Trying to keep the crazies at bay

Really, I am trying.

It's just that I have had four vivid dreams in the past week in which I start bleeding. A lot. Usually after I tell someone I'm pregnant. Dreams in which I spend time figuring out how to get home having bleed through my clothes and then analyze in detail whether the blood was red or brown. That's how I woke up this morning on the hard wood floor in the fusspot's room having fallen asleep putting her back to bed at 2 am. Good times, eh?

And it doesn't help that now that I am in the 2nd trimester (16 weeks or so) my appetite is gone. Seriously, have you ever met a pregnant woman who doesn't want to eat? I have been doing my very best not to skip meals, but I am quite sure that I am losing weight. And this is not a good time to lose weight. And as a result, my tummy is shrinking. Yup, definitely looked larger 2 weeks ago than it does. And needless to say, it did not help to read about 2 women who were finally "feeling movement" at this point. In their first pregnancies. That was one of the worst things about my pregnancy with the fusspot is that I never felt her move until the very final weeks. We were traveling around the U.S. and Canada on our honeymoon and dutifully checking in with my midwife every Friday to note "no movement" and every Friday she'd say, let's give it another week. And every gestational diabetes appointment the shiny-faced new resident would ask about kick counts and I'd glumly admit that I hadn't felt the baby move in days, and duly be rushed off to an ultrasound where they would note my beautiful, healthy, lazy baby (she still is). I know it's early, but still, no movement.

And none of that means that something awful has happened. I know that. We're science people (as I honestly believe all infertiles who have used treatments ought to be). But what's a girl to do? Well, I called the midwives. Um, four times. I have no idea what it is about NYC-midwives, but they universally have unfriendly, incompetent receptionists. I started with the ol' "scheduling conflict" in my ever-so-busy grad student schedule. No luck. So I went with the "I've had some weird symptoms" and was offered the pager number. The last thing I want to do is to page a midwife at home and tell her that my stomach is shrinking and I've had some nightmares so could I pretty please run in for a dopplering?

So I called again this morning. Fifth time. It turns out that there were no office hours at all on Friday or Monday. Part of the reason I switched practices was that I thought with 5 midwives in a practice (instead of 2 at our last place) and one designated for deliveries at all times, there would be more office hours and less canceled appointments. Not so much. All it has meant thus far is more conflicting advice as a midwife who hasn't met me yet tries to give me lab results and answer questions over the phone. So I finally took the first appointment tomorrow: a whole hour earlier than the appointment I scheduled in August.

Let's just hope I don't remember my dreams tonight.