sweet, but disturbing

In the past week my mother, MIL, nanny, and cousins (who we stay with in City Y) have all told me that TS either calms down or gets worked up when she hears my voice. This is always said in such a positive tone: "Look, she's crying now that she knows mommy is around and not feeding her" or "Look, she stopped crying when you started talking across the room."

And here I was thinking we wouldn't have to face separation anxiety for months and months.

I am personally more than a bit skeptical that TS can recognize me. I mean, the girl still can't find her own thumb ... But it's still making me feel guilty already. It's snowing in NYC so I called our nanny and told her to take a snow half-day and come in a bit later, and TS and I spent 3 hours curled up on the couch breastfeeding and napping (her) and reading and stressing about finishing work (me). And now the nanny is here and TS is screaming in the living room while I try my best to concentrate on work.

I think 99% of parents would be glad to know their baby can recognize them, but I'm not sure I'm up for the guilt yet (and really, we spend so much time together already).

And maybe some of this guilt is coming from the sudden realization yesterday that I'm probably not going to be able to pump enough to keep her on breastmilk when she starts daycare at six months. She can get plenty to eat when I nurse her, but I can no longer pump more than about 3 ounces at a time, and if I'm living alone and working, it's going to be really hard to find enough time to pump more than a couple times a day. I know she will be fine with formula and that six months of exclusive breastfeeding is a nice goal, but its still depressing (especially since I started with such oversupply issues). Oh well - I'm off to play in the snow (otherwise known as going to meetings and running errands) and hopefully TS will cheer up once I'm gone.