There was one other little bit of my conversation with my most-favoritest-doctor-in-the-world from last week that I did not mention. In part, because the level of hubris displayed by me ought to be downright offensive to just about anyone out there with a level of awareness of how things really work. And I do know that. I know it's not normal to ovulate two (maybe three) times in your life and to get pregnant every (or almost every) time. At home. Sans catheters and tubes and spinning sperm. But let's just ignore that part, and go back to the part where this is the doctor who has been following me (for free) for over six years for my most serious medical issue aside from IF.
I was rattling on, complaining about how tired I had been. Let me stop here and add that the good doctor is a Catholic, and I'm guessing fairly religious at that. There are certainly plenty of children and grandchildren photos in his office, and my strong suspicion is that if life had thrown him a diagnosis of infertility he would not have felt comfortable seeking treatment. And I really do admire him for the support he has given me, despite that. So anyway, I'm rattling on about how awful I've been feeling and worrying about not getting a job (side note: the job market in my field runs once a year. If you're not ready on the relevant day, you have to sit it out for a full year. I could get a temporary/adjunct/online teaching job, but there is no way that any of those would even cover the cost of daycare in NYC let alone everything else).
Right. So there I am rambling on and I said something about how I had been hoping we'd be able to do this a couple more times, but I've been feeling so awful that I just can't imagine trying again with a toddler and another little person at home. And he just gave me this look and said: "Three months of misery is nothing for a baby."
And I know that. That's much how I feel about IF treatments at the moment too (see above: easiest path from infertility to baby ever). But it's really why I haven't had so much to say. I am too tired to function, using up every bit of my energy planning fun activities for the fusspot and then crying at night from the stress about work, and yet I know that I am the luckiest woman in the world. So here's to hoping that both my energy and my spirit return soon because at the moment I feel like a very sad, whiny, sleepy little girl who just wants to crawl into bed and wake up in a few months with a neatly bound dissertation next to me.
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5 comments:
My BFF had a male doctor say something similar to her and I LOVED her response, which was, "and how many times have YOU been pregnant?" Of course it's worth it - you already know that. It doesn't change the fact that feeling crappy for three months sucks.
Just because the outcome is wonderful (cute baby!) and getting there was a bit of a miracle (lucky random ovulation!) doesn't mean that you have to be all roses and sunshine about every minute of it. Yes, it is *exhausting.* It's hard to fathom how sucky it is when you're not the one in the middle of it, even if you've done it yourself.
I actually wrote a note to myself when LL was ~3 months old. I wrote down all the stuff that I *hated* about pregnancy, in the most vivid terms I could think of. (Most of it was about the first trimester, but the third wasn't all giggles either.) And then I wrote about the things that I loved. And about how the sucky things went away. And how, just a few months out, I had to try really hard to remember how bad the sucky parts were.
I've been re-reading that note a LOT lately. It's been good to remind myself that I felt crappy last time, too. And it's natural to complain about feeling crappy, and to want to crawl into bed and wait it out. And I was strong enough to get through it before. And soon, I'll feel a lot better this time, too.
In the mean time, if you figure out how to do that magic finished dissertation thing, please let me know!
I agree- it is completely natural to feel crappy- and be able to complain about it to your doc! Your body is working harder than it probably ever has to care for 3 lives.
Hope you get a second wind & some easing up with work!
I'm not surprised you're knackered - I am and I'm not breastfeeding and have given up on the whole academic job thing because I can't handle the stress at the moment.
((hugs))
I remember the days when H was finishing his diss. It was insanely hard on him, and he certainly wasn't dealing with a toddler-plus-pregnancy. It must be incredibly rough for you. Yes, it's only three months, but when you're living it, day to day, three months is a really long time! I mean, the second month of these boys' lives has been so intense it feels like I've lived it three times over. But at the same time, I know that when I look back it will feel like these days have flown past.
So yeah. Here's wishing you a speedy path through these exhausting times!
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