delusional

subtitled: A little story about my morning. And don't worry, the ending is not a surprise.

I am going to sound crazy, but y'all can just blame the sleep-deprivation and snot-induced haze. This morning I peed on a stick. One of those sticks. I had this little fantasy in my head that just maybe it would be positive. No, I've had no symptoms.

And yes, I know that medically it would be impossible for an embryo to implant in a lining which has not been shed since February.

And I am still breastfeeding on demand. Round the clock.

And while I do believe in miracles, I don't think that the kind which disprove basic medical facts are all that common nowadays.

And while I have never had any cycle to speak of when not on drugs, my RE told me that some slim proportion of women have a magical window of opportunity 6 to 9 months post-partum.

And since all possible opportunities in the 6 to 9 month window have now been exhausted (something about "it takes two" and not actually living with my husband and all) if there were any time that it might be even slightly reasonable to test, it would be now.

Well, there was one symptom. I've been tired. Really tired.

And tired was actually my only symptom last spring.

So after dropping the fusspot at daycare I traipsed out to our local pharmacy. Where the women gave me a fairly deliberate look (we were in there last week for eye drops and it's a small pharmacy - fair to say she knows that my constant companion is of the 6-12 month variety). And I did my very best to shoot back at her a look which says "Yes, I have a baby but my husband and still have wild and passionate relations at least twice a day. We're fabulous like that, you know? And for that matter, my cycles are regular and I might just be able to explain away my potbelly with one of those adorable t-shirts that says "I grow people - what's your superpower?"" While I'm not sure she got the entire message, she did abstain from commenting.

And then I peed on my stick, set a timer for 5 minutes (you don't have to be that precise? really?) and was not in the least bit surprised to see only one line. I did check it every 10 minutes for the rest of the hour, but just one (control) line.

But my point is, the whole experience actually made me slightly happier. Not because of the result (let's just admit it, a second line would have had me over the moon) but because it was just. so. normal. Completely and totally normal. And the one time that -despite not having had a period in months- I could still pretend just maybe. Late? My cycle has been missing for about a decade and a half at this point. But this morning I got to play normal and it actually made me happy. And now I can go to the gym later this week with not the slightest question in my mind about whether it's safe.