Both JD and I are feeling down tonight. Of course, he improved his mood by going out for 2 hours (I'll concede he was running an errand for me, but still ...). The baby is doing better than ever and we had a very relaxing weekend at JD's parents, but still there are a few things wearing on me:
- I'm starting to work again on Tuesday. This Tuesday. Less than 4 weeks post-partum. Wait, before you extend your deepest sympathies, let me assure you that our 'nanny' is coming over to my apartment for 3 hours and I'll be hiding in the bedroom (probably napping, honestly) while she takes the baby during her fussiest time - not exactly an awful situation by any standards. We won't start a full day till next week, and since I'm still not up for bottles, I'll be home at least every 2 hours and probably home and hiding the full day. I know, having the luxury of hiring someone to come help with TS in my own home on my own schedule is hardly tough, but despite my control over the location and schedule, the truth is that the deadlines are piling up and I need to get some work done.
- I'm worried that my right breast is giving out (or maybe my left breast just massively over-produces?) I get about 1/4 out of the right as the left when I pump, regardless of which side I've feed on most recently. Of course, since I get about 4 oz. from the left side, my sense of 'normal' might just be off.
- I think I need to diet. While I lost a ton of weight within a week of giving birth (squeezing into my stretch jeans 7 days post-partum) ... well ... as predicted, my weight has started to rise again. And more importantly, my face is looking noticeably plumper since I reintroduced food into my diet. The stomach is down to its normal, healthy 'average beer gut' size but I don't look good. And since I can't get enough exercise when the weather is cold (because I don't want to keep the baby outside too long), I may have to diet (oh, and not having a bra but more on that later ...)
- I don't have a bra that fits. AT ALL. I've outgrown everything I own. This might also explain the item above since none of my clothes fit over my chest. All suggestions for finding a bra are much appreciated, but FYI I've outgrown everything offered by Anita, Freya and Bravado (and the Bravado bras I'm wearing now on occasion make me super-nervous about infection because they just compress my breasts and make them really sweaty - way TMI, I know).
- I am a bit annoyed at my MIL, and I also feel guilty for being annoyed. She is nothing but kind and self-sacrificing and completely in love with TS and trying to do everything possible to make parenting easier for JD and I (occasionally in a passive-agressive manner. For example, she has told me repeatedly that I 'look too tired' and that she'd be happy to feed the baby all night if we just switched to formula ...). It's just that she doesn't really ask me -anything- about my parenting choices and having had only one child (JD) almost 30 years ago, alone, in a different country and culture, she's not at all up to date on American parenting obsessions. I want to just relax and not sweat the small details, but she does things like leave the baby swaddled on her bed, which has a very thick, puffy quilt (ultimate SIDS hazard when the baby is swaddled and can't move), she leaves the baby sleeping on her stomach, and she swaddles/overdresses TS to the point where she is so hot that she goes to sleep and stays asleep for hours (she slept through several feedings this way over the weekend, which also panics me about leaving her out of my sight). So I feel nervous/guilty taking her up on her offer to let me nap a bit or make a phone call because I worry about TS and I also worry about hurting my relationship with her and her bonding with TS by focusing on the little differences in parenting (I'm sure she has far worse critiques of my parenting, and thankfully she hasn't shared them yet).
- I had a nightmare that I was pregnant, and back at my high school, where everyone was congratulating a new father and completely ignoring TS and me. Which reminded me that my 2 closest high school friends (and bridesmaids a few months ago) have yet to call (and one did not even respond to our birth announcement e-mail - yes, she's infertile). I know it's the distance and their being busy (and they did both send TS delightful presents) but I wish that my friends would realize that I am going through a lot of changes now and would like to at least be in touch.
- Oh, and my computer is broken. I'm typing on JD's computer but may not have a computer this week while I'm home all week ...
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