No news

First, the funny stuff.

Yesterday night JD looks at my tummy and announces rather loudly: "Don't even think of blaming all of that on the baby."

And then this morning he rolls over, smiles sleepily at me and says: "Oh wow. Your double chin is definitely back."

So ...

Tonight after dinner I had 2 chocolate chip cookies, a bite of ice cream (with caffeine - super-yummy coffee flavor) and then lay on the couch with both hands on my stomach and ... nothing. JD also put his hands on my stomach and nothing. The ob/gyn I last saw at 18 weeks in City X had made some comment about how I was most likely to feel movement right after dinner when I was 'sitting watching TV.' Well, we don't own a TV and I usually get my 2nd or 3rd wind after dinner so I was wondering if I'm just not sitting still long enough to feel the movement. But at least tonight, definitely not much going on. Oh, and I'll be 22 weeks at motzei shabbos (i.e. Saturday night).

Thanks

Thank you for all the suggestions on how to make my very sleepy insider kick. I will be working on them until further notice.

[A little side note: I have definitely checked on the placement of the placenta and it is posterior and not interfering with feeling movement. I don't really have an option to switch to an ob/gyn at this point, although I supposed I'm still on the wait list for 8 different practices and I might be able to call back and nag them. I don't really know how the rest of the world works, but in NYC there are very few doctors who deliver babies because of the malpractice insurance and hospital costs and even fewer who do so with an option to avoid a C-section, so I think I'm stuck with my midwife. And I didn't even see my midwife on Monday, but someone else in her practice because she was delivering a baby. Of course, still waiting for my GT results and leaving the country on Friday afternoon (and cell phone range) doesn't make me thrillled ....]

Other than my obsessing, our trip is going great. I don't know many people who would be as thrilled to start their honeymoon at 8 am in Port Authority NYC waiting for a greyhound and fall asleep around 2 am on an air mattress on the floor, but we are. JD and I commuted primarily by bus between NYC and Boston for the first 4 years of our relationship and it brought back all sorts of nostalgic memories of calling from buses stranded in the snow, traffic, breakdowns, bus weirdos, arriving into South Station after the T had shut done or before it had opened, all of our fine, cheap travel adventures ...

We're actually visiting some of my relatives at the beach yesterday and today and having a great time. They now own the house where I was living the first full semester JD and I were together and we used to sneak out here and enjoy the utter luxury (remember, we were 22 and just out of college) of having the run of a full house together. Albeit, a house with intermittent water and no trash pick-up so we had to carry little stinky bags of trash all the way to the commuter boat or T and sneak them into the garbage containers (the house is now fully renovated).

We went by Jacqu.es To.rre chocolates in Manhattan on Tuesday night and bought the NYT's recommended chocolate chips for their favorite chocolate chip cookies and have been munching on them all day. My aunt also special-ordered ice cream from Oregon which UPS delivered on dry ice yesterday night and has been a main part of my dairy intake. Maybe it's for the best I haven't got my GT test results yet ... Watched our first Olympics coverage with people who really understand the events, walked on the beach, explored the basement and otherwise are having a fabulously relaxing time. It's 11 am and JD's still asleep so I think I'll go back to bed ...

21.5 weeks and no kicking

Nothing. No bubbles, gas pains, kicking. Nada.

And I was honestly doing ok with it. Remember, I've been focusing on embracing my inner earth-mother. Dr. Google says that anytime between 16 and 24 weeks is fine, and that it may be on the later side with a first pregnancy.

But then yesterday the midwife (not my midwife, her partner, she was at a delivery) seemed very, very surprised by the lack of kicking. She quickly dopplered me and assured me all was well, but then really freaking me out by asking me to call in when I first felt movement (my next appointment is not for a month because of all this travel. In fact, it's the very night I return to NYC).

So maybe I wasn't meant to be a midwife patient. I thought that I would have the best of both worlds with an ob/gyn through the first trimester and half of the second trimester because I was in City X and then a midwife for the third trimester and delivery. But now? Not so sure.

The midwife assured me that the baby is fine because of the doppler heartbeat and the anatomy scan (um, 5 weeks ago) and my weight gain. But that calm lasted for all of about 10 seconds. Am I wrong in thinking that you can't tell restricted growth without an ultrasound? What if the baby is already falling behind while I try to meditate and eat granola? What if I have a serious nutritional deficiency (yes, that reminds me, time for another GI appointment as soon as I'm back). What if my co.rt.is.ol is restricting growth? Shouldn't we do something about that before 26 weeks when I next see the midwife (that would be practically the 3rd trimester)?

The midwife went so far as to suggest that 'larger' women might feel movement later. Now, I know I have ginormous breasts but I weighed 129 lbs when I got pregnant. I don't think that exactly qualifies as 'larger' at 5'4". I'm curvy, but I will not take the label of fat for my 129 lbs (which I fought very, very hard to put back on thank you very much. I was not a pretty sight at 95 lbs and shrinking).

I asked if there were any tricks to feel the baby move and she suggested sitting still on the couch after dinner. Here I sit, no movement. And I asked if drinking OJ would help, but she said that's really a trick for a much larger baby.

So I'm trying to think positive thoughts. And not even consider a quick little ER run during our trip. But at one point should I panic? 24 weeks? Before?

Preliminary thoughts

I always knew that balancing 2 families from very different cultures was going to be hard. I just thought that the battles would start a bit later. Which is not to say that anyone's picking a fight, but a few little things became apparent over dinner today at JD's parent's:

- My culture names after deceased relatives as a sign of respect. JD's culture absolutely forbids the reuse of a name within a family.
- My family believes in breastfeeding and attachment-style parenting. JD's family are pro-formula (although they concede the health benefits of bf, just don't think it's worth the craziness) and don't really see the need for both parents to be near the baby.

Which brings us to tonight's realization. I was kind-of counting on JD's mother to come help out for a couple of days (think 2-4) after I give birth.* She likes babies, she has a decently flexible schedule where she could take a couple of days vacation without advance notice. We're only 2 hours away. But ... she wants to pick me and baby up from the hospital and take us out to their house. So we'll have space. And she can hire help. And she just doesn't understand why JD needs to be near the baby. Apparently JD's father did not see him until he was a year old.** And they honestly have a fabulous relationship. I just don't think it's fair to him. Or the wonderbaby. And JD is the most calming person in my life. We weren't supposed to see each other the day of the wedding, but I wouldn't have survived the stress if my family had enforced the no phone call rule.

[Side note: We dropped by my friend's today to meet her newborn daughter. Lots of fun. I'll write about that later. But more relevant, she was also bounced from the gold-plated rose-scented birthing center for a very minor complication which did not impede her all-natural childbirth. And then she was told that her husband had to leave at the end of visiting hours and leave her alone with the baby. And the only alternative was to pay $750 for a private room for 8 hours so that he could stay past 8 pm. Really? $750? We don't have that, and I certainly don't plan to be alone (I know, there are nurses around. But they are there for medical problems, not my personal assistance) so I'm guessing that we'll be lobbying to get discharged ASAP or opting to leave baby alone in the hospital if necessary so that JD and I can go home together. Thank you NYC].

In her culture it is very taboo for a post-natal woman to go out and about for the first month (and I mean, literally taboo to leave the house). So she's a bit horrified by my plans. And she would be totally fine with me leaving the baby at her house during the week. From birth. But I'm not. And I know she couldn't bf because of medical complications, but I want to bf. And even if it's a disaster, I know I'm not going to give up in less than a month. Or give a bottle the first week or two unless my doctor recommends it.

These are just my preliminary thoughts. I'm still trying to sort out how to balance these issues. I thought we'd resolved the really big issues by deciding (long before we even started dating, by the way, but long after we knew I was infertile) that our children would be raised in an observant household but they would learn JD's native language (a language I still cannot speak after 2 years of classes and numerous attempts). I thought that was a very generous compromise which will entail me committing to teaching them a language I cannot speak. But seems like we're going to have issues long before we get to even the baby naming ...

* In order for JD to get his fabulously long family leave, he needs to not take more than a day or two for the birth itself. If he has to take more than that, chances are they will make him take all of it then, which is a totally waste for me, and I'll be flying off around the world alone come June because he won't have a single vacation day.

** Although JD did not move to the U.S. until age 10, his parents were already in the process of emigrating when he was born. The separation was obviously not by choice but because of their limited financial means and their commitment to finding the best place to raise their son. After JD's father returned to visit him, his mother left and did not see her son again for almost a decade because of visa issues and the cost of traveling. And they have an incredibly warm, loving, healthy relationship.

More thoughts: I should add for the record but that I wasn't exactly sure what JD thought about all this during dinner, but I asked him after dinner. And he really couldn't understand why I wouldn't come stay with his parents. Immediately after giving birth. Or why I would be upset he couldn't bond with our newborn. He's totally not opposed to my refusing, but he doesn't understand my frustration. He will obviously support whatever decision I make and translate it appropriately for his parents.

Hm ...

Why am I back in NYC in the first place today? (Especially after the most awful traffic on I-95 N. through the rain yesterday night and the fact that JD and I could have been reimbursed for the hotel room if we'd just pulled over rather than drove until midnight ...): The GTT.

Now I've had this test done several times and I know what's involved. I usually have the 3-hour test, but today they're just doing a 1 hour test. At 21 weeks. And the midwife is going to let me drink apple juice and some precut amount of white bread instead of the orange syrup. But it doesn't make me any happier that I might very well have had my last ice cream of the summer. Oh, and I'll be traveling for the next 3 weeks - should be fabulous if they put me on insulin ...

And I have to admit I'm actually less concerned about the diet and even the insulin than the idea that I will be immediately ineligible for the gold-plated, rose-lined birthing center that everyone around here uses. GD means that I will automatically be in a regular L and D, and gives me a really, really high chance of a c-section (in this city).

And of course I start googling the test, which I have done before. And there it is, on we.b.m.d., I think, reasons the test might be high besides GD: high co.rti.so.l. Which is my weirdest hormonal balance by far, and one that none of my specialist endocrinologists or 3 RE's had much to say about except 'weird' and 'definitely might explain your problems, but there's no research since the 1950's on it.' Great.

7:12 am

Woke up in the mini-apartment in NYC with an awful leg cramp (these are really supposed to be a normal side effect of pregnancy? Weird).

And what did I hear? The baby,* babbling away in the hallway.

Home.

* For any new readers, the baby haunted my early days of IF treatments. A charming little boy, the baby was born a week or two before I moved into my new apartment in NYC and his parent's bedroom is directly next to mine. So while they co-slept, I heard his every cry through the night. I did about half of my early treatments while listening to his midnight feeding, most of my early posts were written during his 2-3 am feeding ... and usually woke up to his (toddler) brother's shoes tossed onto my doormat or their double stroller blocking the hall ... nothing against the family at all but it is tough to lie in bed wondering if you'll ever be able to have kids while listening to someone else's newborn cry plaintively ... the good news is that he's now been moved into his brother's room about 10 feet down the hall so we don't hear him quite as clearly while lying in bed (this is all from the early archives - I'm too tired to link to the posts today).

Funny

The stars aligned this morning.

The movers were late (i.e. I was ready when they got there).
A friend showed up to drop off a mix CD for us and just happened to be driving by the airport on his way out of town so he could drop my sister at the airport (no cab fare required).
And then, first time ever, JD's boss invited me to join them for lunch. At a super-elegant, fancy club. And the movers finished just in time that I could grab a pair of heels out of box as it left the door and fly out of the apartment to lunch.

And lunch was lovely, but there was one pretty funny moment. JD's boss is in his 80's. He is a bit conservative about people's personal behavior, and we were a bit nervous about having asked him to officiate at our civil wedding but not having had a chance to tell him about our little secret prior to the ceremony. And apparently he didn't even find out until a few days after the wedding. He told JD he'd heard the news and he didn't sound upset, but I can still imagine that this is not exactly the precise order of things he finds best.

He asked where we were off to today and JD explained that we're driving up to NYC, visiting his parents, dropping by some relatives 5 hours away and then flying off to our fabulous honeymoon. He must have said something about going hiking (I prefer to think of it as an extended stroll, but let's not quibble about names) because one of JD's coworkers exclaimed loudly "She's going hiking at 5 months pregnant!" and all of his co-workers snickered awkwardly as JD's studiously ignored the comment.

Now, it's quite obvious at this point that I have a bump but there's just no reason to focus on the exact math in certain company ;-)

But I must say, I've definitely 'popped.' Even the very drunk homeless man outside the bar yesterday night gave me a big thumbs up and wished me the best with 'the whole baby thing.' Hey, I'll take whatever I get in terms of good wishes.

I am feeling much, much better now that the apartment is packed, JD will shortly be dashing out of his office, running back to the apartment (all 1.5 blocks) to change into the jeans and t-shirt I have neatly set out in the now completely empty walk-in closet and then we're off! And I do want to say, thank you for all of your supportive comments. For all that my sister and I have slightly different styles, I'm sure that I was much shorter with her and more stressed this week because of finishing up my work and packing and arranging all the little details. I know that she means the very best, and I know that she's excited about my bump and that's what is really important to me.