Not again, right? Let's start with the positive. Some months ago I read a really love blog post by a mother about judging other parents. Her situation is quite specific, but she basically asked the other mothers who were being so judgmental "what have you done to help?" (the specifics here are a failed adoption). And it stuck with me. Because really, while I am endlessly busy (basically) single parenting 2 kids, trying to work full-time-ish, trying to hold my marriage together, the usual ... really? I still live a charmed life and it's just absurd that I have pushed all of my "do-gooding" to the future when the kids will be bigger, I'll have more time, etc.
I have also been spending some time with a foster mother I know, and while it is something that I would really like to consider in the future, the logistics of it make it truly impossible now or anytime in the next decade or so. Apparently in NYC that job is so full of travel time, busy work, scheduled appointment that it's just not possible to do while working (a small example, but all kids doctors appointments must be done at the foster clinic. Which is 1.5 hours away by public transport. And she has a sick kid who needs to go in almost weekly, plus scheduled visits with 3 different parents, also over an hour away).
Yeah, that's all a long intro to explain exactly why given all the time constraints I started the training to be a LLL leader. I needed a volunteer job that I could do with both kids in tow (check), that's not a huge time commitment (check), that is something I firmly believe in (check), and that is social (check). And guys, it's awesome. I keep reading criticism of LLL leader, and all I can say is that a few rotten apples should not characterize a very large organization. As part of my preparation I am currently attending not only the intro to breastfeeding session, but also a working moms weekend meeting (yes, I know, everyone thinks this organization is anti-working moms), and a nursing toddlers meeting and it is lovely to meet so many conscientious, attentive parents.
And the formula? I moved it from the counter to the cabinet last night. Still haven't decided what to do about it. Our adorable dumpling is now technically a "failure to thrive baby" and fortifying my breastmilk is one little thing we may do (although it will make his anemia worse, and he's already anemic). Let's look at the facts:
8 lbs 2 oz at birth
8 lbs 2 oz at 2 weeks
12 lbs at 4 weeks
17 lbs 6 oz at 9 months (about 10th percentile)
18 lbs 2 oz at 12 months (borderline 3rd percentile, but he also grew 1.5 inches)
Oh, and crawling at 5 months. Launching himself into the bathtub at 10 months. Climbing stepladders at 11 months (5 steps guys, it was pretty neat to watch).
So yeah, he gained under a pound in 3 months. He's skinny. But he's also super active. And meeting every benchmark. And the kid just doesn't want to eat. I feel like every time he opens his mouth I am either stuffing a boob or some high fat high protein food into him (although in actuality we let him self-feed at all meals. Oh, the mess).
And I really just wish our doctor would come out and say "I'm super-worried let's run lab tests and rule out weird things" or "Eh, he's small." But instead she very strongly suggested I schedule a follow-up weight check in 4 weeks. But then what? I asked her what she would do if he's gained no weight, and said "we'll see." I am very strongly tempted to ignore her (especially since I am around good baby scales so much now and can just weigh him myself).
One theme which comes up over and over again during LLL meetings is the awful, stupid, terrible advice pediatricians give about breastfeeding. 75% of the moms nursing toddlers have been told to stop ... by their pediatricians. And yesterday our ped told me that "breastmilk has less calories at night so a reverse feeding schedule may not work." Um, really? Sure it changes fat content a bit during the day but it hardly turns to water over night.
But I realized that a huge part of that misinformation is simply the fact that NYC pediatricians really can't breastfeed, or at least not for long. Our pediatrician was pregnant last time we saw her and doing a little simple math it seems that the poor woman took off exactly 6 weeks to the day. I don't know if that is financial necessity, a requirement of the office, or her choice, but needless to say no wonder she advocates so loudly for CIO and nursing/pumping on a schedule when she is working 50+ hours a week, with on call hours nights and weekends, with a 6 week old (and a toddler, or two. I'm sure this isn't baby #1). Not sure exactly where I'm going with that except to note that people should both a. ignore stupid advice b. have some notion of bounds within which most of our pediatricians have to parent.
That said, do tell me your wisdom. Stories of super-skinny (you can feel all his ribs) adorable babies formerly-nicknamed "the dumpling" who went out to win Guggenheims much appreciated. Or magic, tasty recipes to make baby foie gras (we're already coating everything with olive oil or avocado or butter or peanut butter. He eats very few carbs with a diet heavy in yogurt, grated cheese, meatballs, chicken breast ... and pomegranate, because he loves it so).
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Oh right
Well, that explains all of the helicopters and delays taking the subway home (we were about 3 blocks away enroute to the subway when all of this took place): http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/uptown/harlem-shooting-leaves-injured-suspect-dead-article-1.1022561. It's actually the second time we've been surrounded by cops in the past week. The other in sight of our apartment building when a crowd of guys ran past our huge double stroller, followed by a crowd of cops. Needless to say members of both crowds tripped over our stroller, but thankfully all guns stayed firmly out of sight. Yeah, we support gun control.
But this really wasn't going to be a post about that, but rather about committing to being adventurous. I just happened to google it as I opened this page and remembered the mess yesterday (the 6 news helicopters scared the kids far more than the police. They rather like cops most of the time. I also just don't get the voyeurism of the 24-hour news cycle).
There's a new mom in one of the two classes we take weekly, and last week she asked me if I hadn't been afraid to take the dumpling with me to K.ar.achi over Christmas. The question is what I got a lot from family, friends, etc. so I started to carefully explain how we'd evaluated security, packed all of his food, when she clarified that she meant in case he saw anything disturbing. And it basically made me dead stop because I didn't have an answer (except the obvious that mini man is not yet one, and his deep thoughts on inequality are fairly limited).
Yes, it is jarring to carry your organically-fed, nursed on demand baby in a silk sling through a poor neighborhood in the developing world. But we have a homeless guy on our corner, and when he's not too drunk we often stop to talk to him. I love that the fusspot has noticed that her dear friend H., who runs the dry cleaner on our block, is always in the store. He works 7 am to 7 pm 6 days a week, and his commute is a bit over an hour. And yes, he has kids at home. And his wife works the same hours in the nail salon 2 doors down from the dry cleaner (and yes, he earned a college degree before immigrating but took this job to support his family in a new country). And the fusspot is a full participant in our frequent runs to donate items at the local goodwill. It just never crossed my mind to shield them from poverty, or inequality, or racism. To explain, to respond, to provide them scripts when they are asked questions, sure, but not to conceal. And at just 3 there are many things that the fusspot notices nowadays: that the non-white moms in our neighborhood have a much higher tendency to strike their children (oh, the self-righteous parents who explain that "they don't use corporeal punishment" and so ignore how this is largely an issue determined by race, at least in our part of the city), that some people work more than others, that some kids have more or less than they do.
But the more I read, the more I realize that's probably a bit unusual. That most people who have left the city express relief at not having to explain why there is a drunk man shouting epithets on our step when we get back to the apartment late at night (he is quite harmless), or why exactly there are quilts and blankets over the heating grate a block away from daycare. I guess that I'd rather have the fusspot grow up understanding injustice than have to break it to her all in one day. And I certainly see the economic inequality as a greater problem than the racial prejudice, even though I still get any number of less than p.c. comments about my children (any suggestions on appropriate responses when people compliment my babies' "chinky" eyes? I mean, they are cute and all ...). So maybe I hope that even as toddlers they will gain a little perspective on any challenges they may face later. And please, someday, let them have a hint of empathy. But at least I hope that they will not run from people who smell or shout or look different.
But this really wasn't going to be a post about that, but rather about committing to being adventurous. I just happened to google it as I opened this page and remembered the mess yesterday (the 6 news helicopters scared the kids far more than the police. They rather like cops most of the time. I also just don't get the voyeurism of the 24-hour news cycle).
There's a new mom in one of the two classes we take weekly, and last week she asked me if I hadn't been afraid to take the dumpling with me to K.ar.achi over Christmas. The question is what I got a lot from family, friends, etc. so I started to carefully explain how we'd evaluated security, packed all of his food, when she clarified that she meant in case he saw anything disturbing. And it basically made me dead stop because I didn't have an answer (except the obvious that mini man is not yet one, and his deep thoughts on inequality are fairly limited).
Yes, it is jarring to carry your organically-fed, nursed on demand baby in a silk sling through a poor neighborhood in the developing world. But we have a homeless guy on our corner, and when he's not too drunk we often stop to talk to him. I love that the fusspot has noticed that her dear friend H., who runs the dry cleaner on our block, is always in the store. He works 7 am to 7 pm 6 days a week, and his commute is a bit over an hour. And yes, he has kids at home. And his wife works the same hours in the nail salon 2 doors down from the dry cleaner (and yes, he earned a college degree before immigrating but took this job to support his family in a new country). And the fusspot is a full participant in our frequent runs to donate items at the local goodwill. It just never crossed my mind to shield them from poverty, or inequality, or racism. To explain, to respond, to provide them scripts when they are asked questions, sure, but not to conceal. And at just 3 there are many things that the fusspot notices nowadays: that the non-white moms in our neighborhood have a much higher tendency to strike their children (oh, the self-righteous parents who explain that "they don't use corporeal punishment" and so ignore how this is largely an issue determined by race, at least in our part of the city), that some people work more than others, that some kids have more or less than they do.
But the more I read, the more I realize that's probably a bit unusual. That most people who have left the city express relief at not having to explain why there is a drunk man shouting epithets on our step when we get back to the apartment late at night (he is quite harmless), or why exactly there are quilts and blankets over the heating grate a block away from daycare. I guess that I'd rather have the fusspot grow up understanding injustice than have to break it to her all in one day. And I certainly see the economic inequality as a greater problem than the racial prejudice, even though I still get any number of less than p.c. comments about my children (any suggestions on appropriate responses when people compliment my babies' "chinky" eyes? I mean, they are cute and all ...). So maybe I hope that even as toddlers they will gain a little perspective on any challenges they may face later. And please, someday, let them have a hint of empathy. But at least I hope that they will not run from people who smell or shout or look different.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
In no particular order
1. I had no idea that babies could grow teeth in a lopsided manner. The dumpling is currently sporting FIVE teeth. 2 top front, 2 bottom front, 1 right incisor. Tell me this is normal, please.
2. Totally adorable watching my daughter open her very-first new book in a series and appreciate that "the man just wrote this book." (The Monster Returns, for those interested. We love Jeremy Draws a Monsters although nothing else by Peter McCarthy).
3. US Airways is the worst. They are the only airline I have encountered which will not allow parents with lap children to check in online. On the way to the airport I happily checked in, took the bus, arrived late, ran by the counter and had them add my lap child and made my flight with 10 minutes to spare. On the way back the dumpling was already in the computer so I couldn't check in online, had to go wait in line, was still assigned the exit row (not allowed, obviously. I know this is why they don't give you seat assignments when you check in online with a lap child but there's a big difference between having a ticket with no seat and not being checked in), ran to the airplane, just made it ... and then everybody on the plane had to move to accommodate the fusspot, dumpling, and I dealing departure by a good 10 minutes ...
4. Oh yes, we went on a trip. The type of trip where you get a phone call, open orbitz, buy plane tickets ... and tell your toddler that instead of the playground you need to leave for the airport in 45 minutes. It was a bit hectic. There were some pleasant parts. The sun, having my high school friends rally around us and show up at 10 pm with take-out, etc. There was some craziness like not making it to the supermarket during a 3.5 day trip such that my children only ate take-out and delivery. Also, 2 toddlers in a non-baby-proofed house. The best was watching my son pry up a grate over the air vent and contentedly toss little toys down it ... needless to say it was a bit of a medical emergency (not too serious), and nobody else was available to help (ah, the joys of being overly-responsible), and it was definitively craziness. But we're back in the city and PT/nurses/food/help have all been arranged.
5. The fusspot is a city kid. She picked up gravel from my father's driveway and licked it. At least she didn't just eat it, right?
6. My son is tiny and it's kind-of freaking me out. We saw a friend's new 3 month old baby. And she weighed more than the dumpling. Bring on the peanut butter/avocado/cheese snacks. I know that we're not big people (although the fusspot was always 50% for weight), but he is really both small and skinny.
7. Any thoughts on when it is ok to start whole milk? Our pediatrician stomped her foot and said not a day before 12 months, but I'm thinking 11 will be fine. I mean, he's still nursing on demand 16 hours a day and getting pumped milk at daycare but every time we give him a drink of water it just seems like a wasted opportunity to get some calories into him. I know, I know, I know: nothing wrong with formula at all, but I'd rather not start it at 11 months and then transition him over in a month to milk.
8. Oh, also noted on our trip: my son has crazy separation anxiety at the moment. I guess I just hadn't noticed it because he's either with me or our regular daycare provider (he loves her), or our one regular evening babysitter (I have work stuff at night). But literally every time I left the room during our trip he would put his head down on the floor and sob. I just ignore this right and it goes away soon? There is nothing to be done, right? Some assurance that this is normal and about to end would be much appreciated.
2. Totally adorable watching my daughter open her very-first new book in a series and appreciate that "the man just wrote this book." (The Monster Returns, for those interested. We love Jeremy Draws a Monsters although nothing else by Peter McCarthy).
3. US Airways is the worst. They are the only airline I have encountered which will not allow parents with lap children to check in online. On the way to the airport I happily checked in, took the bus, arrived late, ran by the counter and had them add my lap child and made my flight with 10 minutes to spare. On the way back the dumpling was already in the computer so I couldn't check in online, had to go wait in line, was still assigned the exit row (not allowed, obviously. I know this is why they don't give you seat assignments when you check in online with a lap child but there's a big difference between having a ticket with no seat and not being checked in), ran to the airplane, just made it ... and then everybody on the plane had to move to accommodate the fusspot, dumpling, and I dealing departure by a good 10 minutes ...
4. Oh yes, we went on a trip. The type of trip where you get a phone call, open orbitz, buy plane tickets ... and tell your toddler that instead of the playground you need to leave for the airport in 45 minutes. It was a bit hectic. There were some pleasant parts. The sun, having my high school friends rally around us and show up at 10 pm with take-out, etc. There was some craziness like not making it to the supermarket during a 3.5 day trip such that my children only ate take-out and delivery. Also, 2 toddlers in a non-baby-proofed house. The best was watching my son pry up a grate over the air vent and contentedly toss little toys down it ... needless to say it was a bit of a medical emergency (not too serious), and nobody else was available to help (ah, the joys of being overly-responsible), and it was definitively craziness. But we're back in the city and PT/nurses/food/help have all been arranged.
5. The fusspot is a city kid. She picked up gravel from my father's driveway and licked it. At least she didn't just eat it, right?
6. My son is tiny and it's kind-of freaking me out. We saw a friend's new 3 month old baby. And she weighed more than the dumpling. Bring on the peanut butter/avocado/cheese snacks. I know that we're not big people (although the fusspot was always 50% for weight), but he is really both small and skinny.
7. Any thoughts on when it is ok to start whole milk? Our pediatrician stomped her foot and said not a day before 12 months, but I'm thinking 11 will be fine. I mean, he's still nursing on demand 16 hours a day and getting pumped milk at daycare but every time we give him a drink of water it just seems like a wasted opportunity to get some calories into him. I know, I know, I know: nothing wrong with formula at all, but I'd rather not start it at 11 months and then transition him over in a month to milk.
8. Oh, also noted on our trip: my son has crazy separation anxiety at the moment. I guess I just hadn't noticed it because he's either with me or our regular daycare provider (he loves her), or our one regular evening babysitter (I have work stuff at night). But literally every time I left the room during our trip he would put his head down on the floor and sob. I just ignore this right and it goes away soon? There is nothing to be done, right? Some assurance that this is normal and about to end would be much appreciated.
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