marching along

(and yes, stroller post soon)

I finally caved and went to talk to someone about PPD. Mostly because of a single incident where I imploded at my darling husband at a rather unfortunate moment. I had finally caved, call the babysitter and a restaurant and we had plans to go out just the 2 of us for the first time in ... 7 months. Huh.

And then everything fell apart. The fusspot bit her lip at bedtime (which she'd bit the day before) resulting in a lot of crying and blood and new sheets. The baby refused to nurse, making me worried about going out without a pump. I had to put in a load of laundry (ice cream on the way home resulted in chocolate ice cream smeared into the stroller straps ...), I got an e-mail I had to respond to ... and I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't even manage to call the poor babysitter who arrived at our doorstep only to be told to go home (ok, she lives 8 feet away. It wasn't that awful).

And the appointment was ... an utter waste of time. Yeah, there's probably something hormonal going on. No, I'm not really a good candidate for meds at the moment. We could "talk" some but when 5 minutes in Dear Dr. Clueless asked whether the dumpling was "planned" I realized it wasn't going to go so well. Yeah, I'd already mentioned the IF but beyond that ... so what? What if he was an "accident"? What if this was poor timing on our part? (Not that I in any way think that's true). It's a little late to think about returning him, eh?

Yeah, my life is a bit overwhelming. I wish that I didn't single parent 6 days a week. I wish that I had more daycare (the dumpling can only go about 12-14 hours a week until mid-August because of the other family's schedule). I wish my back wasn't so painful. I wish my toddler slept through the night. I wish I had time for PT. I wish that I had a housekeeper. I wish that I didn't land up doing the dishes/laundry/cleaning/planning/cooking most of the time. I wish that I wasn't under a huge amount of pressure from work.

But none of that is really going to change, and what I need to work on is coping mechanisms.

I have a wonderful husband. I have 2 beautiful, healthy babies. I have a lovely apartment in a lovely city and a decent scattering of casual friends around. I have 2 really good close friends, even if both live abroad. I have the money to order take-out if I'm tired or ask a friend's nanny to come help out one evening a week. I am going to join a new synagogue next month when we move and hopefully met some nice people there.

Which is all to say that not much has changed, but I am firmly resolved to get through it. Oh, and finish up this silly degree too. And get a real job. Who knows, my blog may actually transition from whiny to inspirational in the next 12 months.

And now I'm off to the airport with my 2 babies in tow to visit my parents. Do wish my luck on that friend. Biting my tongue is one of those fundamental skills I should probably work on.