I have a few minutes ... so I e-mailed my husband very explicit directions to mail me a package.
Which arrived today. Lovely new sweater for me to replace the one he lost in Cro.atia, 2 hats for the fusspot to replace the ones he lost when he took her to the park (sadly both too small, but very sweet thought), printed photos for us and ... wait ... no pump parts. It's a good thing I'm in love with the man.
In other news, we're sick again: we both have colds and sore throats. Luckily I know quite how painful the fusspot's throat must be because she woke up about 12-14 times last night to have a little sip of milk. After all, if I weren't sick myself I might not have been so sympathetic (of course, I might also be at work today rather than 'working' at home while I nurse my cold). I really hope that her daycare does not sabotage my work. This level of illness we can scrape by with, but folks, it's JULY???? What are things going to be like come traditional cold/flu season (for the record Daycare: 3 colds, 1 bout of conjunctivites, and 1 suspected bout of swine flu, Fusspot: 0)
In our relationship, I pack. He simply can't pack - for a picnic, a day at work, dinner out, let alone a year abroad. But I was a bit frazzled in May, what with grading a full stack of exams, jaunting out to L.A., and caring for the fusspot ... which is why at some point early in the day we left for Europe I told my husband to grab the gallon-sized ziploc bag with pump parts and infant tylenol off the kitchen counter and put it in any open suitcase (as I recall, I was at the time seating with my feet up on the couch nursing). And I saw the bag in his hand, so I figured all was well.
Which is to say that the one and only item which failed to arrive here in Europe was my pump parts. They were of course immediately replaced at no small expense. But still, it would be nice to have the extra parts here - nice to be able to pump in the evening before I've washed all the parts, nice to keep a set upstairs and ready to go whenever I have a few minutes ... so I e-mailed my husband very explicit directions to mail me a package.
Which arrived today. Lovely new sweater for me to replace the one he lost in Cro.atia, 2 hats for the fusspot to replace the ones he lost when he took her to the park (sadly both too small, but very sweet thought), printed photos for us and ... wait ... no pump parts. It's a good thing I'm in love with the man.
In other news, we're sick again: we both have colds and sore throats. Luckily I know quite how painful the fusspot's throat must be because she woke up about 12-14 times last night to have a little sip of milk. After all, if I weren't sick myself I might not have been so sympathetic (of course, I might also be at work today rather than 'working' at home while I nurse my cold). I really hope that her daycare does not sabotage my work. This level of illness we can scrape by with, but folks, it's JULY???? What are things going to be like come traditional cold/flu season (for the record Daycare: 3 colds, 1 bout of conjunctivites, and 1 suspected bout of swine flu, Fusspot: 0)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Please send your love
and prayers to my fellow traveler and friend Rachel at Just What I Always Wanted. Rachel lost her daughter Sarah after only a week earlier this year, and she is now dealing with no eggs at the end of a long-awaited IVF cycle. Please click over and send her your love and prayers.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Ugh
There's a new social group in my little city (with hopefully a slightly different composition than this one). And I'm considering going. I'd love to meet some new mothers (or honestly, people who actually live in my time zone - I'm not all that picky), and it happens to be the day I can only work a half-day and will shortly have no daycare at all. Except it's a "bumps and babies" group. What in the world am I supposed to say to all those happily glowing, naive pregnant women? Beats me if it's worth it.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Interesting article
I found this article (the one about Chinese-American children raised abroad by extended in family in today's NYT's) to be quite interesting. It both acknowledges the financial need which leads parents to send their children to be raised elsewhere, and at least gives a little lip service to cultural differences. It definitely seems that it could have discussed the cultural differences a bit more, since these practices seem to still be widespread in China (and the numbers just don't add up: thousands of children are sent abroad to be raised by extended family, and yet a couple of hundred seek counseling. Either early intervention is utterly failing or some families are pulling off the transition without serious problems). Seems like many of the bonding techniques are similar to those used by adoptive parents.
Despite the fact that my husband is an incredibly well-balanced man, it's still interesting to hear him talk about his childhood (which he does very, very, very rarely). I know that his father did not meet him until he was a year old, and that he was separated from his mother for at least five years (but possibly 9?) while he was raised by both sets of grandparents. It does make you wonder if parenting our fusspot (and being away from her at the moment) raises any of these issues again?
Despite the fact that my husband is an incredibly well-balanced man, it's still interesting to hear him talk about his childhood (which he does very, very, very rarely). I know that his father did not meet him until he was a year old, and that he was separated from his mother for at least five years (but possibly 9?) while he was raised by both sets of grandparents. It does make you wonder if parenting our fusspot (and being away from her at the moment) raises any of these issues again?
A more on-topic post
Since I seem to have quite a few fly-by posters thanks to ICLW and there's only so much whining you can hear about sleep deprivation and the flu, here are my current musings on our future IF treatments. To start with, the when question has been answered, give or take a season (or maybe two). I would like to start cycling again late next spring/early summer, and JD is lobbying for late summer/early fall. I say he is lobbying because long-time readers may recall that I make all of our treatment decisions: what to do, when, what risks to take, etc. because JD choses not become informed about our options. On one hand it eliminates any conflict between us over cycling, but on the other puts all the pressure on me to make the right decision. That means the fusspot will be at least 18 months old by the time we start cycling, and weaning her should hopefully not be too traumatic for either of us.
So the big question is what. We're in a bit of an odd position here because we got lucky on our very first injectables cycle and all logical signs would point to trying injectables again. Especially since we have NO insurance coverage. Not one penny for paying our RE, drugs, anaesthesology, etc. What I did have, and hope to have again, is a very sympathetic GP who was happy to write me scripts for multiple ultrasounds and oodles of lab work, ostensibly to 'explore' my amenorrhea, but that only gets you so far. So here are my reservations:
1. I am terrified of twins, and quite honestly pretty sure I would not carry triplets or more. I have several reasons for being quite so scared:
a. My first pregnancy was already labeled 'high risk' and the SIX doctors appointments a week were miserable when I was just working, but the idea of working and possibly dragging the fusspot along to the GD clinic, the supervising ob/gyn, the specialist endocrinologist, the GI doc is pretty awful and I really don't want to add another risk factor.
b. I rather surprisngly really think attachment parenting is working for us, and I don't think I could practice the same type of parenting with twins. Yes, I have found some wonderful examples of women who are able to do so (hi Carrie!), but I also work full time and I do not intend to give up my career (for many, many reasons which have been discussed ad nauseum in the past).
c. We live in NYC. It is inconvenient enough to lug one child in a stroller around the city, but near impossible to leave the neighborhood with two babies (little things like having to fold up your stroller to get on a bus or through the subway entrance gates in my neighborhood, which just happen to be down 3 flights of stairs ...) and one fusspot in tow. And since we have no car, I have to carry all the groceries, etc. home on foot.
2. We had 30 follicles last cycle. So our chances of multiples are rather high on an injectables cycle. And while I do think selective reduction would be the best chance of a healthy outcome if I happened to get pregnant with HOM, I am sure the experience would be traumatic and I would like to avoid that.
3. The great IUI debate. At our last fertility clinic (down South, so almost certainly not an option to use again) they understood that we were charging the entire fun fertility-clinic experience (thanks Amex!) and so they let us skip the IUIs. I have never heard of a NYC-based clinic doing this and I would love to know if any do. The thing is that we were using femara (which unlike clomid does not diminish EWCM quite as much) and we have no male factor issues at all, so an IUI was unnecessary. Not only does it annoy me to pay for an expensive and slightly unpleasant medical procedure, but it would turn our cycles into a big deal for JD's work. If we can use the 'old-fashioned' method of insemination, he does not have to tell his work about our plans at all. If we have to do IUIs, he not only has to tell work but he has to block off weeks that he cannot travel. It's not that he travels all that much, but it is a big deal for him to refuse to travel for weeks on end (and since my cycles are notoriously long -21 days of injectionables last time- it could be anytime). If we're not doing IUIs and he happens to get sent off to S. Dakota for a couple of weeks, I can just hop on a plane and join him at the critical time (don't laugh, in addition to at least 12 ultrasounds, drugs and an RE the fusspot's creation also cost us a $350 last-minute plane ticket ... also put on Amex).
4. Of course, the major downside to eSet IVF is the cost. Although part of me loves the idea of possibly having a few ice-babies in storage (for new readers, despite my fear of twins I would LOVE a large family and hope to both cycle and consider adoption again after next year). One other big advantage of IVF is that we could chose an exact start date months in advance and possibly ask my mother or MIL to come stay with us and help out during the cycle (since I have no natural cycles at all, the start dates are completely arbitrary). JD could also put in for a vacation week months in advance, eliminating any conflict.
So that's where I am. I love how easy things were with just injectables, daily monitoring to deal with my overabundance of follicles, and some good romping at home, but I'm scared that the outcome next time may be a bit more than we're ready to handle. And of course I realize it is quite possible that we won't get lucky with injectables next time and then we will of course move on to IVF whenever our yet-to-be-chosen-from-the-waiting-throngs RE suggests we do so. Thoughts?
So the big question is what. We're in a bit of an odd position here because we got lucky on our very first injectables cycle and all logical signs would point to trying injectables again. Especially since we have NO insurance coverage. Not one penny for paying our RE, drugs, anaesthesology, etc. What I did have, and hope to have again, is a very sympathetic GP who was happy to write me scripts for multiple ultrasounds and oodles of lab work, ostensibly to 'explore' my amenorrhea, but that only gets you so far. So here are my reservations:
1. I am terrified of twins, and quite honestly pretty sure I would not carry triplets or more. I have several reasons for being quite so scared:
a. My first pregnancy was already labeled 'high risk' and the SIX doctors appointments a week were miserable when I was just working, but the idea of working and possibly dragging the fusspot along to the GD clinic, the supervising ob/gyn, the specialist endocrinologist, the GI doc is pretty awful and I really don't want to add another risk factor.
b. I rather surprisngly really think attachment parenting is working for us, and I don't think I could practice the same type of parenting with twins. Yes, I have found some wonderful examples of women who are able to do so (hi Carrie!), but I also work full time and I do not intend to give up my career (for many, many reasons which have been discussed ad nauseum in the past).
c. We live in NYC. It is inconvenient enough to lug one child in a stroller around the city, but near impossible to leave the neighborhood with two babies (little things like having to fold up your stroller to get on a bus or through the subway entrance gates in my neighborhood, which just happen to be down 3 flights of stairs ...) and one fusspot in tow. And since we have no car, I have to carry all the groceries, etc. home on foot.
2. We had 30 follicles last cycle. So our chances of multiples are rather high on an injectables cycle. And while I do think selective reduction would be the best chance of a healthy outcome if I happened to get pregnant with HOM, I am sure the experience would be traumatic and I would like to avoid that.
3. The great IUI debate. At our last fertility clinic (down South, so almost certainly not an option to use again) they understood that we were charging the entire fun fertility-clinic experience (thanks Amex!) and so they let us skip the IUIs. I have never heard of a NYC-based clinic doing this and I would love to know if any do. The thing is that we were using femara (which unlike clomid does not diminish EWCM quite as much) and we have no male factor issues at all, so an IUI was unnecessary. Not only does it annoy me to pay for an expensive and slightly unpleasant medical procedure, but it would turn our cycles into a big deal for JD's work. If we can use the 'old-fashioned' method of insemination, he does not have to tell his work about our plans at all. If we have to do IUIs, he not only has to tell work but he has to block off weeks that he cannot travel. It's not that he travels all that much, but it is a big deal for him to refuse to travel for weeks on end (and since my cycles are notoriously long -21 days of injectionables last time- it could be anytime). If we're not doing IUIs and he happens to get sent off to S. Dakota for a couple of weeks, I can just hop on a plane and join him at the critical time (don't laugh, in addition to at least 12 ultrasounds, drugs and an RE the fusspot's creation also cost us a $350 last-minute plane ticket ... also put on Amex).
4. Of course, the major downside to eSet IVF is the cost. Although part of me loves the idea of possibly having a few ice-babies in storage (for new readers, despite my fear of twins I would LOVE a large family and hope to both cycle and consider adoption again after next year). One other big advantage of IVF is that we could chose an exact start date months in advance and possibly ask my mother or MIL to come stay with us and help out during the cycle (since I have no natural cycles at all, the start dates are completely arbitrary). JD could also put in for a vacation week months in advance, eliminating any conflict.
So that's where I am. I love how easy things were with just injectables, daily monitoring to deal with my overabundance of follicles, and some good romping at home, but I'm scared that the outcome next time may be a bit more than we're ready to handle. And of course I realize it is quite possible that we won't get lucky with injectables next time and then we will of course move on to IVF whenever our yet-to-be-chosen-from-the-waiting-throngs RE suggests we do so. Thoughts?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
whoops
Slight improvement. I may not win any mothering prizes this week, but I made the strategic decision to drop the fusspot at daycare since her fever broke yesterday evening and spend the day in bed.
With a 103 fever and rising plus the aches, I thought it better for me to rest than to keep her home for the day. So after dragging myself out of bed and taking her to daycare, I strategically placed everything I needed for the day in bed: 2 nalgenes of water, tylenol, laptop to call husband and whine (always therapeutic for me - unfortunately not so good for him as he tends to get really mad when there's nothing he can do to help). Everything in place, I took a long, long nap.
And then, just as I was about to run out to get the fusspot I thought: what have I forgotten today?
(any guesses?)
Oh, right. To pump. Fingers crossed that I haven't just made the situation a whole lot worse.
With a 103 fever and rising plus the aches, I thought it better for me to rest than to keep her home for the day. So after dragging myself out of bed and taking her to daycare, I strategically placed everything I needed for the day in bed: 2 nalgenes of water, tylenol, laptop to call husband and whine (always therapeutic for me - unfortunately not so good for him as he tends to get really mad when there's nothing he can do to help). Everything in place, I took a long, long nap.
And then, just as I was about to run out to get the fusspot I thought: what have I forgotten today?
(any guesses?)
Oh, right. To pump. Fingers crossed that I haven't just made the situation a whole lot worse.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Nothing happening here
We're sick. The fusspot has a mild fever. I have every flu symptom except the fever.
All I want to do is lie in bed and watch Projec.t Run.way on you.tube (I just found out it was there earlier this week - we're not the fastest with technology around here).
All the fusspot wants to do is to alternate between gouging her eyes out and nursing.
At least we're fairly compatible today. Didn't get out of bed till 1pm. Let's hope tomorrow is better.
All I want to do is lie in bed and watch Projec.t Run.way on you.tube (I just found out it was there earlier this week - we're not the fastest with technology around here).
All the fusspot wants to do is to alternate between gouging her eyes out and nursing.
At least we're fairly compatible today. Didn't get out of bed till 1pm. Let's hope tomorrow is better.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Welcome ICLW
Well, I had a whole welcome ICLW post and I just deleted it. Things are a bit rough this week since we are now going on Day 6 of the Great Sleep Regression and also battling an eye infection.
In brief, I am 100% anovulatory. After several canceled cycles we made it to trigger with injectables and after my first and only time ovulating ... voila: the fusspot, aka my constant companion. Current age: 7 months.
We are a liberal, feminist family raising a biracial and bilingual baby. At the moment the fusspot and I are residing in a small city in Europe for my work, while my husband JD stays in the States. Hoping to be reunited and cycle again by next June. Expect a good deal of whining, lots of travel and living abroad talk, discussion of future cycles, and a reasonable amount of new parent obsessing.
In brief, I am 100% anovulatory. After several canceled cycles we made it to trigger with injectables and after my first and only time ovulating ... voila: the fusspot, aka my constant companion. Current age: 7 months.
We are a liberal, feminist family raising a biracial and bilingual baby. At the moment the fusspot and I are residing in a small city in Europe for my work, while my husband JD stays in the States. Hoping to be reunited and cycle again by next June. Expect a good deal of whining, lots of travel and living abroad talk, discussion of future cycles, and a reasonable amount of new parent obsessing.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Long weekend, subtitled: the weird things we do
The fusspot has developed a new skill, and I rather wish she hadn't. She can shriek. And while she mostly shrieks in joy, she did try it out a few times in combination with getting ready to nap. Which is to say Day 6 of the Great Sleep Regression (note the capital letters?) shows little sign of improvement.
I have also developed a new skill this weekend: squirting breastmilk. They say practice makes perfect, and I'd guess that I've gone from mediocre to distinguished in two days flat. Which is to say that the fusspot seems to have come down with conjun.ctivitis (Daycare: 2 colds, 1 eye infection; Fusspot: 0) and I haven't quite been able to figure out how to get her seen (combination of socialized health care, weekend, and American health insurance) so we're treating with breastmilk and monitoring on a half-hourly basis. When I shared this news with JD he claims never to have either suffered from or seen said illness, but when I noted that it looks like she has snot coming out of her eyes (the standard description 'gunk' also drawing a blank), he cheerfully told me he was off to "brunch with the guys" and we should "have fun today."
I also have to share a terrifying discovery I made yesterday as a sort of public announcement and warning. Had I discovered made the same discovery 7+ months ago (prior to the fusspot's safe arrival) I am certain I would have flipped. I was looking at my vitamins and just realized that the daily serving size of Rainbow prenatals (apparently the #1 brand in America) is six pills. Guess how many I've been taking? Moving on quickly before my brain has time to process that true confession ...
In other news, I found a gym in the neighborhood last week and am trying to motivate myself to actually go join in the morning (and practicing fairly nonpareil denial that if it takes me this long to join, I'll actually be going frequently). It's fairly cheap, although it also has no babysitting option. Which means that the fusspot will have to stay at daycare an extra 45 minutes on the 4 days a week that I put in a full workday (and oh the frustration of paying for a gym membership but not being able to go 3 days a week because I have no place to leave my constant companion). I am a big believer in the "it takes 9 months to put the weight on so it should take 9 months to take it off" but the fusspot will be 9 months (!) at rosh hashanah this year and I would ideally like to look not pregnant (don't worry, no star needed for miracles. my husband is a good thousand miles away ... ). I am also hoping it will help with my energy level (a la - if you can't bring the horse to water ...)
Tomorrow, no parenthesis.
I have also developed a new skill this weekend: squirting breastmilk. They say practice makes perfect, and I'd guess that I've gone from mediocre to distinguished in two days flat. Which is to say that the fusspot seems to have come down with conjun.ctivitis (Daycare: 2 colds, 1 eye infection; Fusspot: 0) and I haven't quite been able to figure out how to get her seen (combination of socialized health care, weekend, and American health insurance) so we're treating with breastmilk and monitoring on a half-hourly basis. When I shared this news with JD he claims never to have either suffered from or seen said illness, but when I noted that it looks like she has snot coming out of her eyes (the standard description 'gunk' also drawing a blank), he cheerfully told me he was off to "brunch with the guys" and we should "have fun today."
I also have to share a terrifying discovery I made yesterday as a sort of public announcement and warning. Had I discovered made the same discovery 7+ months ago (prior to the fusspot's safe arrival) I am certain I would have flipped. I was looking at my vitamins and just realized that the daily serving size of Rainbow prenatals (apparently the #1 brand in America) is six pills. Guess how many I've been taking? Moving on quickly before my brain has time to process that true confession ...
In other news, I found a gym in the neighborhood last week and am trying to motivate myself to actually go join in the morning (and practicing fairly nonpareil denial that if it takes me this long to join, I'll actually be going frequently). It's fairly cheap, although it also has no babysitting option. Which means that the fusspot will have to stay at daycare an extra 45 minutes on the 4 days a week that I put in a full workday (and oh the frustration of paying for a gym membership but not being able to go 3 days a week because I have no place to leave my constant companion). I am a big believer in the "it takes 9 months to put the weight on so it should take 9 months to take it off" but the fusspot will be 9 months (!) at rosh hashanah this year and I would ideally like to look not pregnant (don't worry, no star needed for miracles. my husband is a good thousand miles away ... ). I am also hoping it will help with my energy level (a la - if you can't bring the horse to water ...)
Tomorrow, no parenthesis.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Please send your love
The incredible Ms. J at In our own weird way got some very unexpected news, and now some really scary news. Please click over and send her your love.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Naughty
some people really ought to stay away from websites like k.a.yak.com and orb.itz.com.
Waiting for some tempeh to cook I started playing around with plane tickets ... and I just found out you can fly from my current location in Lalaland (aka someplace in the middle of Europe) to India for about $550 in the spring! One of my dearest friends is there, and I have been strategizing about getting a part-time job in order to splurge on a trip. When I priced tickets last spring they were closer to $1000 (and that's base NYC - best possible flight base in the States for cheap international destinations). This friend has spent years traveling the world with her 2 babies in tow and she is an awesome travel companion and a role model for breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, baby food-making, sewing her own baby clothes and quilting ... all while traipsing the globe (thanks to our military).
In other news, the internets are awesome. Not only does the fabulous Kate think I'm cool (and there are very few people who can say that with a straight face), but Carrie spent an entire post answering my prying questions about embryo adoption (and everything she found out makes it sound like a really viable and exciting option).
And thank you everyone else who has been reading and commenting (hi Jenn!). I can't tell you how much it helps to have such support when I'm alone with a waking-every-2-hours-no-matter-what (adorable) fusspot.
Waiting for some tempeh to cook I started playing around with plane tickets ... and I just found out you can fly from my current location in Lalaland (aka someplace in the middle of Europe) to India for about $550 in the spring! One of my dearest friends is there, and I have been strategizing about getting a part-time job in order to splurge on a trip. When I priced tickets last spring they were closer to $1000 (and that's base NYC - best possible flight base in the States for cheap international destinations). This friend has spent years traveling the world with her 2 babies in tow and she is an awesome travel companion and a role model for breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, baby food-making, sewing her own baby clothes and quilting ... all while traipsing the globe (thanks to our military).
In other news, the internets are awesome. Not only does the fabulous Kate think I'm cool (and there are very few people who can say that with a straight face), but Carrie spent an entire post answering my prying questions about embryo adoption (and everything she found out makes it sound like a really viable and exciting option).
And thank you everyone else who has been reading and commenting (hi Jenn!). I can't tell you how much it helps to have such support when I'm alone with a waking-every-2-hours-no-matter-what (adorable) fusspot.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
New firsts
1. First time EIGHT women in a row have asked me "What does your husband do that brings you here to Lalaland?" Not even the slightest opening for me to reply that it is in fact my career that brings me here [And here I have conveniently put my little feminist rant into brackets so you can ignore it: THIS is why feminism does not equal choice for me. Because -your- choices influence expectations of me. And while the fusspot does not yet quite grasp the conversation, in four or five or six years she will. And she will understand that society expects her to choose between being a mother and having a career And society expects her to dutifully trail around after her hard-working husband (and don't even get me started on the absurd expectations on men - starting with the fact that they will single-handedly support their partners and families ...). And it will suck when she comes to that realization.]
2. First time I've ever been hit on while in the process of clearly packing up dirty breastpump parts. Whee! Ok, so I can count the number of people under 50 on one hand in my current research location, but still ... I had dirty breastpump parts in my hand and he still wanted to know what I was doing after work! Ok, maybe that's just creepy in retrospect.
3. And my first official baby playgroup experience was fine. I even think I may have made a new friend. We exchanged e-mails and talked about meeting up for a walk or playground-time some weekend - that counts, doesn't it? Of course, to get to that point I had to smile very sweetly and just ignore her comment on long-awaited babies* that "Yeah, I was worried about IF too. But sometimes you just have to wait and relax. And then everything works out fine." Yeah. And inject your stomach with drugs daily, but who am I to quibble about the details?
Updated to add #4. First time that the fusspot was sleeping when I arrived at daycare and I had to wake her. And thus, the first time that I saw my baby fast asleep unswaddled, sans pacifier, and on her stomach. Huh.
* And yes, she did apparently manage to naturally conceive a child in her mid-40s, but obviously not her first.
2. First time I've ever been hit on while in the process of clearly packing up dirty breastpump parts. Whee! Ok, so I can count the number of people under 50 on one hand in my current research location, but still ... I had dirty breastpump parts in my hand and he still wanted to know what I was doing after work! Ok, maybe that's just creepy in retrospect.
3. And my first official baby playgroup experience was fine. I even think I may have made a new friend. We exchanged e-mails and talked about meeting up for a walk or playground-time some weekend - that counts, doesn't it? Of course, to get to that point I had to smile very sweetly and just ignore her comment on long-awaited babies* that "Yeah, I was worried about IF too. But sometimes you just have to wait and relax. And then everything works out fine." Yeah. And inject your stomach with drugs daily, but who am I to quibble about the details?
Updated to add #4. First time that the fusspot was sleeping when I arrived at daycare and I had to wake her. And thus, the first time that I saw my baby fast asleep unswaddled, sans pacifier, and on her stomach. Huh.
* And yes, she did apparently manage to naturally conceive a child in her mid-40s, but obviously not her first.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Quick update
Feeling much better. Took a day to work at home. The fusspot screamed when I left her at daycare, but seemed to be in excellent spirits when I picked her up and in absolutely no rush to leave. Apparently the rest of the under-2s fingerpainted today. All of their handprints were neatly pinned on the wall next to ... the fusspot's footprints. In a class of ten, she was the only one they couldn't get to stop eating the paint long enough to do handprints. Hence footprints.
I also have a new favorite meal: tortilla wrap with tofu fake-chicken and aged gouda cheese. Truly excellent. Excellent enough that I had said meal for dinner yesterday, and lunch and dinner today.
And after repeatedly considering utilizing the canoe so handily stored outside my door as it has rained for days and days, the sun finally came out at about 6 pm tonight. Of course, both the fusspot and I were already soaked by then having decided to go for a walk anyway, but it still cheered me up.
Declared the fusspot not allergic to tofu tonight (after 4 days of giving it to her as a finger food) and we're one step closer to letting her just eat off my plate.
All around, spirits much improved. In the morning we're off to a local playground for an hour. Here's to hoping I don't say anything too socially inappropriate. I would so love to meet a local person and have a real, live person to talk to in-person every other week or so.
I also have a new favorite meal: tortilla wrap with tofu fake-chicken and aged gouda cheese. Truly excellent. Excellent enough that I had said meal for dinner yesterday, and lunch and dinner today.
And after repeatedly considering utilizing the canoe so handily stored outside my door as it has rained for days and days, the sun finally came out at about 6 pm tonight. Of course, both the fusspot and I were already soaked by then having decided to go for a walk anyway, but it still cheered me up.
Declared the fusspot not allergic to tofu tonight (after 4 days of giving it to her as a finger food) and we're one step closer to letting her just eat off my plate.
All around, spirits much improved. In the morning we're off to a local playground for an hour. Here's to hoping I don't say anything too socially inappropriate. I would so love to meet a local person and have a real, live person to talk to in-person every other week or so.
Floundering
I considered writing failing, but things aren't quite that bad yet.
The fusspot was up every hour again yesterday night. Make that 5 nights running.
It is getting harder to talk to JD about the situation. First of all, he feels terribly guilty that he can't be here with us and he worries endlessly about me. And then, he does not really share my interest for reading parenting books or talking to other parents about parenting in the abstract, so he just tends to take as truth my statements about different options.
My mother e-mailed me again to say that she talked to a colleague who did CIO, not that she's giving me any advice mind you, and it worked great! Of course, my mother also e-mailed last week to remind me that it was the fusspot's 7-month birthday. Because she trusts my ability to multi-task and remember little things like when I gave birth, that much (It really did make me laugh to open that e-mail).
And then I called my lactation consultant, who is awesome and a big advocate of attachment parenting, and she confirmed some of my worst fears: this might be the fusspot needing to reconnect with me after daycare. She might actually be getting traumatized by being put in a crib and left to cry at daycare (let alone the propped bottles which bothers me to no end ... I understand not having the time to rock/sing/talk all the babies to sleep but seriously - bottles should not be propped. Ever.) So she recommended I drop everything and get into bed with the fusspot when she goes to bed and see how that works. And I'd love to but ... I need to make baby food, do laundry, cook my food, send work e-mails (I have no internets at work during the day) ...
So I did all of that and nursed the fusspot every time she woke up. And I am exhausted. Really, truly exhausted. And the worst part is that my work is incredibly hard this month. It takes tons of concentration and even when I'm totally focused there are days that I get absolutely nothing done. The work will get easier in time, but for now I really feel like I'm floundering. Unable to both devote enough time to nursing/cuddling the baby and the very minimal housework* that gets done around here and be awake for work. And so tired that I dropped the fusspot at daycare this morning and then came home to get ready for work, when I know it would be better for her to have a shorter day at daycare and spend some of the morning home with me. But I am just too tired to balance a needy baby and the little tasks I'm doing at home.
I know this was going to be hard, but it wouldn't be that different from living in NYC with JD working all the time if it weren't for this awful sleep regression. So I'm really hoping it will pass soon.
I do get asked quite often why we did not wait to start a family (especially since it was hardly accidental). And I was thinking about it while feeding the fusspot. If the cycle we got lucky had not worked, we would have possibly had one more cycle with injectables and if that hadn't worked we were all scheduled for IVF in July and then another round at the end of August (if either of those had worked they would have been a disaster for my funding because I would have had to interrupt 2 grants rather than shift them) and if that hadn't worked ... I would have come back to Europe last year alone. And I would have just finished my research and returned to the U.S. in June and we'd be cycling right now. So instead of having a beautiful 7-month old, I'd be doing the labwork for a new clinic and thinking about IVF in August or September. And yes, my research would be done and I'd be living with JD, but the earliest we would be dreaming of a baby would be 1.5 years after the fusspot's grand arrival (sorry if that makes no sense - there were all sorts of restrictions on when and where we could cycle from my work, JD's work, insurance which doesn't cover IF treatments but DOES cover basic labwork and some ultrasounds, etc.) And I would have been miserable waiting an extra year and a half to find out if we could get pregnant. And I would have spent most of that waiting time alone, thousands of miles from my friends and husband. So am I glad that we did not postpone? Absolutely and unconditionally. I just wish my beautiful baby would sleep a bit more tonight.
* While I might normally just skip vacuuming, dusting, etc. for a week or two (who am I kidding? a bit longer than that) I'm pretty sure that this apartment is old enough to have lead paint. And it is peeling in a couple of places. So I REALLY need to keep up with the cleaning.
The fusspot was up every hour again yesterday night. Make that 5 nights running.
It is getting harder to talk to JD about the situation. First of all, he feels terribly guilty that he can't be here with us and he worries endlessly about me. And then, he does not really share my interest for reading parenting books or talking to other parents about parenting in the abstract, so he just tends to take as truth my statements about different options.
My mother e-mailed me again to say that she talked to a colleague who did CIO, not that she's giving me any advice mind you, and it worked great! Of course, my mother also e-mailed last week to remind me that it was the fusspot's 7-month birthday. Because she trusts my ability to multi-task and remember little things like when I gave birth, that much (It really did make me laugh to open that e-mail).
And then I called my lactation consultant, who is awesome and a big advocate of attachment parenting, and she confirmed some of my worst fears: this might be the fusspot needing to reconnect with me after daycare. She might actually be getting traumatized by being put in a crib and left to cry at daycare (let alone the propped bottles which bothers me to no end ... I understand not having the time to rock/sing/talk all the babies to sleep but seriously - bottles should not be propped. Ever.) So she recommended I drop everything and get into bed with the fusspot when she goes to bed and see how that works. And I'd love to but ... I need to make baby food, do laundry, cook my food, send work e-mails (I have no internets at work during the day) ...
So I did all of that and nursed the fusspot every time she woke up. And I am exhausted. Really, truly exhausted. And the worst part is that my work is incredibly hard this month. It takes tons of concentration and even when I'm totally focused there are days that I get absolutely nothing done. The work will get easier in time, but for now I really feel like I'm floundering. Unable to both devote enough time to nursing/cuddling the baby and the very minimal housework* that gets done around here and be awake for work. And so tired that I dropped the fusspot at daycare this morning and then came home to get ready for work, when I know it would be better for her to have a shorter day at daycare and spend some of the morning home with me. But I am just too tired to balance a needy baby and the little tasks I'm doing at home.
I know this was going to be hard, but it wouldn't be that different from living in NYC with JD working all the time if it weren't for this awful sleep regression. So I'm really hoping it will pass soon.
I do get asked quite often why we did not wait to start a family (especially since it was hardly accidental). And I was thinking about it while feeding the fusspot. If the cycle we got lucky had not worked, we would have possibly had one more cycle with injectables and if that hadn't worked we were all scheduled for IVF in July and then another round at the end of August (if either of those had worked they would have been a disaster for my funding because I would have had to interrupt 2 grants rather than shift them) and if that hadn't worked ... I would have come back to Europe last year alone. And I would have just finished my research and returned to the U.S. in June and we'd be cycling right now. So instead of having a beautiful 7-month old, I'd be doing the labwork for a new clinic and thinking about IVF in August or September. And yes, my research would be done and I'd be living with JD, but the earliest we would be dreaming of a baby would be 1.5 years after the fusspot's grand arrival (sorry if that makes no sense - there were all sorts of restrictions on when and where we could cycle from my work, JD's work, insurance which doesn't cover IF treatments but DOES cover basic labwork and some ultrasounds, etc.) And I would have been miserable waiting an extra year and a half to find out if we could get pregnant. And I would have spent most of that waiting time alone, thousands of miles from my friends and husband. So am I glad that we did not postpone? Absolutely and unconditionally. I just wish my beautiful baby would sleep a bit more tonight.
* While I might normally just skip vacuuming, dusting, etc. for a week or two (who am I kidding? a bit longer than that) I'm pretty sure that this apartment is old enough to have lead paint. And it is peeling in a couple of places. So I REALLY need to keep up with the cleaning.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sweet but sad
The fusspot says good-night to her daddy. She is grinning (and only swaddled from the waist down!) because he is singing her his good-night song ("Sleepy-sleepy baby go to sleep." I don't think there's a second verse).
I can't believe he's only been gone a week. Of course, I also am slightly suspicious that there is some conspiracy theory behind the fusspot getting her first real cold almost immediately after he left.
On the weekends I have started calling him and talking to him when I nurse her to sleep - just like I would in New York. She does the same back-and-forth-great-tennis-match moves as she would if we were in the same room. And she has finally noticed his face 'in the computer.' Very sweet, but not exactly ideal parenting conditions when you have a cold, hard laptop on the far side of the bed (the very side of the bed we're still avoiding ...)
I can't believe he's only been gone a week. Of course, I also am slightly suspicious that there is some conspiracy theory behind the fusspot getting her first real cold almost immediately after he left.
On the weekends I have started calling him and talking to him when I nurse her to sleep - just like I would in New York. She does the same back-and-forth-great-tennis-match moves as she would if we were in the same room. And she has finally noticed his face 'in the computer.' Very sweet, but not exactly ideal parenting conditions when you have a cold, hard laptop on the far side of the bed (the very side of the bed we're still avoiding ...)
And it rained ...
all day long. Until 4:30 pm. I think I'm going a bit crazy.
We did make it out to the supermarket at least. Of course, not that the two closest ones are open on Sunday. Because it's Sunday of course.
Yesterday night the fusspot was only up about 6-8 times. I tried giving her a bottle of pumped milk, I tried rocking her, I tried turning the lights on and waking her up fully and then putting her back to bed ... and then I just gave in and nursed her. every. single. time. she. woke. up.
All recent signs are pointing to just a nice daycare cold, and no sign of teeth.
I worry that I bore even myself.
We did make it out to the supermarket at least. Of course, not that the two closest ones are open on Sunday. Because it's Sunday of course.
Yesterday night the fusspot was only up about 6-8 times. I tried giving her a bottle of pumped milk, I tried rocking her, I tried turning the lights on and waking her up fully and then putting her back to bed ... and then I just gave in and nursed her. every. single. time. she. woke. up.
All recent signs are pointing to just a nice daycare cold, and no sign of teeth.
I worry that I bore even myself.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It can only get better tonight ...
I'm not sure how many times the fusspot woke up last night because I lost count after ten. But it was about 6:30 am when she was eating (again) and I realized I was cold. And so was she. [Cue music of doom].
Never even crossed my mind that having a baby eat all night long, regardless of the explanation, might just result in a leaky diaper. See, my beloved cloth diapers have never leaked at night so I just didn't think to change her. Which is why I woke up in a large wet spot. She'd leaked through her diaper, warm pajamas (when will it be summer here?) and swaddler.
And it was shabbos and cold and rainy. And I only have one set of sheets. [Cue more music of doom]. Which is to say that the fusspot and I will be sleeping on the far side of the bed and avoiding a certain area now delicately marked with a kitchen towel until the sun comes out and I can both wash and hang dry my only sheets in a single day.
Hoping for a better night and a bright sunny day tomorrow. And thank you all for your suggestions. I think, Io, when you suggest whiskey in milk that's code for me to kick back a few on behalf of the fusspot? And Connie (who sadly has not yet started a blog of her own) - I am absolutely going to take you up on your offer if I can't convince my mother to bring me teething biscuits and a huge-costco-size box of Cheerios in addition to the numerous other items on my shopping list for her when she visits next month.
Never even crossed my mind that having a baby eat all night long, regardless of the explanation, might just result in a leaky diaper. See, my beloved cloth diapers have never leaked at night so I just didn't think to change her. Which is why I woke up in a large wet spot. She'd leaked through her diaper, warm pajamas (when will it be summer here?) and swaddler.
And it was shabbos and cold and rainy. And I only have one set of sheets. [Cue more music of doom]. Which is to say that the fusspot and I will be sleeping on the far side of the bed and avoiding a certain area now delicately marked with a kitchen towel until the sun comes out and I can both wash and hang dry my only sheets in a single day.
Hoping for a better night and a bright sunny day tomorrow. And thank you all for your suggestions. I think, Io, when you suggest whiskey in milk that's code for me to kick back a few on behalf of the fusspot? And Connie (who sadly has not yet started a blog of her own) - I am absolutely going to take you up on your offer if I can't convince my mother to bring me teething biscuits and a huge-costco-size box of Cheerios in addition to the numerous other items on my shopping list for her when she visits next month.
Friday, July 10, 2009
No luck
The fusspot has been in bed for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I have now nursed her back to sleep 4 times. This must be teething, right?
New (sleep) plans
Was it really just a few weeks ago that I was posting about how I wished everyone would stop asking about the fusspot's sleep patterns and that I was just.fine. waking up during the night with her?
Well, I was. Until she was up every hour for 2 nights straight.
So now I solicit advice of all sorts.
To start with, we cosleep and I'm not (yet) interested in anything related to CIO (nor do I get how it works since her crib is directly next to the bed, even when she's not in bed with me). After extensive googling, I have identified the 2 best explanations for her behavior:
a. teething. Nothing to be done about that. I'm suspicious since she's allegedly been teething for 3 months now with no sign of anything. She did however chomp down on my breast twice this morning.
b. reverse feeding. Perhaps your baby just needs more snuggle time with you?, LLL says comfortingly ... and kellymom suggests that I should grin and bear it (which I was when she only woke up every 3 hours). I am worried this may be the real culprit because the fusspot has only been taking 2 bottles (8 oz total) during an 8 hour day at daycare. I am highly suspicious that they prop bottles, and this is why she's not eating there (as in, I've seen them prop bottles for the 3 month old but explicitly told them not to for the fusspot and also repeatedly asked them to try and feed her a 3rd bottle). So, my new action plan: offer boobies every single hour from when she gets home until bedtime. Screw letting her stay a bit hungry for solids, I want to get the high calorie stuff in her as much as possible in the evening. We're also starting solids at daycare next week (I innocently asked how I should pack them since I'm serving her defrosted stuff from the freezer and Ms.-American-Idol-wannabe gave me a rather puzzled look and said "We just make it here. It's not hard you know, you just put fruit or veggies in the blender." So we'll see how that goes next week - I do have to remember to try applesauce this weekend since it's a high-risk for an allergen and apparently on the menu for next week ...)
Any and all other advice on how to get a co-sleeping baby to sleep for more than 60 minutes at a time at night is much appreciated (and for the record, she does sleep plenty in total. Last night she was in bed at 8 pm and we didn't get up till 9 am except for our quick dash to move the trash at 6:59 am precisely).
Well, I was. Until she was up every hour for 2 nights straight.
So now I solicit advice of all sorts.
To start with, we cosleep and I'm not (yet) interested in anything related to CIO (nor do I get how it works since her crib is directly next to the bed, even when she's not in bed with me). After extensive googling, I have identified the 2 best explanations for her behavior:
a. teething. Nothing to be done about that. I'm suspicious since she's allegedly been teething for 3 months now with no sign of anything. She did however chomp down on my breast twice this morning.
b. reverse feeding. Perhaps your baby just needs more snuggle time with you?, LLL says comfortingly ... and kellymom suggests that I should grin and bear it (which I was when she only woke up every 3 hours). I am worried this may be the real culprit because the fusspot has only been taking 2 bottles (8 oz total) during an 8 hour day at daycare. I am highly suspicious that they prop bottles, and this is why she's not eating there (as in, I've seen them prop bottles for the 3 month old but explicitly told them not to for the fusspot and also repeatedly asked them to try and feed her a 3rd bottle). So, my new action plan: offer boobies every single hour from when she gets home until bedtime. Screw letting her stay a bit hungry for solids, I want to get the high calorie stuff in her as much as possible in the evening. We're also starting solids at daycare next week (I innocently asked how I should pack them since I'm serving her defrosted stuff from the freezer and Ms.-American-Idol-wannabe gave me a rather puzzled look and said "We just make it here. It's not hard you know, you just put fruit or veggies in the blender." So we'll see how that goes next week - I do have to remember to try applesauce this weekend since it's a high-risk for an allergen and apparently on the menu for next week ...)
Any and all other advice on how to get a co-sleeping baby to sleep for more than 60 minutes at a time at night is much appreciated (and for the record, she does sleep plenty in total. Last night she was in bed at 8 pm and we didn't get up till 9 am except for our quick dash to move the trash at 6:59 am precisely).
Thursday, July 9, 2009
processing
I got the e-mail tonight. The one that is as close as I am ever going to get to being an aunt. My cousin (only cousin) just had a baby. A beautiful, healthy girl and everyone is well.
And I'm thrilled for them. Thrilled because as recently as August (when we last saw them) they were still debating whether to have children. Thrilled because it was a healthy pregnancy. Thrilled that the fusspot will have a cousin her age to play with (and surprisingly also sharing her racial identity). It's just that ...
I'm never going to be an aunt. And I've always wanted to be one. JD is an only child, and my sister is infertile. And while she may be "over it," I am still mourning the loss.
Of course, even as I write this, I realize that it's quite possible to be an aunt without the biological connection. My "aunties" are aunties by choice, not because of our family ties. But I also know that friends come and go, we'll move several times in the upcoming years, and at least if I was an aunt I could be sure that I would get to see someone else's children grow up from infants to adults. And I guess I'd also have more of a relationship with my sister if we either had infertility or children still in common.
And I'm thrilled for them. Thrilled because as recently as August (when we last saw them) they were still debating whether to have children. Thrilled because it was a healthy pregnancy. Thrilled that the fusspot will have a cousin her age to play with (and surprisingly also sharing her racial identity). It's just that ...
I'm never going to be an aunt. And I've always wanted to be one. JD is an only child, and my sister is infertile. And while she may be "over it," I am still mourning the loss.
Of course, even as I write this, I realize that it's quite possible to be an aunt without the biological connection. My "aunties" are aunties by choice, not because of our family ties. But I also know that friends come and go, we'll move several times in the upcoming years, and at least if I was an aunt I could be sure that I would get to see someone else's children grow up from infants to adults. And I guess I'd also have more of a relationship with my sister if we either had infertility or children still in common.
Going to bed early tonight
Tomorrow is a BIG day around here in my little neighborhood. A big, exciting day. Tomorrow is garbage day!
Yes, I know. Allegedly the garbage is collected twice a week around here. But we have a little problem. It is illegal to put your trash out before 7 am (and I have a rather watchful, elderly landlord - although a true gentleman. He is definitely of a different generation. After we signed the lease he told me that he would have invited me over to tea in a previous year, but since his wife passed away and he's alone and JD is away, he didn't think it appropriate anymore. Very sad but charming) and the garbage truck drops by right around 7:01 am (or possibly a few minutes earlier but far be it from me to lob unsupported accusations).
Trash not allowed out before: 7 am
Collected: 7:01 am
Result: We have 3 weeks of garbage bags neatly stacked in the kitchen. Funny math, I know, since we've only been in this apartment for a week and a half. It seems that JD missed garbage collection at our temporary sublet and had to carry several full garbage bags from said apartment to our new place. A new, more mature type of "walk of shame." And despite being a cloth-diapering-recycling type family, the fusspot's daycare sends her home in a disposable everyday and ... it will be good to finally get rid of 3-week-old dirty diapers in the kitchen. I'll just put it this way: if we miss garbage collection again in the morning, I'm seriously considering moving the pile of bags to the closet.
My goal is to set alarm for 6:58 am, get up at 6:59 am, grab fussy baby (the alarm wakes her every time and there's no way I'm leaving her home alone, even if I am just walking to the end of the street) and run out the door with the trash at least every 2 weeks from now on (or at least till it gets a bit colder and things start to reek a little less ...). We aim high around here, don't we?
Yes, I know. Allegedly the garbage is collected twice a week around here. But we have a little problem. It is illegal to put your trash out before 7 am (and I have a rather watchful, elderly landlord - although a true gentleman. He is definitely of a different generation. After we signed the lease he told me that he would have invited me over to tea in a previous year, but since his wife passed away and he's alone and JD is away, he didn't think it appropriate anymore. Very sad but charming) and the garbage truck drops by right around 7:01 am (or possibly a few minutes earlier but far be it from me to lob unsupported accusations).
Trash not allowed out before: 7 am
Collected: 7:01 am
Result: We have 3 weeks of garbage bags neatly stacked in the kitchen. Funny math, I know, since we've only been in this apartment for a week and a half. It seems that JD missed garbage collection at our temporary sublet and had to carry several full garbage bags from said apartment to our new place. A new, more mature type of "walk of shame." And despite being a cloth-diapering-recycling type family, the fusspot's daycare sends her home in a disposable everyday and ... it will be good to finally get rid of 3-week-old dirty diapers in the kitchen. I'll just put it this way: if we miss garbage collection again in the morning, I'm seriously considering moving the pile of bags to the closet.
My goal is to set alarm for 6:58 am, get up at 6:59 am, grab fussy baby (the alarm wakes her every time and there's no way I'm leaving her home alone, even if I am just walking to the end of the street) and run out the door with the trash at least every 2 weeks from now on (or at least till it gets a bit colder and things start to reek a little less ...). We aim high around here, don't we?
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Oh yeah
I almost forgot.
You might be wondering exactly where I am (hi Ms. J!). I'll never say ... but you can click over to the fabulous' Kate's blog Bee in the Bonnet to find out ... and yes I've given you a link to the post where she talks about me because she says such nice things, but you must look at the photo in her most recent post ...
And for the record, I don't exactly live in the city mentioned, but in a small provincial city about a half hour away. But if you're ever in said big city, send me an e-mail. I am definitely in need of real, adult conversation. And do tell me if you'd guess somewhere else (longtime readers may remember I was in this city both last January and when I found out I was pg last year).
You might be wondering exactly where I am (hi Ms. J!). I'll never say ... but you can click over to the fabulous' Kate's blog Bee in the Bonnet to find out ... and yes I've given you a link to the post where she talks about me because she says such nice things, but you must look at the photo in her most recent post ...
And for the record, I don't exactly live in the city mentioned, but in a small provincial city about a half hour away. But if you're ever in said big city, send me an e-mail. I am definitely in need of real, adult conversation. And do tell me if you'd guess somewhere else (longtime readers may remember I was in this city both last January and when I found out I was pg last year).
Market day and drinks on the playground
Sometimes I wonder if the exchange rate is turning me into a depression-era mom. Today I rushed out of work a half hour early, basket on my arm (ok, bookstore tote, but still ...) so that I could find the best end of the day bargains on fruits and veggies. And then at 9 pm I started steaming and pureeing them ... so that by tomorrow morning I will have a freezer full of baby food (yes, full. It's not the largest freezer). I can't tell you how excited I was to find sweet potatos at market since all 4 supermarkets in walking distance don't stock them 'out of season' (does anyone happen to know when potato season is?) Thus far we have carrots, peas and brocoli in the freezer, and I can now add cauliflower and sweet potatos. Now if only I could find gallon sized ziploc bags I would be living in luxury.
The reason I was in such a rush today was that there was a meet and greet at the fusspot's daycare at 5 pm. Conveniently organized by the 'parent's association' (For the record, there are spots for 24 children total at the daycare and since several families have more than one child there we're talking about at most 15-19 families. Needless to say I have yet to join the 'parent's association.') Not surprisingly, most of the parents were not particularly friendly. Very surprisingly, there were a large number of very good looking men there. And several crates of beer and at least 10 bottles of wine (you do the math of alcohol servings per adults). And yes, both of the very-pregnant women were sipping drinks (both clearly in their 3rd trimester) as was the one other woman who I think is pumping at work (or at least still sending medela bottles to daycare). While a bit bizare to see quite so much liquor casually littered around a toddler-playground, it was exceedingly nice to see quite how relaxed the families seemed to be grabbing a drink at daycare on the way home. There was no healthy food for babies - just chips and cookies. There was no anxiety about drinking in front of toddlers or getting home to put the babies to bed on time. And at least half of the kids had both parents at the festivities. I am definitely starting to see the benefits of raising children here.
The reason I was in such a rush today was that there was a meet and greet at the fusspot's daycare at 5 pm. Conveniently organized by the 'parent's association' (For the record, there are spots for 24 children total at the daycare and since several families have more than one child there we're talking about at most 15-19 families. Needless to say I have yet to join the 'parent's association.') Not surprisingly, most of the parents were not particularly friendly. Very surprisingly, there were a large number of very good looking men there. And several crates of beer and at least 10 bottles of wine (you do the math of alcohol servings per adults). And yes, both of the very-pregnant women were sipping drinks (both clearly in their 3rd trimester) as was the one other woman who I think is pumping at work (or at least still sending medela bottles to daycare). While a bit bizare to see quite so much liquor casually littered around a toddler-playground, it was exceedingly nice to see quite how relaxed the families seemed to be grabbing a drink at daycare on the way home. There was no healthy food for babies - just chips and cookies. There was no anxiety about drinking in front of toddlers or getting home to put the babies to bed on time. And at least half of the kids had both parents at the festivities. I am definitely starting to see the benefits of raising children here.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
This is the best the NYT can do?
(So I'm fine and will be back to normal posts soon - just a bit overwhelmed with work, feeding the baby, getting enough sleep, and spending all evening talking to an almost 7-month old who occasionally responds "Gee!")
The NYT has yet another infertility article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/health/07endo.html?ref=health. And while I do appreciate their attention to the issue, this article is everything I despise in infertility reporting.
It can be summed up quite simply: There's an easily treated diagnosis that some people don't know about. YOU might have it. If you do, you can be cured in no time. Here's a silly woman who spent loads of money on unsuccessful treatment all because no one ever treated her for this (in this particular case C.A.H.). Oh yeah, and Ashkenazi Jews, you have a much higher risk of having it.
And when I log in later today this article will inevitably be among the most e-mailed, as concerned mothers and friends forward this to their 'poor, infertile' friends.
Argh! Dear readers, get yourself to a good RE. If you're RE doesn't know about a disease that may affect some significant number of women (no numbers given, obviously), find a new one. And dear NYT, do not throw false home to endless women reading at home by talking this up as an easy to identify and treat condition: not only are the examples you provide non-typical presentation, the clinical diagnosis seems to have nothing to do with the blood test, the test does not indicate the severity of the disease but ... there have been no peer-reviewed good scientific articles on dexa.meth.oso.ne (suppression) since the 1960s. I know, I've looked (not because I have C.A.H., but because dexa.meth.os.one was once used to treat co.rt.is.ol issues).
And for that matter, the online op-ed about becoming a SAHM also made me mad. The article was fine albeit trite, but the comments fell into the same predictable piles:
a. "Quit work now! You don't want to miss a moment" (Ignoring all the little things like financial security and that many careers have no on-ramp. Yes, I'd love to be home this year but no, I don't want to spend my mornings home alone while the fusspot runs off to elementary school, high school and hopefully someday her own home)
b. "You can do it all, but it is so, so tough" (Working mothers, if you are so, so busy why waste your time with endless predictable comments?)
c. "I am a MAN and I want my wife at home" (subtext: But I would never consider it myself because I am a MAN)
d. a few quiet pleas for an article about how to balance work/parenting
All the usual thing were missing:
- Many (probably most) careers have no so-called on ramp. While there are other jobs out there, I've spent 9 years preparing for this career and I really don't want to become yet another super overqualified high school teacher (or sales floor supervisor)
- My husband doesn't want the responsibilty of being the sole wage-earner. He makes a lot of money, but he's also at a fairly high risk of getting laid off at some point in his career and it terrifies him that I might not have the necessary income to keep us afloat for a while.
- I want the fusspot to know that she can have a career and family. Hence, I need to do it myself. And to do it well.
Honestly, I think the reason the SAHM/working mom debate bothered me so much (and I read pages of comments while pumping) is because I am a bit disappointed in aspects of the fusspot's daycare. To be precise, they are letting her CIO at naptime, and it just makes me sad. I really feel like I haven't spent 6 months practice every aspect of attachment parenting (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, responinding to the baby's every cry) to have them undo it in a few short weeks.
Also, during the tour we were promised that there would also be 2 teachers in the classroom. I counted the staff and the hours they are open and was puzzled, but figured they must have a floating teacher to cover lunches and shorten the day. Nope. There are 2 teachers from 9 to 5, but the daycare is open from 8 am to 6 pm. So when I picked the fusspot up at 5:30 yesterday night there were 3 babies strapped into bouncers (I am endlessly thankful that they have no mechanical swings/bouncers/etc at the daycare), 2 toddlers strapped into their high chairs playing, and my fusspot in a (baby-safe) hammock swinging away. Needless to say, all of the babies except mine were shrieking. And yes, just one teacher. Beats me how they'd pass a fire inspection with 4 non-mobile babies, 2 toddlers and 1 teacher post-5 pm, but it is what it is.
And then I spent a while thinking about a few of the comments on the article, including one by a teacher who made some negative comment about how babies with SAHM were so used to be spoiled. While I don't necessarily believe that, when I taught religious school and summer camp, I absolutely could not tell which kids had stay at home moms. And I do remember loving daycare as a child. And JD never had time home with his mother during the day and he seems to have survived. So I just have to recognize that daycare is going to be tough until the fusspot has mobility (she gets so annoyed when she pushes her toys out of reach or wants to move), but this is a temporary phase and thereafter she will almost certainly be happier on a daily basis for the company and games and endless child-safe toys.
Sorry about the rambling, I'm pretty sure the fusspot is either sick or has already become a 'reverse feeder.' She's been taking less than 2 bottles at daycare and waking me every 2 hours to eat since JD left.
The NYT has yet another infertility article: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/07/health/07endo.html?ref=health. And while I do appreciate their attention to the issue, this article is everything I despise in infertility reporting.
It can be summed up quite simply: There's an easily treated diagnosis that some people don't know about. YOU might have it. If you do, you can be cured in no time. Here's a silly woman who spent loads of money on unsuccessful treatment all because no one ever treated her for this (in this particular case C.A.H.). Oh yeah, and Ashkenazi Jews, you have a much higher risk of having it.
And when I log in later today this article will inevitably be among the most e-mailed, as concerned mothers and friends forward this to their 'poor, infertile' friends.
Argh! Dear readers, get yourself to a good RE. If you're RE doesn't know about a disease that may affect some significant number of women (no numbers given, obviously), find a new one. And dear NYT, do not throw false home to endless women reading at home by talking this up as an easy to identify and treat condition: not only are the examples you provide non-typical presentation, the clinical diagnosis seems to have nothing to do with the blood test, the test does not indicate the severity of the disease but ... there have been no peer-reviewed good scientific articles on dexa.meth.oso.ne (suppression) since the 1960s. I know, I've looked (not because I have C.A.H., but because dexa.meth.os.one was once used to treat co.rt.is.ol issues).
And for that matter, the online op-ed about becoming a SAHM also made me mad. The article was fine albeit trite, but the comments fell into the same predictable piles:
a. "Quit work now! You don't want to miss a moment" (Ignoring all the little things like financial security and that many careers have no on-ramp. Yes, I'd love to be home this year but no, I don't want to spend my mornings home alone while the fusspot runs off to elementary school, high school and hopefully someday her own home)
b. "You can do it all, but it is so, so tough" (Working mothers, if you are so, so busy why waste your time with endless predictable comments?)
c. "I am a MAN and I want my wife at home" (subtext: But I would never consider it myself because I am a MAN)
d. a few quiet pleas for an article about how to balance work/parenting
All the usual thing were missing:
- Many (probably most) careers have no so-called on ramp. While there are other jobs out there, I've spent 9 years preparing for this career and I really don't want to become yet another super overqualified high school teacher (or sales floor supervisor)
- My husband doesn't want the responsibilty of being the sole wage-earner. He makes a lot of money, but he's also at a fairly high risk of getting laid off at some point in his career and it terrifies him that I might not have the necessary income to keep us afloat for a while.
- I want the fusspot to know that she can have a career and family. Hence, I need to do it myself. And to do it well.
Honestly, I think the reason the SAHM/working mom debate bothered me so much (and I read pages of comments while pumping) is because I am a bit disappointed in aspects of the fusspot's daycare. To be precise, they are letting her CIO at naptime, and it just makes me sad. I really feel like I haven't spent 6 months practice every aspect of attachment parenting (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, responinding to the baby's every cry) to have them undo it in a few short weeks.
Also, during the tour we were promised that there would also be 2 teachers in the classroom. I counted the staff and the hours they are open and was puzzled, but figured they must have a floating teacher to cover lunches and shorten the day. Nope. There are 2 teachers from 9 to 5, but the daycare is open from 8 am to 6 pm. So when I picked the fusspot up at 5:30 yesterday night there were 3 babies strapped into bouncers (I am endlessly thankful that they have no mechanical swings/bouncers/etc at the daycare), 2 toddlers strapped into their high chairs playing, and my fusspot in a (baby-safe) hammock swinging away. Needless to say, all of the babies except mine were shrieking. And yes, just one teacher. Beats me how they'd pass a fire inspection with 4 non-mobile babies, 2 toddlers and 1 teacher post-5 pm, but it is what it is.
And then I spent a while thinking about a few of the comments on the article, including one by a teacher who made some negative comment about how babies with SAHM were so used to be spoiled. While I don't necessarily believe that, when I taught religious school and summer camp, I absolutely could not tell which kids had stay at home moms. And I do remember loving daycare as a child. And JD never had time home with his mother during the day and he seems to have survived. So I just have to recognize that daycare is going to be tough until the fusspot has mobility (she gets so annoyed when she pushes her toys out of reach or wants to move), but this is a temporary phase and thereafter she will almost certainly be happier on a daily basis for the company and games and endless child-safe toys.
Sorry about the rambling, I'm pretty sure the fusspot is either sick or has already become a 'reverse feeder.' She's been taking less than 2 bottles at daycare and waking me every 2 hours to eat since JD left.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
New things
Yesterday I reminded JD to look in the laundry basket while packing ... and there was only one t-shirt of his left in the bin when I checked on his progress.
I reminded him to get his clean laundry off the rack ... and found 2 socks and his only pair of shorts still drying on the rack after he'd 'grabbed all his stuff'.
I reminded him to pack his chargers ...and only found one on the counter.
I reminded him to get his stuff out of the kitchen ... and found his believed Alaska Nalgene sitting on the counter tonight.
But of course it's too late to give him the Nalgene. My darling is home in NYC by now and I am all alone with a fusspot who woke up every hour yesterday night.
Trying, trying, trying to be a responsible single parent (and yes, there are dirty dishes in the sink as I type).
For the record, in the 6 weeks of JD's paternity leave I did not cook a single meal, go grocery shopping alone even once, or do any dishes. Or for that matter wash any pump parts [Total side note. One of the things I found most absurd about the anti-pumping article in the Atlantic was the discussion over fathers finding it gross. While the men discussed may be turned off, my guy took an ever-practical attitude: I pump, he cleans up. And we actually landed up with enough extra pump parts that I could pump up to 4 times a day and just pile all the parts in the sink for him to wash when he got home. It got to the point where he was a bit defensive that only he could really wash the parts well. One more thing I'll miss in the next year].
Yes, we've done this before. A lot. But never with an almost-7-month-old fusspot along for the ride. The one good piece of news today is that the fusspot is finally starting to notice the people smiling, waving and dancing at her in the computer. This evening we chatted online (skype and gmail chat) with my mother, my father, and a dear friend and tomorrow we have several other conversations planned. I really hope that she makes some connection between JD and the funny face in the computer.
And that she sleeps a bit more tonight.
Lots of things to blog about this week: meeting a blogger IRL (and she reveals my top secret location!), my gorgeous apartment, LLL in Europe, access to my exclusive storage closet (aka pumping at work), and a daycare 'meet and greet.' Fun times ahead, but tonight I just wish my husband was here.
I reminded him to get his clean laundry off the rack ... and found 2 socks and his only pair of shorts still drying on the rack after he'd 'grabbed all his stuff'.
I reminded him to pack his chargers ...and only found one on the counter.
I reminded him to get his stuff out of the kitchen ... and found his believed Alaska Nalgene sitting on the counter tonight.
But of course it's too late to give him the Nalgene. My darling is home in NYC by now and I am all alone with a fusspot who woke up every hour yesterday night.
Trying, trying, trying to be a responsible single parent (and yes, there are dirty dishes in the sink as I type).
For the record, in the 6 weeks of JD's paternity leave I did not cook a single meal, go grocery shopping alone even once, or do any dishes. Or for that matter wash any pump parts [Total side note. One of the things I found most absurd about the anti-pumping article in the Atlantic was the discussion over fathers finding it gross. While the men discussed may be turned off, my guy took an ever-practical attitude: I pump, he cleans up. And we actually landed up with enough extra pump parts that I could pump up to 4 times a day and just pile all the parts in the sink for him to wash when he got home. It got to the point where he was a bit defensive that only he could really wash the parts well. One more thing I'll miss in the next year].
Yes, we've done this before. A lot. But never with an almost-7-month-old fusspot along for the ride. The one good piece of news today is that the fusspot is finally starting to notice the people smiling, waving and dancing at her in the computer. This evening we chatted online (skype and gmail chat) with my mother, my father, and a dear friend and tomorrow we have several other conversations planned. I really hope that she makes some connection between JD and the funny face in the computer.
And that she sleeps a bit more tonight.
Lots of things to blog about this week: meeting a blogger IRL (and she reveals my top secret location!), my gorgeous apartment, LLL in Europe, access to my exclusive storage closet (aka pumping at work), and a daycare 'meet and greet.' Fun times ahead, but tonight I just wish my husband was here.
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