Seems like my time abroad was not as rigorous on the diet as I had hoped. I feel like I'm starting the diet all over again. And that is not a good feeling.
I was fine this morning: had my 2-egg salad breakfast with a little fruit, cheese for a snack. But then I was running to my hair appointment so I grabbed a small salad (4g of carbs dressing - I had about 1g) and a plain non-fat yogurt (11g of carbs) and a high-protein bar. Well, I lost that lunch and by the time I got back to my apartment at 5 pm I basically collapsed on the couch from low blood sugar. And I just woke up. So long to having a productive evening.
Oh, and I didn't get my hair dyed. The woman didn't inspire confidence, and apparently it's going to be super-hard to make me look anything close to 'decent.' So I decided to postpone. It'll be cheaper in the South anyway.
And because I need a little more stress, it really is getting close to egg-growing time, so I better shape up on the diet. Because we all know the dangerous guilt that not only stunted but also miracoulously-shrinking eggs can inspire. But at least I got my 2 referrals in hand by the end of the day.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
The drawbacks of obsessiveness
I just called clinic #2. A few perks:
- They actually take insurance, a lot of them
- Oh, oh, oh - they take part in NY State's grant for IVF program*
- They're only 20 minutes from school
- I've been followed by RE there for years, although she's in endocrine, not IF
- They will bill an appointment for PCOs "as long as we don't talk about IF at all"
- Unlike their RE who has a 6 month waiting period, I can be seen next week ...
Well, you know that moment I heard that, I leapt on it. What I would really like at this point, to make me feel better (since ice cream, chocolate, hot chocolate, sprinkles, applesauce, even toast and the like are all out) is a 2nd consult on corti.sol. What I'm getting is officially a consult on PCOs. I'm hoping they interpret this liberally. And who knows, the gatekeeper receptionists often have different ideas than the actual doctors, who couldn't care less about billing. But basically either way I'll get a consult on whether I need to worry about my cor.tisol and how it might interact with PCOs. And if I'm lucky I'll get a feeling whether I like this clinic. So next Tuesday I'm off to another doctor! Of course, I have a baseline on Thursday and I still have to get a referral for that. And I'll be well into my little stash of drugs by Thursday, but who's telling?
And now there is no longer any legitimate excuse to avoid the very sad state of my shower. It's just so pitiful to spend a half hour scrubbing the mildew and polishing the faucets (yes, I find cleaning relaxing but I only do it when inspired so don't expect to be overwhelmed should you ever see our apartment) only to wake up to a pile of dead roaches in the tub. I honestly considered avoiding the shower entirely today, but JD reminded me that that just isn't a very 'grown-up approach to the issue.'
* which I completely and totally don't understand. You have to be a patient, initial consult $440, and have done ovulation induction, before you're eligible, so who exactly is it helping out? Only the people who had a nice little nest egg of $5000 for early appointments but can't cover IVF? Seems like an odd population to target, by which I mean I wish it covered all IF treatments. And honestly, JD and I aren't exactly the most needy patients in the grand scheme of things, but still.
- They actually take insurance, a lot of them
- Oh, oh, oh - they take part in NY State's grant for IVF program*
- They're only 20 minutes from school
- I've been followed by RE there for years, although she's in endocrine, not IF
- They will bill an appointment for PCOs "as long as we don't talk about IF at all"
- Unlike their RE who has a 6 month waiting period, I can be seen next week ...
Well, you know that moment I heard that, I leapt on it. What I would really like at this point, to make me feel better (since ice cream, chocolate, hot chocolate, sprinkles, applesauce, even toast and the like are all out) is a 2nd consult on corti.sol. What I'm getting is officially a consult on PCOs. I'm hoping they interpret this liberally. And who knows, the gatekeeper receptionists often have different ideas than the actual doctors, who couldn't care less about billing. But basically either way I'll get a consult on whether I need to worry about my cor.tisol and how it might interact with PCOs. And if I'm lucky I'll get a feeling whether I like this clinic. So next Tuesday I'm off to another doctor! Of course, I have a baseline on Thursday and I still have to get a referral for that. And I'll be well into my little stash of drugs by Thursday, but who's telling?
And now there is no longer any legitimate excuse to avoid the very sad state of my shower. It's just so pitiful to spend a half hour scrubbing the mildew and polishing the faucets (yes, I find cleaning relaxing but I only do it when inspired so don't expect to be overwhelmed should you ever see our apartment) only to wake up to a pile of dead roaches in the tub. I honestly considered avoiding the shower entirely today, but JD reminded me that that just isn't a very 'grown-up approach to the issue.'
* which I completely and totally don't understand. You have to be a patient, initial consult $440, and have done ovulation induction, before you're eligible, so who exactly is it helping out? Only the people who had a nice little nest egg of $5000 for early appointments but can't cover IVF? Seems like an odd population to target, by which I mean I wish it covered all IF treatments. And honestly, JD and I aren't exactly the most needy patients in the grand scheme of things, but still.
All of this obsessing may go nowhere for now
I waited until the baby and the toddler were off to daycare to call the clinic I'm interested in. The brief summary:
- They don't take insurance, but you may be able to file out-of-network claims.
- You have to do lab work in their lab
- The wait for a consult is only 4-6 weeks, and another 1-2 months before you can start a cycle
- You have to redo all your bloodwork (argh - please no more sets of 3 24-hour urine tests)
- The initial consult is $500
- They don't have help with financing
But, they do have the highest success rates in the area and they are truly and exclusively an IVF clinic. Their webpage doesn't even have any information on non-IVF procedures. And, humorously, they don't even separate out my age bracket. Most statistics have 20-30, then 30-35, then 35-38, 39-40, 41-42 and such. This one has under 35 and above. Then of course there is the question whether I, who has yet to be diagnosed with any truly devastating conditions, need the super-advanced clinic, unlike my sister.
I know I'm jumping the gun, but given our absurd schedules I feel better knowing what we're getting into. And maybe I'll fly up to NYC this summer and have a consult so we can do a cycle in September, if I want. And at least now I can have a serious conversation with JD about different insurance options. Or maybe JD will convince me to be more patient. Or maybe I'll at least get to a 2ww before this summer.
- They don't take insurance, but you may be able to file out-of-network claims.
- You have to do lab work in their lab
- The wait for a consult is only 4-6 weeks, and another 1-2 months before you can start a cycle
- You have to redo all your bloodwork (argh - please no more sets of 3 24-hour urine tests)
- The initial consult is $500
- They don't have help with financing
But, they do have the highest success rates in the area and they are truly and exclusively an IVF clinic. Their webpage doesn't even have any information on non-IVF procedures. And, humorously, they don't even separate out my age bracket. Most statistics have 20-30, then 30-35, then 35-38, 39-40, 41-42 and such. This one has under 35 and above. Then of course there is the question whether I, who has yet to be diagnosed with any truly devastating conditions, need the super-advanced clinic, unlike my sister.
I know I'm jumping the gun, but given our absurd schedules I feel better knowing what we're getting into. And maybe I'll fly up to NYC this summer and have a consult so we can do a cycle in September, if I want. And at least now I can have a serious conversation with JD about different insurance options. Or maybe JD will convince me to be more patient. Or maybe I'll at least get to a 2ww before this summer.
More ramblings, hopefully better edited than yesterday
Why has IVF captured the media/public attention so very much? Yesterday night I had a long conversation with a friend in which he asked why we aren't doing IVF. When I explained that what we are doing is much less painful, dangerous and expensive and than IVF he asked again about success rates. As far as I can tell (and thanks in great deal to Drs. Google) our current plan has a success rate of about 18-20% per cycle (and for us IUI would only increase that a few percentage points at most) and IVF has a success rate of 30-35% for my age group, although that clearly doesn't take into consideration the fact that I may not produce enough eggs for FET ever. So why is the media so obsessed? And why, if you consult Drs. Google sloppily, do you get success rates closer to 50%? This is about the 4th or 5th conversation I've had with friends where they've asked what the hang-up is with IVF. Well, there isn't a significant hang-up for us: we'll be able to finance it in the next year or two, my religious beliefs support the process, and we're viable candidates, but still ... it seems puzzling and a bit annoying that this is the only treatment people are familiar with.
And in part I wonder if IF patients aren't talking about all the other things they tried because IVF is so overwhelming when you get there. I happen to know 2 women who used other IF treatments to get pregnant, but only most incidentally (one of whom was an IUI patient who I just happened to have dinner with 2 days post IUI and she jokingly mentioned that she couldn't drink because she might be conceiving during the dinner ... and sure enough 9 months later she had a beautiful baby).
For all that my ramblings might convince you that we are set on IVF if necessary, I do still have reservations. Primarily of the sort relating to cancer. My bestest friend in the world had ovar.ian can.cer and I'm at high risk from my family history. And that cancer has a mortality rate above 90%. So I am worried about it, but I still think it's standard enough at this point to take the risk, if we have to. And part of me likes the idea of throwing everything into one treatment that's involved and completely scheduled and giving it our all and then moving on. But we're not there yet. And I do wish that my friends had some clue about what is involved in our current treatments.
And in part I wonder if IF patients aren't talking about all the other things they tried because IVF is so overwhelming when you get there. I happen to know 2 women who used other IF treatments to get pregnant, but only most incidentally (one of whom was an IUI patient who I just happened to have dinner with 2 days post IUI and she jokingly mentioned that she couldn't drink because she might be conceiving during the dinner ... and sure enough 9 months later she had a beautiful baby).
For all that my ramblings might convince you that we are set on IVF if necessary, I do still have reservations. Primarily of the sort relating to cancer. My bestest friend in the world had ovar.ian can.cer and I'm at high risk from my family history. And that cancer has a mortality rate above 90%. So I am worried about it, but I still think it's standard enough at this point to take the risk, if we have to. And part of me likes the idea of throwing everything into one treatment that's involved and completely scheduled and giving it our all and then moving on. But we're not there yet. And I do wish that my friends had some clue about what is involved in our current treatments.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Superficial changes
Tomorrow I am giving up my Marilyn Monroe-phase and returning to a much more natural brown hair color (I did warn you this was about superficial issues). I was a fire-engine-red-head for about 3 years, then a Marilyn Monroe blond, but I've been growing out the blond since April and I realized this morning that I really ought to get it dyed brown this week, when there's absolutely no chance at all that I could be harboring any type of insider. I'm not quite ready to give up the blond, but I do want to be back to my natural color by my wedding and I also realized yesterday night: I only have 2 more weeks left in NYC until December. Which is to say that my life is about to get much, much, much crazier.
I sublet my apartment April 1st - August 1st. We have another cycle this month so I'll be staying with JD for at least 2 weeks, then it's off to Europe for a while, followed by the wedding, at least 2 weeks with JD (his minimum), then either another cycle or two or back to Europe. Don't worry if you can't keep this straight, JD can't either. And more than that, he's given up even trying.
The next cycle post-March is a big issue at the moment. The one thing that I am adamant about is that I will not be doing a 2ww during my wedding. I do not want to regret not drinking a toast (let alone grape juice during all the required kiddushes) if a cycle doesn't work. But, we could possibly squeeze one in before the wedding. So, how do I get my doctor to order me drugs this month for a cycle that may or may not be necessary in May when I would most certainly be getting my baseline u/s done abroad and he would have to trust my translation? Because the last thing I want is the stress of committing a fel.ony in both countries by shipping prescription drugs abroad. It may be crazy to be planning out the next 5-6 cycles when our March one might work, but the fact that we've never even gotten to a 2ww makes me cautious about any particular cycle. And for all that it may not be the most optimistic/enthusiastic/hopeful behavior I do think it makes me feel calmer. And one thing I am incredibly thankful for is JD's insistence that we not start this process until we had figured out the finances (note: that's not to say we have the money, by any means) to continue all the way through it's logical conclusion. Please send your prayers/care to Emily (emilythehopeless.wordpress.com) who is towards the end of a very long 2ww and facing a pause and I can't even imagine how I would handle such a disappointment. At least we'll still be plugging away at the clinic (although if we have another canceled cycle, expect extreme grumpiness).
Along those lines, I've been considering starting the long process of choosing a new clinic. Although I love my doctor at the moment, everything else about the clinic is problematic (the waits, the nurses, the billing office - big time, the fact that you can't e-mail the doctor or even leave a voicemail for him, the fact that the nurses always return my calls and they don't know what's going on, the fact that I don't see the doctor so much, the rapidly rising costs). JD will be relocating in the fall but he hasn't chosen a city yet, so I'm trying to chose a clinic closer to me. Especially if we move on to IVF, I want a clinic that's convenient for me. And if it's IVF, we'll know exactly which day he's needed and he can just take a vacation day. Which is to say, maybe all this anxiety about future cycles and new doctors means I really ought to schedule a 2nd opinion on the co.rtisol issue. Or actually unwrap my new yoga DVD.
I sublet my apartment April 1st - August 1st. We have another cycle this month so I'll be staying with JD for at least 2 weeks, then it's off to Europe for a while, followed by the wedding, at least 2 weeks with JD (his minimum), then either another cycle or two or back to Europe. Don't worry if you can't keep this straight, JD can't either. And more than that, he's given up even trying.
The next cycle post-March is a big issue at the moment. The one thing that I am adamant about is that I will not be doing a 2ww during my wedding. I do not want to regret not drinking a toast (let alone grape juice during all the required kiddushes) if a cycle doesn't work. But, we could possibly squeeze one in before the wedding. So, how do I get my doctor to order me drugs this month for a cycle that may or may not be necessary in May when I would most certainly be getting my baseline u/s done abroad and he would have to trust my translation? Because the last thing I want is the stress of committing a fel.ony in both countries by shipping prescription drugs abroad. It may be crazy to be planning out the next 5-6 cycles when our March one might work, but the fact that we've never even gotten to a 2ww makes me cautious about any particular cycle. And for all that it may not be the most optimistic/enthusiastic/hopeful behavior I do think it makes me feel calmer. And one thing I am incredibly thankful for is JD's insistence that we not start this process until we had figured out the finances (note: that's not to say we have the money, by any means) to continue all the way through it's logical conclusion. Please send your prayers/care to Emily (emilythehopeless.wordpress.com) who is towards the end of a very long 2ww and facing a pause and I can't even imagine how I would handle such a disappointment. At least we'll still be plugging away at the clinic (although if we have another canceled cycle, expect extreme grumpiness).
Along those lines, I've been considering starting the long process of choosing a new clinic. Although I love my doctor at the moment, everything else about the clinic is problematic (the waits, the nurses, the billing office - big time, the fact that you can't e-mail the doctor or even leave a voicemail for him, the fact that the nurses always return my calls and they don't know what's going on, the fact that I don't see the doctor so much, the rapidly rising costs). JD will be relocating in the fall but he hasn't chosen a city yet, so I'm trying to chose a clinic closer to me. Especially if we move on to IVF, I want a clinic that's convenient for me. And if it's IVF, we'll know exactly which day he's needed and he can just take a vacation day. Which is to say, maybe all this anxiety about future cycles and new doctors means I really ought to schedule a 2nd opinion on the co.rtisol issue. Or actually unwrap my new yoga DVD.
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Not so clever
I had a rather brilliant thought (at the time) that I would drop my luggage off in my apartment and go straight to the supermarket to stock up for the week. What better way to keep myself awake than to run errands? Seems highly unlikely that I would actually fall asleep walking around the streets of New York. And I didn't fall asleep mid-street. But I did buy some of the oddest collection of groceries ...
Well, I survived three-quarters of a week of restaurant food, in a country I don't speak the language, with relatively few disasters. I caved and had a pastry yesterday. And 1 coffee this week. And tuna twice. Otherwise, not so awful. But I'm going back on the really strict part of the diet to gear up for this cycle.
You might assume that my lethargy comes from jet lag, but I am happy to admit that I practically never get jetlag, even when flying to the upside-down part of the world. Nope, my post-shabbos dinner didn't start till about 10:30 pm (drinks started at 7 pm, but I successfully nursed a bottle of water for more than 2 hours) and lasted till almost 3 am. I'm not repeating this to make you jealous in any way, but rather because I am trying to figure out what exactly is going on with my peers in Europe ...
It turns out that 4 of the 5 women I am friends with and will hopefully work with have little kids at home (like ages 1 and 3 or 7 year old twins or 2 and 4 ...). They're all a few years older than me, say around 30. In fact, the only one without kids is exactly my age. And here's what so odd: I didn't know they had kids. The only one who I was sure had kids invited me over to her house and I have met and played with her kids. But the rest, it just never came up. It's not that these women are negligent or uninvolved - it just seems like kids are really not a source of stress in their lives. We were all at this 5 day conference, and none of them seem to have had a problem leaving the kids with their partners. They all gave birth at home (it's what they do there, they also get 6 weeks of 'light housework' for the new mother provided by the state, but moving on ...) and have full-time daycare and free schools and medical care, and it truly seems like children have interfered with their careers.
They were shocked when I explained that almost every graduate student I know has claimed to the school and their advisors that their pregnancy "was a complete surprise/accident" (which is particularly funny when I know that it's an IVF baby - it's hard to imagine how much amnesia it would take to be 'surprised' by a pregnancy following all those procedures ...). It's just that children are still used as an indicator that women in my profession are not that serious, or at least have a much higher chance of dropping out. And it's true, far more American women in my particular well-educated upper-middle class to upper class socio-economic bracket decide to either pursue non-career jobs or drop out of the work force for a while than the parallel group in Europe.
The contrast was striking. I want kids and I will enjoy them a lot but it will be a major change in my life. I don't expect to be able to stay out dancing till 4 am (Friday night for most of them, I went to bed) and attend 5 day conferences abroad when my kids are still in diapers. I am well aware that I will have to cut back my working hours and spend hours coordinating the minutiae of daycare. But apparently these women don't and I have to admit to being pretty jealous this weekend. I hope the lack of stress rubs off on me this spring and next fall, even if I won't get all the systemic benefits they seem to have.
Well, I survived three-quarters of a week of restaurant food, in a country I don't speak the language, with relatively few disasters. I caved and had a pastry yesterday. And 1 coffee this week. And tuna twice. Otherwise, not so awful. But I'm going back on the really strict part of the diet to gear up for this cycle.
You might assume that my lethargy comes from jet lag, but I am happy to admit that I practically never get jetlag, even when flying to the upside-down part of the world. Nope, my post-shabbos dinner didn't start till about 10:30 pm (drinks started at 7 pm, but I successfully nursed a bottle of water for more than 2 hours) and lasted till almost 3 am. I'm not repeating this to make you jealous in any way, but rather because I am trying to figure out what exactly is going on with my peers in Europe ...
It turns out that 4 of the 5 women I am friends with and will hopefully work with have little kids at home (like ages 1 and 3 or 7 year old twins or 2 and 4 ...). They're all a few years older than me, say around 30. In fact, the only one without kids is exactly my age. And here's what so odd: I didn't know they had kids. The only one who I was sure had kids invited me over to her house and I have met and played with her kids. But the rest, it just never came up. It's not that these women are negligent or uninvolved - it just seems like kids are really not a source of stress in their lives. We were all at this 5 day conference, and none of them seem to have had a problem leaving the kids with their partners. They all gave birth at home (it's what they do there, they also get 6 weeks of 'light housework' for the new mother provided by the state, but moving on ...) and have full-time daycare and free schools and medical care, and it truly seems like children have interfered with their careers.
They were shocked when I explained that almost every graduate student I know has claimed to the school and their advisors that their pregnancy "was a complete surprise/accident" (which is particularly funny when I know that it's an IVF baby - it's hard to imagine how much amnesia it would take to be 'surprised' by a pregnancy following all those procedures ...). It's just that children are still used as an indicator that women in my profession are not that serious, or at least have a much higher chance of dropping out. And it's true, far more American women in my particular well-educated upper-middle class to upper class socio-economic bracket decide to either pursue non-career jobs or drop out of the work force for a while than the parallel group in Europe.
The contrast was striking. I want kids and I will enjoy them a lot but it will be a major change in my life. I don't expect to be able to stay out dancing till 4 am (Friday night for most of them, I went to bed) and attend 5 day conferences abroad when my kids are still in diapers. I am well aware that I will have to cut back my working hours and spend hours coordinating the minutiae of daycare. But apparently these women don't and I have to admit to being pretty jealous this weekend. I hope the lack of stress rubs off on me this spring and next fall, even if I won't get all the systemic benefits they seem to have.
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Just wondering ...
Is it odd that since losing almost 20 lbs in the past month (yes, that math is correct at the moment) the number of people who ask me on a daily basis if I happen to be pg has increased geometrically?
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