is not always welcome. And it makes me so mad.
The Jewish community in my little town in Lalaland is tiny. Tiny enough to only hold services once a month. The fusspot and I walked in yesterday morning for the first time and literally the very first thing that the president's wife said to me when I sat down was:
"A bit oriental looking, isn't she [for a Jewish baby]?" (my translation, of course)
I wish that I had profound thoughts to share on the matter, just like I wish I had more profound thoughts on gender expectations, but the truth is that I am often just relieved that the fusspot is too young to understand what's going on. Of course, that's not exactly a long-term strategy for dealing with this. My grandparents were rather racist and I am well aware that racist people can otherwise be wonderful and kind. I also know that this community went through so much during the war and they feel extraordinarily threatened (as they will should) that they will be the last generation of observant Jews in Lalaland. And of course the fusspot and I were the only two people under 30 in the building. But it still just feels like a dagger-filled wall that is thrown up the moment we walk into certain places and I struggle with wondering whether we oughtn't to protect the fusspot by not placing her in such situations, or whether we ought to blindly flail our way through in the faith that we still belong in the community I was raised in.
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4 comments:
Wow. I wish I had any sort of advice for you- the hub & I do not have any religious affiliations, we consider ourselves spiritual not religious. It is a hard thing to face.
Personally I happen to live in an extremely racist section of a city that is (ironically) known for it's racism despite it's seemingly welcoming slogan. 15 year old kids hurl the racial epitaphs of their parents like it's saying 'hi'. I don't want my daughter raised to be like them- but does that mean moving? I want her to learn tolerance & peace & to be non-judgmental in the face of ignorance, maybe staying is better for that- despite making it harder on us as parents to teach these lessons...
Great food for thought!
I am sorry that happened to you. The worst thing you could do is to keep your child isolated from others in the fear that they might say something offensive. Both you and she need to feel OK enough that thoughtless comments can roll off your back and she will get her cues from you.
We were stand-outs too. We were the only religiously observant Jewish family on military bases we lived on throughout the US and in Germany. We spoke only Hebrew to our children and they were unable to partake of birthday cake at school in in their friends' homes, unable to participate in activities that took place on shabbat. Because we never were uncomfortable with it, the children weren't either.
Your child will catch your attitudes and when she gets old enough, you will be able to talk with her and help her understand that there are people who can be unthinking and/or unkind. She'll be fine.
Wow. I know that people are generally pretty blunt over there (to a serious fault, especially as it comes to appearances), but seriously? WTF does that matter! Fusspot is your daughter regardless of whether she looks "oriental" or not. It so doesn't surprise me that someone would say that, but it pisses me off that it was said anyhow. I mean, to be Jewish in Lalaland must feel a bit isolated at times, so if you've experienced that isolation, and you know that it SUCKS, why would you turn around and inflict that very same feeling on someone else in your community?
It's like how I don't get that Michael Vick didn't know that dog fighting was bad, and the excuse given has always been that he grew up in a hard neighborhood, impoverished, etc. and that it was just normal. But if you've been beaten down and treated badly, why on EARTH would you ever think that it's okay to turn around and be an asshole to someone else? If you've been on the bottom rung of the ladder, stepped on and treated terribly, why do you then immediately find someone far weaker than you (or in this case, completely defenseless animals) and treat them like shit? It just doesn't hold with any sense of logic, period.
So, I'd tell your president's wife that you know how it must feel to be discriminated against, and that you are sorry that she feels so excluded that she immediately finds the first person she can to exclude, so that she can feel superior, but that it's a little unfair to take it out on an infant. Maybe even point out that her words are powerful, but that if she wants your daughter to REALLY feel excluded, she'll have to use baby-sign, or wait until her spoken language skills are a bit better.
I'm certainly no expert in dealing with the blunt-types over there, but I imagine a little right-back-atcha with the bluntness might go over well.
Oy. That is really rough. How did you handle that?
I have a feeling I will be that confrontational mom when I have kids, even when it's a bad idea.
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