I somehow thought that I might have escaped those awful feelings of jealousy about pregnant women that other people write about so often. While I will admit to cringing when surrounded by a room full of bumps (which seems to happen rather often to me), even while cycling I was happy to babysit my friends' babies (I even found proof here in a post from March 10th 2008). And while I certainly remember the sting of opening my apartment door to find little toddler shoes casually tossed into my entryway, I don't remember it really getting to me.
Not today. I just read a bump announcement online from a friend. A friend whose babies will be less than a year apart. A friend who was actually one of three pregnant women at my wedding (me included) and the first to ask surreptiously at our auf ruf when we were thinking about starting a family (in retrospect I'm guessing she had her suspicions already). And my only friend IRL (of my generation, I must add) who was also dealing with fertility issues (repeat miscarriages). I really am genuinely happy for people in the internets who get pregnant. In part because I know what they've been through, and in very small part because I won't be seeing those babies at every party and wedding and my other friends won't start asking when we're going to "think" about #2 (if all it took was thinking we'd have a very full house by now ...). And despite a number of factors (including still breastfeeding), she just posted her wonderful news.
And I almost cried. So I guess I overstimated myself again.
And then I thought about it some, and the honest truth is that finding out I was pregnant today would be a bit unfortunate (don't worry, my husband doesn't even live on the same continent - you will find no surprise announcements here. And that is also not to suggest that we were not 'actively trying' before - as much as an anovolutary woman can). I would of course love to be pregnant again in 6 months, but living here with just my wee constant companion, while stressing about work, and theoretically battling a rather bureacratic health care system would be unfortunate. So what's my problem? I think it's just the perpetual fear that lightning will not strike twice, that I will never again be pregnant or that I will never again succesfully carry a baby, that we will never again be given such a healthy, easy infant. Kate posted yesterday asking about how and when her readers started treatments and I've been thinking about how to answer. Because honestly, starting IF treatments while we were both underemployed, living apart, soon to be married, and knowing that I would have to go abroad again was not entirely the most logical thing we could have done. And I think the short answer is just that the stress of not knowing propelled me to stomp my foot, grab JD's credit card, and dash off to the closest local fertility clinic. If I had a magic ball and could look into the future and know that we would someday be able to grow our family and it would all work out in the end then I think I would be quite thrilled to have this year to play and snuggle with my adorable constant companion, to nurse without worrying about weaning, and to concentrate on my work, but the fear hanging over me can sometimes be stifling. And even though age was not a factor in our infertility, every single doctor reminded us not to let age become a factor given all the other issues. So here I sit, jealous of a woman with 5 pregnancies and only one surviving daughter. Feeling both sad and disappointed in myself.
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5 comments:
I don't think the feeling will ever go away. It will just come back less frequently and more randomly.
I've been thinking about writing a post along these same lines (but I don't want to offend my IRL friends). I can tell my issues are worse than I am usually willing to admit...especially when I refuse to log into facebook unless it involves life, limb, or eyesight (literally, the last time I logged in it did involve a friend's death).
I'm at a place now where I think these feelings are normal because we in the IF community will probably never have the carefree pregnancy that so many others so easily accomplish. Maybe this new attitude will free me to have these thoughts without feeling guilty. Maybe, but it still sucks.
Rachel, I know that you've probably read similar things on my blog, and it's overwhelming for me too. Gosh, thinking about it now, I get nervous, scared, angry.... Somedays I still haven't accepted that IF is apart of my life. Other days it's a crushing weight on my shoulders, but at least, I feel like I've accepted it.
I think that it's also hard for me personally because none of my friends IRL have dealt with IF. A couple, albeit none close to me, have miscarried. Actually, one of the most refreshing experiences in my life over the past couple of years was meeting one of my husband's friends from highschool who was dealing with IF. She messaged me on myspace/facebook after I put up a status that was IF related, and she, my husband, and myself went to lunch. It was so amazing talking to someone IRL that knew what an HSG was or knew the ins and outs of IVF. It was heaven.... And, six weeks later, she and her husband moved to Boston, seven hours from us. Haha. Life's like that I suppose. But, I totally cherish my internet friends (like you!) that understand the feelings and experiences that come with IF.
I just wanted to say that I hear you, and I'm standing with you in this community of women battling mother nature. :-)
We'll get through this, and all of your feelings are normal, expected even.
Carrie
I also think about the what ifs a lot more than I think I would had we not gone through (our mild version) IF to get the pumpkin. I kept telling myself (still do) to savor each moment of pregnancy & childhood since it may be the only one. And I do savor them & she is enough right now- but there's still this thought somewhere back in the depths that pops out every now & then of will we want more (probably yes someday) and will I go through it all & maybe more? I'm sure I would but the knowing may make it harder & what will the stress of possible secondary IF do to the pumpkin... I try not to dwell too much now- it's just too much to think of. Maybe that's th downside to being too knowledgeable of all that might happen
I am constantly amazed by my own capacity for jealousy. And I worry about my crazy bitter feelings overwhelming my genuine happiness for friends sometimes.
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