Contented Musings

* Disclaimer: Please don't read this if you are not in the mood for happy glowing.*

In part because I still feel like this pregnancy is tenuous* I want to record all the happy moments I've had in the past few days. I'm still stressed about school and nervous about things going wrong, but JD and I have been having a really great time together and I hadn't realized how much we had put off just enjoying this phase of our lives.

I also hadn't realized how much infertility had been a burden hanging over us for years. As I wrote in my initial sidebar introduction when starting this blog, I was diagnosed with infertility at a very young age. And JD and I were friends for a number of years before we started dating. In fact, it was the night before our college graduation that we went out to lie in the woods and watch the stars (very, very chastely I regret to inform you) and I confessed my two greatest fears for JD in terms of our relationship. The first I haven't written about here, but in short, I have a long family history of depression and when suffering from a bout of depression in high school I did some very dumb things. I wanted JD to know that. And I wanted him to know that I was infertile. Before our first date. We had been good friends for a long time and I didn't want to start dating without being upfront about my particular issues.

Of course we talked about these things very minimally the first couple of years we dated, although conversations with my sister brought the issues up as did my quarterly endocrin appointments. And I guess I never fully realized how much they had affected him until we started treatments. I wrote in the past about JD's lack of interest in reading medical articles or exploring our different options, but I'm not sure if I wrote about how unsure I was about his enthusiasim for this whole project (at this particular moment). He never talked about wanting kids or showed interest in other people's babies, and I realize now that that was all defense.

Since we left on our honeymoon, JD has been laughing and waving at cute babies. He's been pointing out different strollers and slings and asking all sorts of questions about what we plan to do in terms of parenting. We might just have chosen a name. He kissed my belly unprovoked for the very first time yesterday while he was waiting for coffee.

And for all that it's possible to create the (obviously false) illusion that I now have a double chin and that my minimally toned arms actually have about 2 inches of flab hanging on them (already!), I love this weight gain and I love having a visible bump. I'm not exactly sure why I would rub it (no itchiness, no stretch marks, no hair growth, nada) except to make sure other people noticed, I love being able to look down and know that something is going on in there.

I have always wanted children, but it would be a lie so say that I wasn't worried about having a 'third wheel' along on all of our future travels and dinner plans. Especially since we haven't had so much time as a couple with our crazy schedules and commutes. But I love realizing that it's no longer the two of us. We're already 2.5, hopefully to be 3 by the end of this year. And I feel comforted every time I realize that our little fetus is along for the ride. And on that note, photos from the trip (including the bump):

The view from our canoe:


More views:



The wonderbaby sees her first (and hopefully not last) glacier:


The bump in full glory (yes, I know it's immodest but I'm finally enjoying my curves).


Um, and that's only 22.5 weeks. I think it's a good thing I haven't passed a scale on this trip ...

*yup, no movement yet. And a few other little concerning things like I realized that I am sleeping through the night without a problem, even when I chugged a liter of water right before bedtime. Makes you wonder how big this insider is.