Monday, January 12, 2009
Please send your love
Tobacco Brunette and her son Owen are currently in the hospital. Owen will be undergoing open heart surgery in the coming weeks. Please click over and send your love.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Milk everywhere
On my shirt, in my hair, on the couch, in our bed, on the floor ... we definitely have a spitter. And unfortunately the spit-face looks awfully like the poo-face so I often set TS down thinking she's just working on something, only to see that it's not the type of mess to be contained in her sporty-cloth diapers ...
The breastfeeding is going well, although I'm worried that TS has somehow hit her 6-week growth spurt way early because she has been eating non-stop for the past 48 hours. I didn't even realize it except that I had a friend staying with us for the weekend and he was pretty horrified at how much she was eating (through an entire scrabble game, for example). She has gotten quite efficient when she wants to be (although not speedy) but she reverts to her earlier feeding habits between about 3:30 and 6 am.
In the wee hours of the morning TS likes to participate quite actively in her feedings. She will get rather aggressive, pounding her fists into my breasts, sometimes alternated with patting them very nicely as if trying to set up some type of super-sneaky trap for them. And she also likes to jerk her head widely back and forth as if she was involved in a ferocious hunt for some sustenance ... her efforts are however a good deal less convincing given that she only starts the hunt after the prize is securely deposited in her mouth. After several minutes of wild thrashing, pounding, and grunting, she will suddenly realize that her meal is waiting just where it should be, and then very distinctly raise her eyebrows as it to say "Oh, that's where it is." It's quite adorable.
ps - We might get to find out how much she weighs this week. I got a rather disturbing call from a state official to tell me that my PKU lab results couldn't be read and they need to be redone ... at 4:45 pm on Friday afternoon, of course.
The breastfeeding is going well, although I'm worried that TS has somehow hit her 6-week growth spurt way early because she has been eating non-stop for the past 48 hours. I didn't even realize it except that I had a friend staying with us for the weekend and he was pretty horrified at how much she was eating (through an entire scrabble game, for example). She has gotten quite efficient when she wants to be (although not speedy) but she reverts to her earlier feeding habits between about 3:30 and 6 am.
In the wee hours of the morning TS likes to participate quite actively in her feedings. She will get rather aggressive, pounding her fists into my breasts, sometimes alternated with patting them very nicely as if trying to set up some type of super-sneaky trap for them. And she also likes to jerk her head widely back and forth as if she was involved in a ferocious hunt for some sustenance ... her efforts are however a good deal less convincing given that she only starts the hunt after the prize is securely deposited in her mouth. After several minutes of wild thrashing, pounding, and grunting, she will suddenly realize that her meal is waiting just where it should be, and then very distinctly raise her eyebrows as it to say "Oh, that's where it is." It's quite adorable.
ps - We might get to find out how much she weighs this week. I got a rather disturbing call from a state official to tell me that my PKU lab results couldn't be read and they need to be redone ... at 4:45 pm on Friday afternoon, of course.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Argh
I was going to post the birth story today, really. But JD just called about an hour ago to say his parents are -at this very moment- enroute to our apartment to see the fusspot. And I did not make it to bed at all yesterday night (TS and I slept propped on the couch/floor because she was rather gassy and projectile spitting for a good part of the night ...). Oh, and another very close friend is flying in to NYC and staying with us for the weekend. So, so busy.
Wish me luck as I try to sweep up/hide/disguise all of our friendly dust bunnies in under an hour ... and take out a week's worth of trash ... fold the laundry ... wash the baby's clothes ... dishes ... um, dinner, I guess ...
Wish me luck as I try to sweep up/hide/disguise all of our friendly dust bunnies in under an hour ... and take out a week's worth of trash ... fold the laundry ... wash the baby's clothes ... dishes ... um, dinner, I guess ...
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Realization
It's going to sound silly to say, but I feel much better realizing that my extreme moodiness and frustration are just a mild form of the 'baby blues' (why do books refer to it that way instead of PPD - is it just that the word depression is too taboo?). I have not been feeling the best, but at least now I know what I'm dealing with and have started to make plans (and this was after all something we thought quite likely). For now, no meds given my bad experiences in the past, but here's the action plan:
- I need to be much clearer with JD about when I need help. He left work super-early yesterday night because he had a migraine, and the moment he walked in the door I handed him the baby and told him I need to go out for a walk and I'd be back later (the rush was that I had of course just finished breastfeeding and needed to take advantage of the break).
- Must leave the apartment/exercise every day. This is rather challenging because I am both supposed to a. avoid crowded places with the fusspot b. not keep her outside too long (and c. not go for long walks alone in our neighborhood after JD gets home - it's not that safe). But I will be exercising/going out more.
- Stop comfort eating non-stop. I've been gaining weight, and it doesn't look good (yes, still below my pre-TTC weight but looking much worse for the wear). So I'm limiting my desserts/carbs/sugar. Ugh. At least till I can exercise more ...
- Not feeling guilty about the nanny. It's a big expense given our budget, but I really do need to get work done in order to keep up with my classmates and be ready for spring term. And I will not feel guilty about it, or the decision to delay bottles another 2 weeks on the advice of our LC (which means about 1/2 the time she's here the nanny is just hanging out, waiting for me to finish breastfeeding).
- Simply let go of the fact that most of my friends don't seem to want to acknowledge/meet TS, and that none of them really stepped up to the plate as expected. I have been reading all sorts of parenting books which suggest making lists of food/errands/household tasks you want done while you're caring for a newborn. And I realized not a single friend has offered to bring over a meal or help out. Oh well, no point in dwelling on that (and yes, my 2 close friends with babies were both out of town for the holidays so they are thoroughly excused).
And some great things:
- TS has a sleep routine at night, and it's fine. Feedings at 10:30/11 pm, 1 am, 3:30 am (this feed takes up to 1.5 hours - no idea why), 6:30/7 am and then a fabulous nap from 9 am to 11 am
- She SMILES a lot. And laughs. Not a social smile (i.e. not in response to any cues we can discerne) but it's very cute. And occasionally she will grin and roll her eyes back in her head, which is very, very creepy at night (she's also somewhat cross-eyed but the pediatrician thinks it will clear up on its own).
- TS outgrew her newborn clothes. All of them. In the past week. They fit last week, they don't fit now. I know it's partially the cloth diapers, but its definitely a sign she's growing.
- Our nanny is great. Calm, happy to sit in a chair and rock TS for an hour or more. Easy to get along with for me. Not at all judgemental about my delay on starting bottles of EBM or dealing with cloth diapers, the filthy state of my apartment, dealing with a kosher kitchen, etc. I mean, I knew this (she's been caring for my friend's kids for months now), but it's still great.
- I need to be much clearer with JD about when I need help. He left work super-early yesterday night because he had a migraine, and the moment he walked in the door I handed him the baby and told him I need to go out for a walk and I'd be back later (the rush was that I had of course just finished breastfeeding and needed to take advantage of the break).
- Must leave the apartment/exercise every day. This is rather challenging because I am both supposed to a. avoid crowded places with the fusspot b. not keep her outside too long (and c. not go for long walks alone in our neighborhood after JD gets home - it's not that safe). But I will be exercising/going out more.
- Stop comfort eating non-stop. I've been gaining weight, and it doesn't look good (yes, still below my pre-TTC weight but looking much worse for the wear). So I'm limiting my desserts/carbs/sugar. Ugh. At least till I can exercise more ...
- Not feeling guilty about the nanny. It's a big expense given our budget, but I really do need to get work done in order to keep up with my classmates and be ready for spring term. And I will not feel guilty about it, or the decision to delay bottles another 2 weeks on the advice of our LC (which means about 1/2 the time she's here the nanny is just hanging out, waiting for me to finish breastfeeding).
- Simply let go of the fact that most of my friends don't seem to want to acknowledge/meet TS, and that none of them really stepped up to the plate as expected. I have been reading all sorts of parenting books which suggest making lists of food/errands/household tasks you want done while you're caring for a newborn. And I realized not a single friend has offered to bring over a meal or help out. Oh well, no point in dwelling on that (and yes, my 2 close friends with babies were both out of town for the holidays so they are thoroughly excused).
And some great things:
- TS has a sleep routine at night, and it's fine. Feedings at 10:30/11 pm, 1 am, 3:30 am (this feed takes up to 1.5 hours - no idea why), 6:30/7 am and then a fabulous nap from 9 am to 11 am
- She SMILES a lot. And laughs. Not a social smile (i.e. not in response to any cues we can discerne) but it's very cute. And occasionally she will grin and roll her eyes back in her head, which is very, very creepy at night (she's also somewhat cross-eyed but the pediatrician thinks it will clear up on its own).
- TS outgrew her newborn clothes. All of them. In the past week. They fit last week, they don't fit now. I know it's partially the cloth diapers, but its definitely a sign she's growing.
- Our nanny is great. Calm, happy to sit in a chair and rock TS for an hour or more. Easy to get along with for me. Not at all judgemental about my delay on starting bottles of EBM or dealing with cloth diapers, the filthy state of my apartment, dealing with a kosher kitchen, etc. I mean, I knew this (she's been caring for my friend's kids for months now), but it's still great.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
blah
Is pretty much how I feel again today. Perhaps this explains something ...
JD: "I liked you better before we had a baby."
And 99% of me wanted to just say of course, I wasn't over-tired, I had more time for you, we had adult conversations and I had work every day, I did a better (but still barely passable) job of keeping the apartment in order and cooking occasionally ... but there's still that part of me that wanted to ask if he isn't going to appreciate that I am caring for a baby?
Of course, he realizes that I'm pissed and has been apologizing non-stop, but I'm not sure that makes it less true.
JD: "I liked you better before we had a baby."
And 99% of me wanted to just say of course, I wasn't over-tired, I had more time for you, we had adult conversations and I had work every day, I did a better (but still barely passable) job of keeping the apartment in order and cooking occasionally ... but there's still that part of me that wanted to ask if he isn't going to appreciate that I am caring for a baby?
Of course, he realizes that I'm pissed and has been apologizing non-stop, but I'm not sure that makes it less true.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Feeling down on a Sunday night
Both JD and I are feeling down tonight. Of course, he improved his mood by going out for 2 hours (I'll concede he was running an errand for me, but still ...). The baby is doing better than ever and we had a very relaxing weekend at JD's parents, but still there are a few things wearing on me:
- I'm starting to work again on Tuesday. This Tuesday. Less than 4 weeks post-partum. Wait, before you extend your deepest sympathies, let me assure you that our 'nanny' is coming over to my apartment for 3 hours and I'll be hiding in the bedroom (probably napping, honestly) while she takes the baby during her fussiest time - not exactly an awful situation by any standards. We won't start a full day till next week, and since I'm still not up for bottles, I'll be home at least every 2 hours and probably home and hiding the full day. I know, having the luxury of hiring someone to come help with TS in my own home on my own schedule is hardly tough, but despite my control over the location and schedule, the truth is that the deadlines are piling up and I need to get some work done.
- I'm worried that my right breast is giving out (or maybe my left breast just massively over-produces?) I get about 1/4 out of the right as the left when I pump, regardless of which side I've feed on most recently. Of course, since I get about 4 oz. from the left side, my sense of 'normal' might just be off.
- I think I need to diet. While I lost a ton of weight within a week of giving birth (squeezing into my stretch jeans 7 days post-partum) ... well ... as predicted, my weight has started to rise again. And more importantly, my face is looking noticeably plumper since I reintroduced food into my diet. The stomach is down to its normal, healthy 'average beer gut' size but I don't look good. And since I can't get enough exercise when the weather is cold (because I don't want to keep the baby outside too long), I may have to diet (oh, and not having a bra but more on that later ...)
- I don't have a bra that fits. AT ALL. I've outgrown everything I own. This might also explain the item above since none of my clothes fit over my chest. All suggestions for finding a bra are much appreciated, but FYI I've outgrown everything offered by Anita, Freya and Bravado (and the Bravado bras I'm wearing now on occasion make me super-nervous about infection because they just compress my breasts and make them really sweaty - way TMI, I know).
- I am a bit annoyed at my MIL, and I also feel guilty for being annoyed. She is nothing but kind and self-sacrificing and completely in love with TS and trying to do everything possible to make parenting easier for JD and I (occasionally in a passive-agressive manner. For example, she has told me repeatedly that I 'look too tired' and that she'd be happy to feed the baby all night if we just switched to formula ...). It's just that she doesn't really ask me -anything- about my parenting choices and having had only one child (JD) almost 30 years ago, alone, in a different country and culture, she's not at all up to date on American parenting obsessions. I want to just relax and not sweat the small details, but she does things like leave the baby swaddled on her bed, which has a very thick, puffy quilt (ultimate SIDS hazard when the baby is swaddled and can't move), she leaves the baby sleeping on her stomach, and she swaddles/overdresses TS to the point where she is so hot that she goes to sleep and stays asleep for hours (she slept through several feedings this way over the weekend, which also panics me about leaving her out of my sight). So I feel nervous/guilty taking her up on her offer to let me nap a bit or make a phone call because I worry about TS and I also worry about hurting my relationship with her and her bonding with TS by focusing on the little differences in parenting (I'm sure she has far worse critiques of my parenting, and thankfully she hasn't shared them yet).
- I had a nightmare that I was pregnant, and back at my high school, where everyone was congratulating a new father and completely ignoring TS and me. Which reminded me that my 2 closest high school friends (and bridesmaids a few months ago) have yet to call (and one did not even respond to our birth announcement e-mail - yes, she's infertile). I know it's the distance and their being busy (and they did both send TS delightful presents) but I wish that my friends would realize that I am going through a lot of changes now and would like to at least be in touch.
- Oh, and my computer is broken. I'm typing on JD's computer but may not have a computer this week while I'm home all week ...
- I'm starting to work again on Tuesday. This Tuesday. Less than 4 weeks post-partum. Wait, before you extend your deepest sympathies, let me assure you that our 'nanny' is coming over to my apartment for 3 hours and I'll be hiding in the bedroom (probably napping, honestly) while she takes the baby during her fussiest time - not exactly an awful situation by any standards. We won't start a full day till next week, and since I'm still not up for bottles, I'll be home at least every 2 hours and probably home and hiding the full day. I know, having the luxury of hiring someone to come help with TS in my own home on my own schedule is hardly tough, but despite my control over the location and schedule, the truth is that the deadlines are piling up and I need to get some work done.
- I'm worried that my right breast is giving out (or maybe my left breast just massively over-produces?) I get about 1/4 out of the right as the left when I pump, regardless of which side I've feed on most recently. Of course, since I get about 4 oz. from the left side, my sense of 'normal' might just be off.
- I think I need to diet. While I lost a ton of weight within a week of giving birth (squeezing into my stretch jeans 7 days post-partum) ... well ... as predicted, my weight has started to rise again. And more importantly, my face is looking noticeably plumper since I reintroduced food into my diet. The stomach is down to its normal, healthy 'average beer gut' size but I don't look good. And since I can't get enough exercise when the weather is cold (because I don't want to keep the baby outside too long), I may have to diet (oh, and not having a bra but more on that later ...)
- I don't have a bra that fits. AT ALL. I've outgrown everything I own. This might also explain the item above since none of my clothes fit over my chest. All suggestions for finding a bra are much appreciated, but FYI I've outgrown everything offered by Anita, Freya and Bravado (and the Bravado bras I'm wearing now on occasion make me super-nervous about infection because they just compress my breasts and make them really sweaty - way TMI, I know).
- I am a bit annoyed at my MIL, and I also feel guilty for being annoyed. She is nothing but kind and self-sacrificing and completely in love with TS and trying to do everything possible to make parenting easier for JD and I (occasionally in a passive-agressive manner. For example, she has told me repeatedly that I 'look too tired' and that she'd be happy to feed the baby all night if we just switched to formula ...). It's just that she doesn't really ask me -anything- about my parenting choices and having had only one child (JD) almost 30 years ago, alone, in a different country and culture, she's not at all up to date on American parenting obsessions. I want to just relax and not sweat the small details, but she does things like leave the baby swaddled on her bed, which has a very thick, puffy quilt (ultimate SIDS hazard when the baby is swaddled and can't move), she leaves the baby sleeping on her stomach, and she swaddles/overdresses TS to the point where she is so hot that she goes to sleep and stays asleep for hours (she slept through several feedings this way over the weekend, which also panics me about leaving her out of my sight). So I feel nervous/guilty taking her up on her offer to let me nap a bit or make a phone call because I worry about TS and I also worry about hurting my relationship with her and her bonding with TS by focusing on the little differences in parenting (I'm sure she has far worse critiques of my parenting, and thankfully she hasn't shared them yet).
- I had a nightmare that I was pregnant, and back at my high school, where everyone was congratulating a new father and completely ignoring TS and me. Which reminded me that my 2 closest high school friends (and bridesmaids a few months ago) have yet to call (and one did not even respond to our birth announcement e-mail - yes, she's infertile). I know it's the distance and their being busy (and they did both send TS delightful presents) but I wish that my friends would realize that I am going through a lot of changes now and would like to at least be in touch.
- Oh, and my computer is broken. I'm typing on JD's computer but may not have a computer this week while I'm home all week ...
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Overheard near JD
I know JD is adjusting quite well to fatherhood. My longtime readers may remember that one of JD's charms (at least to me) is his tendency to say exactly what's on his mind (My husband may be the only one who didn't get in trouble for admiring his wife's new curves when she got out of the shower at 8 months pregnant with a loud "Ew!!!") - at least I know what he's thinking.
Overhead in the past week chez nous:
"Yes, you are just like a little puppy. A very sleepy puppy. And I always wanted a puppy." (As the fusspot rooted on his chest at bedtime. Had I known all he wanted was a puppy ...).
"She's just like a parakeet. A very expensive and fussy parakeet. And I never wanted a bird." (Overheard in hushed tones after I admonished JD to put some more clothes on the poor baby after a 4 am diaper/outfit change).
"Oh, look! She's a mole. Pink and roly-poly and not very clever ..."
"Which one was it in the Wizard of Oz who had no brain?" (As the fusspot rooted energetically into the blanket next to the breast ..."
********
Nicknames: As you might notice, the baby has acquired a whole new set of nicknames in a variety of languages (JD is an immigrant and I am a first generation American - we have plenty of languages floating around). She is looking much, much less like an alien both because she has filled out quite a bit (no more ribs and sternum poking out), her eyes are no longer quite so deep-set, and the rather striking birthmark on her face has faded noticeably already (it used to look like 3 bright red flames coming out of the top of her noes - she still has a good deal of discoloration on her eyelids which will fade in the next few months*). And sadly, she no longer spends quite as much time waving her left arm suggestively to some distance audience only she can see. I think for the long-term I will refer to her as "TS" on this blog.
* I do not mean to make light of my daughter's birthmark by referring to it as alien-like. Even before we left the hospital, we had been offered a referral for a plastic surgeon. I find that completely absurd (although I understand why other people would act differently). I will admit to being rather surprised that most of her face at birth was coverd in birthmarks, but there is a very strong chance that her birthmarks will fade completely in the next few years, and if they don't then we will wait until she is ready to make a decision for herself about a purely cosmetic procedures. I, for one, had a weird birthmark on my left knee which my family found embarrassing. I personally thought it was quite magical since my favorite my little pony had a very similar mark on her left hind leg - which goes to show that you never know what kids will make of these things.
Overhead in the past week chez nous:
"Yes, you are just like a little puppy. A very sleepy puppy. And I always wanted a puppy." (As the fusspot rooted on his chest at bedtime. Had I known all he wanted was a puppy ...).
"She's just like a parakeet. A very expensive and fussy parakeet. And I never wanted a bird." (Overheard in hushed tones after I admonished JD to put some more clothes on the poor baby after a 4 am diaper/outfit change).
"Oh, look! She's a mole. Pink and roly-poly and not very clever ..."
"Which one was it in the Wizard of Oz who had no brain?" (As the fusspot rooted energetically into the blanket next to the breast ..."
********
Nicknames: As you might notice, the baby has acquired a whole new set of nicknames in a variety of languages (JD is an immigrant and I am a first generation American - we have plenty of languages floating around). She is looking much, much less like an alien both because she has filled out quite a bit (no more ribs and sternum poking out), her eyes are no longer quite so deep-set, and the rather striking birthmark on her face has faded noticeably already (it used to look like 3 bright red flames coming out of the top of her noes - she still has a good deal of discoloration on her eyelids which will fade in the next few months*). And sadly, she no longer spends quite as much time waving her left arm suggestively to some distance audience only she can see. I think for the long-term I will refer to her as "TS" on this blog.
* I do not mean to make light of my daughter's birthmark by referring to it as alien-like. Even before we left the hospital, we had been offered a referral for a plastic surgeon. I find that completely absurd (although I understand why other people would act differently). I will admit to being rather surprised that most of her face at birth was coverd in birthmarks, but there is a very strong chance that her birthmarks will fade completely in the next few years, and if they don't then we will wait until she is ready to make a decision for herself about a purely cosmetic procedures. I, for one, had a weird birthmark on my left knee which my family found embarrassing. I personally thought it was quite magical since my favorite my little pony had a very similar mark on her left hind leg - which goes to show that you never know what kids will make of these things.
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