Where in the world is -

Options:
a. In NYC, attending the 2nd week of classes
b. Out of the country, doing research
c. 945.52 miles (according to mapquest) away from my cozy NYC apartment with Jim Dear and my RE
d. none of the above

d. My grandmother died last week (while I was in Europe) and I, the most dutiful daughter ever, have come to help my mother cope and to pack up my grandmother's apartment before the lease runs out. I spent quite a while with my grandmother before I went to Europe and I was able to be here when she was still lucid and talking, so I don't actually feel too bad about missing the end (she died at home, less than 3 months after a cancer diagnosis), but it's still tough to be here.

And of course, after promising to myself that I wouldn't, I let slip to my mom that we've started more involved treatments. It's not that she won't be supportive, it's just that I'm worried she'll be way too invested in the outcome and far less optimistic about it. Which is fair given that she watched my sister go through 4 years of IF treatments without a baby. And then losing her husband, but that's another story. And she's clearly thinking about it. She asked me twice about adoption after dinner. And of course she worries about the cancer risk from all these drugs. But I guess I thought it might cheer her up, and truly it didn't seem to at all. Come on, I'm 26, we could easily decide to wait another 5 years to start trying if our priorities were different, and it would be totally normal [That is in no way at all a critique of those of you who are waiting, it's just about why we've decided to take such a crazy course. It really was a rational decision for us about different potential outcomes for our careers and leaving time to try several drugs before IVF and even take a break for a year if we need to at some point]. I guess it's great that my family has already dealt with this and that they will all be supportive in the long run (and both of my parents have offered to help us financially with the treatment) but I kind-of wish we could also share a little enthusiasm.

Which brings me to something that I've really been wanting to post about: the little bubble we live in. Sometimes, especially after actually talking to other people, I think we're kind-of crazy: we commute almost 1000 miles to see each other, we don't have a very stable life at the moment, our incomes will increase substantially in the near future and we could clearly wait till then, I'm super busy with school, we're getting married soon and I really don't want to waddle down the aisle (or at least if I do I want it to be clear why - what I don't want is to be 3-4 months along and just look fat), our usual stuff ... and all I can say is that I'm so happy that we're actually doing something about IF. This is really something that has been hanging over me for years and years. And it's odd because I certainly don't honestly believe that things will work immediately and I'm not the one to count months and imagine what maternity wear will look like next fall, but still, it's great to know that I could actually have a baby next year. Or the year after. And it makes me really happy that we've actually started.