Well, 8 lbs weight gain in 2 weeks should have been a red flag, but I also failed my 2nd GTT. By a lot.
Did I mention I'm leaving on an 8 am flight tomorrow for a wedding, then Rosh Hashanah, then another wedding in a different state? So my 3-hour GTT is being called in to a lab I've never been to and hopefully we can get it done on Monday morning before the holiday starts. And then hopefully I can acquire insulin, blood tests, etc. between the end of Rosh Hashanah and leaving for my little brother's wedding, all while away from home. Should be a relaxing chag.
Any suggestions on what to eat between now and then? I am exercising at least once a day (usually a walk at this point for an hour). I have already given up simple carbs and juices, but I guess I'll have to cut out my once a week ice cream as well. I am very limited when I eat out because I do not eat any meat products out, but of course we'll be traveling for the next 10 days. Other suggestions on things that would actually be good for me to eat? I guess I'm going back to the hard-boiled egg diet for a while, at least until they get me the equipment to monitor my blood sugar levels.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Uh oh - carseat question
I just opened the Babytrend carseat my sister purchased for us (let me add - I delegated choosing a carseat to JD, and this is the one he picked. I presume he did his research, but don't ask me why we picked this one). We already have a used BabyTrend stroller base and a 2nd carseat base on the way, so I really don't want to return this one but ... it has the nastiest, grossest feeling cover over the plastic base. Nothing even close to cloth - it feels like a bathmat maybe, or some very, very plasticy surface. I have never before seen a carseat like this, and I have handled a lot of infant carseats at this point. Not at all cozy or inviting. Is it possible to buy a replacement carseat cover? Will that affect it's safety at all? And where do I find one (I couldn't on Amazon, where we found the carseat). Thanks!
Building good will (advice solicited below)
I have been pestering my few friends in NYC who have children with questions for months, so I realized last week that I really need to work on building good will. I don't just want to be that newbie mom who asks a million questions but doesn't offer to help.
So, midday today I took a break from work and helped my friend negotiate the NYC subway system to get her 3 month old daughter to JFK airport. Sounds crazy, huh? I'm sure it's a dilemma I'll face in the future, especially given our travel schedules. My friend didn't want to take a cab because then she would have to lug around a carseat with her for the entire trip, including checking it out on the airplane, even though her family has a carseat already installed in their car to pick her up in CA. So even though a cab would have been faster and easier, she had to drag her baby, stroller and suitcase through the subway system. And no, none of the 3 subway entrances near us are wheelchair accessible. Nor was the first transfer.
Tomorrow I am babysitting for another friend so she can go out for a drink. This even after I nearly starved her baby last week by spilling a bag of breastmilk (great friend, huh?) But apparently all is forgiven, or she's just really desperate to get out. And honestly, I've been watching her older daughter for four years now.
I have already been rewarded with a bag of newborn clothes and the loan of a much-coveted power drill (friend 1) and a bag of maternity clothes (friend 2).
So here's the night's dilemma: I have a number of regular babysitting jobs in the city, all of families I adore (I can be picky at this point) and almost all of whom know each other. 2 of the little girls were even flower girls in my wedding. But I haven't seen any of them in the past 3 months and I haven't told them about our little secret. I'm really nervous about bumping into them on the street, and I do really want to tell them, but I feel a bit awkward. It's not that these are judgemental women, it's just that they are all career women with nannies and me to help out when they have to go out in the evenings and weekends (please don't read any criticism into this description - my long-time readers will know this is a lifestyle I definitely aspire to if it were a financial option for us). And both of the two I am closest to told me before my wedding 'not to rush the baby thing.' They obviously know I love kids. One explained that we'd need time together as a couple before we started our family, especially given that we've been commuting. The other told me to make sure I get my career in place before having kids. This of course was long after we'd started IF treatments, and at least one of the two did IF treatments for baby #2. So I think I should e-mail them so that they have time to temper their reactions, but I'm just not sure what to say. I also feel completely dishonest passing this pregnancy off as a 'surprise' (believe me, we were surprised) largely because most people read that as an 'oops' and let's be honest, at age 27 with 2 college degrees and 2 post-grad degrees between us, I just don't think it's flattering to claim that JD and I don't know how babies are (supposed to be/sometimes/for the lucky) made. And someday I want these women to be able to be supportive when we start IF treatments again, but that of course requires my honesty. So how do I politely tell them that I still want us to be close but I somehow failed to mention my bump until I was safely in the third trimester?
Thoughts?
So, midday today I took a break from work and helped my friend negotiate the NYC subway system to get her 3 month old daughter to JFK airport. Sounds crazy, huh? I'm sure it's a dilemma I'll face in the future, especially given our travel schedules. My friend didn't want to take a cab because then she would have to lug around a carseat with her for the entire trip, including checking it out on the airplane, even though her family has a carseat already installed in their car to pick her up in CA. So even though a cab would have been faster and easier, she had to drag her baby, stroller and suitcase through the subway system. And no, none of the 3 subway entrances near us are wheelchair accessible. Nor was the first transfer.
Tomorrow I am babysitting for another friend so she can go out for a drink. This even after I nearly starved her baby last week by spilling a bag of breastmilk (great friend, huh?) But apparently all is forgiven, or she's just really desperate to get out. And honestly, I've been watching her older daughter for four years now.
I have already been rewarded with a bag of newborn clothes and the loan of a much-coveted power drill (friend 1) and a bag of maternity clothes (friend 2).
So here's the night's dilemma: I have a number of regular babysitting jobs in the city, all of families I adore (I can be picky at this point) and almost all of whom know each other. 2 of the little girls were even flower girls in my wedding. But I haven't seen any of them in the past 3 months and I haven't told them about our little secret. I'm really nervous about bumping into them on the street, and I do really want to tell them, but I feel a bit awkward. It's not that these are judgemental women, it's just that they are all career women with nannies and me to help out when they have to go out in the evenings and weekends (please don't read any criticism into this description - my long-time readers will know this is a lifestyle I definitely aspire to if it were a financial option for us). And both of the two I am closest to told me before my wedding 'not to rush the baby thing.' They obviously know I love kids. One explained that we'd need time together as a couple before we started our family, especially given that we've been commuting. The other told me to make sure I get my career in place before having kids. This of course was long after we'd started IF treatments, and at least one of the two did IF treatments for baby #2. So I think I should e-mail them so that they have time to temper their reactions, but I'm just not sure what to say. I also feel completely dishonest passing this pregnancy off as a 'surprise' (believe me, we were surprised) largely because most people read that as an 'oops' and let's be honest, at age 27 with 2 college degrees and 2 post-grad degrees between us, I just don't think it's flattering to claim that JD and I don't know how babies are (supposed to be/sometimes/for the lucky) made. And someday I want these women to be able to be supportive when we start IF treatments again, but that of course requires my honesty. So how do I politely tell them that I still want us to be close but I somehow failed to mention my bump until I was safely in the third trimester?
Thoughts?
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
tonight
My midwife appointment was fine. She answered most of my questions. I seem to have gained 8 lbs in the past 2 weeks, although I really don't feel any bigger. And my guess is that I've been eating less than normal. So beats me. I should get the GTT results by Monday.
I was way too tired to do any schoolwork tonight, so I decided to finally wash the few baby items we've received already. I thought it might be relaxing.
Well, who should show up to chat while I'm in the laundry room but the doorman? Did I mention that JD and I were at his parent's yesterday night? For which I am very, very grateful. I do wish that I could be more eloquent at times like these, and I really have the deepest sympathy for the man and his family, but I have to admit that my first thought was relief that we were gone. Seems like one of our upstairs neighbors jumped from his window. And landed somewhere right about outside our bedroom window, since we live on the first floor. I'd never talked to this man, but seems like it was a suicide by all appearances. The police said they would issue a report tomorrow, which also means they're not too suspicious. So much for the relaxing activity of calmly folding baby clothes. Instead, I have since scrubbed the entire floor of the apartment. On my hands and knees. Much lower expectations than putting away little people clothing, and I could feel like I did something productive tonight even while my brain was too tired to function and the rest of me was too numb to even read a magazine.
I was way too tired to do any schoolwork tonight, so I decided to finally wash the few baby items we've received already. I thought it might be relaxing.
Well, who should show up to chat while I'm in the laundry room but the doorman? Did I mention that JD and I were at his parent's yesterday night? For which I am very, very grateful. I do wish that I could be more eloquent at times like these, and I really have the deepest sympathy for the man and his family, but I have to admit that my first thought was relief that we were gone. Seems like one of our upstairs neighbors jumped from his window. And landed somewhere right about outside our bedroom window, since we live on the first floor. I'd never talked to this man, but seems like it was a suicide by all appearances. The police said they would issue a report tomorrow, which also means they're not too suspicious. So much for the relaxing activity of calmly folding baby clothes. Instead, I have since scrubbed the entire floor of the apartment. On my hands and knees. Much lower expectations than putting away little people clothing, and I could feel like I did something productive tonight even while my brain was too tired to function and the rest of me was too numb to even read a magazine.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Tomorrow
I have another midwife appointment. So I wanted to jot down a few things beforehand. This will be my second GTT during this pregnancy, and hopefully they will just be a monthly test from now on out. But, I'm realizing now that I'm in the 3rd trimester that it's absurd that I have yet to talk to my midwife whatsoever about that huge elephant in the room: um, labor.
Now, I know, if I were a normal relaxed woman I would be totally clueless until we finished our 20+ hours of childbirth classes (really - 19 hours of natural childbirth, breastfeeding and newborn care we pay for, 4 hours required by the gold-plated birthing center I probably won't qualify for, and a one hour hospital tour. That's at least 6 visits to midtown for us in the next 6 weeks ...). But, I don't think it's absurd to start talking to her about it. And what I really want to know is what happens if I need to be induced - will she even do that? at what point? do I have a choice of different methods? What happens if the baby is breech? Is there any reason they would schedule me for an ultrasound?
In addition to the GTT, I need another round of testing for anemia (to my great annoyance my midwife took me off the iron supplements my ob/gyn had put me on - my understanding was that I'm normally slightly anemic, almost everyone gets anemic in the 3rd trimester, and there's no serious downside to light supplementation, but she didn't exactly see it that way). A few other blood tests, discussion of my flu shot for Wednesday, and what in the world I should think about the rather sporadic movement I feel (every 2-3 days usually), and I think I'll be pretty content.
And, on an entirely unrelated subject, I need a bit of a thicker skin. See, JD's parents don't speak English at home. Usually I don't mind - it'll be great for the baby, and I enjoy the time to think during dinner, etc. when they sit talking. However, it has come to my attention in the past 2 days that they think I am really, really uptight and obsessive about this pregnancy and now I'm starting to be a bit paranoid about whether they're talking about me.. Little things like worrying about listeria, refusing to eat tuna, and not using certain cleaning products have alterted them to my obsessiveness.
It all came to a bit of a head because they asked us what we'd like off of our registry. There were at the time exactly 4 items* at or over $100 - and we have 3 sets of parents and 1 sister between us, so that seemed like a perfect opportunity to ask them to purchase one of those items. The item I asked them to get was the crib mattress. We bought a used mini-crib down South and it's hard to find mattresses and sheets for it. I had registered for a regular mattress, but it has coils (not nice) and I realized last week that the all-organic mattress was only $30 more expensive. I really have no idea if it makes a difference to have an organic mattress (and I can't seem to find any reliable articles online), but for $30 it seemed like a worthwhile investment. Well, JD's mother gave me a long lecture on exaclty why there was no danger from a non-organic mattress and I was being silly.
She also told me the carseat I purchased was too heavy (we got a totally normal one, rated highly by consumer reports) and that I definitely shouldn't plan on bringing it abroad with us. Right. I'm just going to hold onto my 5 month old baby as we careen about rural China.
I really shouldn't complain - they are incredibly loving, so excited about the baby, and obviously geniunely worried about my obsessiveness. But what I really didn't want was to have to leave them explicit directions and rules when they watch the baby, or even to have to think about it. They raised a wonderful son, and they clearly adore children. So I'm working on overlooking the little things (doesn't help that JD mentioned that they left him home alone at 2 years old while his mom went to work. Yup, all day except for her lunch break. Age 2.) But for now I'm trying to avoid all subjects related to natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and food/organic/chemicals.
* For the record, I don't think those 4 items are unreasonable: 1 car seat, 1 fancy-schmancy wooden highchair that converts to a regular kid's chair, 1 breastpump, and 1 crib mattress. Everything else has been purchased used, except for the light-blocking curtains I ordered last week.
Now, I know, if I were a normal relaxed woman I would be totally clueless until we finished our 20+ hours of childbirth classes (really - 19 hours of natural childbirth, breastfeeding and newborn care we pay for, 4 hours required by the gold-plated birthing center I probably won't qualify for, and a one hour hospital tour. That's at least 6 visits to midtown for us in the next 6 weeks ...). But, I don't think it's absurd to start talking to her about it. And what I really want to know is what happens if I need to be induced - will she even do that? at what point? do I have a choice of different methods? What happens if the baby is breech? Is there any reason they would schedule me for an ultrasound?
In addition to the GTT, I need another round of testing for anemia (to my great annoyance my midwife took me off the iron supplements my ob/gyn had put me on - my understanding was that I'm normally slightly anemic, almost everyone gets anemic in the 3rd trimester, and there's no serious downside to light supplementation, but she didn't exactly see it that way). A few other blood tests, discussion of my flu shot for Wednesday, and what in the world I should think about the rather sporadic movement I feel (every 2-3 days usually), and I think I'll be pretty content.
And, on an entirely unrelated subject, I need a bit of a thicker skin. See, JD's parents don't speak English at home. Usually I don't mind - it'll be great for the baby, and I enjoy the time to think during dinner, etc. when they sit talking. However, it has come to my attention in the past 2 days that they think I am really, really uptight and obsessive about this pregnancy and now I'm starting to be a bit paranoid about whether they're talking about me.. Little things like worrying about listeria, refusing to eat tuna, and not using certain cleaning products have alterted them to my obsessiveness.
It all came to a bit of a head because they asked us what we'd like off of our registry. There were at the time exactly 4 items* at or over $100 - and we have 3 sets of parents and 1 sister between us, so that seemed like a perfect opportunity to ask them to purchase one of those items. The item I asked them to get was the crib mattress. We bought a used mini-crib down South and it's hard to find mattresses and sheets for it. I had registered for a regular mattress, but it has coils (not nice) and I realized last week that the all-organic mattress was only $30 more expensive. I really have no idea if it makes a difference to have an organic mattress (and I can't seem to find any reliable articles online), but for $30 it seemed like a worthwhile investment. Well, JD's mother gave me a long lecture on exaclty why there was no danger from a non-organic mattress and I was being silly.
She also told me the carseat I purchased was too heavy (we got a totally normal one, rated highly by consumer reports) and that I definitely shouldn't plan on bringing it abroad with us. Right. I'm just going to hold onto my 5 month old baby as we careen about rural China.
I really shouldn't complain - they are incredibly loving, so excited about the baby, and obviously geniunely worried about my obsessiveness. But what I really didn't want was to have to leave them explicit directions and rules when they watch the baby, or even to have to think about it. They raised a wonderful son, and they clearly adore children. So I'm working on overlooking the little things (doesn't help that JD mentioned that they left him home alone at 2 years old while his mom went to work. Yup, all day except for her lunch break. Age 2.) But for now I'm trying to avoid all subjects related to natural childbirth, breastfeeding, and food/organic/chemicals.
* For the record, I don't think those 4 items are unreasonable: 1 car seat, 1 fancy-schmancy wooden highchair that converts to a regular kid's chair, 1 breastpump, and 1 crib mattress. Everything else has been purchased used, except for the light-blocking curtains I ordered last week.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Small miracles
I am feeling much, much better. It was a rough week, including a major blow up with poor JD yesterday night. Depression sucks. But the fight was worked out this afternoon.
And sometimes I do need something really awful to put things in perspective. Like the e-mail in my inbox tonight. RE: the severe food poisoning that a number of people suffered at the conference last weekend. I did feel like the diva all weekend, who insisted they check that every piece of cheese was pasteurized, requested a salad with no goat cheese, and then asked for an alternative to the chocolate mousse dessert, even though it looked fabulous. And I am so incredibly glad I did, and I really hope that the other pregnant woman at the conference also had the confidence to be quite as demanding. I wish there were a way I could check on her, but I don't think it's appropriate given the grad student-professor relationship. And I'm glad I stomped my foot at lunch today and told them that I needed a kosher vegan lunch (all the vegetarian options had soft cheese in them, and nobody in sight to talk about what type of cheese). Less than 3 months to go and the baby moved for the first time in 4 days today. Of course, just two very quick kicks and then back to utter stillness.
I will try to post more next week.
And sometimes I do need something really awful to put things in perspective. Like the e-mail in my inbox tonight. RE: the severe food poisoning that a number of people suffered at the conference last weekend. I did feel like the diva all weekend, who insisted they check that every piece of cheese was pasteurized, requested a salad with no goat cheese, and then asked for an alternative to the chocolate mousse dessert, even though it looked fabulous. And I am so incredibly glad I did, and I really hope that the other pregnant woman at the conference also had the confidence to be quite as demanding. I wish there were a way I could check on her, but I don't think it's appropriate given the grad student-professor relationship. And I'm glad I stomped my foot at lunch today and told them that I needed a kosher vegan lunch (all the vegetarian options had soft cheese in them, and nobody in sight to talk about what type of cheese). Less than 3 months to go and the baby moved for the first time in 4 days today. Of course, just two very quick kicks and then back to utter stillness.
I will try to post more next week.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
In holding pattern
I wish I could write and say everything was better. But it's 5 am, so I guess that wouldn't be so accurate. The stress is still there, although I did get a lot of support over the weekend and some of the school issues might be getting worked out ...
I don't know if it's stress, or if the whole easy-pregnancy thing had to come to an end sooner rather than later, but 2 days into the 3rd trimester I still feel miserable:
- I had been getting leg cramps for a while, but now they've moved around my body and they're really rather painful and also make it impossible to even consider exercising
- I can't possibly sleep through the night. I went in less than a week from sleeping 8 hours straight, to having to get up to pee at least 2-3 times
- I also can't sleep between the hours of 5 and 6 am
- Lots of indigestion, and I had a 4-5 day period when I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for more than an hour. I will call my GI doctor sometime this week, but he's not going to be pleased.
- I'm perpetually hungry, but can't seem to get it together to find healthy food. And since I'm getting close to the 'ideal' total weight gain and was told to slow down my weight gain, I'm obsessing more than is productive (just to assure you this is entirely in my head, I'm only up 17 lbs at 26 weeks from my 'artificial starting place' and my goal is to stay under 30, so nobody but me is worried)
- Since I'm on to paranoias already, rather than physical problems, I'm really starting to worry about partum depression. It affects something like 10% of women, and can be a warning signal for post-partum depression and obviously problems bonding with the baby. I haven't written about it here, but I went though an episode of severe depression in the past and there's a long family history ... of course, not much to be done at this point. I doubt I could even make a counseling appointment in the next 3 months that would be covered by my insurance, and I really don't do that well with counseling. I will certainly consider meds, but not until the situation gets much worse and not unless I am fully supervised. So for now I'll just worry about it, as will JD I'm sure.
- Now that I have felt movement 3 times, it's quite clear to me that I am not feeling any movement on some days. Like yesterday. After eating out and a really bad stomach ache. Which of course is making me paranoid. Had I realized that I would still want/need a doppler in the third trimester, I definitely would have rented one.
- I'm just grumpy. Pretty much non-stop. Even to people I haven't seen since before I got pregnant who are offering me very sweet congratulations. I have started picking on the slightest thing, like the friend who ran into me on campus and immediately asked 'When's your due date?' ( a question I'm a bit touchy about, but clearly a sweet, well-intentioned one that could have been the start to a nice conversation had I not basically just walked away ...)
- Oh, and one thing that became abundantly apparent in the last week: daycare is going to be an issue. This spring I just need 20 or so hours a week of babysitting, and given my totally flexible schedule, I think that should be feasible. But, come June I need daycare in Europe. And the probability of that working out is not so high. In the particular place I will be living, they prioritize all sorts of employees before random, American students. So I need to somehow get a list of 20 or so daycares in the city I think we will be living in, and then send each of them an application form (obviously not in English). And I probably need to do the same thing for NYC for daycare starting around Jan. 1st, 2010, even though our ideal situation would be a last-minute arrangement to share a Chinese-speaking nanny part-time with someone.
- It really looks like I am going to be all alone with this baby whenever she arrives, at least for the first month before I start commuting 4 hours to another city midweek and will then at least get the wonderful support of my aunties. It's like I can see the crevice looming, and I just can't figure out how to leap over (between the cost of my mother visiting NYC right around Christmastime, my MIL's insistence that she wants me to come stay at her house but no offer to come help here, JD's colleagues who keep reminding me he will be working at least 60-70 hours a week and really too busy to help, and friends who just haven't come through ...)
I really hope that next time I post it will be full of funny stories and glad tidings that I have returned to my normal energy level. Otherwise, I really have no idea how I'm going to finish everything before December.
Of course, there were a few funny/awkward moments over the weekend. I was at a big academic conference with a lot of people I know quite well in my field (who in the world thinks up conferences that start before 7 am and end after 11 pm?). Many of them know I got a big grant to spend the year doing research in Europe, and several were people I had seen this past spring in Europe. Well ...
The first person I bump into who I hadn't seen since March is a very, sweet elderly professor. He offers me a big congratulations, starts talking, and somehow manages to state within the first 2 minutes of our conversation that he noticed the bump because 'he finds pregnant women so sexy.' This clearly could have been creepy or awkward, but watching this esteemed, elderly man basically wilt and try to fade into the wall was hysterical. He of course apologized, tried to explain that the statement was meant in the abstract, tried to talk his way out of it, and then just collapsed in embarassment.
But far more entertaining were the many male professors who asked why I was back in NYC. [Side note: having not had time to go shopping for conference clothing, I was wearing my normal collection of tight t-shirts and skirts. My bump is quite noticeable at this point]. I just didn't know what to say. Um, there's a huge looming bump between us ... are you blind? I mean really, they expressed immense surprise when I told them I was pregnant. I guess some guys really are that oblivious.
Oh, and I drove my friend R. and her 2 month old daughter up to the conference so I got a full practice run on installing a car seat into JD's parent's car and bringing a stroller to a conference and changing diapers without a changing table in a public restroom. Fabulous way to cover up your own bump is to carry a beautiful, happy 2 month old around ...
Now that it's reached 6 am I'm going to try and go back to sleep.
* And yes, I of course realize that I am incredibly lucky that all seems to be well with our very, very quiet, still baby. And honestly, with my health in the big picture. And we'll sort the finances out at some point. I just kept hoping that I would get to really enjoy this pregnancy at some point, and I'm not sure it's going to happen. But what matters is clearly what happens afterwards.
I don't know if it's stress, or if the whole easy-pregnancy thing had to come to an end sooner rather than later, but 2 days into the 3rd trimester I still feel miserable:
- I had been getting leg cramps for a while, but now they've moved around my body and they're really rather painful and also make it impossible to even consider exercising
- I can't possibly sleep through the night. I went in less than a week from sleeping 8 hours straight, to having to get up to pee at least 2-3 times
- I also can't sleep between the hours of 5 and 6 am
- Lots of indigestion, and I had a 4-5 day period when I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for more than an hour. I will call my GI doctor sometime this week, but he's not going to be pleased.
- I'm perpetually hungry, but can't seem to get it together to find healthy food. And since I'm getting close to the 'ideal' total weight gain and was told to slow down my weight gain, I'm obsessing more than is productive (just to assure you this is entirely in my head, I'm only up 17 lbs at 26 weeks from my 'artificial starting place' and my goal is to stay under 30, so nobody but me is worried)
- Since I'm on to paranoias already, rather than physical problems, I'm really starting to worry about partum depression. It affects something like 10% of women, and can be a warning signal for post-partum depression and obviously problems bonding with the baby. I haven't written about it here, but I went though an episode of severe depression in the past and there's a long family history ... of course, not much to be done at this point. I doubt I could even make a counseling appointment in the next 3 months that would be covered by my insurance, and I really don't do that well with counseling. I will certainly consider meds, but not until the situation gets much worse and not unless I am fully supervised. So for now I'll just worry about it, as will JD I'm sure.
- Now that I have felt movement 3 times, it's quite clear to me that I am not feeling any movement on some days. Like yesterday. After eating out and a really bad stomach ache. Which of course is making me paranoid. Had I realized that I would still want/need a doppler in the third trimester, I definitely would have rented one.
- I'm just grumpy. Pretty much non-stop. Even to people I haven't seen since before I got pregnant who are offering me very sweet congratulations. I have started picking on the slightest thing, like the friend who ran into me on campus and immediately asked 'When's your due date?' ( a question I'm a bit touchy about, but clearly a sweet, well-intentioned one that could have been the start to a nice conversation had I not basically just walked away ...)
- Oh, and one thing that became abundantly apparent in the last week: daycare is going to be an issue. This spring I just need 20 or so hours a week of babysitting, and given my totally flexible schedule, I think that should be feasible. But, come June I need daycare in Europe. And the probability of that working out is not so high. In the particular place I will be living, they prioritize all sorts of employees before random, American students. So I need to somehow get a list of 20 or so daycares in the city I think we will be living in, and then send each of them an application form (obviously not in English). And I probably need to do the same thing for NYC for daycare starting around Jan. 1st, 2010, even though our ideal situation would be a last-minute arrangement to share a Chinese-speaking nanny part-time with someone.
- It really looks like I am going to be all alone with this baby whenever she arrives, at least for the first month before I start commuting 4 hours to another city midweek and will then at least get the wonderful support of my aunties. It's like I can see the crevice looming, and I just can't figure out how to leap over (between the cost of my mother visiting NYC right around Christmastime, my MIL's insistence that she wants me to come stay at her house but no offer to come help here, JD's colleagues who keep reminding me he will be working at least 60-70 hours a week and really too busy to help, and friends who just haven't come through ...)
I really hope that next time I post it will be full of funny stories and glad tidings that I have returned to my normal energy level. Otherwise, I really have no idea how I'm going to finish everything before December.
Of course, there were a few funny/awkward moments over the weekend. I was at a big academic conference with a lot of people I know quite well in my field (who in the world thinks up conferences that start before 7 am and end after 11 pm?). Many of them know I got a big grant to spend the year doing research in Europe, and several were people I had seen this past spring in Europe. Well ...
The first person I bump into who I hadn't seen since March is a very, sweet elderly professor. He offers me a big congratulations, starts talking, and somehow manages to state within the first 2 minutes of our conversation that he noticed the bump because 'he finds pregnant women so sexy.' This clearly could have been creepy or awkward, but watching this esteemed, elderly man basically wilt and try to fade into the wall was hysterical. He of course apologized, tried to explain that the statement was meant in the abstract, tried to talk his way out of it, and then just collapsed in embarassment.
But far more entertaining were the many male professors who asked why I was back in NYC. [Side note: having not had time to go shopping for conference clothing, I was wearing my normal collection of tight t-shirts and skirts. My bump is quite noticeable at this point]. I just didn't know what to say. Um, there's a huge looming bump between us ... are you blind? I mean really, they expressed immense surprise when I told them I was pregnant. I guess some guys really are that oblivious.
Oh, and I drove my friend R. and her 2 month old daughter up to the conference so I got a full practice run on installing a car seat into JD's parent's car and bringing a stroller to a conference and changing diapers without a changing table in a public restroom. Fabulous way to cover up your own bump is to carry a beautiful, happy 2 month old around ...
Now that it's reached 6 am I'm going to try and go back to sleep.
* And yes, I of course realize that I am incredibly lucky that all seems to be well with our very, very quiet, still baby. And honestly, with my health in the big picture. And we'll sort the finances out at some point. I just kept hoping that I would get to really enjoy this pregnancy at some point, and I'm not sure it's going to happen. But what matters is clearly what happens afterwards.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
lost
It's 10:30 pm and I just realized I haven't eaten since noon. JD is of course safe and sound and away from my fury at his parents. And here I sit obsessing about how my sadness/anger/stress will affect the fetus, while I of course forget to eat. Way to grow a baby, eh? Sometimes it really is too much to deal with.
No end in sight
I thought that all this stress would be over early next week. No longer. Seems there was a scheduling 'miscommunication,' and as expected, it is the student who gets screwed. I can't really explain the details, except that I have basically lost months and months of work and lost the time to do future work.
Needless to say I am taking to my bed. In a very, very belligerent mood.
And of course, in addition to stewing about the unfairness of the whole situation, I will be thinking about how much stress the poor baby has gone through this week and whether I can possibly continue to subject her to this amount of stress. Of course, high co.rt.is.ol was my initial IF problem, but the placenta produces it's own co.r.ti.sol and there are so few studies of women like me (because there are statistically so few of us) that no one knows what type of long-term damage this stress will cause to a fetus. One more thing to feel guilty about.
Needless to say I am taking to my bed. In a very, very belligerent mood.
And of course, in addition to stewing about the unfairness of the whole situation, I will be thinking about how much stress the poor baby has gone through this week and whether I can possibly continue to subject her to this amount of stress. Of course, high co.rt.is.ol was my initial IF problem, but the placenta produces it's own co.r.ti.sol and there are so few studies of women like me (because there are statistically so few of us) that no one knows what type of long-term damage this stress will cause to a fetus. One more thing to feel guilty about.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It had to happen sometime ...
but really, wouldn't next week have been soon enough?
I'm exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm feeling really for bed. At 9 pm. I knew I was going to have to slow down at some point, but what's wrong with next week?
Feeling much better about the school mess. A few little things have been going right on campus - I now have a desk in a 24 building, so I can hopefully come work up here on the weekends and after JD gets home at night in the spring.
And at least the days are passing before my looming deadline. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Poor JD has fled to his parents both because I am super-stressed, but also because we haven't had time to unpack at all and that means we have nothing but one pot, 2 bowls and a few plastic utensils. He claims he had to go home because he was too hungry to stay in NYC. Oh well, can't be a great wife all the time and I'm perfectly content eating canned soup and mac and cheese for a week (shhh - don't tell the midwife).
I'm exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm feeling really for bed. At 9 pm. I knew I was going to have to slow down at some point, but what's wrong with next week?
Feeling much better about the school mess. A few little things have been going right on campus - I now have a desk in a 24 building, so I can hopefully come work up here on the weekends and after JD gets home at night in the spring.
And at least the days are passing before my looming deadline. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Poor JD has fled to his parents both because I am super-stressed, but also because we haven't had time to unpack at all and that means we have nothing but one pot, 2 bowls and a few plastic utensils. He claims he had to go home because he was too hungry to stay in NYC. Oh well, can't be a great wife all the time and I'm perfectly content eating canned soup and mac and cheese for a week (shhh - don't tell the midwife).
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Trying not to cry
I am not usually this emotional, or this caught up in the details of the bureaucracy of my university. But today it just feels like they're kicking me while I'm down.
I had 2 jobs lined up for this fall. I lost one earlier this week due to a bureaucratic mistake.
The second one was with the feminist studies institute. I was supposed to be paid $6,000 for a year-long internship. But whoops, they messed, did they say $6,000? They meant $1,200. I know, it's not a life-changing difference and we'll just dig a little deeper into debt in the spring, but it's hard to keep a straight face when they just 'don't understand' why I'm so upset. I had earmarked all of that money for childcare in the spring. It may not be enough for full-time daycare, but it's a lot of hours of ad-hoc babysitting or sharing somebody else's nanny. And now I don't have it, and it's way too late to find an interesting, flexible job for the fall and I really don't want to even consider a second job in the spring. And it just all-round sucks because this is one of the few organizations I expected to understand the situation and did not get all the details of my job offer in writing.
I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that it's the feminist institute that is making my life hell in the spring. All idealistic organizations at universities tend to be poorly administered. It's just that a nice, polite apology for screwing me over would have made me feel so much better. That, or telling me sometime before September 9th that they basically can't pay me.
ps - I usually try not to post about my program because it is such a small program that basically any detail might give away exactly what I do and where and I don't want my colleagues to find it. But this kind-of gets to me as a political issue more than an academic one. JD keeps talking about how I would have legal rights about all of these 'miscommunications' if I worked outside of academia.
I had 2 jobs lined up for this fall. I lost one earlier this week due to a bureaucratic mistake.
The second one was with the feminist studies institute. I was supposed to be paid $6,000 for a year-long internship. But whoops, they messed, did they say $6,000? They meant $1,200. I know, it's not a life-changing difference and we'll just dig a little deeper into debt in the spring, but it's hard to keep a straight face when they just 'don't understand' why I'm so upset. I had earmarked all of that money for childcare in the spring. It may not be enough for full-time daycare, but it's a lot of hours of ad-hoc babysitting or sharing somebody else's nanny. And now I don't have it, and it's way too late to find an interesting, flexible job for the fall and I really don't want to even consider a second job in the spring. And it just all-round sucks because this is one of the few organizations I expected to understand the situation and did not get all the details of my job offer in writing.
I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that it's the feminist institute that is making my life hell in the spring. All idealistic organizations at universities tend to be poorly administered. It's just that a nice, polite apology for screwing me over would have made me feel so much better. That, or telling me sometime before September 9th that they basically can't pay me.
ps - I usually try not to post about my program because it is such a small program that basically any detail might give away exactly what I do and where and I don't want my colleagues to find it. But this kind-of gets to me as a political issue more than an academic one. JD keeps talking about how I would have legal rights about all of these 'miscommunications' if I worked outside of academia.
little notes
It feels like it's been such a long week already that I have to document that things which are going right before I forget them ...
My building superintendent is on vacation. I do not like my super. In his absence I decided to work on getting a few little things fixed ...
a. A screen for the bathroom window to keep the rats out (he refused this request, the director approved it today)
b. Fix the paint which will peel directly from the ceiling into the wonderbaby's crib
c. On that note, they legally have to inspect the apartment for lead paint (my super denied this request until the baby arrives, director approved it today on the very reasonable request that we be given a little time to clean up before the baby arrives. All old buildings in NYC have some lead paint in them and mine was built in 1902 so we'll just find out how about it is. I'm honestly not that worried, but I will definitely invest in a vacuum if we have a lot of lead paint around).
For the bad, JD messed up when the movers are coming, making tomorrow a total mess. Oh, and I lost one of my jobs for this semester on a technicality, so that's even less money for daycare in the spring than expected. We're going to an information session tonight to find out just how bad the daycare situation in our neighborhood is for next spring (yes, wait lists for 15 months from now ...).
The best: Instead of running errands this morning JD apparently slept in. So much so that he was still in bed when I ran home for lunch, and I obviously decided to crawl into bed with him. Delicious.
My building superintendent is on vacation. I do not like my super. In his absence I decided to work on getting a few little things fixed ...
a. A screen for the bathroom window to keep the rats out (he refused this request, the director approved it today)
b. Fix the paint which will peel directly from the ceiling into the wonderbaby's crib
c. On that note, they legally have to inspect the apartment for lead paint (my super denied this request until the baby arrives, director approved it today on the very reasonable request that we be given a little time to clean up before the baby arrives. All old buildings in NYC have some lead paint in them and mine was built in 1902 so we'll just find out how about it is. I'm honestly not that worried, but I will definitely invest in a vacuum if we have a lot of lead paint around).
For the bad, JD messed up when the movers are coming, making tomorrow a total mess. Oh, and I lost one of my jobs for this semester on a technicality, so that's even less money for daycare in the spring than expected. We're going to an information session tonight to find out just how bad the daycare situation in our neighborhood is for next spring (yes, wait lists for 15 months from now ...).
The best: Instead of running errands this morning JD apparently slept in. So much so that he was still in bed when I ran home for lunch, and I obviously decided to crawl into bed with him. Delicious.
If it's not one thing ...
I was just about to call and yell and my old ob/gyn in City X for not sending my records to me after my midwife told me she still needed the anatomy scan until ... JD pointed out I actually haven't received any mail. I hadn't noticed because he was receiving mail. No mail for 6 weeks. Thank you USPS.
I called both my old post office in City X and the one in NYC and neither of them has seen any of my mail. And no, the USPS does not have a national number to report lost/stolen/missing mail. So everyone just told me to wait but it's been 6 weeks. Oh, and we just got married so there are theoretically still some presents/cards in the mail. Brilliant.
Any suggestions much appreciated.
I called both my old post office in City X and the one in NYC and neither of them has seen any of my mail. And no, the USPS does not have a national number to report lost/stolen/missing mail. So everyone just told me to wait but it's been 6 weeks. Oh, and we just got married so there are theoretically still some presents/cards in the mail. Brilliant.
Any suggestions much appreciated.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Just a quick update
I saw my midwife today (1st time since 14 weeks) and all appears to be well. She's not too concerned that I'm not feeling movement regularly. Baby definitely still has a heartbeat. My weight looks good. Size of the uterus is appropriate.
Back to work - I barely have time to think about this now. For the moment I'm just going to trust her and not request an ultrasound.
Another GTT in 2 weeks and hopefully I'll be feeling regular movement by then.
Back to work - I barely have time to think about this now. For the moment I'm just going to trust her and not request an ultrasound.
Another GTT in 2 weeks and hopefully I'll be feeling regular movement by then.
gender differences
For all that I may rant against the pre-natal gender stereotyping of infants, sometimes gender differences jump out so starkly you can't ignore them.
First day back in the library. I always sit at the same table, usually with my 2 guy buddies. They both know about the wonderbaby. Not so much the other graduate students in the room.
I walk into the room after lunch and the 2 female graduate students both look up, smile and whisper congratulations. The other guy at our table? Wants to talk about course selection for this term. I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice the bump. Cracks me up.
First day back in the library. I always sit at the same table, usually with my 2 guy buddies. They both know about the wonderbaby. Not so much the other graduate students in the room.
I walk into the room after lunch and the 2 female graduate students both look up, smile and whisper congratulations. The other guy at our table? Wants to talk about course selection for this term. I'm pretty sure he didn't even notice the bump. Cracks me up.
Bliss
Whoever came up with this whole idea of living with your partner was quite brilliant. It is truly blissful.
Yes, we've lived together every summer since we started dating and done the whole commuting/long-distance thing, but it's different to finally set up an apartment that you both intend to share full-time for at least the following 9 months.
Yesterday night JD rearranged all the furniture in the apartment under my direction (it's all empty because we sublet the place - unpacking the closet is going to be a separate issue).
Then, when I got an awful leg cramp, he fixed it.
And then, at about midnight, disaster struck: I went to the bathroom and discovered that the roaches are still in residence. My long-time readers may remember that I am none too fond of roaches. And we live in a 1st floor apartment in NYC directly about the trash collection room for 3 large buildings.
So what did I do yesterday night? Scream? Call the poor doorman to commiserate? Flee the bathroom and refuse to shower for days (a frequent pattern in the spring). Nope.
I slowly and very calmly backed out of the bathroom and called JD. He took care of the roaches in residence, bleached the bathtub, found a new drain and weight for the bathtub, set out roach traps, and promised to talk to the super today. Brilliant.
Of course, I also left him a to-do list for the day that includes the bank, post office, hardware store, laundry, dry cleaners, supermarket, and of course meeting me at 6 pm for our midwife appointment. I'm definitely going to enjoy living together.
Yes, we've lived together every summer since we started dating and done the whole commuting/long-distance thing, but it's different to finally set up an apartment that you both intend to share full-time for at least the following 9 months.
Yesterday night JD rearranged all the furniture in the apartment under my direction (it's all empty because we sublet the place - unpacking the closet is going to be a separate issue).
Then, when I got an awful leg cramp, he fixed it.
And then, at about midnight, disaster struck: I went to the bathroom and discovered that the roaches are still in residence. My long-time readers may remember that I am none too fond of roaches. And we live in a 1st floor apartment in NYC directly about the trash collection room for 3 large buildings.
So what did I do yesterday night? Scream? Call the poor doorman to commiserate? Flee the bathroom and refuse to shower for days (a frequent pattern in the spring). Nope.
I slowly and very calmly backed out of the bathroom and called JD. He took care of the roaches in residence, bleached the bathtub, found a new drain and weight for the bathtub, set out roach traps, and promised to talk to the super today. Brilliant.
Of course, I also left him a to-do list for the day that includes the bank, post office, hardware store, laundry, dry cleaners, supermarket, and of course meeting me at 6 pm for our midwife appointment. I'm definitely going to enjoy living together.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Home
In my very own apartment. With intentions to stay for more than 2 nights for the first time since 1dpo (end of March).
Also, exhausted.
And I think my initial theory was right. I have simply been running around too much to feel the baby kick. Yesterday night I felt very clear kicks while sitting through a wedding. JD also felt them. Or maybe she's more active when she's hungry because the wedding started at 8:15 pm and they didn't serve salad until 11:10 pm.
Midwife appointment tomorrow. Crazy, stressful week coming up. I probably won't be posting much for a while until everything is straightened out with my work.
Also, exhausted.
And I think my initial theory was right. I have simply been running around too much to feel the baby kick. Yesterday night I felt very clear kicks while sitting through a wedding. JD also felt them. Or maybe she's more active when she's hungry because the wedding started at 8:15 pm and they didn't serve salad until 11:10 pm.
Midwife appointment tomorrow. Crazy, stressful week coming up. I probably won't be posting much for a while until everything is straightened out with my work.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Travel obsession
Well, I thought the really exciting part of our vacation was over. We were done hiking, visiting new places, and today was just supposed to be about a 4 hour drive, returning the rental car and going to sleep early so we can catch a 7:45 am flight in the morning until ... we realized that the Utah State Fair opened today. Both JD and I are tremendous fans of state fairs, and although this one was a bit small, it was thoroughly enjoyable.*
Of course, I do wish I hadn't mentioned this post (from Ahuva at the anguished corn) out-loud because JD basically plied me with drinks from the moment we entered the state fair until we left. There were 6 public restrooms, and I only know because I visited all 6 at least once, and several more than once. Needless to say, I think he might have overreacted to the danger.
I also finally got in touch with the midwife (not mine, her partner). She was mostly reassuring. She basically said that as long as there is still a heartbeat on Monday evening, the delay of 4-5 days for an ultrasound/growth scan will make no difference, and there is very little they can do at this point. She did say she was worried about the lack of movement but it was 'very rare' to develop such serious issues after the anatomy scan. Then she listed again all the reasons I might not feel any movement (#1 - being overweight, I've discussed that one before) while my mind raced and I started thinking of all the meals I've eaten and the potential for bacterial infection at every place ... But most reassuringly she told me you don't need to feel movement everyday until 28-30 weeks and I will only be 25 weeks on Saturday night.
And now, it's off to bed and that 7:45 am flight and then we transition from romantic/outdoorsy couple time to ... wedding season. I have 5 weddings to go to this year, and 3 are in the next month including 3 of JD's roommates from grad school (2 are marrying each other) and my little step-brother. Then we have another good friend's wedding and I'll be a bridesmaid in July (fitting in January, should be fabulous). And of course, just to make the wedding weekend a bit more entertaining, JD and I will be rooming with 2 of his bachelor friends to save money ... Well, we started this honeymoon on a Greyhound bus to Boston so it does seem fitting to end it four-to-a-hotel-room in downtown Chicago.
*I would rank Utah well below Alaska, Minnesota, New Mexico or North Carolina but definitely above all those middling East coast states.
Of course, I do wish I hadn't mentioned this post (from Ahuva at the anguished corn) out-loud because JD basically plied me with drinks from the moment we entered the state fair until we left. There were 6 public restrooms, and I only know because I visited all 6 at least once, and several more than once. Needless to say, I think he might have overreacted to the danger.
I also finally got in touch with the midwife (not mine, her partner). She was mostly reassuring. She basically said that as long as there is still a heartbeat on Monday evening, the delay of 4-5 days for an ultrasound/growth scan will make no difference, and there is very little they can do at this point. She did say she was worried about the lack of movement but it was 'very rare' to develop such serious issues after the anatomy scan. Then she listed again all the reasons I might not feel any movement (#1 - being overweight, I've discussed that one before) while my mind raced and I started thinking of all the meals I've eaten and the potential for bacterial infection at every place ... But most reassuringly she told me you don't need to feel movement everyday until 28-30 weeks and I will only be 25 weeks on Saturday night.
And now, it's off to bed and that 7:45 am flight and then we transition from romantic/outdoorsy couple time to ... wedding season. I have 5 weddings to go to this year, and 3 are in the next month including 3 of JD's roommates from grad school (2 are marrying each other) and my little step-brother. Then we have another good friend's wedding and I'll be a bridesmaid in July (fitting in January, should be fabulous). And of course, just to make the wedding weekend a bit more entertaining, JD and I will be rooming with 2 of his bachelor friends to save money ... Well, we started this honeymoon on a Greyhound bus to Boston so it does seem fitting to end it four-to-a-hotel-room in downtown Chicago.
*I would rank Utah well below Alaska, Minnesota, New Mexico or North Carolina but definitely above all those middling East coast states.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Another short note
I read a brief article yesterday night which was basically a polemic pro-midwifery. And it made me surprisingly pissed. Of course, there's the obvious. Without the incredible talent of my 3 RE's, a battery of tests and much intervention I wouldn't be in this state.
But then, there's the more immediate annoyance. The article basically suggested that midwives are more caring and compassionate and concerned about the individual experience of their patients, which is not my experience at all (and yes, my midwife comes very, very highly recommended). I understand midwives have really tough jobs. And when they work in an office of 2 they obviously can't answer their voicemail every day. But my RE's office always got back to me within a day or two, especially if I called twice. The midwife? Never returned a call as far as I can remember until I've left at least 3 messages. Absurd as it is, I didn't get my GTT results until I was basically through security and within 20 minutes of boarding an international flight (and after 5 calls at that point). I feel bad paging her if she's in a delivery or meeting with another patient, but I need to talk to her tomorrow.
And would it be so much to call me back today when I left a message yesterday basically indicating I was panicked? I know I might be a better candidate for a high-risk ob/gyn, but the fact is that they won't let you 'opt in' to their practice in NYC so until something goes really wrong I don't have that option and no regular ob/gyn has room for me (nor is that what I want for the actual delivery). I return to NYC at 8 pm on Sunday night and I want my u/s, NST or growth scan scheduled for Monday before my 6 pm midwife appointment. And at this point I think that's reasonable. Alternatively of course, we could pop into just about any ER between now and then have it fully covered by my insurance. I'm honestly not sure what my hesitation is at this point, but I have no intention of waiting past next Monday for some reassurance that all is well.
Ok, done ranting.
In other news, let it be public record that I have informed JD that the first accident is all his to cover up and later clean up. Nope, I'm not talking about some theoretical toilet training incident in a few years. I'm talking about the state of my poor bladder while hiking at high altitudes in desert-like conditions (i.e. no way to duck behind the bushes, the visibility is just too good and I have to drink at least 4 liters for even a short hike). And JD still persists on sneaking up on me to kiss me, poking my backside, exclaiming loudly ... I see a mortifying disaster looming shortly.
But then, there's the more immediate annoyance. The article basically suggested that midwives are more caring and compassionate and concerned about the individual experience of their patients, which is not my experience at all (and yes, my midwife comes very, very highly recommended). I understand midwives have really tough jobs. And when they work in an office of 2 they obviously can't answer their voicemail every day. But my RE's office always got back to me within a day or two, especially if I called twice. The midwife? Never returned a call as far as I can remember until I've left at least 3 messages. Absurd as it is, I didn't get my GTT results until I was basically through security and within 20 minutes of boarding an international flight (and after 5 calls at that point). I feel bad paging her if she's in a delivery or meeting with another patient, but I need to talk to her tomorrow.
And would it be so much to call me back today when I left a message yesterday basically indicating I was panicked? I know I might be a better candidate for a high-risk ob/gyn, but the fact is that they won't let you 'opt in' to their practice in NYC so until something goes really wrong I don't have that option and no regular ob/gyn has room for me (nor is that what I want for the actual delivery). I return to NYC at 8 pm on Sunday night and I want my u/s, NST or growth scan scheduled for Monday before my 6 pm midwife appointment. And at this point I think that's reasonable. Alternatively of course, we could pop into just about any ER between now and then have it fully covered by my insurance. I'm honestly not sure what my hesitation is at this point, but I have no intention of waiting past next Monday for some reassurance that all is well.
Ok, done ranting.
In other news, let it be public record that I have informed JD that the first accident is all his to cover up and later clean up. Nope, I'm not talking about some theoretical toilet training incident in a few years. I'm talking about the state of my poor bladder while hiking at high altitudes in desert-like conditions (i.e. no way to duck behind the bushes, the visibility is just too good and I have to drink at least 4 liters for even a short hike). And JD still persists on sneaking up on me to kiss me, poking my backside, exclaiming loudly ... I see a mortifying disaster looming shortly.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Just a quick post
to say I'm feeling much better. I left a voicemail for my midwife that I want to schedule a growth scan for next Monday unless she has serious objections.
I also called my mother, who I had been avoiding worrying, and she sounded utterly unconcerned.
And thanks for all your comments.
Off to watch the sunset at the Grand Canyon. Maybe I'm just obsessing because everything else is going so very well at the moment ...
I also called my mother, who I had been avoiding worrying, and she sounded utterly unconcerned.
And thanks for all your comments.
Off to watch the sunset at the Grand Canyon. Maybe I'm just obsessing because everything else is going so very well at the moment ...
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