The One Baby Wave (Or, preliminary thoughts on travel)

I love the scene in 'When Harry met Sally' where Harry is describing the demise of his marriage at a baseball game and he and his buddy are doing the wave. My baby does a one-woman wave on the train between NYC and City Y. Every time the train goes over a bump or round a sharp turn when her arms are not tucked in with a blanket she throws them up in the air and looks very surprised.

I think that if my chosen academic career does not work out, I can make a fortune writing 'The Authoritative Guide to Avoiding Stairs.' Stairs are the bane of my existence because I am using a basic Baby Trend stroller-base stroller when I commute because I occasionally need a carseat and it is incredibly hard to lift up flights of stairs. And, I always have my laptop, books for teaching, a duffel bag with a few changes of clothing for both of us and a stack of cloth diapers, extra blankets, wipes, pacifiers, and a bottle of frozen milk for the babysitter.

But, despite resigning myself to standing with a deliberately forlorn, pitiful expression at the bottom of a flight of stairs (about the equivalent of 3 stories) at least once every week, I must say commuting is going incredibly well. And in three weeks I have narrowed it down to a single flight of stairs (but that took hours of hunting. I have adjusted to taking different subway lines to get to a stop with an elevator, and I have discovered all the hidden ramps and elevators enroute). And to give you a sense of my commute: I leave my NYC-apartment at 7:10 am with JD, he carries TS's stroller down the subway stairs and we kiss good-bye, TS and I take the train to Penn Station, hop on Amtrak (4 elevator rides later - and those are the slowest elevators in the world), get off the train 4-5 hours later, hope on the subway, head to my office so I can run errands and prep for class (we leave the apartment at 7:10 am and arrive at my office between 1-1:15 pm), hope on the subway at 4:15 pm so I can drop TS off with my relatives. At their subway stop we either walk a mile, take a $10 cab, or wait for a ride, and then I turn around alone and head back into the city to teach until almost 10 pm. 2 days later we do the entire trip in reverse to return to NYC. Which is to say, we have a lot of time in transit and plenty of transfers.

So here is what I've learned thus far:

1. Changing the baby on your lap is a necessity. In my entire 6 hour commute there is a single changing table available. As a result, pack a full change for yourself. And cloth diapers last much longer without leaks than disposables. It's worth carrying around a wetbag of stinky diapers (wet bags are surprisingly effective at containing the odor) to avoid leaky diapers at inopportunte moments.

2. A very little known secret is that Am.tra.k in Penn Station allows people in wheelchairs and those with strollers to PRE-BOARD the train. This is such a secret that the conductors on the train are often surprised to see you show up before they announce the track number. But it really helps because I like to sit in the train car closest to the snack bar (this is critical when the train gets delayed and I need water, etc. to drink while breastfeeding) and a row or two away from the bathrooms (far enough not to smell the stench but close enough not to worry about carrying TS in her carseat with me to the bathroom. I then put the carseat on the handicap stall floor - not ideal, but it works).

3. NYC-subway workers will yell at you no matter what. For those of you who aren't locals, in NYC you have to catch the attention of the station attendant, swipe your card at a regular turnstile, then wait for them to buzz you in through the emergency exit when you have a stroller too heavy to lift over the turnstile. And no matter what, they will shout at you that you cannot either 1. interrupt 2. swipe your card before you get their attention. In a crowded rush hour situation they will yell at you no matter what.

4. Most people are very, very nice about a fussy baby on the subway/train/bus. If not, they will move away and that's just fine (I would have done that myself last year if I had a lot of work I needed to do). In fact, my only cringe-worthy travel interaction was the woman who almost ran TS and I over while speeding around a corner in a 25 mph zone in front of a school. Yes, we were walking in the street but that was because I could not lift the loaded stroller over the icy snowdrift blocking the sidewalk. And we were in front of a school so I thought drivers would be cautious. Having sped around the car at about 50 mph she then proceeded to slam on the brakes, reverse, and swear at me. I am so glad that TS lacks language skills and slept through it.

5. On the flip side, the traveling public feel the right to ask you every detail about your baby (age? size? gender? birthdate? type of delivery? frequency of travel? favorites?). The lovely Geohde has written about this extensively and I am just now starting to comprehend how annoying this must be with twins. They will, by the way, ask you these questions even when both you and baby are asleep or you are battling the stroller over a snowdrift or through a broken handicap turnstile in City Y. And, such polite inquiries in no way correspond to offers of help. In rank order the following groups tend to offer assistance (with stairs, getting the stroller over the train and subway gap, helping me reach things when I grab lunch enroute, with my bag, etc.): 1. young Hispanic men 2. middle aged white men. The following groups tend to ask probing questions and then wander off or stare as I battle my way through some particular obstacle: 1. middle aged women 2. younger women 3. old men. 4. creepy old men (Note the lack of overlap. And no, this is not meant to stereotype by race but I find it quite charming that so many young Hispanic men in NYC and City Y take the time to offer to help carry a stroller. Especially since in my neigborhood I have had offers of help from several young men who did not speak English).

6. It is incredibly annoying to carry a sling in your bag because it takes up a lot of room, but definitely worth it. Even though I only pull it out occasionally when in transit, it does wonders to calm down TS when she is feeling overwhelmed.

7. Everyone assumes that this is "baby's first trip" and we're off "to visit grandma." I am quite happy to explain that I am traveling for work because I both think that 1. Americans need to be aware of how entirely insufficient and pitiful our maternity leave policies are and 2. the alternative of being a SAHM does not work for everyone. [Yes, JD could probably support TS and I for a few years and we might even break even without our daycare costs, but my career is entirely unforgiving of women who take leave and I love what I do and would like to achieve as much as possible in my chosen career, so I am willing to take the sacrifice of lugging around a heavy stroller and occasionally grumpy baby to do it. Of course, I realize that I am incredibly lucky to be able to work at home and afford a part-time nanny most of the week so that I am only separated from my baby for 7-10 hours per week]. So no, please don't assume that just because I have a baby I have nothing else to do but visit relatives midweek in the middle of the regular work year.

8. The more daycare you can afford, the better. And professional childcare providers trump babysitters anyday. My relatives, who love TS dearly, cannot get her to sleep. So she is always overtired after her time with them. And my babysitter in City Y alternates weekly between failing to change her and failing to feed her (I do breastfeed her immediately before leaving). So when I leave class I can be guaranteed either a wet, leaky baby in need of a new outfit or a fussy, hungry baby. And, thus far, none of these situations bothers our little alien at all.

9. It is worth buying a cheap hand pump to carry on the road even if you own the awe-inspiringly expensive double electric breastpump. Those things are heavy and it's incredibly hard to clean the parts in public restrooms.

10. Baby gadgets are great, but not necessary. I often use the swing to take a shower in NYC. I of course have no such gadget in City Y. After a few very, very rushed showers while TS slept (my baby does not sleep alone for more than about 5 minutes) I decided to try bringing her into the bathroom with me. I put my nude baby on a towel on the floor next to the shower and watched with joy as she happily cooed at the shower curtain for a good 15 minutes. For all that she enjoys her rainforest-themed bright! happy! playmate with lights! and music! she loves the patterned shower curtain much, much more.

11. Pack many, many pacifiers. I have little ziploc bags with pacifiers in them in every coat pocket, duffel bag, purse, etc. They fall all the time, and a single trip can easily require 5 clean pacifiers, even though our alien is not particularly addicted to them. And yes, I just boil them and reuse them even when they have fallen on the floor of a public restroom, train station, gutter, etc. Thus far, no awful diseases have been contracted from this action.

So, those are my preliminary tips, combined with a healthy dose of ranting directed at my fellow travelers. I will admit that I have yet to meet another woman with a baby on either the train or my subway line in City Y, so clearly I am in the minority on my commute. But it is definitely doable. And now, when I start to panic about moving to Europe with a baby and sans husband, I can at least remind myself that I made it through one hurdle that my husband and MIL were highly dubious of (my mother of course knew I was stubborn enough to pull it off, and my father claimed not to see any obstacles at all to my plans for this spring).