I don't even know how I am going to explain what I did today to JD - the very person who is supposed to know me best in the world.
I bought baby clothes.
Not a single cute t-shirt like the one I found a couple of months ago. A huge shopping bag full. Newborn dresses, boys pajamas size 6 months, onesies.
To start with the obvious, I own a complete set of baby clothes. Washed and packed neatly in large rubbermaid containers in my in-laws basement. Even the washing of the fusspot's baby clothes prior to packing was a terrifying event. I remember when she had thoroughly outgrown her newborn clothes standing in the hall wondering if it was tempting fate to was them. Remembering that if something terrible happened to her I would want clothes which smelled like her (this was right around when the absolutely unthinkable happened on the Gorilla buns blog - she had a long post about unwashed clothing). Second, I am always careful to preface any discussion about Project 2.0 with "if we have another baby ..." I know we will grow our family at some point, but there is nothing at all certain about a baby.
I found the woman through an ad for cheap used baby clothes. And we bonded quite quickly when I took off my shirt less than 5 minutes after entering her house and she whispered with a naughty smile that she too is still breastfeeding her 15 month old (rather taboo here). And she cosleeps. And enjoys not having activities for her two toddlers. And then we hit treacherous ground. Because she was selling baby clothes after all. So I must have said something about her toddlers growing up. She talked and talked about how she wasn't sure if they were going to have a third child, she really hoped so, but given her age nothing was certain ... and of course she had kept her favorite baby items in a box but still she wanted another child ... but it was uncertain ... but she'd love another baby ... and she hadn't bought a single baby item before the first child because it was tempting fate ... and even though she was selling the bulk of her baby items she wasn't done trying to grow her family ...
And as I sat there sorting through 18 month size clothing I reached over for the newborn pile. Ostensibly for my friend who is due next month. But I'm not giving these clothes to her.
I truly don't know why. I know our chances are reasonable but not huge. 10-20% chance per cycle that I am allowed to go to trigger (which is far less than 50% on my track record thus far). Possibly a bit higher with IVF because they don't have to worry so much about how many follicles grow. Maybe I just want to pretend that I am a normal 28-year-old who can casually throw out at the playground that we'll be trying for another baby in the summer.
Or maybe it's because I realized while listening to the woman that there is no waffling in my plans: I want another baby. I want another pregnancy, I want another newborn. I am terrified of twins, I am worried of what another baby so soon would do to my career, I realize that both treatments and another high risk pregnancy will put stress on my marriage. I have convinced myself that since I felt great through the pregnancy and had an easy delivery the next one will be miserable. And despite all of that, I am certain. And because of that my heart is going to be broken if it doesn't happen, and one more bag of newborn clothes in the closet is not going to make it sting any more.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 comments:
It really sucks that infertility *so* defines the shape of our families. And it sucks that buying baby clothes has to be so wrought with angst, because that second (or third or whatever) pregnancy may or may not happen. It *would* be so nice to say that you're able to plan the second one, but as it clear in our case, planning (be it for #1 or #2) is so far out of our control. I mean, granted, we knew the risk and took it anyway, but there simply won't be a second pregnancy for us. I get one pregnancy, and it has to be an abnormal one at that. So yeah. I think often about what I always imagined our family to look like. I'm glad that it will ultimately involve more than one child as I had always hoped when younger, but I'm worried about the family dynamics twins create. These twins have caused us to cease any further waffling on the size of our family. Due to the costs (financial and emotional/physical) involved with fertility treatments, we didn't want to do this more than once, but we were still wondering about whether we would have more than one. This decides that for us. No more decisions about more kids, because two is more than enough for us, more than we expected out of this first pregnancy. Sad, sort of, to have that choice so decisively removed from the "game".
Oh, and I'm just superstitious enough that I haven't bought anything for the babies yet, and I kind of bristled a little bit when I got a gift this week from my MIL which consisted of several gifts for the babies (bibs, wash cloths, tiny teddy bears, etc.). It's been tempting to pick up a few things here or there, but really, it's just so early that I still feel weird actually believing that one or more babies may be coming home in seven months or so. Just strange.
I so feel you on this.
Popped in from the crème de la crème list.
That last paragraph is about me, it has just got to be. It's uncanny.
I developed an ebay addiction just before my daughter was born. I bought a second hand co-sleeper cot (you attach it to your bed) a while ago, even though my girl has long outgrown it. They're impossibly rare in my parts, and I had always wanted one.
Just like you say, it won't make a difference in the hurt if it never comes to use in our house.
Post a Comment