I went to bed around 1:30 am. The fusspot woke up wet at 3 am and proceeded to wake the dumpling (we're all sleeping in one room at the moment). I carried a very grumpy fusspot to the living room, nursed dumpling back to sleep, changed and snuggled the fusspot ... rushed out the door to school/work ... stepped on a bee in Central Park and now have a rather ouchy foot ...
Of course, I also got to spend a half hour with the fusspot in Starbucks before her Chin.ese class. I had this fantasy that since it was just the two of us for once we would take her sketchpad to Central Park and color and read books. But no, she was quite clear that she wanted to "go to that place with the chocolate milk with straws in the counter" and so we did. And she had such a great time perched on the windowsill chattering about all of the people who came into the store.
Here's the thing: I have always been committed to working. For financial reasons yes (and more importantly to reduce the stress of being the sole breadwinner on my husband especially given the uncertainty of this economy) but also because I watched my mother work part-time at a traditionally female job and have seen how her work is perpetually undervalued. She has always wished in retrospect that she had a more useful degree. And I have also been given every possible educational benefit: elite prep school, graduated debt-free from an elite college (ok, under $2000 in debt, and most of that was from unpaid parking tickets my ex accrued on my car while cheating on me ... always a great story when I explain exactly why I desperately needed my first post-graduate job at that ever-iconic Mall of A.me.erica), attended 7 years of graduate school with a very generous stipend. It seems like all of that must have been toward something.
But there was a moment when I picked the fusspot up from school last week when I started to dread the future. She's actually in a full-day free pre-K program, so her schedule is the same as the elementary and middle school kids. And there I was lined up to collect her at 2:45 pm. And the thought of 15 more years of mid-afternoon school pick-ups, of rushed school lunches packed in the morning, of doctors appointments squeezed into weird teacher workdays. Absolutely nothing about the current educational schedule is set up to allow both parents to work. And despite all wishes for an egalitarian marriage, I will be the one planning school pick-ups and calling babysitters and remembering forms and creating lovingly complex summer schedules. For 15 years, or more if we get super-de-duper-lucky. I'm not complaining about that at all, but just wondering what having a stressful career adds to that mix.
And right now what I am doing is fairly torturous. And I keep reading wonderful mommy blogs about "seize the day" and "enjoy what you're doing" and such. And I actually find that rhetoric useful in parenting. Finding time to light a candle before dinner to make it special, packing silly notes in the fusspot's backpack, randomly agreeing to head to Starbucks because she likes their chocolate milk (even if I had planned a much "cooler" afternoon activity). But there is nothing to suggest that my chosen career will be enjoyable for the next many years. Of course, JD would say that such a question would never be prioritized for a guy. He would call it decidedly self-centered to abandon my incredible privileges and revert to something easier. It is certainly a decision I would regret later in life, as I see myself being particularly low on patience for the lack of respect given to many female-dominated careers like teaching. But perhaps the costs are too great now? And then what do I tell my daughter? Study hard, plan for your college app, pull you all-nighters in school ... all so you may too marry and have children some day? (This is in no way meant to offend my SAHM readers. For many being at home is a calling, a religious obligation, a lovingly supported position. I just find it hard to encourage my child to push herself if that is truly the likely end outcome. I would assuredly be as good a mother without the multiple advanced degrees. No matter how we try to delay it, the pressure has already started. She knows that all of her friends are in private school except for her. And this very afternoon I was that mother dragging my 3 year old to Chin.es.e classes when she would have been just as happy at the playground running in circles. And honestly, my two closest friends who planned to be SAHMs had much more pleasant early 20's because they held non-career jobs, focused on setting up their households, etc. I'm not sure the friend I talked to tonight who spent 6 years getting an engineering degree and is now at home, most likely for good, really considers all of that work worth it). Or maybe it's just giving up the idea of happiness. Work is work and I may just need to get used to that.
We're off tomorrow afternoon to my mom's for the New Years. Chag sameach and best wishes for a wonderful holiday for those of you who celebrate.
Of course, I also got to spend a half hour with the fusspot in Starbucks before her Chin.ese class. I had this fantasy that since it was just the two of us for once we would take her sketchpad to Central Park and color and read books. But no, she was quite clear that she wanted to "go to that place with the chocolate milk with straws in the counter" and so we did. And she had such a great time perched on the windowsill chattering about all of the people who came into the store.
Here's the thing: I have always been committed to working. For financial reasons yes (and more importantly to reduce the stress of being the sole breadwinner on my husband especially given the uncertainty of this economy) but also because I watched my mother work part-time at a traditionally female job and have seen how her work is perpetually undervalued. She has always wished in retrospect that she had a more useful degree. And I have also been given every possible educational benefit: elite prep school, graduated debt-free from an elite college (ok, under $2000 in debt, and most of that was from unpaid parking tickets my ex accrued on my car while cheating on me ... always a great story when I explain exactly why I desperately needed my first post-graduate job at that ever-iconic Mall of A.me.erica), attended 7 years of graduate school with a very generous stipend. It seems like all of that must have been toward something.
But there was a moment when I picked the fusspot up from school last week when I started to dread the future. She's actually in a full-day free pre-K program, so her schedule is the same as the elementary and middle school kids. And there I was lined up to collect her at 2:45 pm. And the thought of 15 more years of mid-afternoon school pick-ups, of rushed school lunches packed in the morning, of doctors appointments squeezed into weird teacher workdays. Absolutely nothing about the current educational schedule is set up to allow both parents to work. And despite all wishes for an egalitarian marriage, I will be the one planning school pick-ups and calling babysitters and remembering forms and creating lovingly complex summer schedules. For 15 years, or more if we get super-de-duper-lucky. I'm not complaining about that at all, but just wondering what having a stressful career adds to that mix.
And right now what I am doing is fairly torturous. And I keep reading wonderful mommy blogs about "seize the day" and "enjoy what you're doing" and such. And I actually find that rhetoric useful in parenting. Finding time to light a candle before dinner to make it special, packing silly notes in the fusspot's backpack, randomly agreeing to head to Starbucks because she likes their chocolate milk (even if I had planned a much "cooler" afternoon activity). But there is nothing to suggest that my chosen career will be enjoyable for the next many years. Of course, JD would say that such a question would never be prioritized for a guy. He would call it decidedly self-centered to abandon my incredible privileges and revert to something easier. It is certainly a decision I would regret later in life, as I see myself being particularly low on patience for the lack of respect given to many female-dominated careers like teaching. But perhaps the costs are too great now? And then what do I tell my daughter? Study hard, plan for your college app, pull you all-nighters in school ... all so you may too marry and have children some day? (This is in no way meant to offend my SAHM readers. For many being at home is a calling, a religious obligation, a lovingly supported position. I just find it hard to encourage my child to push herself if that is truly the likely end outcome. I would assuredly be as good a mother without the multiple advanced degrees. No matter how we try to delay it, the pressure has already started. She knows that all of her friends are in private school except for her. And this very afternoon I was that mother dragging my 3 year old to Chin.es.e classes when she would have been just as happy at the playground running in circles. And honestly, my two closest friends who planned to be SAHMs had much more pleasant early 20's because they held non-career jobs, focused on setting up their households, etc. I'm not sure the friend I talked to tonight who spent 6 years getting an engineering degree and is now at home, most likely for good, really considers all of that work worth it). Or maybe it's just giving up the idea of happiness. Work is work and I may just need to get used to that.
We're off tomorrow afternoon to my mom's for the New Years. Chag sameach and best wishes for a wonderful holiday for those of you who celebrate.
3 comments:
Thanks for coming by, and for your kind words.
I continue to struggle with what you describe here, in my SAHM-hood. I have an MA (which really is almost-Phd) and then and EdD, which I had to do part time. I spent many many years in grad school, and 12 years building a career. Now? I change diapers and meet the school bus. It's a strange and sometimes incredibly dissatisfying place to be. I continue to look for a job, but until one materializes, here I am. I do know that many of the mommy bloggers are full of baloney. Enjoy every moment is what we have to say because we are swimming in poop and laundry.
I think I will push my daughter to achieve no matter what happens, because it gives her the choice. She can choose to stay home, or choose to have a career. And if she chooses to stay home and something horrible happens, she'll have an education. My only grad school regret is that I earned a degree in something that is entirely philosophical and therefore useless. ;)
Maybe learning for the sake of learning alone is worthwhile. I have an MA and my education allowed me to travel the world working. But I got sick of it and stopped and my life took me in the direction that led me to staying home with my daughter and that career is moribund as can be. So be it. I enjoyed my education and the work I did with it. I enjoy my daughter. I'm enjoying figuring out the next step.
I'm glad you are enjoying your time with the fusspot and dumpling. Hopefully, the future will work itself out for the best. Happy New Year!
Shana Tova :)
Here's to a peaceful, calm, happy, loving and expanding family year-for both of us ;)
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