Miserable

It's midnight and my baby is screaming her head off. In her crib.

Long-time readers may not know that my baby has never cried for more than 10 minutes in her life. She's just that relaxed a baby. And oh, I always jump up and fix whatever is bothering her.

But yesterday's dishes are still in the sink. I haven't showered yet on this continent or in the past 4 days. I had to put away some dinner leftovers.

I don't think this is going to be easy and I may not leave her for more than half an hour. We'll see. She does a modified CIO at daycare and her teachers tell me that she is routinely the only child out of ten not to take a nap in a day. She's been there for 6 months now.

And I really don't want to do CIO. I realize it works, and works really well for other families, but I just don't want to. But I'm also single parenting and living alone and I need to be able to do the dishes/laundry/e-mail/work in the evening. It's the only way our life works.

While I was in NYC JD and I had another conversation about why so many people we know put a photo of their child as their facebook photo. I agree that it's annoying and yet another reason I'm not on facebook (after not wanting my students to know about my personal life and not wanting to compete over how many 'friends' I have. Very few, and they're flakey). But I also think JD missed the point a bit. I think the reason so many people put their child as their facebook photo and otherwise seem to lose their own adult identity when they have little ones is that no one recognizes quite how much daily labor goes into raising children, especially the very little ones. My family and friends all know that I'm living over here alone, and yet I got absolutely no comments on how the fusspot is doing or what a well-behaved, well-fed, well-dressed child she is. It's all taken for granted. In fact, I still got nasty phone calls from relatives noting how slow I am to write thank-you notes or how I never call them. Relatives with grown children who have significantly more time on their hands than I do. And that is why so many people feel the need to push their child out in front of them.

I know it's not directly related but I do wish that a few of the people in my life realized that it's not all that easy to live alone with a one-year-old while working full-time (excluding my dear internets friends. Hi lurkers!). I never leave the house without either the baby or the breastpump with me. Never. And now I'm going to shower, and then quite likely nurse my baby back to sleep.

But maybe we'll try this again tomorrow. Or in a few months. I just don't think nursing her to sleep every nap, night and time she wakes up is sustainable. I read blogs of several woman who have done it but they don't seem to need to jump out of bed to do the dishes at 9 pm. My friend who never let her children cry also had a husband who came home and cleaned up and did much of her cooking, etc. in the afternoon. I need to work, and I want to spend every moment I'm not at work during the day playing with the fusspot (and she's only in daycare 4 days a week).

So we may just be onto a new era in parenting. I wish I could be there to soothe her and snuggle her and I love watching her smile at me as she wakes up. But right now I need to shower and do the dishes because no one else is going to do them for me.