nyt's article

The last line of this article basically sums up my main concern about my new diet:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/02/08/health/08diabetes.html (from Friday's New Yo.rk T.imes he.alth page): "Dr. Buse said one little-discussed issue was the sheer stress of the treatment program itself ... “At some level I just wonder if some of them were just overwhelmed by this psychologically,” Dr. Buse said. “Could it be the stress of ‘I’m trying so hard, but I can’t get it done’?"

Oh, and the nauseous, listlessness, low blood sugar, inability to stay awake at night, inability to socialize over food ... I was trying to be positive about it. But even a 5 lb weight loss hasn't converted me.

trivial problems

specifically: what to drink, what to say. The good news is that I've actually lost a few pounds. The bad news is that I have no idea what to say to explain my crazy new diet. Today I had dinner with about 10 faculty members and one of them asked why I was eating such odd food (a full plate of plain lettuce and steamed brocoli, no dressing, no roll, nothing else - yum). And then commented on my weight loss later (not at all inappropriately, this is an exceedingly nice female faculty member who is always trying to be supportive).

Then, in my oh-so-exciting life, I got asked for drinks afterwards. I never was able to drink much in the past because of my stomach woes, but I'm quite good at nursing a beer. And at least in the recent months when I was avoiding alcohol (purely because of wishful thinking) I could have a diet coke. Now, with no caffeine, sugar, or alcohol I could order .... well, I guess a diet sprite, if I was sure they weren't going to substitute a non-diet one. Or a water. It's hard to go to a bar and order a water (especially when they always make a point of paying for my food/drinks) without raising questions. So what do I say?

Well, today, I caved and went with that truly awful, anti-feminist, stereotypical barbie-doll answer that I was 'dieting for my wedding.' Which is a joke. People who know me know that I'm pretty confident with all my curves, and the last thing I'm likely to do is starve myself to look pretty for a photograph. I bought my dress so it fits, and it looks good on all my curves. I cracked up when my photographer offered to airbrush away some of my curves. And I HATE that answer. But to explain that I'm 'insulin resistant but not diabetic' and thus on a new diet also doesn't ring so true, and plenty of these people could read through that. So short of saying I'm TTC, I can't think of any decent excuses. I have played it up a few times as 'My doctor is trying this crazy new diet to see what it does' (which worked great yesterday night at dinner when I ate spinach with a hard boiled egg and no-sugar dressing. Ugh) but I feel bad deceiving people, and I really do think there's something wonderful about being open about your struggles. This is an issue that needs awareness. But given that these are people who are invested in my career, which will clearly be affected by these decisions (not necessarily negatively, but scheduling-wise definitely), I'm not sure that they're the right people to be in on our 'dirty little secret.' So I guess I'll channel my dear stay-at-home-wife friend who waited till her wedding day to be kissed (really) and had to be sewn into her wedding dress because she hadn't eaten for weeks before the 'big' day ... we'll have to see what else my inner barbie doll can be useful for ...

a little sympathy

My thoughts are a bit rambling on this subject, but I figure writing them down might help. I luckily haven't had to miss enough school/work to be forced to tell anyone about our IF who I didn't want to, but I have told a small group of friends (Jim Dear hasn't yet, I'm not thrilled about that, see my post on my many 'dentist appointments'). Thus far, what has really stood out is that nobody really knows what to say, and more than just being awkward, they really don't get what a loss/struggle this is for us. Nobody has said anything even close to 'That sucks. I'm sorry you have to go through this.' The responses I have got fall into 3 categories. My friends with babies basically say 'Yay. Welcome to the mommy club.' Which doesn't always make me feel the best. My guy friends tend to squirm and say something along the lines of 'Good luck' and 'That's why you're not drinking.' It's my female friends who are the most judgmental, and I'm guessing that a lot of that comes from being in their mid-20s and having been overwhelmed with the idea that they ought to feel guilty about either not wanting kids or not wanting them now. Honestly, if we hadn't known about all these problems, I doubt we would have started TTC by now. But really, my decision is not a critique of their lives, and given how easily most of my friends have gotten pregnant, and how confident they have been that there wouldn't be any problems (3 friends got pregnant the first month they tried, one of whom also posted a photo of her with her home p. test THE DAY SHE TOOK IT on her blog) I don't see why they are quite so defensive. The questions are pretty in your face: are we really ready, is this a mutual decision, maybe we just aren't meant to have kids (I really don't get this one. No one told me I was supposed to have rabbit teeth when I got braces, and thus far I have to admit our IF has been a lot less physically painful than my 4 years of braces ... and thus far cheaper), and of course, have we considered adoption.

Um, people, think about it. I'm 26, unmarried, commuting between a loft and a one-bedroom apartment, neither of us have a stable job yet ... nobody in the world is going to hand us a beautiful baby to raise. I don't love it, but I understand why most agencies require you to have been married for a certain amount of time (although I hate how this discriminates against couples that can't marry), to pass home inspections, and to pay all the processing fees. And yes, if adoption is our best route to parenthood, of course we'll go for.* In about 5-6 years, when it becomes a possibility. But really, these people 'fix' all sorts of 'minor' medical problems and yet they seem to think that we should even try IF treatments.

The one thing I'm worried about is that the friends I have told, in an attempt to be supportive, are going to ask the wrong questions. The truth is that I already have a fairly substantial beer gut (don't worry, no new beer, it's just the leftovers from college hanging around my tummy) that happens to look just like my friend's 3 month bump and since I'm not drinking, etc. I get asked pretty often whether I'm p. At the moment, it's fine and I can just say no. But I don't want to go around telling people during the first trimester, so I have been trying to send some signals not to ask about it. I know we're a high miscarriage risk, and although I'm sure these friends would be supportive if we had to deal with something like that, I can't know in advance if I'll really feel like talking about it. But I also don't want to make them feel awkward because even if they aren't saying the right things, they're trying to be good friends.

* I would love to adopt whether I can carry a pregnancy or not because I want a big family and I doubt that I'll be up for IF treatments if I'm also caring for a child. And Jim Dear is open to the idea, but would rather we start with one of our own. And we don't have to fight about it because it's not an option in the near future.

the awful diet

Just a quick note to say that I have resolved to actually cook food I can eat, rather than go hungry. And I have brought out my most-beloved kitchen appliance: my extra-large crockpot. Yes, I know, crockpots really belong in the 1950s with hearty milkshakes. But it's incredibly delightful to throw some stuff in the pot in the morning and come back from the library in the evening to an apartment smelling of spices and meat (I wish, wish, wish I had a dairy crockpot but that is not to be for the moment largely because of shelf limitations ...). And I figure that most crockpot recipes you can just substitute more meat for all the carbs. For example, tonight I will be eating a version of moussaka which basically comes down to layers of eggplant and beef with some onions, spices, and a little tomato sauce thrown in. Tomorrow I think I'll make turkey-corn chowder (going very, very light on the corn, of course. maybe I'll substitute tofu ...). And then, after dinner, I'm off to a Super Tuesday party. I guess I'll have to bring snacks.

more travel tales and my diet

Things that do not go well together: travel and dieting. I realized on the plane yesterday night that excluding a long weekend in NYC after returning from Europe, I haven't slept in the same place for more than 2 nights in over 3 weeks (not all of that is my fault, Jim Dear decided we should 'get away' this weekend which involved 8 hours of driving over 2 days to a new city, but it was worth it). And as I was torn apart by airport security yet again yesterday night (and specifically as they pulled out my large array of pills), I kept thinking about the scene in James and the Giant Peach where the mysterious little old man shows James the magical worm-like things and tells him something to the extent of 'drink them up all up immediately and wonderful things will start to happen.' And of course, we all know what happened when James spilled the contents of the magical bag ... (I really wanted to grab my pills away from the idiot examining them and tell him something about my rights as a woman not to have my medical history put on display for the world, although in fact security was empty at the time). I'm genuinely shocked to find that IF treatments have made me an optimist, at least for now. I really do think there's a good chance that all this low-grade treatment will work sometime soon. Not so much Jim Dear who rather woefully remarked in the car yesterday 'This is the end of my life.' Oh well, at least he's honest. And clearly that's not his opinion all the time.

So, dieting. It's torture. My RE firmly believes that controlling insulin levels is critical for PCOs women, and especially during a cycle. So I cannot eat any of the following:
- caffeine
- sugar
- flour, rice, pasta, potatoes, carrots, corn
- alcohol
- and I've decided to restrict my salmon and tuna for the moment
Throw in the usual kosher restrictions, and I really can't find enough to eat. My standard day:
breakfast: 2 hard boiled eggs
1 chunk of hard cheddar (no carbs)
snack: apple, nuts
lunch: salad with tofu
snack: another hard boiled egg or unsweetened soy milk or berries or nuts again
dinner: meat, when I can find something kosher
otherwise brocoli, miso soup with tofu, more eggs

And here's the absurd part: I'm hungry non-stop and I haven't lost a single pound. Of course, I'm not actually trying to lose weight (since the whole point of this exercise is a condition which will necessitate weight gain), but it would be a nice sign that it's doing something. I simply can't think of enough things to eat. I can't eat out at all except for omelettes or salad because I can't eat meat out, and there are very few restaurants that have vegetarian protein options. Any suggestions would be much, much appreciated.

Also, a small part of me has to wonder whether making me feel miserable is really creating the ideal situation for this cycle. I feel nauseous about 1/3 of the time, I lose a least 1/4 of what I eat to upset stomaches, and I must be running really low on nutrients and calcium by this point. Of course, had I actually seen the doctor on Friday I could have asked him, but I only saw the technician and a very incompetent secretary who kept telling me that 'this procedure' required surgery. I finally threw a fit and they had to send in a nurse to mediate and clue her in. I felt a bit bad because she told me she'd only been working there 2 weeks, but it's a fertility clinic, she needs to be a bit sensitive.

just relax

I almost forgot. Right before my mother dropped me at the airport (at 8 pm, we were up and working on cleaning up my grandmother's place before 8 am) she said: "Remember, you need to relax. It's not going to work if you're stressed." Luckily, she's plenty clued in enough not to be saying 'Just relax' and you'll get pg. If 4 years and almost a 1/2 million dollars couldn't do it for my sister, my mom knows we need help. Nope, I actually do need to relax because my cor.tisol is sky high and that could easily thwart all these fine drugs going into my system. I'll try to squeeze that in sometime. Nothing like a 'just relax' comment to make you stressed. And of course, on the way out of the examine room, the technician said 'Don't forget to keep up that diet.' Great. I'm tired, hungry, and stressed about being stressed. Time for lunch, which will only cheer me up if I can keep it in my system. It's a good thing Jim Dear is meeting me for lunch, that should help a lot.

so many dentist appointments ...

1 mad dash through Atlanta's Hartfield airport got me (but not my suitcase which is still in transit) to my delayed flight which arrived at 1:15 am, which left my plenty of time to make my 8 am ... dentist appointment? So Jim Dear happens to work at a job with no vacation days at all. Not at one. They apparently accrue after 12 months, and hopefully he won't be there that long. But after getting phone calls from my sister all alone in her clinic with bad news and because I think we really need to be in this together not just emotionally but physically, I have decided that he should accompany me to appointments whenever possible. And since we're not married and all and this is a rather conservative place, in addition to the fact that he hasn't told too many of his friends or colleagues about our endeavors, we needed an excuse for him to miss work. Ta da: cavities, bad fillings, plaque issues, gum problems ... I seem to have developed a whole list of dental problems which have to be dealt with here. Cracks me up when his co-workers are so impressed that I'm willing to go out to lunch with them only 2 hours after having a filling done. And I really don't look that bad for having such rotten teeth. Plus, it gives us the perfect excuse if I need to bow out of some evening event - dental worker can be quite painful (I've heard, having never so much as had a cavity in my life). So at our 'dental appointment' this morning all the news was good: no follicles, thin lining, we're set for let.ro.zole in 8 days!