It's going to sound silly to say, but I feel much better realizing that my extreme moodiness and frustration are just a mild form of the 'baby blues' (why do books refer to it that way instead of PPD - is it just that the word depression is too taboo?). I have not been feeling the best, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and have started to make plans (and this was after all something we thought quite likely). For now, no meds given my bad experiences in the past, but here's the action plan:
- I need to be much clearer with JD about when I need help. He left work super-early yesterday night because he had a migraine, and the moment he walked in the door I handed him the baby and told him I need to go out for a walk and I'd be back later (the rush was that I had of course just finished breastfeeding and needed to take advantage of the break).
- Must leave the apartment/exercise every day. This is rather challenging because I am both supposed to a. avoid crowded places with the fusspot b. not keep her outside too long (and c. not go for long walks alone in our neighborhood after JD gets home - it's not that safe). But I will be exercising/going out more.
- Stop comfort eating non-stop. I've been gaining weight, and it doesn't look good (yes, still below my pre-TTC weight but looking much worse for the wear). So I'm limiting my desserts/carbs/sugar. Ugh. At least till I can exercise more ...
- Not feeling guilty about the nanny. It's a big expense given our budget, but I really do need to get work done in order to keep up with my classmates and be ready for spring term. And I will not feel guilty about it, or the decision to delay bottles another 2 weeks on the advice of our LC (which means about 1/2 the time she's here the nanny is just hanging out, waiting for me to finish breastfeeding).
- Simply let go of the fact that most of my friends don't seem to want to acknowledge/meet TS, and that none of them really stepped up to the plate as expected. I have been reading all sorts of parenting books which suggest making lists of food/errands/household tasks you want done while you're caring for a newborn. And I realized not a single friend has offered to bring over a meal or help out. Oh well, no point in dwelling on that (and yes, my 2 close friends with babies were both out of town for the holidays so they are thoroughly excused).
And some great things:
- TS has a sleep routine at night, and it's fine. Feedings at 10:30/11 pm, 1 am, 3:30 am (this feed takes up to 1.5 hours - no idea why), 6:30/7 am and then a fabulous nap from 9 am to 11 am
- She SMILES a lot. And laughs. Not a social smile (i.e. not in response to any cues we can discerne) but it's very cute. And occasionally she will grin and roll her eyes back in her head, which is very, very creepy at night (she's also somewhat cross-eyed but the pediatrician thinks it will clear up on its own).
- TS outgrew her newborn clothes. All of them. In the past week. They fit last week, they don't fit now. I know it's partially the cloth diapers, but its definitely a sign she's growing.
- Our nanny is great. Calm, happy to sit in a chair and rock TS for an hour or more. Easy to get along with for me. Not at all judgemental about my delay on starting bottles of EBM or dealing with cloth diapers, the filthy state of my apartment, dealing with a kosher kitchen, etc. I mean, I knew this (she's been caring for my friend's kids for months now), but it's still great.
5 comments:
Sometimes it just helps to let out some of the grumpy, and then the thinking planning can start again! I'm glad you have a nice turnaround.
I think this sounds really wonderful -- I've always found that once I could see the chemical swing in my mood -- and resolve to exercise more -- or do those things that I knew could shift the balance -- it made all the difference in the world for me.
It sounds like things are looking brighter... I hope you have a productive spring term!
Pam
I can totally relate on the needing to exercise thing. Sigh. Don't get me started.
I was a bit misty as I packed away the (by comparison) size 12 months clothes that my Lil Pumpkin wore while we were in China. She was, or course, 15 months old then, but as you know Chinese babies tend to be a bit smaller. When she was finally and completely into the 18 months sized clothing, and I folded up those teeny shorts and shirts and packed them away, I cried and marveled at how much difference a few pounds and inches make on a little person.
I'm glad the nanny is working out. You will find that it's a big help to have someone THERE, even if you are BF alot of the time.
When Sacha was just a few weeks old I would pout him in a carrier and snuggle him inside my jacket and make sure to just walk up and down the street if nothing else. I think it was good for both of us (even though is was cold and snowy...)
As for your friends... I'm sorry. It's hard have hopes and then be let down. I experienced much the same thing. You would think that people would understand that you need and want help... Even after you had been so fantastic to all your friends during your pregnancy (and before, I'm sure). All that said, sometimes people really don't know that you need help until you ask. I have one friend who I have on ocassion (very rarely as to not take advantage) asked her to just come be with the baby for an hour so that I can have a moment to myself. Most of the time she is like: of course, I'm glad you asked!
I was sad too when I packed up Sacha's first set of clothes. It was so hard to believe that he actually outgrew something!!
If it's any comfort, I've been having much the same thoughts about exercise, etc., and I'm not even dealing with post-birth hormones or BF. I feel so much compassion for new mothers like you now!! Asking for help (and taking it when offered) is really essential. I'm so glad you have a good nanny. We haven't even started looking for childcare and it seems so daunting.
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