So one of the many posts which has been floating around the internets recently brought up the idea of "needing this space." And I do need this space right now. I need it because I can't find a way to cope with all of the stress I'm under. I'd love to exercise, but I don't have the time. I can't even find time to make it back to PT or therapy. I'd love to diet and get my body in shape but I don't have the time to go grocery shopping or cook. I'd love to sleep more, but I certainly don't have time for that. I'd love to go out on a date with my husband once a month, but I get so angry that he won't put in the time to plan it that I never do either. Ah, to have a husband who was home by even 10 pm. 10 pm would allow me to run out to the gym and the grocery store in the evenings, to drop by my office for a few extra hours. But as is JD arrives home between 11pm and midnight most nights, and it is entirely unpredictable when he'll make it home at 8 pm.
In short, I seem to be in grave danger of failing at the career path I've spent the past decade or so pursuing. And here's the great irony for my long-time readers: I'm failing because this infertile woman succeeded in having children. And let's be upfront, this has nothing (ok, very little) to do with sexism or anti-family feelings. I'm failing because the work I'm turning out is a failure. It's a failure because I don't have enough time and I'm too tired and I'm too distracted and everything keeps snowballing. So basically if I can't miraculously make up for months of work by the fall I'm done.
And I have no idea what comes next.
Sure, I can find another career. I'm honestly not that worried about that. In fact, it might be nice to take a low-stress career for a few years while the babies are little. I am perfectly well-qualified to be a high school math teacher, and I hear those are usually in demand (this is not a slight to teachers, and yes I have taught before). I've also worked in (low level) middle management before, and apparently am quite good at organizing things (so went a rather backhanded compliment I received recently in a review). I could happily work in early childhood education in some context, or even apply for one of those practically-no-pay but endless intriguing NGO/not for profits related to my current research. And it would be fine for me. (And no, "staying at home" is not an option. JD does not want the pressure of being the sole breadwinner, and I strongly believe that it is important to role model being a working mother for the fusspot and the dumpling, even if I barely break even in the short term. Plus my babies will eventually head off to school and I will need something meaningful to do with all of that free time. But all of those jobs would allow me to be home by 5 pm every day, and hopefully earlier.)
But JD not only took a high-paying, work away your soul job to pay for fertility treatments and support our family, but his plan was to take a few months and find a new job based on wherever I could find a job. And he's a bit lost himself as to what he really wants to do next. And yet again it will put all the pressure on him if I utterly fail at this career.
And I really do enjoy what I do, until last year I had a spotless CV, and I'm quite sure that I could succeed under different circumstances (ah, wouldn't it be nice to work in a career with an "on ramp"?) But in order to get enough done in the next 4 months I need to jettison everything that is not absolutely essential: as little cooking as possible, as little time cleaning as possible, no socializing unless it is in non-daycare hours when the fusspot is awake, no relaxing by sewing/planning perfect parties/taking a family vacation. I need to commit to working 4-5 hours every night after the babies are asleep and working as much as possible every day. I need to give up on any type of planned activity to lose the baby weight or a lovely summer vacation when my husband is on leave. I need to compartmentalize and drop everything from 7-9 am and 4-8 pm when I spend time with the fusspot, and only work during her nap on Friday when she's home with me. I need to wake up at 4 am if necessary to work on the weekends.
I think it's worth it. I really hope so. But I do think that I will regret it if I don't give it a try.
And a large part of what I need to do is to step back and say that whether I succeed or fail at this, I will be fine in 5 years.
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6 comments:
How long will the long hours last? 4-5 months? If it is worth it to you, then go for it. (Easy for this woman who works at home and has no children to say, right). Bottom line is- whatever happens, you will be successful. You are one of the most driven, intelligent people I have ever met online.
Honestly, I just don't understand. It sounds like you are killing yourself and sacrificing time with your family for a career that you are ok with walking away from. I just can't imagine living at that pace. That's just me. I stayed up hours every night for a job that canned me when they got what they wanted out of me. I hate them for that, and I'm not sure it was worth it because I was so tired and unhappy most of the time.
I need a solid 8 hours of sleep most nights, I need to create something, I need to feel like I'm not going to fall behind if I take a day for myself. I've been without those things and I wasn't happy.
I'm amazed that you can work at that pace. I completely respect and admire you for it. I hope you get the career you want, but I wish it was an easier path for you.
I don't know what you do... I take it you are in academia. Could you try to transfer to a less 'competitive' university? One that will support your family life better?
Just one more thought... the thing that bothers me about your post is that it just reminds me of myself a few months ago. I would set these difficult work goals for myself and then Michael would stop sleeping at night or something where I couldn't take care of him and still meet my goal. It would cause me anxiety and I took it out myself and family because that was the only place I could. It wasn't fair for me to put that kind of pressure on myself. I have the luxury of not needing to work, financially speaking, which has allowed me this freedom. If things were different I don't know what we'd do.
I don't have any specific advice regarding your work situation--only you can decide if it's worth it. But I just wanted to say, please be kind to yourself. Remember, you have an infant and a toddler--even if you were on maternity leave, I would tell you it's okay to cut everything down to the absolute bare minimum. Laundry, cooking, cleaning, parties, gym, dieting--all of it, just do what you have to do to get through the day and if everyone gets some food and some sleep by the end of the day it's fine, whether you're clean or not. Everyone says date nights are important and I suppose they are, but again I think it's OK to jettison them if they're too much work.
Do try to squeeze out one thing a day or even one thing a week that makes you feel good about yourself, even if it's just taking 5 minutes to eat a delightful piece of chocolate. And remember, right now all is temporary. It will get better. Really.
If this is advice that you're not looking for, then ignore me. But, I'm gonna say it anyway: You've been sounding very very hopeless lately. I know that things are very stressful for you, but is it really the case that all of grad school comes down to the next few months or it was all for nothing? Or perhaps maybe possibly are things colored particularly dark for you right now because of some PPD? Please please please look into getting some help on that front before you make any real career decisions.
Well, I am not sure if I can offer anything helpful, since I am staying home (and hopefully, being a role model of a different sort to my kids). But it sounds as if you have lots of options, which is wonderful, especially in this economy.
I have wondered for a long time how you do it all. And I know from a friend who works that that "compliment" is not a compliment, but please know I am not being catty. I truly and seriously don't know how you managed all that you for so long. Not only do YOU work, but your husband's schedule is crazy busy, too. And the traveling? And the late nights yourself? It just all seems like so much.
So, if you have the ability to step into something less stressful that will allow you some flexibility and a bit more time with the children, while still allowing you to be the role model you want to be AND bring in money, they, I say, GO FOR IT.
Good luck sorting it all out. You are a smart cookie and I know you will figure out what is best for you and your family!!!
And I also just read the comments through and I do wonder if Nicky might be right. Can you talk to a trusted advisor to find out if your perspective is correct or possibly slanted by your current emotional state? I'd hate to see you do something drastic if you don't want to, if it didn't need to be done.
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