In which we broach that topic and survive

Note: This may be a hard topic to read about. Please don't read this if you are not in a good place to listen to the genuine fears of a pregnant infertile.

I am still exhausted, but feeling a good deal more optimistic about the next 2 months. Even with the holiday, I managed to get a good deal done. I actually landed up sending my poor guests out to do the grocery shopping, but as a result we didn't starve. I also managed to bake some nice things for them to eat (which resulted in my first 'too high' blood sugar level yesterday night, but I think that's to be expected after several bites of a dessert ...)

And this morning JD and I dashed out of the house at 8 am to tour a child care facility. The tour and daycare were uneventful and although this place has a few clear drawbacks it would be fine to cover the 6 or so month gap in our absurd plans for the next 2 years (remember, I need to find 4 different daycare situations in 3 cities on 2 different continents in the next month - I'm trying not to sweat the details).

But as a result of our tour this morning, we finally had that conversation. The one in which we actually discussed the enormous, emotional, expensive decision we have both avoided mentioning since April (and that we obviously cannot genuinely make until we are sure that the wonderbaby will be healthy and not need anything above and beyond the usual love and attention. Should we have a child with special needs that will obviously radically change our plans).

But I asked JD on the way out when he though we'd be heading back to the fertility clinic. I know, I know - you're thinking that I am an absurd, whiny idiot. Here I am complaining about every little hang up of this pregnancy, the tremendous cost of daycare, the challenges of being apart, the risk that this baby will significantly limit my career options, and I'm already thinking about doing it all over again. But the truth is that we need to plan daycare and location and expenses for the next 2+ years, and I wanted to know what JD was thinking. And as unlikely as it is to matter in any way, I wanted to discuss whether we would be using birth control come January (there is some evidence that hormonal changes during pregnancy can temporarily limit the effect of PCOs, but that was never my only diagnosis) and I don't want to commit to being elsewhere if JD thinks we might want to be doing another round of treatments.

Oh, and the fact that the only way our life works at all is if I plan out all the details in my head in advance.

And JD's answer was everything you would expect: reasonable, well-thought out, cautious. He basically said that he was reserving judgement until he saw what life was like for us (read: me) with an infant.

The thing is that his answer makes me really nervous. I don't want to be worried about 'covering up' how hard the first few months with an infant will be. I don't want to have to paint a rosy picture of the transition if it's awful. And I know that's not exactly what JD is asking me to do, but that would clearly help. In my mind everything we have been through (which has been almost nothing, really) will be worth it to have a daughter. And it would be worth doing several times over to have another child. Even if it involves sleepless months and colic and more doctor's appointments and all the 'worst case scenarios' we might still face, it will be worth it. So in my sleep-deprived, emotional state JD's rational statement doesn't exactly give me the warm fuzzies, but on the other hand it's certainly not a refusal to consider heading back next January (the first time we'll be back together again after I recover from the birth, so basically the earliest possible date). So that's where we are now, and I really don't expect us to discuss it again until the end of next year.