I really am trying to break out of this rut

because I seem to have fallen into a rather sad rut. I snapped at my toddler today, and I never do that (this is not to boast. We all have different parenting strengths and one of mine is never, ever snapping or yelling).

Yesterday I was so frustrated with the-baby-who-is-only-happy-while-being-held (but delightfully happy as long as he is upright or snuggled next to a warm body. So content that my darling dumpling slept 12.5 hours last night with only one snack in the midst) and the toddler who kept waking the baby-who-is-only-happy-when-being-held ("I don't want to be quiet!" suggests both that she understood the issue at hand, and, well, had her own agenda) that I placed my semi-nude toddler (i.e. undies only, shul-appropriate dress, cardigan and shoes dangling off the stroller) and cranky baby in the stroller and vowed to walk until they both calmed down (for the record, it took under a mile and we still made it to shul on time although the fusspot got stuck with non-matching shoes due to our hurried departure).

I think that I have just lost my coping mechanisms. Little things which really don't matter in the big scheme are affecting me.

To the former friend who has a passworded blog, bad idea to forget who you gave the password to. Because you see, posting that you were in NYC last week and it was incredible!!! to see all of your favorite people in one short week, complete with photos of all the friends you saw, well, in all honesty it stings a little bit.

And to one of my closest friends (thankfully there's still an "s" there but we're getting awfully close to the singular), I really do understand that you are busy. But see, since you're moving abroad again for an indefinite period and all, it would have been nice if you'd talked to me about your plan to visit pre-departure so that I could have told you I would be out of town that week.

And to all of my colleagues without kids, I do understand that it would be a complete and utter waste to leave my program at this particular junction. The type of waste that even my children might ask in 10 years what exactly I did with my mid to late-20s ... but there is such a thing as a sunk cost. And while I can work non-stop and give it my all, that also means that I will wake up in September with a dirty house, a husband I haven't spoken to in weeks, and a 6 month old. And at some point it may or may not be worth it.

But for the moment it's only 10 pm on Saturday night and I am back to work for at least another 4-5 hours.