Wasting time

26 hours until my next ultrasound.

I had no great expectations for the last scan and a good deal of fear about multiples, but I've been finding it really hard to figure out what I'll do if I can't see a heartbeat tomorrow. I know it's not that unusual, and there's no reason to think that just because we live in a fantasy world everything will continue dreamily along with no hitches. Part of the problem is that I'll be alone tomorrow. I also have an important meeting in the morning before the scan and a phone job interview in the evening, which wouldn't leave me much time to mope.

And I think I'm scared at this point because all of my dreams have gotten swirled together. Would the wedding be the same without a little bump? What about our honeymoon, which we are in the process of redirecting towards someplace safe and easy to travel in? How would I feel if I knew I had to come back to Europe in July and all of next fall?

The only symptoms I have to keep me going are occasional feeling in my nipples (it's not even pain, it's just that I have no feeling there normally so it's rather exciting to have any) and a bit of discharge. No nausea, no smell sensitivity, nothing else. And I guess a smaller bladder. It's a bit worrisome.

Update: I'll admit it, I just peed on a stick again. I know, I know, it doesn't really mean anything at this point. I could have lost the baby days ago and still get a positive pee stick. But I had an extra one lying around. And it did make me feel a little better. And in all honesty, before I resorted to a pee-stick I called and tried to move my appointment up to today. No luck there.