So our childcare search for NYC has yet again stalled. So we have two big problems: money and culture. Obviously this is not an easy post to write (and I do worry about offending my dear readers), but I'd love your thoughts.
When JD and I started talking seriously about children, one thing I was adamant about was that they would be raised as observant Jews. Kosher home, shabbos, holidays, the works. And JD shrugged and said fine, all his parents would care about was that the kids could speak Chinese. Perfect compromise, right? Except that JD works 60-70 hours a week so he's not around enough to speak Chinese to her. So we figured we go with Chinese-daycare, except the commute would be over an hour and involve the subway, so that's a no go. So we've been looking for a Chinese-speaking nanny or home daycare. Should be easy enough in NYC except that we also need it to be legal.
So here's where things get really frustrating. If we have a 'nanny' who comes into our home and watches the fusspot there, we are responsible for checking her papers, paying workers comp and unemployment, filing taxes, etc. So she needs to be legal. There are plenty of legal Chinese nannies in NYC (and we are happy with one who doesn't speak English which puts us way ahead of the super-wealthy looking for a little 'cultural enrichment' ads), it just turns out that they all want to be paid off the books. Seriously, three interviews in a row with women with green cards who then seemed puzzled that we would be paying them legally and thus they would lose their medicaid (and there is a bit of a cultural barrier here because many of these immigrant women just don't understand the benefits to getting paid legally). And while I understand that that choice sucks, it is their choice and there must be someone out there who wants to make two to three times as much (plus all the benefits like unemployment when JD and I move and have to fire them) for less hours in nicer working conditions.
If the fusspot goes into someone else's home, then suddenly they are running an 'illegal daycare' (even if it's just her) and we are no longer responsible for taxes, etc. - just like I never asked the stiff-necked daycare manager if he pays taxes here in Lalaland. And JD is seriously leaning towards this option because it is much cheaper (and means we can pay off our debt faster, not that our standard of living would change). But this option makes me a bit panicked. If we have a nanny in our apartment I can stay for the first couple of days and monitor the situation, I can drop by unannounced whenever I want, I can monitor the food the fusspot eats and what she plays with ... if she is in someone else's home I have no idea how much it has been babyproofed, whether the caregiver is watching TV all day (we really want NO TV - seriously, paying a lot by the hour, I'm happy for them to make the fusspot do quiet time alone when they need a break, but there's just no reason for her to watch TV, especially not adult-targeted programs), no idea who else will be around, etc. I do really like the idea of a SAHM who needs a little money and would also watch the fusspot - except we can't find anyone who fits that bill and the other 'home daycare' options are all older folks who need a job. And my friend who had a neighbor watch her daughter ran into perpetual trouble where either her daughter or the other kid were sick and the woman didn't want two sick kids ... or she had errands to run, etc. and would cancel at the last minute.
And here's what I really need to get off my chest: this process is beyond infuriating because both JD and his parents are last minute folks (remember, I just planned a wedding with them, I say this with confidence). And I am incredibly frustrated that they've had months to work on this and have done practically nothing, and even when a friend e-mails us a reference they will sit on it for days or weeks before picking up the phone, which is absurd when someone bothers to send us a name and contact information. And I really wish that I could just do the search myself but I can't. I can't because these women don't speak English. And part of me wonders if it is really worth it, given how much harder it is going to be for me for next year and the coming years. If you ask me why I care about the fusspot's religious education I can answer with lightening speed. I am proud of my identity and I truly believe it has given me a good moral code and worldview. If you ask JD what he's proud of about being Chinese, he usually shrugs. I know that doesn't mean nothing, but there are so many aspects of that culture which are a struggle for me to understand (just a little example, his family's utter bafflement at giving money to charity. Their attitude is that you help your family, and why would you waste money on people in natural disasters? Obviously that's not how we live, but it is hard to understand) and he just doesn't spend the time to explain them. While my religion has endless problematic dictates and history (to mention just one, its stance on homosexuality), I was raised to grapple with them. So when JD says I'm nagging him about finding childcare, I really just want to give up, say we're going with the usual Spanish-speaking nanny, and hey we can even do a nanny-share with our neighbors or good friends down the street.
I also feel like it is going to be me who pays the consequences of not finding a nanny - me who scrambles to patch together childcare for the first two or three weeks I'm back while JD heads off to work every morning. Me who is going to get only 32 hours a week of childcare and will put in the rest of my 50 hour workweek late at night and on Sundays (when my MIL is around) and anytime JD can be there. And me who will stay home with the fusspot if she's sick and we're in a home daycare that doesn't want a sick baby. And while I wish I could just tell JD I'm going to work the day after we arrive back in NYC and he'll have to take the baby if he hasn't arranged anything, the sad gendered-truth if it is that his job pays maybe 9 times as much as my salary next year, and so he really does need to go to work.
So what would you do? I don't to nag my husband and in-laws endlessly, but I do really want this resolved in February (because we'll be traveling and really busy from mid-March until we return). And I care more about the fusspot being in a safe, fun, quasi-educational environment than the total number of hours of childcare. But I do still need childcare, and the more we spend on it the less chance the fusspot has of having a sibling next year.
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6 comments:
Would it be possible to just go the Spanish speaking nanny route and sign her up for Chinese language classes/playgroup/something that would help with her learning about the language and culture? Perhaps you can keep your eyes open for a Chinese speaking nanny in the future, but for the time being, to lessen the stress all around, just go with what is available and what you are comfortable with. I can tell you that I wouldn't be comfortable with dropping the twins off at another person's home (unless they were a close friend/family member who understood our parenting style). Since you can afford it, I would go the nanny route. I'm sure that where you guys live that you could find some other way of encouraging her Chinese language/culture skills. Also, a nanny share with a friend/neighbor would cost less than your own nanny, right? So, I think that that would be a good compromise. (You can pay off more debt but she'll be in a safe, loving environment that you are comfortable with, and even better is that you would be hiring someone that has a history with a friend neighbor... So, you'll know that they are reliable/reasonable/caring/etc.)
I'm so sad that you won't be there when I come into town! Perhaps I can convince Dave to take a trip up that way this summer (he has family in NJ). :-D
I think Carrie has a reasonable suggestion about finding a nanny for now and going from there. I suppose it depends on what is more important: Finding a Chinese-speaking nanny or finding a nanny with whom you are comfortable. Also, I agree with Carrie that you clearly are not comfortable with a home daycare option--and I completely agree with you, by they way--so don't even consider that. You know what you want and there is nothing wrong with that.
I'm a little confused about the working legally/losing medicaid thing. Would they be making so much money that it would make the two mutually exclusive or is that just an additional misunderstanding? I know in D.C. I met someone who was employed at a military medical center and she told me she had medicaid which was cheaper for her to use than her insurance (due to co-pays). Granted she was a single mother of three so that could have been a factor.
In any event, it would seem to me that the burden of finding a Chinese-speaking nanny should lie with JD and your in-laws. If they cannot or do not find one, then you should do whatever you need to do in order to secure childcare that makes you comfortable.
Are you excited to be reunited with JD, have a two-parent household again, and live in the Land of Plenty?
Ugh. What a conundrum. I also have a Molasses Husband, and the only thing that works for dealing with him is to say, "Here is how I am going to deal with XX thing. If you want it dealt with differently, then you need to do YY before Saturday." It makes it clear that I am attempting to solve the problem, that I am open to his solution, but that I will not allow the problem to go unsolved (which is essentially what JD is doing by not being more active in the process).
As for language, H is adamant that his children will speak German. And I agree and am happy for that to happen. But this is HIS thing to worry about. I will encourage all efforts at learning German, and I will even attempt to learn along with the kids, but I will not force H to teach them. I will not be the one to "drive" that issue-- it is his responsibility.
I mean, would JD ever expect that he be the one to teach Fusspot about YOUR religious life? It's good that you're totally willing to support a Chinese nanny, but this is not your issue to manage. You need to be partners in decisions about child rearing, and you need to support each other, but ultimately, if Chinese language skills/culture lessons are that important to JD, then he needs to step up and make sure that it happens.
But then again, I'm kind of a jerk sometimes, so if my advice sounds harsh, just keep that fact in mind... If I were you, I'd set a deadline by which a JD-suitable nanny should be chosen, and if none is found by that point, find your own nanny, and find another way to teach Fusspot Chinese.
I'll preface this by saying i have gotten to know a lot of nannies in Brooklyn. I know what their concerns are and how the expectations of parents are sometimes just to high.Even for the most accommodating nanny(s)
Most nannies in Brooklyn are paid off the books,because in the grand scheme of things they really don't make a lot of money.You start taking taxes out they drop close to are below minimum wage. They have kids and households that depend on that income so it just makes sense to opt for no deductions in the rate they are offered.
Some parent(s) are very generous and pay by the week,pay 2 weeks vacation,health insurance,Monthly metro cards and yearly bonuses. Some are just down right cheap and don't employ a nanny long,because she has too do too much for what they are willing to pay. Most in the neighborhood i live in have impeccable references since they go from family to family in said close knit neighborhood.
Medicaid is a big deal for those who are considered unskilled workers. That medicaid follows the nanny from employer to employer so she always has it and doesn't have to worry about being able to see a doctor if she gets sick. Yes there have been those parents who paid for their nannies health care out of pocket,but i've only seen that once last year.Most nannies are SOL if they need emergency surgery,terminal illness treatment,etc.If a family fires her she looses any health insurance they may have provided and her next employer may NOT provide any. Then she has to apply for and get APPROVED for medicaid.
Nannies don't care about collecting unemployment in the future they are trying to survive today.
My advice hire the nanny who speaks Chinese if that's what you need. They have their green card so it's not like they are here illegally.Pay her in cash only so there is no paper trail back to you.
I have to say that Kate (as usual) is very eloquent in this matter! While the hub & I do not have the religious & cultural expectations of childcare- we do have our own criteria. I would also prefer a sahm type daycare situation, but one that I could be assured that is in line with our child care style. Since we definitely can not afford any option right now- it is why we struggle with our day to day on one income (mine- not a great one at that) so that the hub can stay home with pumpkin. We both know it's temporary & I dread the search. So I feel your pain preemptively.
That said- I agree that there are certain values that are more important to the hub- they are his responsibility. I have my own- separate from those we share. While we are both on board with each other's values- it is not up to me to enforce & initiate his 'deal'. I think that were it me- I would give the deadline of "find the childcare you would ideally like by X- or this is the solution I propose." And if a 'temporary' solution is the way to go for now- there really is plenty of time (and opportunity)for the fusspot to be immersed in her cultures.
And ps- that little city that wishes it could to your south is ~not~ all that far away... just sayin!
Why couldn't you go with a standard Montessori childcare? They're regulated, educational, high-end types of facilities.
I would have far too many issues allowing someone into my home to watch my child and even more to let my child go to someone's home for daycare. It seems like a bad idea.
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