well, it's exhausting. We all know that. And it makes you doubt yourself a lot. And at least once a day I snap at the fusspot, and that sucks and I am working very, very hard not to.
That's all background to the awful thing which happened on Friday night. Awful. I haven't even really been able to talk about it much. I waited to tell JD for 2 days. But then again, maybe it's over and done and my ambivalence is not so much a fear of exploring the "what ifs" but a genuine thought that it happened, and people are good, and everything was fine in the end.
On Friday night, while I was chatting with a friend and wrangling the dumpling into shoes at the end of services, someone opened the huge heavy wood door to our synagogue and let the fusspot walk out onto the street. For unknown reasons my fusspot saw the open door (and it has to be held open, there is no way to prop it, and it is a heavy door) and decided to walk home. And neither whoever opened the door nor the security guard noticed. We live almost a mile away. It was almost 9 pm. Dark. Oh, and the street happens to be a rather big one ... let's just called it Broadway.
In summary, I lost my daughter in the big city when she decided to walk herself home at 9 pm at night on a busy, busy street. Don't worry, it gets better. I didn't even notice. The fusspot had been playing with 2 other little girls and I just figured that they were playing together, or that she'd gone to sit in the stroller, or was even just standing behind me. In short, I presumed she was fine because we were in a space we go to every week, where almost everyone knows her name and there are plenty of other children running around and very little mess she can get into, and where she is usually super happy. A man whose name I don't even know spotted her at a street corner, picked her up, and returned her to me. She might have only made it to the first traffic light (about 25 feet from the door), she might have only been gone 30 seconds. It could easily have been several minutes and she could have been much farther. I don't know because I was not paying particularly much attention to the details once I realized that she'd been out on the dark street alone.
It's hard. She started school last week and we've been telling her she can do it, that she'll be fine on her own, that people will be nice to her. We let her walk without holding our hands on the street because she's 3 and a half, and folks, it is hard to run all of your errands on foot with two children and not let them play/wander a bit. And she's never once tried to cross a street alone. She was not in the least scared and far more annoyed to have been returned when she was obviously ready to leave. And we've talked about it every day since.
I don't know. Part of me feels like everything that was supposed to happen happened. A person I don't even really know saw her, asked her what was going on, and brought her back (he's a member of our shul and recognized us, I've just never spoken to him). Presumably if she'd made it farther someone else would have grabbed her and called the police. We live in a neighborhood full of strollers. The traffic is dangerous, but statistically the chances of someone evil grabbing her when she was walking alone are much, much smaller than the chances she'll die in a plane crash or even the chance she'll die in a subway accident. But of course, there's also the part of me that says I failed as a parent. I let my not-yet-four-year-old run wild with 3 other little girls at the end of services and play and as a result she could have been hurt.
Ah yes, and not helping my confidence at all. Both the mother-of-two who told me "But that's why I always watch my children. So scary" at school drop off today. Thanks wonderwoman. I presume that when you have a tantruming toddler who won't put on his shoes and a dear friend wants to simultaneously introduce you to his new fiance, you just pull a pair of handcuffs out of your back pocket and attach your older child to the security bar for a minute or two, right? And of course the fact that her public pre-K seems to have no system for authorizing people to pick up children. Most days I will either pick up the fusspot or our daycare provider will do so, but I'm sure they'll be a few days when we use a babysitter (like, say, this Thursday when she has Chinese), or next week if my father-in-law wants to pick her up. Basically you tell the teacher, she remembers, and she releases her kid. Except there are 18 kids in the room and what if she's out sick for the day? And we know now that the fusspot is confident enough to try and take herself home.
That's all background to the awful thing which happened on Friday night. Awful. I haven't even really been able to talk about it much. I waited to tell JD for 2 days. But then again, maybe it's over and done and my ambivalence is not so much a fear of exploring the "what ifs" but a genuine thought that it happened, and people are good, and everything was fine in the end.
On Friday night, while I was chatting with a friend and wrangling the dumpling into shoes at the end of services, someone opened the huge heavy wood door to our synagogue and let the fusspot walk out onto the street. For unknown reasons my fusspot saw the open door (and it has to be held open, there is no way to prop it, and it is a heavy door) and decided to walk home. And neither whoever opened the door nor the security guard noticed. We live almost a mile away. It was almost 9 pm. Dark. Oh, and the street happens to be a rather big one ... let's just called it Broadway.
In summary, I lost my daughter in the big city when she decided to walk herself home at 9 pm at night on a busy, busy street. Don't worry, it gets better. I didn't even notice. The fusspot had been playing with 2 other little girls and I just figured that they were playing together, or that she'd gone to sit in the stroller, or was even just standing behind me. In short, I presumed she was fine because we were in a space we go to every week, where almost everyone knows her name and there are plenty of other children running around and very little mess she can get into, and where she is usually super happy. A man whose name I don't even know spotted her at a street corner, picked her up, and returned her to me. She might have only made it to the first traffic light (about 25 feet from the door), she might have only been gone 30 seconds. It could easily have been several minutes and she could have been much farther. I don't know because I was not paying particularly much attention to the details once I realized that she'd been out on the dark street alone.
It's hard. She started school last week and we've been telling her she can do it, that she'll be fine on her own, that people will be nice to her. We let her walk without holding our hands on the street because she's 3 and a half, and folks, it is hard to run all of your errands on foot with two children and not let them play/wander a bit. And she's never once tried to cross a street alone. She was not in the least scared and far more annoyed to have been returned when she was obviously ready to leave. And we've talked about it every day since.
I don't know. Part of me feels like everything that was supposed to happen happened. A person I don't even really know saw her, asked her what was going on, and brought her back (he's a member of our shul and recognized us, I've just never spoken to him). Presumably if she'd made it farther someone else would have grabbed her and called the police. We live in a neighborhood full of strollers. The traffic is dangerous, but statistically the chances of someone evil grabbing her when she was walking alone are much, much smaller than the chances she'll die in a plane crash or even the chance she'll die in a subway accident. But of course, there's also the part of me that says I failed as a parent. I let my not-yet-four-year-old run wild with 3 other little girls at the end of services and play and as a result she could have been hurt.
Ah yes, and not helping my confidence at all. Both the mother-of-two who told me "But that's why I always watch my children. So scary" at school drop off today. Thanks wonderwoman. I presume that when you have a tantruming toddler who won't put on his shoes and a dear friend wants to simultaneously introduce you to his new fiance, you just pull a pair of handcuffs out of your back pocket and attach your older child to the security bar for a minute or two, right? And of course the fact that her public pre-K seems to have no system for authorizing people to pick up children. Most days I will either pick up the fusspot or our daycare provider will do so, but I'm sure they'll be a few days when we use a babysitter (like, say, this Thursday when she has Chinese), or next week if my father-in-law wants to pick her up. Basically you tell the teacher, she remembers, and she releases her kid. Except there are 18 kids in the room and what if she's out sick for the day? And we know now that the fusspot is confident enough to try and take herself home.
5 comments:
Yeah, so scary. Let's just be thankful that a friendly acquaintance did notice her and brought her back.
It is totally unfair for that mom to be judgmental about the fusspot getting away. Kids are quick. It doesn't take but a second and it could happen to even the most diligent parent. (And if wonderwoman really is that great of a helicopter parent, her kids are going to have their own set of problems to deal with later).
We took Michael to a tractor show this weekend, and I was shocked at the number of kids I saw walking around wearing those backpack leashes... people walking their kids like dogs. I'm probably more like you and have taught Michael to walk near me most places and trust him. And I'd like to sit back and judge those parents 'walking' their kids, but if that what they feel is necessary to keep their kids safe, well, then it is necessary.
I hope she doesn't go on anymore adventures, but drill it into the fusspot that she's never allowed to leave a building/ walk home/ cross the street with out a family member or babysitter (etc.) and perhaps if she manages to make it out somewhere maybe she'll realize she needs to turn back to get an adult.
Do your best and teach her well. If you are really, really worried about it, they sell little signaling devices that the child can pull if they get lost and someone will call your cellphone. Peace of mind is a very valuable thing.
I was a fiercely independent child (still am). I would do that stuff to my mom all the time... I knew how to have my mom paged at Wal-Mart and did it several times before kindergarten. Ran away a couple of times. And yes, I wore a leash as a child too.
Stay strong. Single parenting (any kind of parenting really) is tough.
We all make those kind of mistakes. I've "lost" my child at shul many times, but it never crossed my mind that him and his friend might actually try to LEAVE!!! At least nothing happened, and now you know what you have to watch out for. Don't be so hard on yourself. Unfortunately we live in a day in age when we can't really let kids be kids. One of my Zayde's favorite stories is how my dad used to walk himself home from kindergarden every day at lunch...and my dad's favorite story is how him and his siblings were left at Hebrew school for hours after because my Zayde forgot to pick them up! These things still happen, they just are a much bigger deal now. Kids and parents are no different now-we just have to be that much more diligent...
hang in there!
I think I say this to you a lot, or at least think it when I read your blog posts. I literally don't know how you do it. I could not handle two kids in the city alone. So, really ignore judgmental mommy.
In the end, the fusspot is alright. You learned something about your daughter's impulsive and independent nature (which will be great when she's twenty but not af three and a half) and can figure out how to keep her from wandering off again. Don't beat yourself up about it too much. You are obviously doing a pretty good job of raising her and the dumpling from what I can see here from blogland,.
I don't know how you do it. I try hard not to hover, to foster independence because when they grow up it is vital. But now- at not yet 4 it's terrifying. And my heart jumps just reading these words so I can only imagine how you are beating yourself up.
But try not to. I am 100% sure that this won't happen again. That the fusspot will hear this story told to her over laughter at her being so grown up. It is hard to wrangle two on your own. I struggle in a very calm and quiet neighborhood where the neighbors all know each others business and watch out for all the kids. And I usually have the hub to grab one if I need to tend to a tantrum.
I am so glad the fusspot was found quickly by someone that knows you and returned her. I am so sorry that you went through that. Take a deep breath. This parenting sh!t is hard...
oh, the anguish, I know. My four year old just up and left my aunt's house because he was mad I asked him to wait for a snack. This child has never shown the inclination to just...leave. My neighbor saw him and kept him talking while she called me. I was mortified, so scared, and full of what if's. In the end, it happens. But it is so scary. Sorry you went through that.
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