I had dinner last night with some of JD's friends. You know the rather intimidating sort who you'd love to be friends with but maybe can't quite cut it. And managed to say quite a few embarrassing things, which made me far less talkative today.
Anyway ...
This goes against practically everything I've written here before about being a working parent (and I really and genuinely hope that it comes just from a place of pure exhaustion), but it is hard at this point in my life (age 31) to fathom exactly how my chosen career will work out with 2 kids (and dreams of more). I realize that this is and was patently obvious to many people; that entering a highly competitive, family-unfriendly field with a very defined and limited "clock" to prove oneself and just figuring I could work harder/strategize better and make it was delusional. But it worked for a while, and now I have to try and figure something out.
And it really, really doesn't help that the only women I see on a daily or weekly basis are SAHMs. The working moms I know simply don't have time to e-mail or pick up the phone or get together on the weekends. In NYC even the working women without kids are exceedingly hard to meet up with. One of JD's endless frustrations with the big city is living within 2 miles of at least 10 friends and seeing them once or twice a year at most, and usually at big events. We have good friends who live 2 blocks away from us and we have not seen them except at weddings for the past 2 years.
So I spent this afternoon on the playground with 2 SAHMs and it is hard not to be envious of their lives. One worked and has the presence of mind to acknowledge quite how delightful not working is, the other never worked and does not have the grace to realize how lucky she is that her husband can support their family in the city. They are just relaxed (and yes, I realize that neither has any financial concerns which helps immensely).
I always said I'd love to take 5 years off and then work, but there's just no on ramp in my career, and despite having held a multitude of minimum wage jobs (waitressing, nannying, restaurant management, greeter at the Mall of Ameri.ca, retail, unloading trucks, low level secretarial work ...) my CV right now is full of things that only someone in academia could possibly value. So if I were to step off the career track now (whether by choice or not) it is hard to imagine a good next step. And what I conclusively don't want to do is wake up to find myself 50 and home alone with no prospects of interesting work. So there's that. But there's also the fact that I very rarely get to bed before 2 am, that I can't stand feeling guilty for taking 20 minutes to watch the Daily Show on my computer, the endless stress ...
Yesterday I yelled at the fusspot perhaps a dozen times. Until this summer I had never even raised my voice at my child. Yes, she can get into a lot more serious trouble now that she's older and sometimes the loud urgent voice is necessary to keep her out of trouble (barefoot on a playground with broken glass, for example, circa 4 pm today. She took her shoes off behind my back and then headed straight toward the smashed bottle ...), but it's just not okay. I try so hard every day to bracket the work stress, to separate, to slow to the pace of my toddlers. But it is hard. And while I can deal with the sleeplessness and the stress, I cannot handle the guilt of transferring that stress onto my kids.
In an entirely unrelated question: any advice of finding a way to see a pediatrician inexpensively? My silly husband signed us up for a local HMO (meaning only coverage is in an entirely different state) and the fusspot seems to have come down with a UTI. Of course, I am also super-hesitant to give her antibiotics (I am deathly allergic) but we at least need to have the UTI closely monitored since it can turn into rather scary things quickly ... and I really don't want to pay $300 to spend 60 seconds talking to our doctor while she scribbles out a prescription. I really doubt a target-like clinic could handle this, but any other thoughts? And yes, of course, if necessary we'll just pay cash for the appointment.
Anyway ...
This goes against practically everything I've written here before about being a working parent (and I really and genuinely hope that it comes just from a place of pure exhaustion), but it is hard at this point in my life (age 31) to fathom exactly how my chosen career will work out with 2 kids (and dreams of more). I realize that this is and was patently obvious to many people; that entering a highly competitive, family-unfriendly field with a very defined and limited "clock" to prove oneself and just figuring I could work harder/strategize better and make it was delusional. But it worked for a while, and now I have to try and figure something out.
And it really, really doesn't help that the only women I see on a daily or weekly basis are SAHMs. The working moms I know simply don't have time to e-mail or pick up the phone or get together on the weekends. In NYC even the working women without kids are exceedingly hard to meet up with. One of JD's endless frustrations with the big city is living within 2 miles of at least 10 friends and seeing them once or twice a year at most, and usually at big events. We have good friends who live 2 blocks away from us and we have not seen them except at weddings for the past 2 years.
So I spent this afternoon on the playground with 2 SAHMs and it is hard not to be envious of their lives. One worked and has the presence of mind to acknowledge quite how delightful not working is, the other never worked and does not have the grace to realize how lucky she is that her husband can support their family in the city. They are just relaxed (and yes, I realize that neither has any financial concerns which helps immensely).
I always said I'd love to take 5 years off and then work, but there's just no on ramp in my career, and despite having held a multitude of minimum wage jobs (waitressing, nannying, restaurant management, greeter at the Mall of Ameri.ca, retail, unloading trucks, low level secretarial work ...) my CV right now is full of things that only someone in academia could possibly value. So if I were to step off the career track now (whether by choice or not) it is hard to imagine a good next step. And what I conclusively don't want to do is wake up to find myself 50 and home alone with no prospects of interesting work. So there's that. But there's also the fact that I very rarely get to bed before 2 am, that I can't stand feeling guilty for taking 20 minutes to watch the Daily Show on my computer, the endless stress ...
Yesterday I yelled at the fusspot perhaps a dozen times. Until this summer I had never even raised my voice at my child. Yes, she can get into a lot more serious trouble now that she's older and sometimes the loud urgent voice is necessary to keep her out of trouble (barefoot on a playground with broken glass, for example, circa 4 pm today. She took her shoes off behind my back and then headed straight toward the smashed bottle ...), but it's just not okay. I try so hard every day to bracket the work stress, to separate, to slow to the pace of my toddlers. But it is hard. And while I can deal with the sleeplessness and the stress, I cannot handle the guilt of transferring that stress onto my kids.
In an entirely unrelated question: any advice of finding a way to see a pediatrician inexpensively? My silly husband signed us up for a local HMO (meaning only coverage is in an entirely different state) and the fusspot seems to have come down with a UTI. Of course, I am also super-hesitant to give her antibiotics (I am deathly allergic) but we at least need to have the UTI closely monitored since it can turn into rather scary things quickly ... and I really don't want to pay $300 to spend 60 seconds talking to our doctor while she scribbles out a prescription. I really doubt a target-like clinic could handle this, but any other thoughts? And yes, of course, if necessary we'll just pay cash for the appointment.
3 comments:
What did you think about An.ne-Ma.rie Slaug.hter's article in the Atla.ntic? She was interviewed on Fresh Air which I think adds to the written piece. About a month ago at a wedding I sat with some of her colleagues both male and female. They all agreed it's unfortunate we're still discussing this--hadn't we settled it 20 years ago? Well, yes I think we have but maybe we just don't like the answer, I suggested. That being said, you know what my career and mommy choices have been: I follow my husband from location to location and hope to find some kind of meaningful volunteer opportunities which sometimes work and sometimes does not. I worry about him being the sole earner but I also know that was his/our decision when he chose to continue in this career field. We just moved to a different Mystery Country (2 weeks ago--similar to our previous MC but different country, much bigger, farther North) and we're getting settled in but it's basically thanks to me. We arrived on a Saturday and my husband went to work Monday and was gone 12-14 every day the first week and last week was similar although I saw him more because I hired a nanny and was able to attend work functions with him. I feel very strongly about being the constant in our daughter's life; I've seen how much she has struggled with missing him the past 2 weeks. Of course this is our personal and financial decision and I fully realize there will be a time when I don't have kids at home and what will I do then??? It's impossible to say. I pray I have that opportunity because right now my mom has brain cancer that will likely kill her within the next few years (we hope for more, but the statistics are pretty clear--it's highly aggressive). Her illness, along with the sudden loss of my father a few years ago, highlights for me the need to enjoy every day to not have regrets about not having enough time for the truly important things in my life. Shalom bayit is my theme for the new year and whether or not you agree with Anne Rom.ney, she's right about that largely being a woman's responsibility. There are times I wonder if I'm a sell out. If you would have told me 15 years ago that shalom bayit would be my personal "theme" for the year, I wouldn't have believed it but, you know what, I truly am happy. I don't think I can have it all and I'm okay with that--I'm happy with what I do have and I'll worry about later later.
Sorry, I know this is long and rambling. I wish I could just give you a hug and buy you a coffee! You are so, so amazing and you're a huge encouragement and inspiration to me. Hang in there. I know you'll figure it out.
I'm sorry I haven't been around much--life has been pretty crazy for us lately (to say the least) but now that we're settling in over here it might relax a little {maybe}.
Go to a clinic? Jacobi has a pediatric clinic...
I never never never thought I'd be a SAHM. I've always worked for money. Always--like since I was 14. I'm really proud of the things I accomplished by working hard.
But.
I'm in a situation right now where staying home with Hen makes sense, and I've found that I would not trade it for anything. I was terrified I'd be bored out of my mind & resentful as hell. But really, I'm not. Do I have plans for my private working life once he's a little more self-sufficient? Oh yeah. Do they include getting involved with the career I got a graduate degree for? Oh yes. Very likely, though I'm not married to the idea the way I once was.
Because there is something deeply deeply satisfying about being allowed the time to do something very well--in this case parenting.
And for the record, I don't think it's about 'having it all'. I think what life is really about is finding the things that you know you would regret NOT having done, on your deathbed and then DOING them. In my case, that was parenting--being the best damned parent I can be. And for me, that means being present for the kiddo when he needs me most.
I know there are a lot of different considerations in your life, but from someone who loves her new domestic life so much I am having a hard time imagining giving it up someday, can I say that while there are tradeoffs, it just might be worth it to concentrate on one thing for a while instead of trying to spread yourself so thin? Stress kills relationships, it kills trust, and it kills us. Be gentle with yourself and I really hope you find a way to make WHATEVER solution you decide on, work.
Thinking of you.
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