I had an interesting conversation with Kate about how neither of our guys seems all that interested in taking the time to learn about fertility treatments. JD is fully supportive (emotionally and financially) of my choices, but he really feels like I am the "expert" on fertility treatments and since it's my body and my dream I should make the decisions. And by my dream, I in no way mean to imply that JD does not want children, just that he is a lot less attached to how many (although since we've had the fusspot he has changed from 'more would be fine' to 'we should definitely do this again' which is WONDERFUL) and a lot less aware of the risks, less worried about twins, less concerned about the emotional effects of a D and C or SR (should they be medically necessary) ...
But of course then I have to make all the decisions on my own. And while I love consulting my friends in the internets, it's odd to make such big life-altering decisions without ever talking out-loud about them. And I really wish I could just get him to read well-written, interesting things like Cecily's post on frozen embryos. It is certainly something I want to plan for if we're considering IVF, and something where I am pretty sure my plans would be different than JD's.
The odd thing about reading her post is that I also don't think I could 'donate' our embryos to another family, even though I think embryo adoption is wonderful and would absolutely consider it for us in the future. The odd thing is that JD and I are both fully on-board with a shared-IVF cycle where we would essentially sell/gift half of my eggs to a friend in exchange for help covering the costs of the cycle. This something we talked about a lot in the past and I actually have a very dear gay friend who wants biological children and might very well be interested. I really love the idea of the fusspot having some extra 'cousins' out there. The type of friends who send a card once a year and we bump into at reunions and other friend's weddings. Not best friends, not someone we see every month even when we're living in the same city (which we certainly won't be in the future), but good, long-term friends. I like the idea of helping a gay couple (although my friend is currently single and the embryos would land up on ice for a number of years until he is better-established and has a partner) to become parents (or anyone, for that matter). But somehow, I'm still quite sure I would not want to donate embyros to another family. To science, absolutely. And I also worry that if we landed up with a lot of embryos on ice, I would be perpetually pining after another baby (just like the woman in the linked article).
But it may not be that relevant, I've been leaning more towards injectables again. If it worked perfectly once, it's probably worth another try.
2 comments:
It took my guy a long time to get interested in exactly what was involved in IF treatment, and why I had misgivings about certain things and less about others. For him, it took spending the money and seeing me in pain from surgery and drugs. Then he wanted to know what we were shelling out our precious savings for and why his wife was going insane. Interestingly, he's now all gungho about learning about labor and birth and IF issues. He loves our birth class.
I've decided I don't want to do IF treatments anymore after our son is born. We have no coverage--and our savings should now go toward our other dreams (a farm, art projects, retirement and college funds). And if that means no more bio kids, so be it.
If, by some bizarre twist of fate, we did wind up with totsicles after having another child (and two is my personal limit), I'm not sure how I'd feel. Part of me wouldn't mind donation to another couple or science. Part of me, honestly, doesn't see 5-day blasts as children. Potential children, yes, but only that. So just letting them fade would be sad, but not traumatic.
But I haven't ever been at that crossroads, so I might feel very differently in such a situation.
Yeah, H is slowly, slowly coming around to at least sort-of participating. He still seemed shocked this morning (he just called to confirm the completion of "the specimen") that he would possibly have to produce another specimen again in the future. I explained that, yes, if we did IUI or IVF, he would have to provide a fresh sample each time. And I wanted to scream, "DUH!", but then I remembered how much more I know about this process than he does. I mean, I know he has rudimentary knowledge, because I've told him 100x, but I suppose it may not be totally obvious that a new sample will be needed each time. Maybe he thought they would store his precious gems for any future need. I don't know.
And yes. It is odd to make such big decisions. The only "decision" that H has made so far is that he is anti-donor gametes, and I bet if I tried hard enough I could get him to change his mind, since I seem to be calling most of the shots. But then again, I don't want to do that. I want him to be on board with whatever we do because he is educated and has carefully contemplated the decision. And I don't know if that will ever be the case.
As far as frozen embryos, that feels so distant from me right now that I really have no idea how I'd feel about it. I always wanted to have a big family, but age (and really, H's age), and infertility make me think that one is all I should have. So if I ever was in a place where I had a bumper crop to store for the winter, I guess I'd have to assess at that time. I don't know. You're right. It is an awful lot of pressure for one person to bear, and speaking it out loud would sure be nice.
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