The truth is that this go-round (note: still avoiding the p-word) has been a lot rougher than the first time. And that's saying something given that last time we were convinced it would be multiples and I was living alone in Europe without access to even a beta, let alone a doctor I could call and talk to. Oh, and planning a wedding.
And the worst part about it is that I know that I am lucky to have skipped some of the awful first trimester symptoms. No nausea at all, everything tastes good (not that I'm eating all that much, but more on that later).
So here are my complaints:
1. I am tired. Super-incredibly tired. Honestly, I feel like I have mono. All I want to do is sleep. I usually go to bed around 1 am, up by 7 every day. Spend about 6 hours a day at a desk, but even during that time I run home for lunch, run a few stairs, run a few errands. And now, by the time I put the fusspot in bed at 7:30 pm I have trouble concentrating enough to read a magazine. I have been napping for 15-30 minutes every day I can squeeze it in, but even that isn't enough anymore. I feel myself losing patience with the fusspot, failing to do basic things (like cook), realizing I ought to dash out and put in a load of laundry or vacuum and I just don't have the energy.
2. It's hot and I have to pee all the time. Last time I was 'growing' during the summer we were in City Y and had AC and a car. Now we're in NYC sans either. I try to stay hydrated, but there are almost no bathrooms near any of the playgrounds where I take the fusspot every day. Twice I've waited 15 minutes for the bus, and then had to leave just as it pulled up to dash to a bathroom. I am terrified of running to Starbucks and finding a long line and just not being able to hold it.
3. I am terrified of starving the baby, but also not sure how much/what sugars I should be eating. For the record, last time I ate everything including sugary dessert priors to my gestational diabetes diagnosis (even though we now know I never had GD but was just insulin resistant, and the fusspot probably had some IUGR-like experience due to my restrictive diet and not gaining a single pound the 3rd trimester. She has also consistently missed every benchmark by about 3 months which is consistent with being undernourished). So every time I consider eating a bagel/crackers/pasta/yogurt/basically any type of simple carb I keep thinking "But uncontrolled sugars could kill the baby and you're not testing" and then I panic because I'm still breastfeeding/exercising/using a million calories and I need to eat, I'm just not sure what. I may just cave and start testing my blood sugars this week if it will make me feel better.
And then, every time I start to admit to myself and JD that I'm doing too much, that I can't possibly continue to work full-time with 30 hours of daycare a week (meaning I try to put it in 2-4 hours of work every night after the fusspot goes to bed) in addition to running a household with a husband who is sometimes not home before midnight for a week in a row, meaning I can't necessarily count on him to do anything specific at any given time for us, I worry that JD will say "that's fine but we're not doing this again." While the jump from 1 to 2 may be pretty common around here, the jump from 2 to 3 is an easy choice to skip. And I don't want to skip it. I want to do this again, if possible (or of course grow our family some other way , which will also be stressful and time and money-intensive).
I'm sorry if you're reading this and it strikes you as incredibly whiny and self-indulgent. I realize that I am SO incredibly lucky to have been given this chance. It's just that last time I had a symptom-free pregnancy and the greatest hassle was making it to all of my high-risk appointments (up to 7 per week by the final weeks) while working full-time. Now I am working and parenting full-time and finding it hard to figure it out.
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5 comments:
Sorry- this is super long!
I can't even imagine doing all ~I~ do while pregnant. Everything you do- without a stay at home partner like spoiled rotten me!- makes me feel exhausted just reading it!
For me with Pumpkin the first few weeks- up to about week 9 or so- were bone tired. Not nauseous- just completely drained. And I didn't have a toddler then- every day is more challenging with just her- so I think it is completely understandable to be stressed, overwrought & just plain old tired at this point! It doesn't really matter what has happened before (or what IF badge you earned) because it is a hard thing no matter the history. I think every IF'er realizes that the story isn't always rosy & perfect after getting that 2nd line- and yes it sucks big time to go through IF to get there & there is usually a little ping when someone else gets there before us- but I for one never got upset seeing anyone's realistic complaints during pregnancy at any stage!
I wouldn't stress yourself more about starving the baby right now- isn't it the 10th or 12th week before the yolk sac is gone & the placenta takes over? Yes- you should be as healthy as possible and eat as well as you can, but don't stress yourself more right now. You can always discuss your thoughts at your next appointment & work with your doc (or maybe a nutritionist?) to get a meal plan that can work for you now that you know all your previous experiences. My sister will most likely have to do that as well if she ever gets pregnant and it seems like it is going to help her before she even gets there.
Sorry for the novel- I hope you get a nice burst of energy soon & I also hope the horrible food aversion & nausea that struck me down at 9 weeks misses you completely!
Don't be silly. OF COURSE you're allowed to whine. The Wondertwins were teenagers when I was pregnant with Jack and it still killed me trying to take care of them. I have never been more tired in my life (yes, even including the newborn phase). I likened it to being darted with a sedative. One minute I was fine and the next I could lay down on the sidewalk, pee and then sleep.
You are crazy-busy and doing everything all at once. You're going to be exhausted and you're allowed.
Whine away, my friend. I'm glad you have something to whine about. :)
Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you, and I hope the the fatigue passes quickly. I'd test your sugars; it's just one less thing to worry about, you know?
Working on planning the trip to see you guys, and I'm getting RIDICULOUSLY excited about it. /blush/
Um, yeah, I guess if you're worried about the sugars, I'd test. Not obsessively, but occasionally. Eat the bagel, see how you react. But I think that it's technically impossible to starve the baby during most of the first trimester. I constantly remind myself that there are women who are so sick that they don't eat *anything* for three months. You'll make up for it later if you have to. In the mean time, I would run some blood sugar experiments on yourself, so that you know how much leeway you actually have.
Don't worry about whining -- pregnancy, even a very much wanted, very lucky pregnancy, isn't easy. And you have more on your plate than you did last time.
Be kind to yourself. Take a nap, serve takeout, let the dust bunnies throw a party -- basically, keep your effort for the fusspot and other essentials. You have the rest of your life to be on top of the domestic stuff, but who knows how many more times you'll get a first trimester?
And now E is throwing herself off a table, so I have to run.
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