More ramblings

Thank you so much for your thoughts on baby showers - I know that they're not a very popular topic in this community, and I really appreciate the comments. I love Samantha's idea of having JD host the shower - and it would definitely help the guys feel more comfortable showing up. And I definitely understand the benefits of having a shower/party after the baby arrives, which is more traditional in my community as Karen pointed out. The problem is that I will have at most 3 weeks post-birth before I start teaching a full course load in a city 4 hours away, taking classes, and of course writing a brilliant dissertation, so I'm nervous about waiting to have a party. Oh, and leaving the country for 6 months in June - isn't our life relaxing?*

I guess that the more I think about it, the more I am bothered by my family and friend's lack of emotional support. I know that I have complained about my friends in the past on my blog, and I need to be really careful to qualify my whining. I have incredible, wonderful, loving, non-judgmental friends. Sadly most of them don't live in NYC, but even my friends in NYC are great (remember the long list of people I told about our little secret during the first trimester because I had to ask them to run errands/do favors for me - it was a really long list)? And my family is also incredible.

The problem is that they don't seem to understand that in addition to a logistical and financial adjustment, marriage and motherhood are big emotional changes. I organized everything for my wedding, which meant that I spent most of the week and even day of the wedding following up on details and fixing problems (even though I did everything possible to avoid this - I typed up a long list of weekend-of errands and forwarded it to everyone involved with phone numbers and mapquest directions and all so that people wouldn't have to call me with questions - didn't work). I actually spent the time between the ketubah signing and the ceremony on my phone giving lost guests driving directions because I couldn't find any of my siblings/family to pass the phone off to.

And nobody asked how I was feeling/preparing for the big change. Yes, I know. I was hardly the blushing bride having both been dating/living with JD for 5 years and being resplendently pregnant at the wedding, but still. I didn't even have time to daven before my wedding because I was so busy taking care of other people, which just makes me sad. And I'm worried that the same thing is happening again. Yes, my mother calls every week to ask how I'm feeling and if I'm gaining weight and she called several times a day during the great bladder scare. But she hasn't asked how I'm feeling emotionally, nor has anybody else. I called three close friends the day of the big anatomy scan u/s to tell them the good news and only one called me back last week. I have a few school friends and one dear friend who lives abroad with children, but we are definitely the first of our crowd of really close friends to have a baby and both JD and wish that we had a better model for young parenting, for parenting in NYC without falling into the obsessing/overachieving trap, and for parenting jointly.

And I guess I'm slightly worried that my obsessing over the details of registering/shower/acquisitions and avoiding a c-section is a way to cover up my anxiety about being a mother. I'm not actually nervous about taking care of an infant. I'm from a community where big families are the norm and I have been babysitting from age 12 until age 27 (yes, 3 of my babysitting families e-mailed to ask if I'd still be babysitting in the fall now that I'm married. I said of course - I love spending time with these kids). I guess what I'm nervous about is the big picture: balancing indulgence and discipline, teaching kindness, raising a Jewish child given JD and my precarious relationship with certain parts of our religion, balancing my career needs and a kid's needs, maintaining the passion in JD and my relationship. And somehow I think that if I make my family tow the perfect line on these matters, they will also provide the rest of the support I need.

I remember when my mother told me that she and my father were divorcing (just to give you a hint that they weren't as focused on my needs at the moment as they could have been, I was actually in a hospital 8 states away on IV pain killers when they got around to telling me. However, I was 18 which ought to have been old enough to behave a little better) I shouted over the phone at her the most hurtful thing I could think of: "I'll never let you see your grandchildren." We've clearly made peace since then and both my parents are much happier remarried, but I still worry about my family not passing the bar, and sometimes they seem to be particularly behind the curve on manners.

I thought it was pretty standard for new grandparents and aunts/uncles to come visit a new arrival in the first few weeks. I know that we live in NYC and that involves either a 10 hour drive or a plane ticket for almost everyone in my family to visit (excluding my little sister who is a bus ride away), but my parents and siblings have both the money and the vacation time to do so. And yet, nobody has thus far made plans to come. As soon as my father found out that we wouldn't be having a bris, he told me that he'd come after my mother came and he'd stay for a couple of days because there are several exhibits in the city he wants to see. And my mother told me she wasn't sure about the expense because I'm giving birth so close to Christmas/New Years and she doesn't want to come too early and miss the baby. Although they are all obviously invited to stay with us (sleeping on an air mattress on the kitchen floor - we are such great hosts), for appropriate reasons they have thus far declined that offer. And my older sister told me she couldn't commit to anything yet but she'd try to make it to NYC 'before June' if she could fit it into her schedule (and that answers Tobacco Brunette's question about why my mother or sisters can't host a low-key event in NYC ...). My aunt told me it would be great if I 'drop by her house' (about 2 hours outside NYC) with the baby so she can meet her. And the list goes on ...

[In a little side note, I realized today that not a single one of my siblings gave me a wedding present. Yes, they all showed up (except one) and behaved very well, and it was great to have them there, but I do have to think that's a bit odd. I mean, I would have loved a nice card from my younger siblings who aren't exactly well-established yet, so it's not about money. It's just that sometimes they chose to forget all their manners and that's treated as just fine in my family.]

All of this rambling is just to say that part of me wonders if I wanted the big wedding (after telling JD for years that I absolutely would not marry him because of our theological differences, but I was fully committed to staying with him for the rest of our lives - he does adapt pretty well to my decision swings) and the perfect baby shower (and naming and kiddush) because I am attempting to create one of those perfectly coiffed Stepford-wife exteriors** for JD and I so that everyone will know just how happy and charming and blessed we are? I really hope not.

* All of these plans are of course conditional on having a healthy, happy infant. If that is not the case I will obviously drop all obligations to be at home.

** Along those lines, I have actually started a 'baby memory book' for the wonderbaby. I bought a very small scrapbook and made prints of JD and my first vacation together (age 19 and I had another boyfriend, but details) and our engagement photo and a cute wedding photo where you can see the bump and all of the u/s photos. Of course, my parents were way too distracted to do such a thing (I was not their first). In fact, they were so distracted that they forgot to have a proper naming for me until I was -13- years old.