A little less rosy

I am trying really hard to stay positive and to focus on all of the wonderful things in my life at the moment, but it's getting a bit harder. To start with, I feel awful. Nothing specific, just exhausted. So exhausted that I barely got out of bed long enough this morning to see the fusspot and JD off before going back to sleep for 2 hours. My strong suspicion is that I am yet again severely anemic, but since I am this close to getting kicked out of the much-coveted birthing center (even though nothing would change about my delivery in the same hospital's L and D floor except no access to food, the baby being removed for weighing, shots, etc. and JD being kicked out of the hospital overnight) my current strategy is simply to avoid any further blood draws this pregnancy.

I am however seriously worried about being put on modified bed rest and thus trying to get everything possible done now. Even JD was a bit puzzled to come home and find me in the midst of washing newborn clothes a full 2 months before my due date, but I'm just worried that I won't be able to do these things later.

And it has become completely apparent that I do not have a support network. There was a good deal of drama at my in-laws over Christmas, and I was initially blamed for being "overly critical," although apparently when the fight developed that wasn't really at the core of the issues anyway. And it certainly is a fair criticism, but I had already endured a full 2 days of being told to relax about the fusspot's bedtime yet equally criticized for her "terrible twos" (yes, if you keep a toddler up until 11 pm 3 nights in a row her behavior deteriorates rapidly), I was yet again criticized for not feeding my baby enough salt (seriously, folks. And intriguingly even on Wednesday afternoon when my two year old had just had her very first McDonalds lunch thanks to a daycare outing) and told that hopefully I wouldn't have any breastfeeding issues this time or would at least turn to formula because the fusspot's speech delay was probably a result of my breastfeeding (yup. true. little known fact that breastfeeding a newborn promotes speech delays ...). And as ever I blame JD because he is the one who needs to mediate between my in-laws and me, to chose what to strategically translate and how, etc. Even he threatened to leave after the fusspot yet again climbed out of her toddler bed and I quietly suggested we just resurrect the crib (I won't even go into the details of my discovery that the fusspot could reach 2 uncovered outlets from her toddler bed for the whole week of Thanksgiving ...)

And of course, after everything was calmed down I made the mistake of mentioning to my in-laws that we'd love them to come into the city and take care of the fusspot overnight when I go into labor. The short and completely unexpected answer from them: no way. Apparently they feel very strongly that the best thing is for them to collect the fusspot from NYC and take her out to their house (about 2 hours away) for at least a week when I deliver. I know that they mean the very best for me, but not only do I hope to feel well enough to care for the fusspot post-partum (and certainly have plenty of paid babysitters on call to help that week plus her regular daycare, 3 sets of friendly neighbors, my own mother planning to fly in), I just think that it would be awful for the fusspot's transition to big sister to be sent out with no notice (at least for Thanksgiving we could spend weeks talking about her big trip and getting her ready) and then return to a new sibling firmly ensconced in the apartment, plus I am bound to be hormonal and will certainly want my little girl around. So needless to say calling 24-hour babysitting agencies has been added to the "to do pre-baby" list. I understand that their stance comes from wanting the best for me (and honestly from a completely different concept of the parent-child bond. JD was raised mostly by his grandparents, after all) but you'd just think that in this situation you would smile and nod and agree to whatever crazy scheme your one and only daughter-in-law has in her head.

Which is also how I feel about my family. They are being absurd. Yes, our thank you notes for the fusspot's birthday presents are late. No, I don't need a reminder. No, I don't need a reminder to e-mail out photos. I will do it when I have time. It is as if all of them have collectively forgotten that:
a. I have feelings
b. I am tired and busy and working full-time while caring for a toddler alone every weekday

Just a little example, but one that I am still pissed about. Some of our relatives came to visit 2 weeks ago and of course the conversation turned to the dreaded bris. I did not actually expect either of these relatives to show up (even though they both live quite close to the city) and so to try and be nice I said something like "We'll of course be busy that day so I understand if you'd rather come meet the baby another day." And the one turns to me and says "Oh, I've seen plenty of circumcisions when I worked in the hospital and wouldn't dream of wasting my time commuting to come to your sons'." Which does make it clear that she won't be here and all, but seriously? This is a ceremony that holds a lot of meaning for us, the bargain baby's parents, and you'd think that there would be the slightest attempt to be respectful of that. It's not about a minor medical procedure. It is about our sharing our religious intentions for the baby with friends, welcoming the baby into a particular community, honoring a recently deceased relative (with the name). Since this is a relative who is a good deal older, she certainly grew up with the same stories I did of relatives lost in the Shoa, of the importance to holding onto a few key traditions, of the importance of community and I just find the attitude so completely disrespectful. How hard would it be to say "Yeah, I'd prefer to come someday I can be the only visitor than when you have a lot of friends over" or "Probably can't get off from work last minute, even for an hour"?

And then there's the whole mentally preparing for the post-partum time, and I just have to remember: paid help is always better. I don't really know why, but I don't have the type of friends in the city who would offer to bring over a meal or call and ask if I need anything. And our synagogue is way too disorganized for that. JD and I found it rather funny that despite a million admonitions to never visit a post-partum woman sans food, the only item of food which was brought by any of our many, many visitors in the 2 weeks post-partum with the fusspot (and remember not only did JD go back to work less than 24 hours after her birth but I was a first-time mom) was a bottle of pomegranate juice brought by a delightfully clueless single male friend. I have also grown apart from many of my close friends since we are by far the first in our crowd to have kids. In fact, of my 4 bridesmaids, I only told 3 of them I was pregnant in their Christmas cards (and the 4th was my sister). Honestly because it's awkward and I don't think they'll have much to say (and they haven't). Long-time readers may recall that our wedding was a short 2.5 years ago, so it's not like we've grown apart naturally over the years ...

I guess part of me wonders exactly what I did wrong. Certainly one easy thing to fix is to move to another synagogue, one that is more organized, has better toddler activities. And part of it can easily be blamed on NYC: JD's two good high school friends both live 1.5 hours away in the city, so I hardly expect them to e-mail and offer to come over with dinner. I have 2 good friends with children who live in Queens so it's not exactly feasible for them to hop on the subway for an hour and drop by to visit. But having a newborn in the city was so isolating last time, and I expect it to be even more so this time given the hassle of getting anywhere, probably not wanting to take the subway or a bus for the first 2 or 3 weeks, etc. And then a part of me thinks that it must just be me: I must be doing something wrong to not build the type of friendships where someone would offer to watch my baby when I go into labor, where a single IRL friend would write and ask how I'm doing with this pregnancy, where anyone would share the excitement. I do have 4 very close friends (3 with families, one very much hoping to have a family soon), but none of them even live in the United States and it's so hard to find time to communicate across different time zones, etc.

And of course, all of that makes me even more worried about PPD and such.

Needless to say, not such a rosy blog post today.