Small things on a Sunday morning

1. gdiapers. Be still my superficial, environmentalist heart. We used cloth diapers with the fusspot but couldn't with the dumpling after our move because our new building has no laundry and there is no laundromat nearby. I think I probably didn't consider gdiapers because of the cost, but 2 people posted just the right size gdiapers on craigslist in our neighborhood in less than 24 hours so I just went for it. And oh my do they look adorable! The problem is that I have to strip the dumpling every time I feed him because he loves to immerse himself in whatever is at hand, and since we are always trying to shovel something into his mouth, he spends most of his time at home "practically naking" (according to the fusspot, note the active verb). So now he has adorable new gdiapers, and hopefully they'll even work well (especially since I'll be hand washing them). Although I will admit to being a bit surprised about the cost of the disposable liner, which actually runs to more than a regular diaper (although I suppose at least part of that must be extra cost from manufacturing in some environmentally-more friendly way).

2. A lovely visit with a friend at the children's section of the NYPL at 42nd street. Yes, the book collection is quite nice and they were lovingly indulgent of our loud toddlers, but the place also makes me miss Lalaland. This is what an enticing reading area at a public library should look like (note also: free and better hours than the NYPL):

3. A new babysitter who I quite like. And I think she may like us. I invited her to stay for dinner after work tonight and she did. She's a college kid taking a semester off to work and save up. I also asked her back Monday night for 2 hours, so it is possible that I may just get to go out to dinner with my husband sans kids in 2012.

4. A daughter who loves to listen to books. For hours. Almost anything I pick. She has also decided that she will be a teacher when she grows up. Or a soccer ball (yes, you read that correctly). Dream big my child, dream big.

5. A diagnosis that makes sense. I had a brief consult with another doc this week, and she suggested post-partum anxiety. Which makes a lot more sense that regular ol' PPD. Because most days, most of the time I feel rather happy. But I am still unable to get things done. Important things. Things I really would like to finish. Things that would make my life better, things that I should be good at. No idea if there's anything I can actually do, but nice to have a much more realistic diagnosis. Of course, it doesn't help that anxiety is the mental disorder which terrifies me the most (I grew up with way too much of it at home). Depression is easy for me to recognize and easy to understand as a chemical imbalance (for me). Anxiety is infuriating because it is the inability to complete simple tasks which you know you should be able to do, and being aware enough to know that you should be able to ignore all the noise isn't enough. But it feels like it should be. So at least there's a diagnosis now.

Random parenting books to give away

Yet again starting to sort through all of our stuff in anticipation of moving (at some indefinite time in the next 12 months, but probably on 2 weeks notice when the time comes. Ah the joys of an employment world which assumes only young, single guys take new jobs ...).

If anyone is interested in any of these books just send me an e-mail (longdistanceinfertility at gmail) and I'll happily forward them along. Otherwise they're off to goodwill at the end of the week.

"The Vaccine Book" - Robert Sears
"Caring for your baby and young child birth to age 5" - American Academy of Pediatrics
"What to expect the toddler years" - a bit old, from 1996

Small things on a Tuesday afternoon

1. A project just got canceled at JD's work. And he wrote that he might be home ... for dinner. On a weeknight? Hasn't happened since August! (ok, so he might have meant 10 pm take out for the 2 of us. I probably should clarify that before I abandon my cooking plans).

2. A glorious Sunday which started with this science invitation:


Such fun to set up an activity that I remember doing as a kid. Ok, maybe this will make it a bit clearer:


She obviously had her own ideas which (of course) included a detailed narrative entirely unrelated to the science experiment at hand (note addition of a rubber duck by the fusspot):


And when it looked like attention was waning I did the only reasonable thing I could think of. I dumped a whole box of corn starch into the mess. Our sink may never drain again but I practically hard to wrestle her away from the activity when it was time to head out:


3. And plain glass Montessori pouring sets? Not when mama just got back from vacation ...


4. Sunday afternoon at a lovely city museum with an entire exhibition devoted to one of the fusspot's favorite children's authors: Ezra Jack Keats. Nothing better than listening to your 3 year old recite the lines of the story next to the original illustrations.

5. A late afternoon shopping trip to our super-ritzy goodwill-ish store (Hou.sin.g works for the locals) which resulted in a new $5 necklace for me and some $5 dress-up fancy gloves for the fusspot.

Next up: more maternal angst about early childhood education (alternatively titled: in which my dear readers convince me that New Yorkers are crazy)

Small things on a Friday afternoon

Trying out Ms. Sprogblogger's small things:

1. That my husband and I actually managed to have a conversation and dinner together last night. Ok, so it was 2:30 am and he was eating take-out from the deli below us, but still better than nothing. And then we did the dishes together like a normal, happily-married couple.

2. My totally awesome co-sleeping babies. I love having my own personal heater curled up next to me, and now that he's not eating every 1.5 hours through the night, well, even better. And I love watching the fusspot sleep with an arm thrown over her baby doll every night.

3. The adorableness of 3. Yesterday's mail brought a totally awesome Sinterklaas gift: an LED light-up toy. The fusspot proudly deposited said toy on her pillow in her crib, and then spent most of the night lying next to it with her hands firmly clasped over her eyes so she could sleep.

4. The fire alarm which forced me to go out and get a hot chocolate this morning.

5. Looking forward to shabbos: services, new flowers, a warm dinner in the crockpot ... and then another late night of quiet reading.

A little something new

I have a lot I want to write, but sometimes get intimidated by the carefully worded, well-edited posts I read, so I am going to try the awesome Ms. Sprogblogger's small things list for a week or two and see how it goes.

A few small things which make my day:

1. The fusspot's delightful toddler declarations. She woke up this morning and told me, "I am going to go and giggle that baby now" (by which she means tickle, of course). Earlier in the week she told me "I am definitely going to be a mama when I grow up ..." and while I waited for some profound statement about love or my maternal skills she continued: "so I can have really big boogies!"

2. I work in a rather isolated office, so I don't see many people every day. In fact, most days I see my children, our daycare provider, and one good friend who works near me. And I am finally taking advantage of it by wearing the exact same outfit I wore yesterday. And the day before for good measure. I may well consider it again for tomorrow.

3. A surprise e-mail that some of my favorite relatives may drop by next week.

4. Plans for a relaxing/busy weekend ahead: LLL meeting (please let it better than previous ones), a playdate with friends (no, they have no kids but their building has an awesome playroom) and hopefully the first episode of Project Runway All-Stars.

5. A quiet invitation to play this morning and a fun sink/float activity for tonight (I finally bought a large tupperware container at Target over the weekend - you can see the lid below. Sensory table activities here we come!):

January Resolutions

Please read my last post on New Years angst, but before I forgot a few January resolutions. Not for the whole new year, but starting small with the first month:

1. Light a candle at dinner every night
2. Feed my kids more veggies
3. Be very careful in how I spend money (see, not a budget resolution exactly? I think that this means I will consult JD before making any big purchases. He's a super-minimalist so that usually cuts down on shopping).
4. Put no more than 5 things on my evening to-do list

And tonight, at exactly 10 months old, while entirely distracted by waving his pajama pants in the air (meaning he was "naking" as the fusspot puts it), the dumpling let go of the couch and stood for a full minute.

Ah well, must vent somewhere right?

I read a lot of IF blogs, but also a decent number of parenting/crafty blogs. And the overwhelming theme of this New Years is to "just stop and enjoy your children." You know the gist: "babies grow up so quickly," "what could be more important than playing with your child for 10 minutes?", "I'd rather have a messy home and happy children."

They're sweet, harmless, banalities, right? Except they make me so angry.

The simple fact is that I have been single parenting (except that huge elephant in the room: money) since at least August, and probably since the dumpling was born. And when you are single parenting 2 growing babies you don't actually have the time to just "stop and enjoy the moment." I mean, of course I could, but then I land up doing dishes at 4 am. Or waking up with panic attacks about work at 4:30 am.

And while I am entirely convinced that the day-to-day of being a SAHM is more exhausting than most jobs, the glorious thing if you do it well is the decrease in stress. Folks, it's January 3rd and I am stressed. Angry, sad, spinning in circles stressed about school. Again. It's going to be an awful busy semester and there is simply no time to waste, so here I am soliciting your stress reduction/management suggestions. Just please don't suggest the gym. I actually have a groupon for a gym membership for the month of January. It's 5 blocks from my house and open until midnight, already paid for ... and it's looking doubtful that I'll make it at all. JD is not expecting to be home before midnight this month (yes, he leaves the apartment around 9 am), I don't have time during my brief 31 hours of childcare, and they don't have babysitting in the evenings or on the weekends. I do luckily get a decent amount of exercise with our commute - a good 4 miles pushing a loaded double stroller most days, but it's not necessarily the same as a real workout.

I've tried to find a behavioral therapist to deal with the unproductive parts of the stress to no avail, so suggestions along those lines much appreciated.

I realize that I am up against a lot as I work on these deadlines and finishing up, but the more I think about it the more I really do want a serious chance at this career. We could certainly float a few years of my not working much/making much money but there would definitely be long-term consequences for the fusspot and dumpling's educational opportunities. And if I am going to have to work full-term for the rest of my life, it really would be nice to be something interesting that I am mostly good at. So it is worth struggling through the next few months, but ugh., s on January 3rd? It's really absurd.

It's still the first, right?

There's really no excuse: this post is going to be all about gaining and losing weight. With a touch of grossness and IF thrown in for good fun.

But first, we are back. The trip was incredible and I will have much more to say about that later, but definitely still thinking about what to write. It's hard to travel to a poverty-filled, war-torn country which is the sworn enemy of the USA, attend a fabulous 6-day wedding with baby in tow, and not have something to say. But 2 14-hour flights in 7 days (plus an 8-hour delay, 2 other shorter flights) and a few minor health issues (see below) is making it hard to think through all of that.

In the meantime, it's January 1st let's talk weight gain. Not mine (see below). I know, going away with your petite baby for a week will make any toddler look big. It's basically the same affect as bringing home a new baby when you have a toddler. I wasn't quite expecting that, but then ... let's just be brutal here: the fusspot gained a lot of weight when I was gone. 7 days and she looks noticeably chunkier than when I left. And I found out today that it was a combination of not only greasy food/candy/processed snack foods but a serious sleep deficit. Of the variety of bed at 10:30 pm for a child who turned 3 last month. Not thrilled would be an understatement but I am really trying hard not to overreact. JD noticed the same thing, and I have now had a first conversation with my MIL. Bizarrely she reads a lot on health and had read the recent NYT article on the challenges of losing weight, but she still insists that the fusspot must. eat. more. anything. always. of the variety that thinks candy-at-midnight-is-good. And it drives me crazy. There seems to be practically no discipline at my in-laws but they adore the babies and are truly devoted grandparents. I guess I should throw out there that my usual rule is that anything within reason goes here, since it's their house and we are usually only here for 2-3 days at a time. They have filled their house with loud electronic toys (3 new ones this Christmas including 2 super-cheap ($12.99) plastic baby dolls for the fusspot with terrifyingly creepy cries), encourage TV watching (it's good for learning!), and routinely spend days without so much as going for a walk let alone a playground or any real activity. So not exactly the environment we aspire to at home, but then again the weekends we spend here are truly my only parenting break during the year. So I truly ought to be grateful, but the transition period back to our routine keeps getting longer for both kids. Suggestions?

Weight loss? Oh, that's me. Rocking 7 lbs in the past 3 days. Nope, not exactly a miracle diet. Having returned from the subcontinent, I find myself in exactly the same place I was when the fusspot and I returned to the U.S. Nursing a baby, stomach bug (strong suspicions towards the exact same bug I had then. I was on some quite strong prophylactic drugs given my prior GI problems and anyway nothing OTC is safe while nursing and I have the exact same symptoms: here we come gas baby 2012!*) And to review my IF history, I only ovulate when I drop a huge amount of weight suddenly. With both the fusspot and the dumpling I dropped at least 25 lbs in the month prior to their conception, and possibly as much as 30. So yeah. The wheels churn slowly when jetlagged. I was actually masochistic enough to go off my meds for about 24 hours to see what would happen (this also would have some benefits if it were a more minor infection of clearing everything out, sorry TMI) and it was bad. Bad enough that I was googling wait times in local ERs due to dehydration. So yeah, for now I'm back on the meds, sick, waiting for my specialist to open his office on Wednesday. Pissed that every time I travel I get sick, pissed that it makes me tired, pissed that I am of course nursing so I can't even take any really strong pain meds. But then again, wondering exactly what my body will do with this weight loss. I am going on 48 hours without being able to keep anything down ... ugh. Seriously wondering how I am ever going to manage to get the kids to daycare on Tuesday morning given my current state ...

Here's to hoping your new years is calmer, quieter, and less-stink filled than ours, but still deeply thankful for an incredible trip and to come home to my beautiful big girl and seriously grumpy husband.

* When I have bacterial GI problems (as opposed to amoeba or tapeworms, did I mention I like to travel?) I tend to bloat. Such that in 2010 I was well into my maternity wardrobe by the time we treated the so-called-gas-baby-of-2010.