I pride myself on being a particularly competent woman. I can do my own taxes, take care of basic household repairs, talk myself out of a ticket for indecent exposure (ok, that was a long, long time ago and really just a big miscommunication. I did not manage to talk myself out of the ill-fated night when I happened to offer an undercover cop cash to buy me beer ... on videocamera), handle canceled credit cards and missed trains, the usual. Let's just say this weekend has been full of spectacular (and yet not serious) disasters.
Evolutionary-wise, I think it makes sense that most people get their first period at an earlier age. Because, well, it's even more embarrassing to mess up when you are 31 years old and have 2 children in tow. The highlights:
1. Reading to my daughter in Barnes and Noble on Friday morning. Let's just clarify here: a crowded Barnes and Noble in the middle of NYC. Stand up and realize that I have bled through a heavy duty pad, my skirt and tights and am currently rocking a large bright red stain on my rear end. Delicately drape an ergo across my rear while dangling a child under each arm and desperately calling a friend who lives near the bookstore. Thankfully she was home, I shoved my children into her door, hopped in a cab and was all clean and ready to start the day again 15 minutes later. Let's just assume that if anyone I do know saw me running out of the bookstore while dripping gobs of blood down my rear, they were just as much trying to pretend they didn't know me as I was trying to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening.
2. 3 hours later, sans kid. LLL meeting downtown. Rinse and repeat, except this time it was me slinking out of the meeting to rinse my jeans in the bathroom sink and then attempt to pat them dry with a wad of paper towels (no air dryer in sight). Thankfully it was a hot day and I'm sure I did not walk around Tribeca with a wet rear end for more than a half hour or so.
3. Bleaching white sheets at my in-laws house. Also white mattress cover.
4. And yes, after above and a rather painful day, I did cave and call the midwives. Imagine this call. 31 year old patient, who happens to have delivered sans drugs 2 babies. Chit chat, chit chat, "... um, yes, I was wondering about these "cramps" that come with a period. How bad are they supposed to be, because, um, never had them before? ..." It had obviously crossed all of our minds that this might not exactly be just my first post-partum period, but one of those all-too-frequent "m---." Nope, not even going to write it here. Seriously, the odds that I actually both ovulated and we caught the first post-partum ovulation are under one in a million. On the other hand, I have thus far a 100% record of conceiving post-ovulation. Which is to say that I have ovulated twice in my life (at most 3 times, of this I am sure due to blood draws every 3 months for over a decade), and I have 2 children. And there was a lot of blood. And, um, big pieces of stuff. And breathing through cramps for hours on end. Luckily it was my favorite midwife and she told me that either way not to worry, that I would most assuredly know if it was a late first trimester situation, and otherwise it was even more highly unlikely that I would have complications and need to be seen.
Which is all just to say that apparently, in regards to matters of a delicate, feminine and monthly nature, I am entirely incompetent.
Evolutionary-wise, I think it makes sense that most people get their first period at an earlier age. Because, well, it's even more embarrassing to mess up when you are 31 years old and have 2 children in tow. The highlights:
1. Reading to my daughter in Barnes and Noble on Friday morning. Let's just clarify here: a crowded Barnes and Noble in the middle of NYC. Stand up and realize that I have bled through a heavy duty pad, my skirt and tights and am currently rocking a large bright red stain on my rear end. Delicately drape an ergo across my rear while dangling a child under each arm and desperately calling a friend who lives near the bookstore. Thankfully she was home, I shoved my children into her door, hopped in a cab and was all clean and ready to start the day again 15 minutes later. Let's just assume that if anyone I do know saw me running out of the bookstore while dripping gobs of blood down my rear, they were just as much trying to pretend they didn't know me as I was trying to pretend the whole thing wasn't happening.
2. 3 hours later, sans kid. LLL meeting downtown. Rinse and repeat, except this time it was me slinking out of the meeting to rinse my jeans in the bathroom sink and then attempt to pat them dry with a wad of paper towels (no air dryer in sight). Thankfully it was a hot day and I'm sure I did not walk around Tribeca with a wet rear end for more than a half hour or so.
3. Bleaching white sheets at my in-laws house. Also white mattress cover.
4. And yes, after above and a rather painful day, I did cave and call the midwives. Imagine this call. 31 year old patient, who happens to have delivered sans drugs 2 babies. Chit chat, chit chat, "... um, yes, I was wondering about these "cramps" that come with a period. How bad are they supposed to be, because, um, never had them before? ..." It had obviously crossed all of our minds that this might not exactly be just my first post-partum period, but one of those all-too-frequent "m---." Nope, not even going to write it here. Seriously, the odds that I actually both ovulated and we caught the first post-partum ovulation are under one in a million. On the other hand, I have thus far a 100% record of conceiving post-ovulation. Which is to say that I have ovulated twice in my life (at most 3 times, of this I am sure due to blood draws every 3 months for over a decade), and I have 2 children. And there was a lot of blood. And, um, big pieces of stuff. And breathing through cramps for hours on end. Luckily it was my favorite midwife and she told me that either way not to worry, that I would most assuredly know if it was a late first trimester situation, and otherwise it was even more highly unlikely that I would have complications and need to be seen.
Which is all just to say that apparently, in regards to matters of a delicate, feminine and monthly nature, I am entirely incompetent.
4 comments:
Um, yikes, it does sound more like the m word than a period ... Do get checked if it keeps up. Hoping you're well (and not bleeding everywhere you go!) soon.
I have only had one period in my life that was close to sounding like this one and I always wondered if it could have been...
But not having them ever could also mean you just have a random cycle that just happens ti be very heavy & painful. In my experience if the first day is that bad it gets much less cramp & much lighter by day 3. If this is not the case and you have this same experience for 2+ days- go get checked out.
Im sorry about the 3 wardrobe changes on the hottest weekend yet!
UGH. Sounds awful no matter WHAT was behind it. Hoping that this was just a bizarre one-time thing and that you're feeling better very soon.
My period has a lot of clotting, so it looks like "stuff" so it's quite possible it is just a period.
And man, did I just ever go back to 7th grade reading about the skirt. It blows, no matter the age.
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