a little sympathy

My thoughts are a bit rambling on this subject, but I figure writing them down might help. I luckily haven't had to miss enough school/work to be forced to tell anyone about our IF who I didn't want to, but I have told a small group of friends (Jim Dear hasn't yet, I'm not thrilled about that, see my post on my many 'dentist appointments'). Thus far, what has really stood out is that nobody really knows what to say, and more than just being awkward, they really don't get what a loss/struggle this is for us. Nobody has said anything even close to 'That sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this.' The responses I have got fall into 3 categories. My friends with babies basically say 'Yay. Welcome to the mommy club.' Which doesn't always make me feel the best. My guy friends tend to squirm and say something along the lines of 'Good luck' and 'That's why you're not drinking.' It's my female friends who are the most judgmental, and I'm guessing that a lot of that comes from being in their mid-20s and having been overwhelmed with the idea that they ought to feel guilty about either not wanting kids or not wanting them now. Honestly, if we hadn't known about all these problems, I doubt we would have started TTC by now. But really, my decision is not a critique of their lives, and given how easily most of my friends have gotten pregnant, and how confident they have been that there wouldn't be any problems (3 friends got pregnant the first month they tried, one of whom also posted a photo of her with her home p. test THE DAY SHE TOOK IT on her blog) I don't see why they are quite so defensive. The questions are pretty in your face: are we really ready, is this a mutual decision, maybe we just aren't meant to have kids (I really don't get this one. No one told me I was supposed to have rabbit teeth when I got braces, and thus far I have to admit our IF has been a lot less physically painful than my 4 years of braces ... and thus far cheaper), and of course, have we considered adoption.

Um, people, think about it. I'm 26, unmarried, commuting between a loft and a one-bedroom apartment, neither of us have a stable job yet ... nobody in the world is going to hand us a beautiful baby to raise. I don't love it, but I understand why most agencies require you to have been married for a certain amount of time (although I hate how this discriminates against couples that can't marry), to pass home inspections, and to pay all the processing fees. And yes, if adoption is our best route to parenthood, of course we'll go for.* In about 5-6 years, when it becomes a possibility. But really, these people 'fix' all sorts of 'minor' medical problems and yet they seem to think that we should even try IF treatments.

The one thing I'm worried about is that the friends I have told, in an attempt to be supportive, are going to ask the wrong questions. The truth is that I already have a fairly substantial beer gut (don't worry, no new beer, it's just the leftovers from college hanging around my tummy) that happens to look just like my friend's 3 month bump and since I'm not drinking, etc. I get asked pretty often whether I'm p. At the moment, it's fine and I can just say no. But I don't want to go around telling people during the first trimester, so I have been trying to send some signals not to ask about it. I know we're a high miscarriage risk, and although I'm sure these friends would be supportive if we had to deal with something like that, I can't know in advance if I'll really feel like talking about it. But I also don't want to make them feel awkward because even if they aren't saying the right things, they're trying to be good friends.

* I would love to adopt whether I can carry a pregnancy or not because I want a big family and I doubt that I'll be up for IF treatments if I'm also caring for a child. And Jim Dear is open to the idea, but would rather we start with one of our own. And we don't have to fight about it because it's not an option in the near future.