oh well

So tomorrow is the big day. And I'm still feeling terrified.

I really do feel like once we see a heartbeat, our odds are pretty good. Statistically I'm a high risk for a miscarriage due to insulin resistance, severe PCOs, and other hormonal imbalances. In terms of track record, we've been incredibly lucky.

The temporary good news is that JD is not being sent out of town. The bad news is that he still won't be there because he has an "important conference call." Seriously. I'm pissed, but nothing to be done about it. I am 1000% sure that if he explained to his colleagues why he had to miss the call, they'd squirm and say fine. But he's not going to, and there's nothing I can do about it. Of course, that also means I can't actually talk to him after the appointment. And since the only family member I've told happens to live in Europe at the moment , I really won't have anyone to share the news with.

Which just raises the question of what I'll do if it's bad news. And the sad truth is probably proceed exactly as planned for the rest of the day, with the possible exception of taking a cab home if I'm not feeling well. So, wake up in the morning. Rush to take the fusspot to daycare and make this appointment (which needless to say was only scheduled early for JD's convenience. Yes, I'm still bitter). Appointment, errand in the neighborhood, collect fusspot and take her to the park for a playdate. Beginning of heat wave so the rest of the weekend will be spent chasing free AC in the city. I doubt they'd be able to do a D and C tomorrow (and have no idea if I could even have one given that I'm nursing), so dealing with any bad news will be postponed until Monday (by which point JD may of course be sent out of the city).

If it's good news, I will end the doom and gloom and wallow in dry heaving and a rather distinct little belly popping through. I will also go ahead and schedule my first midwife appointment, which I have currently and fully intentionally scheduled for a day that I am out of town.

I'm sure this is endlessly boring, but I like to make plans. I need to know what I'm going to do if I find out there's no heartbeat and I am sitting all alone in an unfriendly RE's office without childcare for the day or practically anyone to talk to about it.