Lesson learned

My veins are not invincible. No more casually throwing out either arm for blood draws. No more laughing about 6 sticks in one day (yes, I have the glucose tolerance test done frequently). In fact, no more right arm blood draws at all.

My arm still hurts. And not to make myself into a super-hero or anything (because I am occasionally a pain wimp), but I adamantly refused pain killers during my intestine ER visit. And yesterday night that's all I could think about. Couldn't twist my wrist at all and my elbow throbbed. I gave up on the dishes, the laundry, even my shower this morning (because I would have had to brush my mangled hair). But I think it's improving and I have yet to cave to pain meds (Stubborn over clever, any day).

Other than that, it was a long time with someone else's kids. Starting around 7:30 am when I took the little one to school, until 6 pm. But I took them out for a treat at a local cafe this afternoon and ran into a group of my grad student friends who complimented me on their good behavior. Nothing like parading other people's kids around like your own.

I have decided not to stress about this relaxation thing this cycle. I am going to rely on seeing friends, hanging out with other people's well-behaved children, and netflix for relaxation. And of course, trying not to focus on my future homelessness, move to Europe, and wedding. Of course, I have the placebo effect from my yoga DVD should I dwell to long on those things.

More thoughts on insurance

Just a few more thoughts on why this doctor might be a good move. Not only did he bill for PCOs (covered by insurance) but he was willing to do an u/s and lab work and consult on the same day. My current doctor makes you do the baseline consult and u/s on different days so they can bill twice, and would never give lab results over the phone. This doctor says he prefers in person lab reads, but 'since I'm so busy' he'll leave a voicemail with the results (and 'not to worry, he'll only call in the next few days if something important is off' so if everything is normal I shouldn't expect a call until the end of next week). He's clearly more used to real New York people and doesn't group the appointments so that you have to come in at the 8 am or 1 pm time bracket regardless of your day.

Ok, so it was crowded and nosiy in the waiting room and he was running late. But I might be happy about this transition. Of course, we're thinking August at the earliest for this clinic. Gots to focus on the positive this week. And finding something to eat - I think I've had 2 eggs and a diet snapple and an apple with peanut butter all day (did you know they only have 2g of carbs in a whole bottle?)

A better day

We're not on to good yet. And that's mainly because my arm is throbbing. I get blood drawn a lot between the tummy issues, crazy co.rtisol and IF, and I've never had a painful blood draw. I had 2 IV's put in the 2 weeks ago ER without it hurting. But this hurts, which makes me worried.

Anyway, backing up a bit. I was pretty prepared to hate this doctor's office. It's not one of the highest recommended ones and the waiting room was packed full of unfriendly, rushed New Yorkers. And even worse, there was radio music blaring. And a long wait. I went because my long-standing en.docrinologist highly recommended them, and I like her.

But, I really liked the doctor. He was totally not thrilled to see me. Why is IF the one field that gets away with refusing 2nd opinions? He gave me a long lecture on why he couldn't 'second guess' my current doctor (I wasn't asking for guesses), but in the end he gave me a fairly decent answer to my questions. Yes, there's a good chance the cor.tisol needs to be medicated. Yes, there are papers on it but they date back to the 60s because me.tformin fixes a lot of these problems nowadays, but apparently not for me. Yes, there are a few more genetic diseases to test for but otherwise it's probably just me and my life. And no, it's not a problem outside of IF. But once I convinced him that all of my many specialists do not mind a 2nd opinion he cheered up, and even more when I explained that I was a prospective patient of his. In fact, he switched right into IF mood: I got my 'pre-conception lab work' done including thinks like genetic testing which I had never had done before (for a variety of reasons) but am glad to have done now. I got my S.TD testing done for the 2nd time in 3 months. I even got an ultrasound and photo of my ovaries.

He thought the 21 day bcp pack was totally unnecessary, but then reassured me that AF might not even show up because my lining is a mess. Hahaha. My body loves a good joke. No AF at 10:40 am during my ultrasound, so I took out my pad, and AF arrived by noon. Only goes to show how accurate those u/s are.

Anyway, I really like him. He was rushed and busy, but he took time to talk about my specific conditions. He knew the literature. It's a bit annoying that he's old and totally opposed to things like le.troz.ole (I read those studies, I totally think it's safe). He also was very, very optimistic (I had been informed to only go to this clinic if I 'didn't need the warm fuzzies'). He told me he's never had a 26-year old PCOs patient who didn't have a succesful pregnancy in the past 25 years. Which is really reassuring. And he takes insurance (if we have any). So I feel much better.

And, JD has been working extra-hard to get back onto my good side. So lots of e-mails about insurance and such today. He's trying to figure out if it is possible for him to switch to the high-premium high-deductible plan that covers IF and to cobra me (and only me) for the next 18 months (or until we no longer need it). It sounds like a stretch, but it might just work.

Kicked while you're down

There's just nothing like it. We got some very bad news on the insurance front today. After months of nagging JD to check that his new employer would cover IF treatments, he finally called. Answer was a definite no. Of course, he still has 2 other job offers and can easily chose a new specialty and find a new job at this point. But the guilt of having him decline his 'dream job' because it doesn't cover IVF. On the other hand, we're doing this now and if it doesn't work the first time, we'll probably try at least once more. And if it does work easily then we'll definitely try again.

So that's today's big news.

Walking home from a long dinner at which I shuffled around the pieces of egg and lettuce in my salad for a full hour and toasted with tap water, I ran into a girl in my program who I barely know. She told me she really wants to talk to me - about the university's family leave policy. I figured it was an 'academic' question, so I said sure. Now why me, you ask? Because several years ago when there was a committee on work-life stuff, the family crowd was concerned that they would be written off as 'angry mothers' I was asked to be a front for the group as an unmarried, childless woman who clearly could have no personal vested interest in the issue. Which I didn't mind so much at the time.

But I asked this girl what she wanted to talk about, and she gives me this kind-of puzzled look, and says 'I'm due in -.' And because I was with a group of colleagues I had to smile and wish her all the best. Oh, and one of the other people missed this dinner because his wife was in labor. I'm surrounded by babies and preggos, and when I got home tonight I pulled a little toddler mitten out of my coat pocket where I must have stuffed it earlier in the day ... but none of my own. And also, AF late yet again. I'm the only person who can entirely fail to bleed on a progesterone cycle to induce bleeding, but this doesn't make me anymore optimistic about this cycle. It can't increase your chance of success to have AF arrive the very day you take your major meds ...

I'm not actually doing that well

Maybe it was just the relief at sitting down for 10 minutes that made my last post so cheerful. The truth is that I am grumpy and belligerent and have been for the past 3 days. Things that I am annoyed about:

- Being broke
- Other graduate students living much better than us, presumably because their parents are supporting them (um, people, time to grow up) and they're not paying for injections
- Endless wedding hassles
- The roaches which run wild in my apartment. Seriously, they'll run over my feet if I'm not watching. And they come out of the drain while I'm in the shower. And I'm supposed to remain calm and zen
- JD slacking at the moment
- Being perpetually hungry, and now gaining weight again
- Being unable to celebrate my birthday, linked to 'perpetually hungry' - see below
- Realizing that I will spend my 1st ever 2ww sleeping in a crowded, loud, unsafe and quite possibly drug-filled hostel
- Realizing that if I do not find a place to live in Europe there will be no way at all to continue this diet
- Realizing that even if I do find an apartment there is no kosher meat within an hour of where I will be living, so at best I will be surviving on eggs and hard cheese
- Being endlessly told that I am uptight, when, as you can well see, I have a lot to deal with
- Being utterly unprepared for a meeting tomorrow and instead of preparing spending the evening working on taxes because of item #1

In fact, the time I spent with the kids today was the most relaxation I've had in a long time. Which brings me to 2 little things:

1. I took C. to soccer today. Soccer in NYC is not about sports or skills or even socialization (at least not in the 3 and under age bracket), it's about 2 things: a. getting out of your tiny apartment, b. commiserating with other parents. So who should I bump into there but one of my professors. Great. And she says, in her sweetest tone, 'Well, I had no idea you had time to BABYSIT.' And the more I think about it the angrier it makes me. I was watching this child as a favor to a friend who has an inflexible job and does a fabulous job of balancing work and home. And I was having a great time. But, um, if I had managed to have a kid by now I would probably find the time to take them to soccer once a week, or even to hang out with them occasionally. Way to rub in my face that I don't have kids and thus really 'ought' to be in the library 12 hours a day (which I often am).

2. It's my birthday in 2 weeks. On trigger day. And I'll be 'down South' with JD who is being a total slacker and has made no plans. I know, we talk about financial stuff. Fine, normally I would celebrate my birthday in advance with my NYC friends (which happens a lot since it often falls on purim and I will not try to upstage our finest drinking holiday). Except what am I supposed to do this year? I can't go to a bar. I can't go out for dessert. I can't even bake a cake (or 3, like last year) and have people over. Because it's impossible to have a birthday party and neither drink nor eat cake and not raise a million questions. So the absurd diet is ruining my birthday. And let's be honest, my friends are super-busy; unless I send out some type of reminder about the birthday, like, say, an invitation to join me at a bar, there's no way anybody is going to remember. And I know it's not that old, but I'm turning 27. 26 was no rush on IF treatments. 27 is creeping up towards 30 in my books (I'm sorry, if I have older readers, I'm sure we can commiserate about rude 20-somethings together in a few short years).

Ok, back to the taxes. I am grumpy.

A good day

JD is adorable. He is totally engrossed in politics. He knew that I was watching C. and B. this afternoon, but he called anyway to tell me all about the 'big political news.' Then mid-sentence, right after mentioning 2000-dollar-an-hour (really?) pro.stitutes, he says 'Maybe we shouldn't be talking about this with C. there.' So adorable, since C. is 3 years old and happily strapped into her stroller at the time ... and truly, she's not all that political yet.

You know that look mothers get on the street? Especially with sleeping babies? I got me about 10 of those while out for my powerwalk with a sleeping C. in her stroller.

Ever read the book 'Bread and Jam for Frances'? If you haven't, pick up a copy. If you switch a few of the nouns around on pages 2-5, that's my life. Except that there's no happy ending where I get to eat spaghetti and meatballs for dinner. Because it really is getting close to cycle time, so I need to tow the line on the diet. Which resulted in C. and me taking a quick jaunt over to Ta.sti D-Lite today. And then I had to explain to her mother exactly why, on a cold winter day, I had allowed her daughter to spread chocolate ice cream all over her sweatshirt ..

Sorry if this post isn't too clear. A friend's nanny is out sick so I am watching her kids this week - all week, most of the day. They're sweet and adorable and I was rather hesitant to do this mid-cycle, but thus far it's been great. I haven't talked to my friend about IF, but I know she needed some treatment to have her babies and I'm sure she'd be sympathetic. I love watching other people's kids in their own homes because part of what you realize along the way is that each family has their own obsessions and faults, and all the kids turn out fine. Really. I see the parents who plop their kids in front of the TV the moment they get home. Or yell. Or bribe them with candy. And in the long run it really doesn't matter. But I also really love some of these kids, especially the ones I have known since they were born. And if I can love kids who I see a few nights a month at most and who have safe, warm homes of their own, I'm sure I could love a child we adopted. After a little adjustment.

Don't just relax, watch the weather

I meant to post about this last week when I was just back from Europe. It turns out that the trope of 'just relax' is pretty uniquely American. So, to give you a little perspective, my friends at the conference were asking how things were going. Fine. A few minutes later I mentioned that it can be quite odd to commute between NYC and 'somewhere in the South.' The face of my close friend just lit of up. "But of course nothing's working," she said. "Your poor body. Going through all those temperature changes." And she was serious, and 2 other friends confirmed her suspicion that rapid weather changes would absolutely prevent me from having a baby. So there we have it: I don't need to relax, I just need to take a good long vacation near the equator.