The highlight of the day was the gorgeous, enormous bouquet of tulips on our table. I love tulips. I could leave it there, and suggest by absence that my darling husband has realized quite how hard it's been for me to have him out till midnight every night and stressed about work and being entirely unsupportive ... but the truth is that they came from a charming, bumbling 60-year-old Swedish tourist. The fusspot and I just happened to find his iphone while out on a forced 3 mile walk (Item #4 on our natural induction list) and I was honestly exceedingly proud of figuring out how to use such a fancy phone in a foreign language. And more than delighted when he showed up at our apartment to reclaim his phone with flowers in hand.
And another good big city story, this time from our last trip to L and D. That is only relevant because it explains why JD, the fusspot and I were out and about in a neighborhood which is distinctly not the one we live in rather late at night. One thing that I learned very quickly living in NYC and traveling a lot is that if you look confident and are even moderately dressed the part, you can breeze through all sorts of security and into places you clearly don't belong. Which is all just to explain that when JD got some type of important work call on his phone, rather than waiting on the street, the 3 of us popped into a rather fancy building. JD was chattering away, while typing on his blackberry, and I was trying to distract the fusspot from joining in on the conversation with the usual repertoire of jumping games/walking backwards/skipping/etc. At some point a rather busy-looking business guy with an entourage came breezing through the lobby. The fusspot and I were busy practicing our backwards walking while also sticking out our tongues, and somehow she managed to walk right into the lead guy who tripped. JD gave me a funny smirk from the corner, but I really thought nothing of it. I know it's probably not the very best attitude, but I glowered at the guy for tripping over my toddler, and we went back to walking backwards while sticking out our tongues (after all, he's the adult in the collision). It wasn't until an hour or so later that JD remarked "Yeah, pretty hard not to crack up on that phone call when the fusspot tripped the chairman of Goldm.an S.achs and you proceeded to give him a dirty look." Just another evening in the big city waiting to go into labor.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
I might just have made it in mommy-land
I have a date today. A (fast food) lunch and shopping date. With another local mom. Sans children. And not to boast or anything, but we're going fabric shopping in the fabric district.
I really hope that it lives up to my expectations since the rest of the day is filled with the usual NST and appointments cluttered around the fusspot's nap and than an evening home alone with toddler.
In other news, I am now last woman standing. My 2 friends/acquaintances who were due the week after me have both delivered already.
And for the cute fusspot story of the day, I was reading a rather leftish parenting book (Montessori/Waldorf blend) the other day which lauded the immense importance of "nature walks" and allowing children to explore the natural world freely, put their feet in the mud, the usual. I realized yesterday on the way home from daycare (3.5 blocks, folks. Only 3.5 blocks but it still occupies at least a good half hour or more when the fusspot walks) that the fusspot would truly excel at nature walks if we lived in the "countryside." On the way home she not only pointed out "cigarette" butts and "icky gum" multiple times, scrapped her coat along 4 different dirty building exteriors to feel the texture, stomped on every scrap of dirty slush she could find, stood under the open drainage pipe to feel the dirty run-off drip down her back, attempted to eat who knows what that was stuck on someone else's stair, twice sat down in the middle of the sidewalk to take a rest ... she's definitely got the right idea, just not quite the perfect setting.
I really hope that it lives up to my expectations since the rest of the day is filled with the usual NST and appointments cluttered around the fusspot's nap and than an evening home alone with toddler.
In other news, I am now last woman standing. My 2 friends/acquaintances who were due the week after me have both delivered already.
And for the cute fusspot story of the day, I was reading a rather leftish parenting book (Montessori/Waldorf blend) the other day which lauded the immense importance of "nature walks" and allowing children to explore the natural world freely, put their feet in the mud, the usual. I realized yesterday on the way home from daycare (3.5 blocks, folks. Only 3.5 blocks but it still occupies at least a good half hour or more when the fusspot walks) that the fusspot would truly excel at nature walks if we lived in the "countryside." On the way home she not only pointed out "cigarette" butts and "icky gum" multiple times, scrapped her coat along 4 different dirty building exteriors to feel the texture, stomped on every scrap of dirty slush she could find, stood under the open drainage pipe to feel the dirty run-off drip down her back, attempted to eat who knows what that was stuck on someone else's stair, twice sat down in the middle of the sidewalk to take a rest ... she's definitely got the right idea, just not quite the perfect setting.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Nada
Went to visit the midwives again this morning. Apparently I am not even dilated enough to make feasible stripping the membranes. They seem entirely unconcerned and assured me that I have up until and even a little past 42 weeks to go into labor.
Then I called the doula who also reassured me that babies come out on their own time.
Which is all just so different from last time, when my mis-diagnosis of gestational diabetes meant that I would most likely be induced on my due date or a day or two past at most. It is SO absurd that a difference of a couple points in a glucose test can change everything from "must get baby out immediately" to "no rush at all."
If it were up to me, I'd start all the natural induction stuff immediately. I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable, I feel like I'm just postponing the moment when I can start to get back into recovery mode, but then again I also want a fully baked baby.
And while I know that my overwhelming feeling ought to be excitement about this baby, I feel like one of those dyed-in-the-wool infertiles who looks at a bfp and thinks, this is just a lab result. I'll think about baby when I am holding baby. I know that I'll be excited when I have a baby, but at the moment everything seems like managing a pregnancy, not related to baby at all.
So yeah, the news is no news. Although one friend who was due 2 days after me had her baby yesterday evening. In the car, enroute to the hospital. And from her description all was well.
And if you read this far (hi Jenn!), a cute fusspot story. I have been rather self-indulgent recently, and both the fusspot and I received boxes in the mail today. Hers, a delightful $5 used pair of pink velcro shoes for the summer off e-bay, me a slightly sexier ankle-high blue leather boot which was on sale on amazon last week. Needless to say, while we both tried on our new shoes at the same time, the fusspot decided that mine were more fun and spent a good half-hour tonight stomping around the apartment in my boots while pushing her stroller and carrying a hot pink purse. The boots are of course one more delightfully materialistic object to add to the "not going to be pregnant forever" pile in my closet, but it's good to know that someone in the apartment can get a little use out of them this week.
Then I called the doula who also reassured me that babies come out on their own time.
Which is all just so different from last time, when my mis-diagnosis of gestational diabetes meant that I would most likely be induced on my due date or a day or two past at most. It is SO absurd that a difference of a couple points in a glucose test can change everything from "must get baby out immediately" to "no rush at all."
If it were up to me, I'd start all the natural induction stuff immediately. I'm tired, I'm uncomfortable, I feel like I'm just postponing the moment when I can start to get back into recovery mode, but then again I also want a fully baked baby.
And while I know that my overwhelming feeling ought to be excitement about this baby, I feel like one of those dyed-in-the-wool infertiles who looks at a bfp and thinks, this is just a lab result. I'll think about baby when I am holding baby. I know that I'll be excited when I have a baby, but at the moment everything seems like managing a pregnancy, not related to baby at all.
So yeah, the news is no news. Although one friend who was due 2 days after me had her baby yesterday evening. In the car, enroute to the hospital. And from her description all was well.
And if you read this far (hi Jenn!), a cute fusspot story. I have been rather self-indulgent recently, and both the fusspot and I received boxes in the mail today. Hers, a delightful $5 used pair of pink velcro shoes for the summer off e-bay, me a slightly sexier ankle-high blue leather boot which was on sale on amazon last week. Needless to say, while we both tried on our new shoes at the same time, the fusspot decided that mine were more fun and spent a good half-hour tonight stomping around the apartment in my boots while pushing her stroller and carrying a hot pink purse. The boots are of course one more delightfully materialistic object to add to the "not going to be pregnant forever" pile in my closet, but it's good to know that someone in the apartment can get a little use out of them this week.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
All I can say
is that I really hope that my immense grumpiness is hormonal and that it goes away soon. I am truly barely fit for appearing in public.
Astoundingly, the only person who has yet to get on my bad side is the fusspot, who has been behaving exceedingly, exceedingly well. Let's hope that doesn't change next week. Yesterday afternoon we snuggled in my bed and after I'd read the same book to her twice in a row she actually read it back to me. Correct plot and all. Don't worry, I'm not exactly delusional (and long-time readers may recall that she still has a noteable speech delay). The book was "No" by Claudia Rueda and the plot is sweet but not excessively complicated: a little bear doesn't want to come in from playing in the snow. His mother warns him of the impending storm, and he eventually relents. The fusspot got the big picture: baby cold. Snow. Baby sad. Mama and baby happy (when they are reunited).
People who are not on my good side at the moment: my colleagues, my husband, the camera repair store, the sewing machine repair store (and for that matter the sewing machine itself), USPS ...
Hoping for some news of progress in the morning from the midwives, or at least the go-ahead to go wild with the "natural induction" techniques. No, I don't seriously think that they work but I do firmly believe in the scientific validity of the placebo effect.
Astoundingly, the only person who has yet to get on my bad side is the fusspot, who has been behaving exceedingly, exceedingly well. Let's hope that doesn't change next week. Yesterday afternoon we snuggled in my bed and after I'd read the same book to her twice in a row she actually read it back to me. Correct plot and all. Don't worry, I'm not exactly delusional (and long-time readers may recall that she still has a noteable speech delay). The book was "No" by Claudia Rueda and the plot is sweet but not excessively complicated: a little bear doesn't want to come in from playing in the snow. His mother warns him of the impending storm, and he eventually relents. The fusspot got the big picture: baby cold. Snow. Baby sad. Mama and baby happy (when they are reunited).
People who are not on my good side at the moment: my colleagues, my husband, the camera repair store, the sewing machine repair store (and for that matter the sewing machine itself), USPS ...
Hoping for some news of progress in the morning from the midwives, or at least the go-ahead to go wild with the "natural induction" techniques. No, I don't seriously think that they work but I do firmly believe in the scientific validity of the placebo effect.
Friday, February 18, 2011
A quick question
Since we're still stuck on names and all and you, my dear readers, were so very helpful last time I publicly pondered these questions ... tell me true what are your associations with the following (granted, exceedingly unusual) names:
Ad.lai
A.mos
E.mil
Av.ner
Mi.lo
We're wondering if one of these has particular racial connotations, or if that reference is now too old to be that important, and if another is so exceedingly waspish as to be unpleasant. Not that I knew either reference until my father mentioned them, but apparently my cultural knowledge is a bit limited.
I really appreciate all of the earlier suggestions and found it quite funny that several people including Angela (do you have a blog?) included our chosen middle name. The middle name has been fixed for some time and would have been the first name had it not jumped in popularity in the past 2 years thanks to some rather unfortunate celebrities including a Brazilian supermodel/football player couple and John Travolta's "miraculously-conceived-naturally-thanks-to-the-power-of-wanting-it-really-badly-and-relaxing" baby.
We also realized last night that one big problem is that JD's last name is so short that a lot of the easy Hebrew names like Lev, Dov and Eli really don't work with it. I don't want to give my kid a burden for filling out forms, but it seems like his full name should be slightly over 2 syllables/6 letters. Of course, that does raise the question of using my last name for the bargain baby, something we debated for a long time with the fusspot. JD is totally open to it, but now that one child has his last name I'd kind of like to continue to use it for the rest to minimize confusion. However, my name is one of those totally classic Jewish last names (like Cohen or Goldstein) which would eliminate the need for a Hebrew first name. Argh! Back to work.
Ad.lai
A.mos
E.mil
Av.ner
Mi.lo
We're wondering if one of these has particular racial connotations, or if that reference is now too old to be that important, and if another is so exceedingly waspish as to be unpleasant. Not that I knew either reference until my father mentioned them, but apparently my cultural knowledge is a bit limited.
I really appreciate all of the earlier suggestions and found it quite funny that several people including Angela (do you have a blog?) included our chosen middle name. The middle name has been fixed for some time and would have been the first name had it not jumped in popularity in the past 2 years thanks to some rather unfortunate celebrities including a Brazilian supermodel/football player couple and John Travolta's "miraculously-conceived-naturally-thanks-to-the-power-of-wanting-it-really-badly-and-relaxing" baby.
We also realized last night that one big problem is that JD's last name is so short that a lot of the easy Hebrew names like Lev, Dov and Eli really don't work with it. I don't want to give my kid a burden for filling out forms, but it seems like his full name should be slightly over 2 syllables/6 letters. Of course, that does raise the question of using my last name for the bargain baby, something we debated for a long time with the fusspot. JD is totally open to it, but now that one child has his last name I'd kind of like to continue to use it for the rest to minimize confusion. However, my name is one of those totally classic Jewish last names (like Cohen or Goldstein) which would eliminate the need for a Hebrew first name. Argh! Back to work.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Yet again she fails to learn her lesson
A certain family member e-mailed earlier this week to ask if she could come visit. Long-time readers certainly know who I am talking about (new readers might not realize that a significant portion of our tension is IF related so a lot has been written on it in the past) ... and despite being rather pregnant, tired, and looking forward to a relaxing final weekend as a family of 3 I dutifully said yes ...
And for the 4th time this year she canceled. This despite the fact that she lives a couples of hours drive away, and has thus far seen her one and only niece a grand total of 3 times in her life. Oh, and constantly espouses to the family that she really "cherishes" her relationship with her niece, not to mention gives lengthy lectures about the status of the bargain baby's boy parts. Her original excuse was a minor illness which I assured her we didn't mind being exposed to (I know, I know ... don't get sick when 38 weeks pregnant, but the fusspot is also in daycare and I ride the subway almost every day now ... if it's going around we're going to be exposed). The follow-up e-mail indicated she probably has too much work to come. And I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her: Seriously, SHE has too much work?????? I have a 2 year old, a husband who hasn't been home before 1 am in about 2 weeks (weekends included), oodles and oodles of work to finish pre-baby, and oh, should try to stay well-rested in case I go into labor at any moment ....
Yeah. Needless to say I simply failed to respond to her e-mail because that's just about as polite as I can muster tonight. I was going to post nice and happy things, but hopefully that'll happen tomorrow. JD and I are going to try and go out to brunch on Sunday, and a friend may come visit tomorrow night ... so that should be lovely. I also treated myself to yet another anticipating-post-partum-pudge but not whale-sized-bump shopping spree in the XL clearance section of Uniqlo this week which was super-cheap and super-fun. So hopefully more cheerful thoughts later, but I needed to vent someplace.
And for the record, I really did think that L and D would prioritize the bargain baby's health over the distraction of a toddler. Not only did I bring her stroller so she would be strapped in during my exam, but I was plenty well-stocked with a bag of cookies, crayons and playdoh to keep her quiet for at least 20 minutes. I figured worst case scenario, the fusspot would fuss, but it's a L and D floor, surely they're used to a bit of noise every now and then? And folks, when you walk into L and D and announce "38 weeks and no fetal movement for 48 hours" let me assure you that you bypass the line of women who are actually in labor, and most everybody else. And usually the nurses give such a deep sigh of relief when they pick up the heartbeat that makes it clear that we all know that terrible things happen and NFM is not the ideal label on a triage chart. But apparently, yes, in NYC the no-under-12s-on-the-floor rules trump even those concerns.
And for the 4th time this year she canceled. This despite the fact that she lives a couples of hours drive away, and has thus far seen her one and only niece a grand total of 3 times in her life. Oh, and constantly espouses to the family that she really "cherishes" her relationship with her niece, not to mention gives lengthy lectures about the status of the bargain baby's boy parts. Her original excuse was a minor illness which I assured her we didn't mind being exposed to (I know, I know ... don't get sick when 38 weeks pregnant, but the fusspot is also in daycare and I ride the subway almost every day now ... if it's going around we're going to be exposed). The follow-up e-mail indicated she probably has too much work to come. And I just want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her: Seriously, SHE has too much work?????? I have a 2 year old, a husband who hasn't been home before 1 am in about 2 weeks (weekends included), oodles and oodles of work to finish pre-baby, and oh, should try to stay well-rested in case I go into labor at any moment ....
Yeah. Needless to say I simply failed to respond to her e-mail because that's just about as polite as I can muster tonight. I was going to post nice and happy things, but hopefully that'll happen tomorrow. JD and I are going to try and go out to brunch on Sunday, and a friend may come visit tomorrow night ... so that should be lovely. I also treated myself to yet another anticipating-post-partum-pudge but not whale-sized-bump shopping spree in the XL clearance section of Uniqlo this week which was super-cheap and super-fun. So hopefully more cheerful thoughts later, but I needed to vent someplace.
And for the record, I really did think that L and D would prioritize the bargain baby's health over the distraction of a toddler. Not only did I bring her stroller so she would be strapped in during my exam, but I was plenty well-stocked with a bag of cookies, crayons and playdoh to keep her quiet for at least 20 minutes. I figured worst case scenario, the fusspot would fuss, but it's a L and D floor, surely they're used to a bit of noise every now and then? And folks, when you walk into L and D and announce "38 weeks and no fetal movement for 48 hours" let me assure you that you bypass the line of women who are actually in labor, and most everybody else. And usually the nurses give such a deep sigh of relief when they pick up the heartbeat that makes it clear that we all know that terrible things happen and NFM is not the ideal label on a triage chart. But apparently, yes, in NYC the no-under-12s-on-the-floor rules trump even those concerns.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Trip to L and D #2
went surprisingly well. Although I do wish that the midwife who suggested I head in had been a bit more forthright about their policy about unattended toddlers. I.e. it's not exactly that "they weren't happy" so much as "no children under age 12 means that you and your toddler will sit in the waiting room until you've run through your full list of contacts and we really don't care that you'd like to know if the baby in your tummy is dead or alive until you find someone to ditch the toddler with." So yeah. Lesson learned. Next time, don't even bother to head in until I find someone to watch the fusspot.
I was of course a bit more on edge by the time I was admitted than when I arrived an hour previously, which lead to an almost knock-down-drag-out fight with the head nurse in L and D who suggested that I remove both bra and undies prior to starting an NST. I had some choice words for her about not really feeling the need to freeze my more tender body parts during a 45 minute NST and also fully intending to refuse an internal exam (baring some disastrous NST result) and thus being quite content to keep my undies on. She actually called in the doctor, who fully endorsed my choice to remain slightly covered (but still shivering) through my NST. Of course, I was most sympathetic to the woman with pre-e next curtain over to me who was told "not to cry" about being induced immediately. Seriously, no idea what happened at L and D today, but nobody had an ounce of sympathy left.
Needless to say, the bargain baby, who had utterly refused to budge for over 24 hours despite the practically lethal combo of 2 glasses of OJ and a bag of dried pineapple, was perfectly fine. I rather enjoyed the extended u/s done for the benefit of the rather attractive and utterly clueless med student, and in the end JD left work early to come watch the fusspot in the lobby of the hospital. Which also meant that we had our first family dinner together in about 2 weeks (my husband has not been home before 1 am since last Friday ... and he's been heading out before the fusspot and I are up in the mornings. In retrospect, do I feel bad about moving to Lalaland alone last year? Nope). He is of course back at work, but that's ok.
Speaking of med students, one of my dear friends just finished his ob/gyn residency. I mention this because he had 2 days off after the rotation, and came to hang out with us. At some point he asked if I was nervous about anything this time, and the issue of the fusspot unweaning came up. He was utterly baffled and mumbled something about she probably wouldn't remember how to latch on, it having been 9 months and all ... yeah, Mr.-Doctor-in-2-months was taught in med school that breastmilk dries up as soon as you get pregnant. Cracks me up.
And yet again, thank you for all of the name suggestions. No resolution yet, but we at least have a longer list of possibilities.
I was of course a bit more on edge by the time I was admitted than when I arrived an hour previously, which lead to an almost knock-down-drag-out fight with the head nurse in L and D who suggested that I remove both bra and undies prior to starting an NST. I had some choice words for her about not really feeling the need to freeze my more tender body parts during a 45 minute NST and also fully intending to refuse an internal exam (baring some disastrous NST result) and thus being quite content to keep my undies on. She actually called in the doctor, who fully endorsed my choice to remain slightly covered (but still shivering) through my NST. Of course, I was most sympathetic to the woman with pre-e next curtain over to me who was told "not to cry" about being induced immediately. Seriously, no idea what happened at L and D today, but nobody had an ounce of sympathy left.
Needless to say, the bargain baby, who had utterly refused to budge for over 24 hours despite the practically lethal combo of 2 glasses of OJ and a bag of dried pineapple, was perfectly fine. I rather enjoyed the extended u/s done for the benefit of the rather attractive and utterly clueless med student, and in the end JD left work early to come watch the fusspot in the lobby of the hospital. Which also meant that we had our first family dinner together in about 2 weeks (my husband has not been home before 1 am since last Friday ... and he's been heading out before the fusspot and I are up in the mornings. In retrospect, do I feel bad about moving to Lalaland alone last year? Nope). He is of course back at work, but that's ok.
Speaking of med students, one of my dear friends just finished his ob/gyn residency. I mention this because he had 2 days off after the rotation, and came to hang out with us. At some point he asked if I was nervous about anything this time, and the issue of the fusspot unweaning came up. He was utterly baffled and mumbled something about she probably wouldn't remember how to latch on, it having been 9 months and all ... yeah, Mr.-Doctor-in-2-months was taught in med school that breastmilk dries up as soon as you get pregnant. Cracks me up.
And yet again, thank you for all of the name suggestions. No resolution yet, but we at least have a longer list of possibilities.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Mostly ready except for the $600 elephant in the room
I actually feel decently prepared for this baby to come out. The baby clothes are washed and sorted. Newborn diapers (cloth and disposable) have been added to the diaper bin. My hospital bag is packed (with lots of new snacks - thanks for the suggestions!) and a million pieces of paper have been taped to the back of the apartment door with info for JD and whoever else is here to take care of the fusspot. I even feel decently emotionally prepared.
Or maybe it's just that unlike last time my body is in such a thorough state of deterioration that I actually think I will feel better in a vastly sleep-deprived state postpartum than I do now. Not only do I have severe carpal tunnel, PUPPP all over my stomach and a significant amount of "swelling" (not in the hands or feet, mind you, but somewhere rather more tender. I am in fact still wearing my wedding ring as I type this) but the usual back-ache associated with carrying a 2-year old up and down subway stairs and lugging our groceries home on foot.
Except ... when I woke up last night with cramps and decided to wake JD around 4 am to mention the fact ... he rolled over and mumbled about picking a name immediately. Yeah, we have no name. And as you might notice from the title we now know exactly how much it will cost us to make the same mistake twice. Long-time readers may remember that the fusspot was discharged with no name at all, and it was only thanks to the kindness of a wonderful nurse who "misplaced" our paperwork that she received a first name. However, good, dutiful parents that we are we settled on a middle name this summer and decided to legally add it. Having done this rather recently for JD we figured it would be about $200 total. Not so much anymore. Here's the breakdown:
$60 court fees
$300 public notice of name change (the judge chooses the paper and this judge chose the most expensive one in the big city)
$36 legal copies of name change
$125 fee to change name on passport (Note: a new passport for a child is only $95, but the name change part of it knocks you into the adult-pay scheme. This seems to be manifestly unfair) plus new passport photos
$0 change social security card
$60 change name on birth certificate with Department of Health
Which is all to say that we're motivated to pick a name punctually this time. Except we are having no luck at all.
Here's what I want: A nice, Israeli (not Biblical) name which clearly indicates the bargain baby's religion and hints at his ethnic identity. To give you a sense of names I love: Na.dav, Ak.iv.a, Av.ner, Mei.r.
Here's what JD wants: An easy to spell, dignified, not-too-funny sounding name which happens to be easy to pronounce in Chinese. To give you a sense of names JD finds ok: Emi.l, Mi.lo, Jas.per. He clearly leans towards hipster-ish less common names, but other than that I can't figure out the pattern.
What we agree upon: we would pick the easiest, most straightforward spelling of any name we pick (i.e. if both Emil and Emile or Daniel and Dannniell are options, we'd go for the first one both times). We did not really want to consider any name in the top 20, and we do not want to pick a clearly Christian name (i.e. no apostles, etc.).
The overlap: nil.
Oh, and I am deeply superstitious about even saying the name aloud prior to the formal naming (which happens 8 days postpartum when all goes well).
So here is where we solicit advice:
a. general suggestions based on our completely incoherent ambiguous preferences?
b. how do you feel about the name Jas.per given that it apparently features in the Twilight series and will thus be creeping up the census list, at least to some extent, for the next several years?
c. general advice on how you and your partner did/plan to resolve these issues
d. thoughts on the importance of a name reflecting a person's identity? I find it rather odd when nice little Jewish boys have Irish names, for example, but many people do not (including my husband apparently). And while we have discussed at length using my last name instead of JD's, our current consensus (for many complex reasons) is that we'd like to use his last name for the bargain baby ... so it'll be something stereotypically Chinese, like Lee.
To answer a few basic suggestions, we have 4 Jewish baby name books on the shelf and have thumbed through them multiple times. We have also been through both the U.S. census and NYC list of baby names for the past several years for ideas. Also, while it is traditional to name after a deceased relative in my family, we used the fusspot's middle name to carry on this tradition and plan to do the same for the bargain baby.
And for those of you who have waded this far, a good JD story to end the evening post. JD has an officemate. He spends 60-70 hours a week in his office, so even if his officemate is working slightly different hours they spend at least 5o hours a week in the same small room. I think that I said something about how this poor guy must be looking forward to JD's leave so that he won't have to listen to our rather inane conversations during the day (frequently about what to buy at the grocery store) and JD replies ... that he hasn't told his officemate that I'm pregnant yet. Yeah. Someone tell me that my husband is not the only one who would fail to mention to the guy he sits next to all day long that his wife is 38 weeks pregnant? JD's only response to my baffled look being "it just hasn't come up yet."
Or maybe it's just that unlike last time my body is in such a thorough state of deterioration that I actually think I will feel better in a vastly sleep-deprived state postpartum than I do now. Not only do I have severe carpal tunnel, PUPPP all over my stomach and a significant amount of "swelling" (not in the hands or feet, mind you, but somewhere rather more tender. I am in fact still wearing my wedding ring as I type this) but the usual back-ache associated with carrying a 2-year old up and down subway stairs and lugging our groceries home on foot.
Except ... when I woke up last night with cramps and decided to wake JD around 4 am to mention the fact ... he rolled over and mumbled about picking a name immediately. Yeah, we have no name. And as you might notice from the title we now know exactly how much it will cost us to make the same mistake twice. Long-time readers may remember that the fusspot was discharged with no name at all, and it was only thanks to the kindness of a wonderful nurse who "misplaced" our paperwork that she received a first name. However, good, dutiful parents that we are we settled on a middle name this summer and decided to legally add it. Having done this rather recently for JD we figured it would be about $200 total. Not so much anymore. Here's the breakdown:
$60 court fees
$300 public notice of name change (the judge chooses the paper and this judge chose the most expensive one in the big city)
$36 legal copies of name change
$125 fee to change name on passport (Note: a new passport for a child is only $95, but the name change part of it knocks you into the adult-pay scheme. This seems to be manifestly unfair) plus new passport photos
$0 change social security card
$60 change name on birth certificate with Department of Health
Which is all to say that we're motivated to pick a name punctually this time. Except we are having no luck at all.
Here's what I want: A nice, Israeli (not Biblical) name which clearly indicates the bargain baby's religion and hints at his ethnic identity. To give you a sense of names I love: Na.dav, Ak.iv.a, Av.ner, Mei.r.
Here's what JD wants: An easy to spell, dignified, not-too-funny sounding name which happens to be easy to pronounce in Chinese. To give you a sense of names JD finds ok: Emi.l, Mi.lo, Jas.per. He clearly leans towards hipster-ish less common names, but other than that I can't figure out the pattern.
What we agree upon: we would pick the easiest, most straightforward spelling of any name we pick (i.e. if both Emil and Emile or Daniel and Dannniell are options, we'd go for the first one both times). We did not really want to consider any name in the top 20, and we do not want to pick a clearly Christian name (i.e. no apostles, etc.).
The overlap: nil.
Oh, and I am deeply superstitious about even saying the name aloud prior to the formal naming (which happens 8 days postpartum when all goes well).
So here is where we solicit advice:
a. general suggestions based on our completely incoherent ambiguous preferences?
b. how do you feel about the name Jas.per given that it apparently features in the Twilight series and will thus be creeping up the census list, at least to some extent, for the next several years?
c. general advice on how you and your partner did/plan to resolve these issues
d. thoughts on the importance of a name reflecting a person's identity? I find it rather odd when nice little Jewish boys have Irish names, for example, but many people do not (including my husband apparently). And while we have discussed at length using my last name instead of JD's, our current consensus (for many complex reasons) is that we'd like to use his last name for the bargain baby ... so it'll be something stereotypically Chinese, like Lee.
To answer a few basic suggestions, we have 4 Jewish baby name books on the shelf and have thumbed through them multiple times. We have also been through both the U.S. census and NYC list of baby names for the past several years for ideas. Also, while it is traditional to name after a deceased relative in my family, we used the fusspot's middle name to carry on this tradition and plan to do the same for the bargain baby.
And for those of you who have waded this far, a good JD story to end the evening post. JD has an officemate. He spends 60-70 hours a week in his office, so even if his officemate is working slightly different hours they spend at least 5o hours a week in the same small room. I think that I said something about how this poor guy must be looking forward to JD's leave so that he won't have to listen to our rather inane conversations during the day (frequently about what to buy at the grocery store) and JD replies ... that he hasn't told his officemate that I'm pregnant yet. Yeah. Someone tell me that my husband is not the only one who would fail to mention to the guy he sits next to all day long that his wife is 38 weeks pregnant? JD's only response to my baffled look being "it just hasn't come up yet."
Thursday, February 10, 2011
It might all work out ... or not
Thank you, thank you for your kind comments. All sorts of replies/requests for more advice below, but this morning I finally managed to corner the pediatrician in charge of discharging the bargain baby. Our conversation went something like this:
Me (in total bluffing mode): You know that I might leave the state to avoid your policy? You know that I might face an unnecessary induction and all resultant risks just to be able to get this drug into me? You know that the supervising doctor wouldn't prescribe me a daily dose (via IV) of this drug because, oh, it's not safe during pregnancy?
Doctor: Yeah, this drug is really iffy ... and yeah, I know that all the hospital is going to do is take the baby's temperature ... and ladidadida if you and baby both look good ... ladidadida the alternatives don't sound great ... I guess we could consider an early discharge as long as you have 6 hours of the drug in you .... ladidadida ... and agree to bring the baby in to our office within 24 hours of delivery (unless that would be a Sunday, in which case beats me what to do) and take his temperature every 2 hours ... so I'll talk to my colleagues and see if they agree ...
In Summary: No one knows what the right dose of this drug is, the hospital will be doing little other than taking the baby's temperature to monitor his well-being, and even the pediatrician realizes that the risks of an induction/travel with a newborn/even just dragging a 24-hour-old baby into a sick baby waiting room are greater than leaving my Strep untreated. So yeah, if I make it to the hospital 6 hours before delivery they'll probably give the baby early discharge. Which is about 1000% better than the 12 hours or no way that I originally got.
But that is by no means guaranteed.
As for your suggestions:
1. I wish it were as easy as taking the baby AMA (against medical advice). But it's not. If you refuse medical care for your newborn in NYC you automatically trigger a CPS investigation (child protectiv.e services) and the hospital can step in and have your parental rights temporarily removed in an "emergency." Believe me, this state is crazy. For example, if you refuse the ointment in the baby's eyes it triggers a CPS investigation (the ointment is to prevent blindness if you have an unidentified STD) and while that's all well and fine it's true even if you give birth via scheduled c-section, meaning the baby was nowhere near your vagina.
2. I find it a bit funny that everything thinks all hospitals oppose co-sleeping. We had to specially request a bassinet for the fusspot because the birthin.g center part of the hospital strongly endorses co-sleeping and kept telling me that the fusspot would sleep better in bed with me. But I do think (from friend's accounts) that they take it a bit further than "reminding" you not to sleep with the baby and will take the baby to the nursery if you are clearly settling in for the night with baby in arms.
3. Snacks. Please advise. I just packed our hospital bag and I am at a total loss as to what to pack. The bag currently has: 4 chocolate bars, gatorade, a few energy bars, some dried fruit. What else can I pack that doesn't require refrigeration? I don't want to rely on myself to make a stack of lovely sandwiches when I am in labor and rushing out the door, but I really can't figure out what else to pack that doesn't require refrigeration. I also remember being completely famished after having the fusspot. And Ms. J, while I wish that I could rely on my friends ... well, better not to set myself up for disappointment when I am super hormonal anyway. Everyone in this city thinks that they are busier than they actually are.
4. As for probiotics/suppositories/garlic ... I did that. Still positive. Plus, once you test positive in this state even if you then test negative later you are still considered positive for liability reasons.
The good news is that this might all work out, the bad news is that my back-up plan is still to be discharged and leave the bargain baby alone in the hospital for some amount of time.
Me (in total bluffing mode): You know that I might leave the state to avoid your policy? You know that I might face an unnecessary induction and all resultant risks just to be able to get this drug into me? You know that the supervising doctor wouldn't prescribe me a daily dose (via IV) of this drug because, oh, it's not safe during pregnancy?
Doctor: Yeah, this drug is really iffy ... and yeah, I know that all the hospital is going to do is take the baby's temperature ... and ladidadida if you and baby both look good ... ladidadida the alternatives don't sound great ... I guess we could consider an early discharge as long as you have 6 hours of the drug in you .... ladidadida ... and agree to bring the baby in to our office within 24 hours of delivery (unless that would be a Sunday, in which case beats me what to do) and take his temperature every 2 hours ... so I'll talk to my colleagues and see if they agree ...
In Summary: No one knows what the right dose of this drug is, the hospital will be doing little other than taking the baby's temperature to monitor his well-being, and even the pediatrician realizes that the risks of an induction/travel with a newborn/even just dragging a 24-hour-old baby into a sick baby waiting room are greater than leaving my Strep untreated. So yeah, if I make it to the hospital 6 hours before delivery they'll probably give the baby early discharge. Which is about 1000% better than the 12 hours or no way that I originally got.
But that is by no means guaranteed.
As for your suggestions:
1. I wish it were as easy as taking the baby AMA (against medical advice). But it's not. If you refuse medical care for your newborn in NYC you automatically trigger a CPS investigation (child protectiv.e services) and the hospital can step in and have your parental rights temporarily removed in an "emergency." Believe me, this state is crazy. For example, if you refuse the ointment in the baby's eyes it triggers a CPS investigation (the ointment is to prevent blindness if you have an unidentified STD) and while that's all well and fine it's true even if you give birth via scheduled c-section, meaning the baby was nowhere near your vagina.
2. I find it a bit funny that everything thinks all hospitals oppose co-sleeping. We had to specially request a bassinet for the fusspot because the birthin.g center part of the hospital strongly endorses co-sleeping and kept telling me that the fusspot would sleep better in bed with me. But I do think (from friend's accounts) that they take it a bit further than "reminding" you not to sleep with the baby and will take the baby to the nursery if you are clearly settling in for the night with baby in arms.
3. Snacks. Please advise. I just packed our hospital bag and I am at a total loss as to what to pack. The bag currently has: 4 chocolate bars, gatorade, a few energy bars, some dried fruit. What else can I pack that doesn't require refrigeration? I don't want to rely on myself to make a stack of lovely sandwiches when I am in labor and rushing out the door, but I really can't figure out what else to pack that doesn't require refrigeration. I also remember being completely famished after having the fusspot. And Ms. J, while I wish that I could rely on my friends ... well, better not to set myself up for disappointment when I am super hormonal anyway. Everyone in this city thinks that they are busier than they actually are.
4. As for probiotics/suppositories/garlic ... I did that. Still positive. Plus, once you test positive in this state even if you then test negative later you are still considered positive for liability reasons.
The good news is that this might all work out, the bad news is that my back-up plan is still to be discharged and leave the bargain baby alone in the hospital for some amount of time.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Well, there goes the whole fantasy of a nice, happy delivery ...
I'm Group Strep B positive. Not a big deal at all. Except, see ... the particular strain I am positive for combined with my other little medical problems mean that the only "full" treatment is a rather rare (and strong and potentially potent for the little guy) drug which needs to be given via IV 2 doses, 12 hours apart.
And if that doesn't happen, the baby will be held for 48 hours in the hospital. Held because of medical liability because the only thing that the nurses will do to monitor the baby during that time is to "look at him" and "take his temperature." Two things which I am quite happy to do at home.
And even if I have a normal delivery in the birthin.g center, we will be transferred to regular L and D. You know, with shared rooms and where husbands are only allowed in during "visiting hours." For 2 nights. And I'm just not ok with that scenario for many reasons, including:
1. No one actually thinks that this type of monitoring saves lives
2. I will be alone, having to take care of myself sans husband in a hospital which doesn't provide food I can eat and certainly won't let me go out and buy my own food. The L and D ward doesn't allow co-sleeping so I will have to get myself up and out of bed everytime that I want to feed the baby. I will also presumably not get all that much sleep since I'll be sharing a room with another newborn.
3. It will be a huge and unnecessary hassle to arrange childcare for the fusspot. If JD starts his 'paternity leave' then we'll lose the chance for him to take it later when it would actually be helpful. So yeah, I'll be trying to hire basically round-the-clock babysitting (sidenote: haven't seen my husband yet this week because he's been getting home around 1:30 am every night. So no, it's not exactly viable to expect him to watch the fusspot, also drop by to "visit" his son and me in the hospital, and not start his leave. He could however call in "sick" for a 24 hour labor, which is what happened with the fusspot).
I had a long meltdown on the phone with the midwives and floated all of the following options:
1. Attempt to de-sensitize me to pen.icillin. This would not only involve a risky in-patient procedure, but also immediate induction.
2. Consider taking said drug (via IV) on a daily basis from 38 or 39 weeks so that technically I would get 2 doses in 12 hours ... except see above for risks to baby. Plus daily visits to the hospital.
So yeah. Not too many viable options. The midwives think that there is practically no chance that I'll have a 12 hour labor (my last labor was shorter, I didn't even notice I was in labor for a good half of it, and that was with a baby who was decidedly in the wrong position until the final 20 minutes). The only option I have been offered is for me to be discharged post-delivery and leave the baby behind. At least that way I could get some help getting up, dealing with the gore, get to see the fusspot, sleep in my own bed ... and cab back and forth to the hospital every 2 hours round-the-clock to try and nurse the bargain baby in a public waiting room. Delicious, eh?
Yeah, a small voice says hop on a plane to my moms and deliver there, but then there's no chance JD would be around ... and then there's the whole exposing the baby to airplane germs at a few days old to get back to NYC.
So I'm doing the only thing I can think of: cancelled all afternoon appointments and curled up in bed crying. I know, I know I'm certain I am overreacting. After all, this is just the normal procedure if I landed up with an emergency c-section, and I certainly wouldn't be upset after that. It's just the idea that I am going to have to take care of myself alone post-partum, JD is going to miss out at least spending the first 2 nights with the baby, the fusspot is going to have an unnecessarily traumatic transition being shuffled between babysitters all for ... liability reasons. I mean, they don't even test for Strep in Lalaland and they have a much higher success rate in keeping both mothers and babies alive through this whole process.
And if that doesn't happen, the baby will be held for 48 hours in the hospital. Held because of medical liability because the only thing that the nurses will do to monitor the baby during that time is to "look at him" and "take his temperature." Two things which I am quite happy to do at home.
And even if I have a normal delivery in the birthin.g center, we will be transferred to regular L and D. You know, with shared rooms and where husbands are only allowed in during "visiting hours." For 2 nights. And I'm just not ok with that scenario for many reasons, including:
1. No one actually thinks that this type of monitoring saves lives
2. I will be alone, having to take care of myself sans husband in a hospital which doesn't provide food I can eat and certainly won't let me go out and buy my own food. The L and D ward doesn't allow co-sleeping so I will have to get myself up and out of bed everytime that I want to feed the baby. I will also presumably not get all that much sleep since I'll be sharing a room with another newborn.
3. It will be a huge and unnecessary hassle to arrange childcare for the fusspot. If JD starts his 'paternity leave' then we'll lose the chance for him to take it later when it would actually be helpful. So yeah, I'll be trying to hire basically round-the-clock babysitting (sidenote: haven't seen my husband yet this week because he's been getting home around 1:30 am every night. So no, it's not exactly viable to expect him to watch the fusspot, also drop by to "visit" his son and me in the hospital, and not start his leave. He could however call in "sick" for a 24 hour labor, which is what happened with the fusspot).
I had a long meltdown on the phone with the midwives and floated all of the following options:
1. Attempt to de-sensitize me to pen.icillin. This would not only involve a risky in-patient procedure, but also immediate induction.
2. Consider taking said drug (via IV) on a daily basis from 38 or 39 weeks so that technically I would get 2 doses in 12 hours ... except see above for risks to baby. Plus daily visits to the hospital.
So yeah. Not too many viable options. The midwives think that there is practically no chance that I'll have a 12 hour labor (my last labor was shorter, I didn't even notice I was in labor for a good half of it, and that was with a baby who was decidedly in the wrong position until the final 20 minutes). The only option I have been offered is for me to be discharged post-delivery and leave the baby behind. At least that way I could get some help getting up, dealing with the gore, get to see the fusspot, sleep in my own bed ... and cab back and forth to the hospital every 2 hours round-the-clock to try and nurse the bargain baby in a public waiting room. Delicious, eh?
Yeah, a small voice says hop on a plane to my moms and deliver there, but then there's no chance JD would be around ... and then there's the whole exposing the baby to airplane germs at a few days old to get back to NYC.
So I'm doing the only thing I can think of: cancelled all afternoon appointments and curled up in bed crying. I know, I know I'm certain I am overreacting. After all, this is just the normal procedure if I landed up with an emergency c-section, and I certainly wouldn't be upset after that. It's just the idea that I am going to have to take care of myself alone post-partum, JD is going to miss out at least spending the first 2 nights with the baby, the fusspot is going to have an unnecessarily traumatic transition being shuffled between babysitters all for ... liability reasons. I mean, they don't even test for Strep in Lalaland and they have a much higher success rate in keeping both mothers and babies alive through this whole process.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A part of that rarefied world
One of my favorite self-reflective bloggers (hi Ms. Bloodsigns!) has been writing a lot about parenting styles and making deliberate choices (and toddlers and stepsons and lots else) and while I do realize that JD and I are part of that super-competitive Ivy League educated East Coast living hyper-critical and over-stressed yuppies raising bilingual children crowd sometimes it takes a laughable instance to show just how out of step we are with the rest of the country.
So, we have no TV. We have no TV because I just don't see us having the self-control not to watch too much TV if we had one, and I also don't think it's realistic to ask a babysitter not to turn on a TV if it's sitting in the living room. JD manages to watch almost everything he wants on his computer, and we live above a bar (aka 'the basement' which JD has been known to run down to visit in his flip flops and pjs) with several large TVs for big sporting events. But the fusspot was sick this week and as you all know I've been a bit lethargic recently (say the past 10 months or so ...) so I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures and this was the perfect opportunity for her first DVD at home. And we live in a building with 4 other 2-year-olds so I sent out an e-mail asking our neighbors if I could borrow a DVD. And the first 3 to write back were fully apologetic ... but they didn't have any childrens videos in their apartments. Luckily #4 did and the fusspot happily settled into a glazed-eye state in front of Barney's Farm while I desperately tried to both cook lunch and do some work.
Oh, and when JD came home on Wednesday night I finally got the belly/toddler shot I've been wanting (25 months, 36 weeks):
But it turns out that 25 months is a bit of an odd place developmentally. I have been trying to relax more, and part of that for me is reading parenting books. My recent late night reads (i.e. past 1 am. Totally laughed when a WAHM complained about staying up till midnight to get her work done. I don't go to bed before 1 am. Ever. Especially not if I want to see my husband for more than 20 minutes a day) include Origins: How the 9 Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of our Lives (so much press about this book, which makes all sorts of claims about the important of pre-natal environment for health and later development. Skip it. It is science dumbed down to nothing. So disappointing) and You are Your Child's First Teacher: What Parents Can do With and for their Children from Birth to Age Six and Adventures in Tandem Nursing (highly, highly recommend it, quite possibly the best breastfeeding book out there even for those who are not going to tandem nurse).
Ok, I'll admit it. I love You are Your Child's First Teacher. It's a delightful mix of developmental stages and suggestions for developmentally-appropriate activities and games and completely kooky Steiner-inspired suggestions (i.e. Waldorf education). For example, it quite seriously suggests painting your nursery green or brown because newborns are still "descending from another world" and those colors will help them become grounded on earth. Of course, because it has such absurd propositions (plus toddlers communing with angels and babies who are sad because they are imitating the sad expressions on their dolls faces ...) it's easy to just skip over the dire advice on how to balance work and parenting ("Quit your job") and the firm pronouncement that men are best seen as financial support services for loving, devoted (presumably large-breasted and barefoot) mothers. What the book does an excellent job of is outlining age-appropriate development and suggesting activities/toys to encourage creative, independent play (all the usual suggestions about no toy boxes and limiting the number of toys and lots of craft activities and natural objects. Oh, how I have been considering this online class about playful learning spaces. JD just mumbles about 4 people in 600 square feet and ignores me :-)).
What I would really like to find is a slightly-less kooky book to give to JD to read. I was raised by very-hippie parents and went to a lab school and can entirely see the benefit of hours spent playing dress-up or huge baskets of blocks and dinosaurs, but I sometimes forget that JD had none of those activities as a child (although he certainly also didn't have a TV and was surrounded by books). This morning we left the fusspot with her grandparents (finally!) and spent a good 4 hours out alone, mostly talking about finances and parenting. And it brought into relief just how little JD knows about age-appropriate development (and also how open he is to my crazy ideas). And while he was rather skeptical of some of my claims about the importance of both physical development and imaginative play (for the record, at just 2 the fusspot loves her dress-up clothes which mostly consist of funny hats and scarves from goodwill at this point, although she doesn't have the imagination to play with them alone. They mostly come out on playdates), having family friends over tonight did a good deal to sell my argument. Last week our neighbors landed up in a snow-related-canceled-school-day-no-childcare dilemma and sent their 5 and 8 year old to our apartment on about an hour's notice (sadly the fusspot was at daycare and missed the big kids). I was busy and tired and did absolutely nothing to prepare and exceedingly little to entertain them, mostly reclining on the couch and offering suggestions. And this sister/brother pair happily played for over an hour with the fusspot's toddler toys. The little girl set up an elaborate wedding party in a castle using blocks and stuffed animals and board books as building material, and the little boy collected things with wheels from the fusspot's shelf and set up a racing course complete with evil-villains and daring jumps. In contrast, my in-laws had some family friends over for dinner tonight. The 5 and 9 year old brother/sister pair played for about a half hour before melting down in a huge fight and settling in front of the TV for the rest of the evening, despite multiple age-appropriate toys being set up for them (board games, books, craft supplies). Needless to say one set of kids have no TV and live in a tiny apartment, while the other set live in a huge house in the suburbs (and thus all playdates are carefully scheduled with an adult along) with a 'home movie theater'-sized TV. Of course, both are charming and well-behaved and this is not meant to be a critique of anyone else's parenting choices, it's just about what I want to do with the fusspot.
Of course, what I also really don't want to do is to put any extra academic pressure on the fusspot. I am truly horrified by the amount of (almost entirely useless) homework that our daycare provider's 5 year old daughter receives every afternoon. I see quite a bit of it because it is just absurd enough that her immigrant mother can't help her with it (i.e. she had to draw a picture of a hedgehog recently. You can live happily in the U.S. for over a decade and get 2 advanced degrees without needing that particular word) and so when I pick the fusspot up I am often asked to look over her homework. In the first place, it is awful that this 5-year-old is not allowed to go outside and play until her homework is done, and that often takes an hour or more of foot-dragging (oh, and she leaves for school at 7:15 am. It's a long day for a 5 year old). The worksheets are boring and repetitive and way too hard for any kid that age to do alone, so they are largely a test of whether there is an involved parent home every afternoon to help. I presumed that this must be a brand new teacher and suggested that Y. go complain to the principal, but she assured me that this classroom is in line with the other ones (the other 5-year old at daycare also has quite a lot of homework but I'm not asked to look over it because his parents do every night). Which is all to say that when I read blogs that are oh-so-proud of starting phonics with their 2-year-olds I sigh and click away. It's tempting, it's an easy way to "prove" my devotion as a mother, it makes for nice boasting, but it's just neither age-appropriate nor beneficial in any way in the long term (trust me, I didn't read until I was 11. And I find myself quite sufficiently literate and educated. And JD didn't even learn the Roman alphabet until middle school ... Of course, that may be why I find the Montessori/Waldorf child-directed learning quite so appealing. The standard Waldorf line is that some children are ready to read at 4 or 5 or 6, but all children within normal developmental bounds should be ready by 7, so what's the rush? Children before age 7 should be busy working on physical development and imaginative play and social skills).
So, any suggestions on good parenting/child development books? Mostly looking for either a good outline of age-appropriate developmental stages or suggestions for toddler/preschool activities. My #1 pick at the moment is still First Art for the toddler set. Although it does leave me dreaming about warm, summer days when we can play outside on the sidewalk ...
Final book review: Adventures in Tandem Nursing. Put simply: I really like this book. It is by far the least judgmental book I have read about breastfeeding. It probably helps a lot that the author herself weaned her toddler, then unweaned her, then worked hard to set very clear limits on nursing which worked for both of them. (Aside: My other favorite breastfeeding book is Nursing Mother, Working Mother because it actually tackles the real challenges of breastfeeding rather than using rose-tinted glasses to paint a picture of non-stop-Rafael-Madonna-style-bliss. It also has a really good chapter on the real benefits of breastfeeding for baby and mother, which I keep trying to get my in-laws to skim ... of course, still a lost cause). Even if tandem nursing is not your issue, I think that sections of Adventures in Tandem Nursing would be a good read. It's in my going-to-doctors-appointments-and-need-light-reading pile so I have been reading it during NSTs and waiting for acupuncture and in the midwife's office and it's interesting to see the reactions. I am still entirely undecided about what I'm going to do, but I'd rather read up now while I have time. The midwife I saw this week suggested letting the fusspot have colostrum because it's kind-of yucky as a way to discourage her from unweaning. The big, famous doctor I saw this week also said not to worry about letting the fusspot jump in to nursing from Day 1, although he's pretty sure that she's going to want to nurse for a good while.
Speaking of big, famous doctors, I saw the one who supervises practically every non-homebirth midwife in NYC last week. He is super-relaxed and poked fun of my bi-weekly NSTs, reassured me that this baby will not be 10 lbs (currently about 6.5 lbs, estimated at delivery 8) and generally pronounced me safe to deliver (despite that .3 margin on my iron levels). But much more importantly when I asked him about my insomnia and 'stomaches' overnight, he concurred that it was almost certainly 'false labor' (new motto: all contractions are productive. all contractions are productive) and quipped that he'd be happy to write me a prescription for ambi.en if I'd like it. I asked about the slightly-more-natural alternative, and he totally ok'd a glass of red wine before bed every night. So at least there's that.
So, we have no TV. We have no TV because I just don't see us having the self-control not to watch too much TV if we had one, and I also don't think it's realistic to ask a babysitter not to turn on a TV if it's sitting in the living room. JD manages to watch almost everything he wants on his computer, and we live above a bar (aka 'the basement' which JD has been known to run down to visit in his flip flops and pjs) with several large TVs for big sporting events. But the fusspot was sick this week and as you all know I've been a bit lethargic recently (say the past 10 months or so ...) so I decided that desperate times call for desperate measures and this was the perfect opportunity for her first DVD at home. And we live in a building with 4 other 2-year-olds so I sent out an e-mail asking our neighbors if I could borrow a DVD. And the first 3 to write back were fully apologetic ... but they didn't have any childrens videos in their apartments. Luckily #4 did and the fusspot happily settled into a glazed-eye state in front of Barney's Farm while I desperately tried to both cook lunch and do some work.
Oh, and when JD came home on Wednesday night I finally got the belly/toddler shot I've been wanting (25 months, 36 weeks):
But it turns out that 25 months is a bit of an odd place developmentally. I have been trying to relax more, and part of that for me is reading parenting books. My recent late night reads (i.e. past 1 am. Totally laughed when a WAHM complained about staying up till midnight to get her work done. I don't go to bed before 1 am. Ever. Especially not if I want to see my husband for more than 20 minutes a day) include Origins: How the 9 Months Before Birth Shape the Rest of our Lives (so much press about this book, which makes all sorts of claims about the important of pre-natal environment for health and later development. Skip it. It is science dumbed down to nothing. So disappointing) and You are Your Child's First Teacher: What Parents Can do With and for their Children from Birth to Age Six and Adventures in Tandem Nursing (highly, highly recommend it, quite possibly the best breastfeeding book out there even for those who are not going to tandem nurse).
Ok, I'll admit it. I love You are Your Child's First Teacher. It's a delightful mix of developmental stages and suggestions for developmentally-appropriate activities and games and completely kooky Steiner-inspired suggestions (i.e. Waldorf education). For example, it quite seriously suggests painting your nursery green or brown because newborns are still "descending from another world" and those colors will help them become grounded on earth. Of course, because it has such absurd propositions (plus toddlers communing with angels and babies who are sad because they are imitating the sad expressions on their dolls faces ...) it's easy to just skip over the dire advice on how to balance work and parenting ("Quit your job") and the firm pronouncement that men are best seen as financial support services for loving, devoted (presumably large-breasted and barefoot) mothers. What the book does an excellent job of is outlining age-appropriate development and suggesting activities/toys to encourage creative, independent play (all the usual suggestions about no toy boxes and limiting the number of toys and lots of craft activities and natural objects. Oh, how I have been considering this online class about playful learning spaces. JD just mumbles about 4 people in 600 square feet and ignores me :-)).
What I would really like to find is a slightly-less kooky book to give to JD to read. I was raised by very-hippie parents and went to a lab school and can entirely see the benefit of hours spent playing dress-up or huge baskets of blocks and dinosaurs, but I sometimes forget that JD had none of those activities as a child (although he certainly also didn't have a TV and was surrounded by books). This morning we left the fusspot with her grandparents (finally!) and spent a good 4 hours out alone, mostly talking about finances and parenting. And it brought into relief just how little JD knows about age-appropriate development (and also how open he is to my crazy ideas). And while he was rather skeptical of some of my claims about the importance of both physical development and imaginative play (for the record, at just 2 the fusspot loves her dress-up clothes which mostly consist of funny hats and scarves from goodwill at this point, although she doesn't have the imagination to play with them alone. They mostly come out on playdates), having family friends over tonight did a good deal to sell my argument. Last week our neighbors landed up in a snow-related-canceled-school-day-no-childcare dilemma and sent their 5 and 8 year old to our apartment on about an hour's notice (sadly the fusspot was at daycare and missed the big kids). I was busy and tired and did absolutely nothing to prepare and exceedingly little to entertain them, mostly reclining on the couch and offering suggestions. And this sister/brother pair happily played for over an hour with the fusspot's toddler toys. The little girl set up an elaborate wedding party in a castle using blocks and stuffed animals and board books as building material, and the little boy collected things with wheels from the fusspot's shelf and set up a racing course complete with evil-villains and daring jumps. In contrast, my in-laws had some family friends over for dinner tonight. The 5 and 9 year old brother/sister pair played for about a half hour before melting down in a huge fight and settling in front of the TV for the rest of the evening, despite multiple age-appropriate toys being set up for them (board games, books, craft supplies). Needless to say one set of kids have no TV and live in a tiny apartment, while the other set live in a huge house in the suburbs (and thus all playdates are carefully scheduled with an adult along) with a 'home movie theater'-sized TV. Of course, both are charming and well-behaved and this is not meant to be a critique of anyone else's parenting choices, it's just about what I want to do with the fusspot.
Of course, what I also really don't want to do is to put any extra academic pressure on the fusspot. I am truly horrified by the amount of (almost entirely useless) homework that our daycare provider's 5 year old daughter receives every afternoon. I see quite a bit of it because it is just absurd enough that her immigrant mother can't help her with it (i.e. she had to draw a picture of a hedgehog recently. You can live happily in the U.S. for over a decade and get 2 advanced degrees without needing that particular word) and so when I pick the fusspot up I am often asked to look over her homework. In the first place, it is awful that this 5-year-old is not allowed to go outside and play until her homework is done, and that often takes an hour or more of foot-dragging (oh, and she leaves for school at 7:15 am. It's a long day for a 5 year old). The worksheets are boring and repetitive and way too hard for any kid that age to do alone, so they are largely a test of whether there is an involved parent home every afternoon to help. I presumed that this must be a brand new teacher and suggested that Y. go complain to the principal, but she assured me that this classroom is in line with the other ones (the other 5-year old at daycare also has quite a lot of homework but I'm not asked to look over it because his parents do every night). Which is all to say that when I read blogs that are oh-so-proud of starting phonics with their 2-year-olds I sigh and click away. It's tempting, it's an easy way to "prove" my devotion as a mother, it makes for nice boasting, but it's just neither age-appropriate nor beneficial in any way in the long term (trust me, I didn't read until I was 11. And I find myself quite sufficiently literate and educated. And JD didn't even learn the Roman alphabet until middle school ... Of course, that may be why I find the Montessori/Waldorf child-directed learning quite so appealing. The standard Waldorf line is that some children are ready to read at 4 or 5 or 6, but all children within normal developmental bounds should be ready by 7, so what's the rush? Children before age 7 should be busy working on physical development and imaginative play and social skills).
So, any suggestions on good parenting/child development books? Mostly looking for either a good outline of age-appropriate developmental stages or suggestions for toddler/preschool activities. My #1 pick at the moment is still First Art for the toddler set. Although it does leave me dreaming about warm, summer days when we can play outside on the sidewalk ...
Final book review: Adventures in Tandem Nursing. Put simply: I really like this book. It is by far the least judgmental book I have read about breastfeeding. It probably helps a lot that the author herself weaned her toddler, then unweaned her, then worked hard to set very clear limits on nursing which worked for both of them. (Aside: My other favorite breastfeeding book is Nursing Mother, Working Mother because it actually tackles the real challenges of breastfeeding rather than using rose-tinted glasses to paint a picture of non-stop-Rafael-Madonna-style-bliss. It also has a really good chapter on the real benefits of breastfeeding for baby and mother, which I keep trying to get my in-laws to skim ... of course, still a lost cause). Even if tandem nursing is not your issue, I think that sections of Adventures in Tandem Nursing would be a good read. It's in my going-to-doctors-appointments-and-need-light-reading pile so I have been reading it during NSTs and waiting for acupuncture and in the midwife's office and it's interesting to see the reactions. I am still entirely undecided about what I'm going to do, but I'd rather read up now while I have time. The midwife I saw this week suggested letting the fusspot have colostrum because it's kind-of yucky as a way to discourage her from unweaning. The big, famous doctor I saw this week also said not to worry about letting the fusspot jump in to nursing from Day 1, although he's pretty sure that she's going to want to nurse for a good while.
Speaking of big, famous doctors, I saw the one who supervises practically every non-homebirth midwife in NYC last week. He is super-relaxed and poked fun of my bi-weekly NSTs, reassured me that this baby will not be 10 lbs (currently about 6.5 lbs, estimated at delivery 8) and generally pronounced me safe to deliver (despite that .3 margin on my iron levels). But much more importantly when I asked him about my insomnia and 'stomaches' overnight, he concurred that it was almost certainly 'false labor' (new motto: all contractions are productive. all contractions are productive) and quipped that he'd be happy to write me a prescription for ambi.en if I'd like it. I asked about the slightly-more-natural alternative, and he totally ok'd a glass of red wine before bed every night. So at least there's that.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Called that one
Have been out of commission for a couple of days due to the fusspot's illness. There were nice aspects: the long naps together on the couch (and rather funny to watch a 25 lb toddler try to make herself comfortable around 36 weeks of bump), a few selectively canceled appointments that I was none too loathe to miss, as well as some most unexpected frustrations including the fusspot choosing my one afternoon nap time yesterday as the time to 'explore' the contents of her diaper and just maybe smear them on her face, the crib, the walls ... beats me why. Also my husband managing to spill either motrin or tylenol on every piece of furniture we own. Also beats me why.
Of course, for all that I have been trying to stay "in the moment" and just get over the inconvenience of a minor virus which seems to not have escalated to anything too drastic (we did visit the pediatrician and may do so again tomorrow) it certainly doesn't help my stress level and the list of must-finish-pre-baby-or-miss-my-luxurious-two-weeks-sans-work-post-partum. So here's to hoping that she is much recovered in the morning.
Of course, for all that I have been trying to stay "in the moment" and just get over the inconvenience of a minor virus which seems to not have escalated to anything too drastic (we did visit the pediatrician and may do so again tomorrow) it certainly doesn't help my stress level and the list of must-finish-pre-baby-or-miss-my-luxurious-two-weeks-sans-work-post-partum. So here's to hoping that she is much recovered in the morning.
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