I am so that girl right now. But really, I don't have any other place to think about these things. I have had a few too many conversations with my one local mom friend who is on the should-we-or-shouldn't-we bandwagon right now. Of course, she of most awesome fertility (conceived without help at 3 times at age 40+) is really in no rush to make a final decision ... So I am going to write here, and hope that you will be kind (or at least click away quickly and come back another day).
The topic, as you long-time readers will surely have guessed, is Project 3.0. And the great bloodbath earlier this month means this is a topic we can no longer avoid.
I really thought that I would be ok agreeing not to try. I need to finish my stupid degree (and a 3rd pregnancy would convince absolutely everyone in my field that I am a joke, but then again they probably already think that after #2 and the related meltdown). But on rough days like today when I feel entirely incompetent at work and can't even make polite small talk with the one colleague I see weekly as we walk into or out of the building (I cannot describe how grim my work life is right now. I work in a small office with a door, near no one I know. I leave my solitary confinement 3-4 times a day, to refill my water bottle or print something or go outside to defrost my hands from the excessive AC but that is it. No conversation, no interactions, just me and the doubts in my head), I just want to step back and acknowledge that the one thing that I really enjoy on a daily basis is parenting (it's not that JD and I are on bad terms, but I honestly don't see him every day even though we live together. He's been working until 2 every night for a while now, and is often gone before I get up). And the idea that we might waste one tiny sliver of my practically non-existent fertility is terrible.
And more than that, I love the spacing between Project 1.0 and Project 2.0. I love watching them play together, knowing that the fusspot has no memory of life before the dumpling, knowing that if all goes well they will go through life together with shared childhood memories. And if we did manage to complete our family in the next 5-6 years, we would be plenty young enough to look forward to many years of travel and exploration after the kids grow up (this is very much on my mind as I watch my much, much older local mom friends parent. I actually have 3 friends who are 39, 42, and 41 who are all "considering" whether to have another baby. My closest mom friend will spend this year worrying about kindergarten admissions in the big city. When I am the same age she is now, I will be worrying about college admissions for my second child (lord willing).
Oh, and I firmly believe that nursing helps my fertility (PCOs is not my only diagnosis) and I am terrified that if the dumpling self-weans we'll need major interventions again, and then finances will be a big issue (no, I am not planning to wean him deliberately. We're just crazy like that). But the sad truth is that the cost of fertility treatments (even the 50-60,000 we budgeted for 2-3 rounds of IVF for Project 1.0) is trivial compared to daycare costs and preschool and afterschool. And JD is really worried about the short-term costs of Project 3.0 should we be successful. Then again, our chance of getting twins is so much lower without injectables (although I do tend to have a million follicles).
If I weren't nursing, I do think we'd freeze some embryos before I get any older, but that's not really an option while nursing (especially since I am prone to OHSS).
In short, my wishes are entirely irrational, despite any attempts at justification above, but then again isn't have a baby in the modern world always irrational? They are time consuming, carreer-ending, expensive entertainment. And yet I have no doubt that we'd never regret the decision. And thankfully it is really looking like a question of when rather than if, JD recently seems to be entirely supportive of Project 3.0, even if he'd rather wait. And for that at least I am truly deeply thankful, even if it won't be this year. And yes, there is a very small part of me that looks forward to the possibility of enjoying a newborn without worrying about having no leave and getting back to work immediately and parenting without a real support network, all of which could conceivably be different if we wait a few years.
Of course, I also kind-of thought that I could chart ( a few hours reading deeper into the google informed me this was idiotic with my level of severe PCOs) and had some weird break-through bleeding yesterday and well ... yeah ... who knows. This whole conversation may be irrelevant. Or I may never get another cycle after my first post-partum bloodbath and there is no way JD would consider swinging by the clinic right now. Or we may decide not to try but continue not to do anything more organized than talk about bcps.
For now, I will just obsess and try to see the virtue in waiting.
The topic, as you long-time readers will surely have guessed, is Project 3.0. And the great bloodbath earlier this month means this is a topic we can no longer avoid.
I really thought that I would be ok agreeing not to try. I need to finish my stupid degree (and a 3rd pregnancy would convince absolutely everyone in my field that I am a joke, but then again they probably already think that after #2 and the related meltdown). But on rough days like today when I feel entirely incompetent at work and can't even make polite small talk with the one colleague I see weekly as we walk into or out of the building (I cannot describe how grim my work life is right now. I work in a small office with a door, near no one I know. I leave my solitary confinement 3-4 times a day, to refill my water bottle or print something or go outside to defrost my hands from the excessive AC but that is it. No conversation, no interactions, just me and the doubts in my head), I just want to step back and acknowledge that the one thing that I really enjoy on a daily basis is parenting (it's not that JD and I are on bad terms, but I honestly don't see him every day even though we live together. He's been working until 2 every night for a while now, and is often gone before I get up). And the idea that we might waste one tiny sliver of my practically non-existent fertility is terrible.
And more than that, I love the spacing between Project 1.0 and Project 2.0. I love watching them play together, knowing that the fusspot has no memory of life before the dumpling, knowing that if all goes well they will go through life together with shared childhood memories. And if we did manage to complete our family in the next 5-6 years, we would be plenty young enough to look forward to many years of travel and exploration after the kids grow up (this is very much on my mind as I watch my much, much older local mom friends parent. I actually have 3 friends who are 39, 42, and 41 who are all "considering" whether to have another baby. My closest mom friend will spend this year worrying about kindergarten admissions in the big city. When I am the same age she is now, I will be worrying about college admissions for my second child (lord willing).
Oh, and I firmly believe that nursing helps my fertility (PCOs is not my only diagnosis) and I am terrified that if the dumpling self-weans we'll need major interventions again, and then finances will be a big issue (no, I am not planning to wean him deliberately. We're just crazy like that). But the sad truth is that the cost of fertility treatments (even the 50-60,000 we budgeted for 2-3 rounds of IVF for Project 1.0) is trivial compared to daycare costs and preschool and afterschool. And JD is really worried about the short-term costs of Project 3.0 should we be successful. Then again, our chance of getting twins is so much lower without injectables (although I do tend to have a million follicles).
If I weren't nursing, I do think we'd freeze some embryos before I get any older, but that's not really an option while nursing (especially since I am prone to OHSS).
In short, my wishes are entirely irrational, despite any attempts at justification above, but then again isn't have a baby in the modern world always irrational? They are time consuming, carreer-ending, expensive entertainment. And yet I have no doubt that we'd never regret the decision. And thankfully it is really looking like a question of when rather than if, JD recently seems to be entirely supportive of Project 3.0, even if he'd rather wait. And for that at least I am truly deeply thankful, even if it won't be this year. And yes, there is a very small part of me that looks forward to the possibility of enjoying a newborn without worrying about having no leave and getting back to work immediately and parenting without a real support network, all of which could conceivably be different if we wait a few years.
Of course, I also kind-of thought that I could chart ( a few hours reading deeper into the google informed me this was idiotic with my level of severe PCOs) and had some weird break-through bleeding yesterday and well ... yeah ... who knows. This whole conversation may be irrelevant. Or I may never get another cycle after my first post-partum bloodbath and there is no way JD would consider swinging by the clinic right now. Or we may decide not to try but continue not to do anything more organized than talk about bcps.
For now, I will just obsess and try to see the virtue in waiting.
2 comments:
It must be an impossible choice and task. We know we are finished. I am just as much the one making that choice as the hub and it seems you are& jD are on the same page of having another, it's just so much more complicated with the timing. I couldn't imagine seeing what could be a chance and let it go- but it seems that is what you need to do to stay in your career?
I am a very instinctual decision maker. If I make a decision and it feels good I stop thinking about it and I know it was the right one. If I can't let it go and I waver then I know my heart is not in this decision and I need tor revisit my other option. It seems that your heart has some tough choices that all affect your life. It doesn't seem as if JD is facing the same life changes in adding #3 & the urge to take advantage of a possible 'freebie' cycle is probably not as strong in him I am guessing.
Good luck friend. What about this potential move? Could that be a factor as well?
I think all the time about how I want one more. ONE baby. ONE nursling. ONE to wake up with at night. Hopefully, a lower risk pregnancy with a midwife. /sigh/ Not an option right now.
Post a Comment