So I just read http://southern-infertility.blogspot.com/ about her mother's response to her cycle, and it reminded me that I've been meaning to post for a couple of days about my mother. I messed up, and I'm not sure how to fix it. Actually, to be precise, I lied.
A little background: My mother doesn't always say the right things about IF and sometimes it annoys me, but I think that's largely because I tend to come off as detached from my medical treatments (I was completely detached and very fascinated by my stomach problems a few years back, to the point of actually enjoying my many medical exams because they were so interesting) and because she's really trying to come to terms with the idea of not having any biological grandkids of her own. I know that she wants to be as supportive as possible, and she knows that money would alleviate a lot of our stress, so she has promised to help pay for IVF, should we need it, which is great. And when I was home after my grandmother died, I had just started my new diet and she spent hours trying to find food I could eat and get me information on glycemic indexes and such. And I told her then that we were starting treatments, and she didn't seem excited. I thought it was because she was overwhelmed by her mother dying, and that it may also bring up bad memories of what my sister went through. But now I think the reason she wasn't excited is that she misunderstood.
We were talking on Sunday (before this cycle was canceled) and she asked whether the doctor was happy with my weight loss and nutritional stats, and if he thought we were ready to start a cycle. I was so blown away by the question that I must have mumbled something about 'not sure yet,' rather than explaining that we were mid-cycle. So now I've gone from miscommunication to outright lie, but not on purpose. So it's not that she's been politely avoiding asking directly about the cycle, she has no idea we did one. And now we're on to injectables and if I just call up one day and talk about injections, she's pretty clued in to know that she must have missed out on a cycle or two at least. So do I call now and tell her that we did a cycle? Wait till there's at least the possibility of some good news? What till I see her in person? I don't really want to talk to her about the details now, but I certainly never meant to obscure what we're doing. I would be so thrilled if she chatted with JD about it, but that's a lot to ask from him.
Speaking of which, he's been incredible today. All day. And he will be joining me for my 3rd 8 am appointment in a row tomorrow morning. No wonder the doctor could never see me if they schedule simultaneous ultrasounds and consults. And, the library will be open again tomorrow so I can actually do real work rather than posting all day.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Angry again
The more I think about it, the angrier I am that less than 10 minutes after my cycle was canceled (and mind you, these people are speedy: my new schedule and script for more drugs was handed to me while I was still in the stirrups, not wearing any undies) a Nurse Practitioner who I had never met before and had clearly NEVER READ MY CHART* was lecturing me about diet, and yoga, and needing anger management. Oh, and saying things like 'Well, if you fly down here clearly money isn't an obstacle so maybe you should consider quitting your job to be here full time.' (This pisses me off so much - our next month may take our entire lifetime savings. Honestly. We're young, we're just starting our careers, we'll be fine financially within 2 years but at the moment we're broke). Since I haven't given my blog address to anyone who actually knows me (and JD promised not to read it after setting it up for me), I am the type of person who gets things done, the type of person who is pretty good at hiding her anger and functioning. And that was just inappropriate. I'm sure that I'm mostly angry about the canceled cycle, but nothing lost in channeling a good deal of that anger towards this NP. And I will file a complaint tomorrow because the last thing I want is to get her in the room for my next u/s.
*I know she had never read my chart because she started into the medical version of the 'just relax' speech after I met never have heard of cort.isol before. I have at least 10 pages of lab tests devoted to my co.rtisol alone in my file. She also had no idea that I don't live in the area, and honestly recommended to me that I freeze JD's sperm and do this all alone in NYC. Now, not only does fresh sperm have a higher success rate and IUI's are inexpensive and apparently unnecessary for us, but I am not the type of girl to be doing this entirely alone over 1000 miles from my partner. And neither am I going to quit my career because of IF.
*I know she had never read my chart because she started into the medical version of the 'just relax' speech after I met never have heard of cort.isol before. I have at least 10 pages of lab tests devoted to my co.rtisol alone in my file. She also had no idea that I don't live in the area, and honestly recommended to me that I freeze JD's sperm and do this all alone in NYC. Now, not only does fresh sperm have a higher success rate and IUI's are inexpensive and apparently unnecessary for us, but I am not the type of girl to be doing this entirely alone over 1000 miles from my partner. And neither am I going to quit my career because of IF.
Update: Feeling much better
I did indeed propose a shotgun wedding of-sorts to JD at lunchtime, which totally cracked him up. And then he shocked me by saying he could pay for the next cycle, so not to worry about it.
So here we go again.
Since my cycle was canceled at 9am I have accomplished the following:
- scheduled a 2nd consult for 9 am tomorrow morning which JD can attend. I'm totally not thrilled by our new protocol and the total lack of injection training. We are obsessive people, we need face time with our doctor.
- called and convinced Southern clinic that my RE in NYC is plenty competent enough to do the baseline ultrasound pre-le.trozole. Then called NYC and found out RE is way too busy for that, but I can have the ultrasound done for free at my student health clinic. Scheduled that.
- Called NYC doctor to have her re-write script for 1st ultrasound
- Obsessed about foll.istim
- Obsessed even more about soy and what in the world I will eat now
- Searched on amazon for a European water-boiler so that I can cook my specialty: 8 hard-boiled eggs a day while at this conference next week ... Add in a few tablespoons of 'no sugar added' peanut butter and I should be fine for 6 days.
However, I still haven't showered or got dressed for the day. I really owe that to poor JD, who will be home from work at 6 pm. And of course, we have to run out and get more bcp's at 6 pm because I left them in NYC ...
Clearly this little failure is going in the pile with 18% success rate to be processed later.
So here we go again.
Since my cycle was canceled at 9am I have accomplished the following:
- scheduled a 2nd consult for 9 am tomorrow morning which JD can attend. I'm totally not thrilled by our new protocol and the total lack of injection training. We are obsessive people, we need face time with our doctor.
- called and convinced Southern clinic that my RE in NYC is plenty competent enough to do the baseline ultrasound pre-le.trozole. Then called NYC and found out RE is way too busy for that, but I can have the ultrasound done for free at my student health clinic. Scheduled that.
- Called NYC doctor to have her re-write script for 1st ultrasound
- Obsessed about foll.istim
- Obsessed even more about soy and what in the world I will eat now
- Searched on amazon for a European water-boiler so that I can cook my specialty: 8 hard-boiled eggs a day while at this conference next week ... Add in a few tablespoons of 'no sugar added' peanut butter and I should be fine for 6 days.
However, I still haven't showered or got dressed for the day. I really owe that to poor JD, who will be home from work at 6 pm. And of course, we have to run out and get more bcp's at 6 pm because I left them in NYC ...
Clearly this little failure is going in the pile with 18% success rate to be processed later.
Can't Sleep
And since the NP already labeled me a high-stress, overachiever this morning I have to admit that my mind's been racing ... to places like: why, oh why, can't we just go downtown this afternoon, get us married, and have next month's cycle covered by JD's insurance? Hm, things I probably shouldn't spring on him tonight, especially since he got the bad news about the cycle over e-mail while at work ....
Canceled
Follicles did not grow. In fact, the largest one apparently shrunk.
Combined with the following:
a lecture by the NP about how I need to try yoga or something else to relax
a long discussion among the nurses about soy (even though all I asked was whether someone could consult a doctor, preferably mine)
a 50% increase in our IF treatment cost for next month (apparently they raise prices every 6 months, who knew ...)
a script for bcp to start tonight written for the brand name only (not the generic which would save me $50)
an even larger bill for follistim for next cycle, which might just price us out of this adventure entirely
means it's been a pretty bad morning. I'm going back to bed.
Combined with the following:
a lecture by the NP about how I need to try yoga or something else to relax
a long discussion among the nurses about soy (even though all I asked was whether someone could consult a doctor, preferably mine)
a 50% increase in our IF treatment cost for next month (apparently they raise prices every 6 months, who knew ...)
a script for bcp to start tonight written for the brand name only (not the generic which would save me $50)
an even larger bill for follistim for next cycle, which might just price us out of this adventure entirely
means it's been a pretty bad morning. I'm going back to bed.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Update 2: Impulse shopping
Maybe it's all cyclical, and I'm just back to the delusional point. At least we all know this isn't the first time I've been here. And today, it involves impulse shopping.
I own a lot of books (think more than 25 boxes when I moved in November), but that's because I'm a graduate student and I use those books to teach and to think broadly about my research. So what does the infertile woman do CD 13? She stops by the used book store and buys a stack of children's books. See, there is a used book store at the entrance of the public library where I work during the day (the part of it left after 2 IF appointments) and the books are mostly ex-library hardbacks priced at $1-2 per book. An excellent bargain that supports a public library in the South. And they have a wide selection of history books and books about foreign countries, and even some foreign language books.
I succesfully fended off JD's objections when I first brought home a stack of children's books in September by explaining that I was going to send them to my dear friend who is stuck on an army base abroad. But of course, JD is quite intelligent enough to notice that that stack of books is still under his sock bin in the closet. And it's about to get a lot taller. I've never had the impulse to buy children's clothes or baby blankets and never, ever set foot in a maternity store. But children's books, that's a different matter. Because somewhere in the back of my head the following arguments percolate:
a. they never go bad (although they are the pits to move, and we move a lot)
b. you can always re-gift books, especially if you buy them used to start with
c. someday I am going to have a little someone to read to (maybe not a baby if we chose the adoption route, but definitely a toddler)
d. and the books i'm buying are new and more diverse than what I had as a child. because I was one of the most spoiled children ever in terms of glorious books and dolls and blocks and playsets and puppets and pets and everything else a child could desire, and every book I ever owned is neatly boxed and waiting for grandchildren at my parent's house. in fact, my mother labeled the boxes by age in case the grandchildren pop out so quickly she doesn't have time to sort the toys ... but these are all books I didn't have as a child. I know, I remember books I've read.
The very nice elderly woman working at the store assured me that there are 4 more boxes of children's books in the back and if I come back next week I can have first pick of what's in them. Let's really hope I'm in good enough shape to do that next week.
18% isn't awful odds, really.
I own a lot of books (think more than 25 boxes when I moved in November), but that's because I'm a graduate student and I use those books to teach and to think broadly about my research. So what does the infertile woman do CD 13? She stops by the used book store and buys a stack of children's books. See, there is a used book store at the entrance of the public library where I work during the day (the part of it left after 2 IF appointments) and the books are mostly ex-library hardbacks priced at $1-2 per book. An excellent bargain that supports a public library in the South. And they have a wide selection of history books and books about foreign countries, and even some foreign language books.
I succesfully fended off JD's objections when I first brought home a stack of children's books in September by explaining that I was going to send them to my dear friend who is stuck on an army base abroad. But of course, JD is quite intelligent enough to notice that that stack of books is still under his sock bin in the closet. And it's about to get a lot taller. I've never had the impulse to buy children's clothes or baby blankets and never, ever set foot in a maternity store. But children's books, that's a different matter. Because somewhere in the back of my head the following arguments percolate:
a. they never go bad (although they are the pits to move, and we move a lot)
b. you can always re-gift books, especially if you buy them used to start with
c. someday I am going to have a little someone to read to (maybe not a baby if we chose the adoption route, but definitely a toddler)
d. and the books i'm buying are new and more diverse than what I had as a child. because I was one of the most spoiled children ever in terms of glorious books and dolls and blocks and playsets and puppets and pets and everything else a child could desire, and every book I ever owned is neatly boxed and waiting for grandchildren at my parent's house. in fact, my mother labeled the boxes by age in case the grandchildren pop out so quickly she doesn't have time to sort the toys ... but these are all books I didn't have as a child. I know, I remember books I've read.
The very nice elderly woman working at the store assured me that there are 4 more boxes of children's books in the back and if I come back next week I can have first pick of what's in them. Let's really hope I'm in good enough shape to do that next week.
18% isn't awful odds, really.
Update: happy patient
I went back at 11 am to see my doctor. He saw me at 12. I really like this doctor. He's the right combination of nerdy and earnest that works well for us. He seemed very happy with everything. I have lost 11 lbs since Dec. 10th. I can reintroduce some whole wheat products after ovulation (which is great because I leave for Europe again next Tuesday and this diet would have been so much worse there). My follicles look great and are right on schedule. If this cycle doesn't work, we'll do a quick cycle which I can fit in before I leave for Europe in April. He sees no point in converting to an IUI. And then we talked about my cor.tisol and he was entirely reasonable. He said that the suppression test shows that my cortis.ol functions normally, and despite all the studies that indicate stress interferes with ovulation, "every single woman I see is stressed. It's not possible to do IF treatments without being stressed." So basically I shouldn't worry about it. I feel so much better.
ps - Did I mention that he told me today that he gives us an 18% chance of succeeding on any given cycle with le.tro.zole? Still trying to wrap my head around that one.
ps - Did I mention that he told me today that he gives us an 18% chance of succeeding on any given cycle with le.tro.zole? Still trying to wrap my head around that one.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)