I had a quite pleasant Yom Kippur, all things considered. I did not fast because of the potential GD diagnosis, but I was still quite hungry because services went from 9 am to 2 pm and then again from 4:30 pm to 7:30 pm, making meals quite a challenge. And for the first time, I noticed that I can no longer enter the pews without standing on my tiptoes because the bump gets in the way.
I am a bit surprised that none of the other Jewish bloggers I read have mentioned it, but one thing that always stands out in the Yom Kippur service is the line in a very old prayer which we repeat about 6-8 times (the al-het) which atones for sins for which the punishment should be 'childlessness.' I've always noticed that line given my family history, but I remember talking to JD about it last year and wondering if I would ever feel differently about it. I don't. But I also don't believe in simply cutting (or mistranslating as some prayerbooks do) the tough lines. On one hand, the line is sandwiched between some of the most serious sins and punishments, and it's nice to know that the author placed childlessness between sin-offerings and being stoned to death. And it does at least recognize that children are a gift and not one we can take for granted. But the idea that the suffering of so many friends IRL and in the blogosphere could be a just punishment doens't ring true to me.
Friday, October 10, 2008
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
absurd
It's 2 pm and all I can think is only a few hours until Yom Kippur, when I can turn off my computer, spend a few hours in Synagogue, and then go to sleep (hopefully by 8 pm!). Not exactly the right attitude for the most serious holiday in the calendar, but given that I can't fast and I'm exhausted, I'm still looking forward to the holiday.
Oh, and even though I wrote this at 2 pm I'm not posting till almost 5 pm because I got one of those awful panicked phone calls from a friend where you hope everything is ok, only to find out that everything is fine except she's trapped someplace and could I pick up her daughter on the far side of the city in 20 minutes? So of course I ran out and hopped in a cab, but it does make me wonder who I'll be calling come springtime ...
Oh, and even though I wrote this at 2 pm I'm not posting till almost 5 pm because I got one of those awful panicked phone calls from a friend where you hope everything is ok, only to find out that everything is fine except she's trapped someplace and could I pick up her daughter on the far side of the city in 20 minutes? So of course I ran out and hopped in a cab, but it does make me wonder who I'll be calling come springtime ...
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
today's visit
Went just fine. Heartbeat found. No movement at all, but my midwife is not concerned. I told her I feel movement about every other day, and she told me to call if the 'normal movement' has decreased ... so I asked her to clarify and she said if I feel movement every other day then if I go 2 days with nothing at all I should call ... now what in the world would that do?????? Imagine that conversation: 'I think my baby stopped moving 48+ hours ago - do you think something's wrong?' She actually told me kick counts are nonsense at 30 weeks and I should just relax.
It's quite clear my midwife thinks I'm a hypochondriac, but after she finds the wonderbaby's heartbeat I'm so happy I really don't care.
And yup, traces of protein in my urine today (she's not worried). And I'm down 5 pounds since my GD quasi-diagnosis 10 days ago, but she's also not worried (in fact, she told me I'm probably gaining 'good weight' now that I've cut my sugar and carbs). Oh, and I should keep pricking myself until Oct. 29th just in case ...
But none of the little details matter since it seems like there's still a living, growing baby in there.
It's quite clear my midwife thinks I'm a hypochondriac, but after she finds the wonderbaby's heartbeat I'm so happy I really don't care.
And yup, traces of protein in my urine today (she's not worried). And I'm down 5 pounds since my GD quasi-diagnosis 10 days ago, but she's also not worried (in fact, she told me I'm probably gaining 'good weight' now that I've cut my sugar and carbs). Oh, and I should keep pricking myself until Oct. 29th just in case ...
But none of the little details matter since it seems like there's still a living, growing baby in there.
Pure gloating
I'm having a baby shower! In NYC! And inviting my friends.
And, I'm not even officially hosting it myself. One of JD's friends offered to host it, and even though we can't use her apartment and I'll be bringing the food, I won't have to feel guilty about throwing my own party (I was raised in the South, remember). So basically she's fronting for our party and collecting RSVPs and I am thrilled.
It's going to be a casual, coed Sunday brunch with bagels, muffins, fruit, mixed drinks and a cake. Now the only problem is finding someone's apartment to host it at, but I have some ideas ...
And in less good news, I sent JD home after our hospital tour yesterday night to cook dinner. I told him there was margarine in the freezer. I didn't think to tell him there was also butter and he should look at which one he grabbed. So now I need to re-kasher about 15 items from the kitchen (it was not a complicated dinner). Should be a relaxing evening boiling big pots of water and letting them overflow (all part of keeping a kosher kitchen) but how could I be mad when he was making me meatballs and mashed potatos? Off to the midwife in a few minutes ... no kicking at all for the past 2 days, so I'm glad we'll get in a little dopplering.
And, I'm not even officially hosting it myself. One of JD's friends offered to host it, and even though we can't use her apartment and I'll be bringing the food, I won't have to feel guilty about throwing my own party (I was raised in the South, remember). So basically she's fronting for our party and collecting RSVPs and I am thrilled.
It's going to be a casual, coed Sunday brunch with bagels, muffins, fruit, mixed drinks and a cake. Now the only problem is finding someone's apartment to host it at, but I have some ideas ...
And in less good news, I sent JD home after our hospital tour yesterday night to cook dinner. I told him there was margarine in the freezer. I didn't think to tell him there was also butter and he should look at which one he grabbed. So now I need to re-kasher about 15 items from the kitchen (it was not a complicated dinner). Should be a relaxing evening boiling big pots of water and letting them overflow (all part of keeping a kosher kitchen) but how could I be mad when he was making me meatballs and mashed potatos? Off to the midwife in a few minutes ... no kicking at all for the past 2 days, so I'm glad we'll get in a little dopplering.
Monday, October 6, 2008
In which we survive mandatory class #1
Ok, not so much a class but the first of our 20+ hours of mandatory hospital tours, childbirth classes, lactation classes, newborn classes, liability disclaimer classes - gots to love NYC.
Quick thoughts:
- Either a. the 19 or so other women on the tour were all dreading this as much as me and waited until the last possible minute to do the tour or b. they are all getting to eat far more ice cream and cake and yummy food than me. Except for the barely pregnant woman, my bump was definitely the smallest. Oh, and basically everyone else took a bottle of the free juice offered. Me and one other woman looked on miserably as they had apple or orange juice (I will have both with my long-waited vodka in 2009).
- I do not want to share a hospital post-partum room with any of those women. One poor woman from the bedrest floor came on the tour in a wheelchair and nobody bothered to hold a door for her, hold the elevator, acknowledge her in any way. And she looked miserable as the tour leader kept waiting for 'those in the rear' rather than acknowledging that she was in a hospital wheelchair.
- NYC is such a problem. This is one of the very ritziest hospitals in the city. And yet, if you give birth after the 8 pm end of visiting hours, your partner gets an hour to bond with the baby before being sent home until 10 am. Brilliant.
- It was also apparent from the elevator ride out that the woman around us considered us the young/immature/'oops' couple in the crowd. Ok, so I was basically in sweatpants because I'd been at my desk working all day (I don't interact with any other students/faculty on a standard day) and JD had been home all day cleaning up the apartment. But really? Just because you're in your fancy suits and taking very detailed notes about things like whether your partner can stay overnight (no), whether you can stay as long as you want in the hospital post-birth (no), whether you can have a natural birth with multiples (no), whether you can eat in L and D (no) ... -you get the idea-.... doesn't mean that the slightly skeptical less-enthusiastic younger-looking couple really are just a bunch of sloths. And no, don't bother taking the tour leader's list of approved midwives when you are clearly in your 3rd trimester. I am still on the waiting list for 11 midwife practice groups and have been there since week 9 and nobody's calling ...
- Anyway, the hospital's fine and I'll survive L and D if the birthing center bounces us. And they would prefer to treat my GD (if it exists) with IV sugar rather than let me eat. Surprisingly, the only thing I have a really big problem with is the quasi-mandatory 48-hour stay post-birth if you're in L and D. The problem is the shared room with very restricted visiting hours for JD. The woman did admit it was possible to seek an early discharge with your doctor and pediatrician's approval, but she seemed very skeptical. It just seems like a total recipe for disaster to leave me for 12 hours at a time to care for a newborn when I will presumably be tired (and certainly grumpy) and to make me share a room on a loud, crowded hallway with another post-partum woman and her newborn. And of course, you can't restrict her family from visiting during visiting hours and all the rooms we walked past tonight had multiples strollers parked outside (as in, women were having their entire extended family including toddlers, etc. over to visit during visiting hours). So I guess I'll call and confirm that our (most-haphazardly) chosen pediatrician will approve an early discharge.
Quick thoughts:
- Either a. the 19 or so other women on the tour were all dreading this as much as me and waited until the last possible minute to do the tour or b. they are all getting to eat far more ice cream and cake and yummy food than me. Except for the barely pregnant woman, my bump was definitely the smallest. Oh, and basically everyone else took a bottle of the free juice offered. Me and one other woman looked on miserably as they had apple or orange juice (I will have both with my long-waited vodka in 2009).
- I do not want to share a hospital post-partum room with any of those women. One poor woman from the bedrest floor came on the tour in a wheelchair and nobody bothered to hold a door for her, hold the elevator, acknowledge her in any way. And she looked miserable as the tour leader kept waiting for 'those in the rear' rather than acknowledging that she was in a hospital wheelchair.
- NYC is such a problem. This is one of the very ritziest hospitals in the city. And yet, if you give birth after the 8 pm end of visiting hours, your partner gets an hour to bond with the baby before being sent home until 10 am. Brilliant.
- It was also apparent from the elevator ride out that the woman around us considered us the young/immature/'oops' couple in the crowd. Ok, so I was basically in sweatpants because I'd been at my desk working all day (I don't interact with any other students/faculty on a standard day) and JD had been home all day cleaning up the apartment. But really? Just because you're in your fancy suits and taking very detailed notes about things like whether your partner can stay overnight (no), whether you can stay as long as you want in the hospital post-birth (no), whether you can have a natural birth with multiples (no), whether you can eat in L and D (no) ... -you get the idea-.... doesn't mean that the slightly skeptical less-enthusiastic younger-looking couple really are just a bunch of sloths. And no, don't bother taking the tour leader's list of approved midwives when you are clearly in your 3rd trimester. I am still on the waiting list for 11 midwife practice groups and have been there since week 9 and nobody's calling ...
- Anyway, the hospital's fine and I'll survive L and D if the birthing center bounces us. And they would prefer to treat my GD (if it exists) with IV sugar rather than let me eat. Surprisingly, the only thing I have a really big problem with is the quasi-mandatory 48-hour stay post-birth if you're in L and D. The problem is the shared room with very restricted visiting hours for JD. The woman did admit it was possible to seek an early discharge with your doctor and pediatrician's approval, but she seemed very skeptical. It just seems like a total recipe for disaster to leave me for 12 hours at a time to care for a newborn when I will presumably be tired (and certainly grumpy) and to make me share a room on a loud, crowded hallway with another post-partum woman and her newborn. And of course, you can't restrict her family from visiting during visiting hours and all the rooms we walked past tonight had multiples strollers parked outside (as in, women were having their entire extended family including toddlers, etc. over to visit during visiting hours). So I guess I'll call and confirm that our (most-haphazardly) chosen pediatrician will approve an early discharge.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
We're going to be fine
Sometimes it just takes a little perspective to know that JD and I are going to be just fine.
As I'm typing, there is a beautiful 3-month old baby snoring on our floor. On our daughter's quilt. With her toys around her.
My friend's home daycare fell apart again this week (the caregiver's daughter was sick, again) and she and her husband both needed a few hours to work. She called while we were away for the holidays, so I offered to take the baby 'for as long as she was cute and happy' this afternoon. I figured JD would flee the moment I wandered in with a 3-month old, but he instead happily spent 2 hours making funny faces at her and holding her (!!!) and letting us 'supervise' his putting the apartment back in order (they took out the lead paint and repainted while we were gone, so the place was a mess). And JD did not leave to get coffee until the baby was happily down for her nap.
And yes, it was hard to transition to holding a real, live smiling baby and I don't expect it to be easy the first several weeks. But we are going to adjust, both to the completely unexpected addition of another person in our lives and to the responsibility for that person. And it seems like the surreality of this entire pregnancy (no symptoms, few complications, depending on the outfit people still aren't sure I'm pregnant even though I'm in the 3rd trimester) will come to an end.
So here I sit watching the baby sleep and feeling much, much better about finding a balance in the spring. Up later this week: searching for daycare in 3 different cities (and 2 continents) to cover the next 18 months.
As I'm typing, there is a beautiful 3-month old baby snoring on our floor. On our daughter's quilt. With her toys around her.
My friend's home daycare fell apart again this week (the caregiver's daughter was sick, again) and she and her husband both needed a few hours to work. She called while we were away for the holidays, so I offered to take the baby 'for as long as she was cute and happy' this afternoon. I figured JD would flee the moment I wandered in with a 3-month old, but he instead happily spent 2 hours making funny faces at her and holding her (!!!) and letting us 'supervise' his putting the apartment back in order (they took out the lead paint and repainted while we were gone, so the place was a mess). And JD did not leave to get coffee until the baby was happily down for her nap.
And yes, it was hard to transition to holding a real, live smiling baby and I don't expect it to be easy the first several weeks. But we are going to adjust, both to the completely unexpected addition of another person in our lives and to the responsibility for that person. And it seems like the surreality of this entire pregnancy (no symptoms, few complications, depending on the outfit people still aren't sure I'm pregnant even though I'm in the 3rd trimester) will come to an end.
So here I sit watching the baby sleep and feeling much, much better about finding a balance in the spring. Up later this week: searching for daycare in 3 different cities (and 2 continents) to cover the next 18 months.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Still here, still grumpy
In brief: traveling with a bad cold while anemic leaves me ... still grumpy.
The results of my 3-hour GTT: beats me.
To be precise, I think I passed everything except the initial fasting blood draw. But let me rewind a bit ...
I called my mother at 4 pm on Thursday afternoon to tell her I failed the 1-hour GTT. I somehow had forgotten she used to work in a diabetes clinic. I landed at the airport on Friday midday, and she literally handed me a pager number and told me to page the head diabetes nurse at a major research hospital and tell her I'd be over in 20 minutes.
So, I had a consult Friday afternoon and received my blood sugar monitor, new diet, and did my first finger pricks (I know, I know, sometimes all the stars align).
Even better, rather than sharing a hotel room with JD's bachelor pals over the weekend (wedding #2 this fall) we stayed with my dear friend R. R. is the one we were seriously considering splitting IVF with (he's gay - he needs eggs to have biological children) and he's in med school and very well informed. Which was fabulous because it took me 5 tries to draw blood on Saturday morning. And R. sat there and held my hand through the whole thing. Great.
But, of course, we were traveling. Which means basically nothing for me to eat (I keep kosher - so no meat out at all, and sometimes no cooked food depending on the state of the kitchen). Needless to say I lost 5 lbs between my 'diagnosis' on Thursday afternoon and my next conversation with the midwife on Tuesday afternoon. The good news: all my blood sugar levels were normal, although I could definitely see the spike 1 and 2 hours after eating.
Monday morning I had the 3 hour test. Tuesday afternoon I checked with the midwife to get the results, only to hear her say 'I'll call to ask if I have time.' Um, it's Rosh Hashanah. I wasn't even supposed to be on the phone but figured this medical mess was enough of an excuse and I had been abstaining for all of the delicious food made for the holiday. So I was more than a bit pissed. Then she tells me I passed the GTT part of the test, but failed the initial fasting blood draw (all of mine had been normal until then) and then she suggested I repeat the GTT next week. Well, there's basically no way. If the placenta does not produce enough hormones to upset my insulin by week 28 I'm supposed to be in the clear (oh, and this was my 5th GTT this year - I did several pre-pregnancy). So I said no way and I wanted a consult with a specialist if she thought I needed one (not mentioning I'd already had a preliminary consult).
Today, as we're boarding the plane to Wedding #2 this fall, she calls to tell me scheduled an appointment for the end of October and I should relax, stop testing my blood sugar, and eat whatever I want till then ... which makes no sense at all. Either I'm borderline/at risk and I need to be really careful or I'm in the clear. But there's no way it makes sense to have a specialist consult something like 6 weeks before my due date. So I am pissed but couldn't explain that very well over the phone because of the airport loudspeaker, so I'll see the midwife on Tuesday.
In the meantime, I'm very hungry (don't worry: my blood sugar has not dropped close to a dangerous low. I check it whenever my stomach starts to growl). Everything else seems to be going fine, but I just can't find enough food to fill me up. The nurse I saw said 9 servings of carbs a day max, and given how little protein I can find, it doesn't leave much. I've been eating high-protein yogurt, cottage cheese, and low-carb peanut butter as snacks between every meal, and each has at least 200 calories in a serving. And lots of nuts. But I'm supposed to limit my bread, pasta, rice, fruit, etc. and I just can't find that much to eat. We'll be back in NYC on Sunday, so that should help a lot. I just don't think I was cut out for midwife care. I don't have the trust that 'everything will be fine' and I really need to know my own test results given how little trust I currently have in this woman.
Oh, and in other less great news, seems like I might be moving to Europe alone with a 5 month old. Some type of change in JD's employer policy. We're waiting to hear a definite answer from them, but either way he's definitely getting a lot less leave than we expected, which is going to be a big problem. So, not only will I commute 2 days a week in the spring (starting when the baby is 4 weeks old) but I will then become a single parent for the next 6-9 months abroad. Such a relaxing year. And just when I was about to think of a new blog title, seems like we're back to the old commuting routine ...
The results of my 3-hour GTT: beats me.
To be precise, I think I passed everything except the initial fasting blood draw. But let me rewind a bit ...
I called my mother at 4 pm on Thursday afternoon to tell her I failed the 1-hour GTT. I somehow had forgotten she used to work in a diabetes clinic. I landed at the airport on Friday midday, and she literally handed me a pager number and told me to page the head diabetes nurse at a major research hospital and tell her I'd be over in 20 minutes.
So, I had a consult Friday afternoon and received my blood sugar monitor, new diet, and did my first finger pricks (I know, I know, sometimes all the stars align).
Even better, rather than sharing a hotel room with JD's bachelor pals over the weekend (wedding #2 this fall) we stayed with my dear friend R. R. is the one we were seriously considering splitting IVF with (he's gay - he needs eggs to have biological children) and he's in med school and very well informed. Which was fabulous because it took me 5 tries to draw blood on Saturday morning. And R. sat there and held my hand through the whole thing. Great.
But, of course, we were traveling. Which means basically nothing for me to eat (I keep kosher - so no meat out at all, and sometimes no cooked food depending on the state of the kitchen). Needless to say I lost 5 lbs between my 'diagnosis' on Thursday afternoon and my next conversation with the midwife on Tuesday afternoon. The good news: all my blood sugar levels were normal, although I could definitely see the spike 1 and 2 hours after eating.
Monday morning I had the 3 hour test. Tuesday afternoon I checked with the midwife to get the results, only to hear her say 'I'll call to ask if I have time.' Um, it's Rosh Hashanah. I wasn't even supposed to be on the phone but figured this medical mess was enough of an excuse and I had been abstaining for all of the delicious food made for the holiday. So I was more than a bit pissed. Then she tells me I passed the GTT part of the test, but failed the initial fasting blood draw (all of mine had been normal until then) and then she suggested I repeat the GTT next week. Well, there's basically no way. If the placenta does not produce enough hormones to upset my insulin by week 28 I'm supposed to be in the clear (oh, and this was my 5th GTT this year - I did several pre-pregnancy). So I said no way and I wanted a consult with a specialist if she thought I needed one (not mentioning I'd already had a preliminary consult).
Today, as we're boarding the plane to Wedding #2 this fall, she calls to tell me scheduled an appointment for the end of October and I should relax, stop testing my blood sugar, and eat whatever I want till then ... which makes no sense at all. Either I'm borderline/at risk and I need to be really careful or I'm in the clear. But there's no way it makes sense to have a specialist consult something like 6 weeks before my due date. So I am pissed but couldn't explain that very well over the phone because of the airport loudspeaker, so I'll see the midwife on Tuesday.
In the meantime, I'm very hungry (don't worry: my blood sugar has not dropped close to a dangerous low. I check it whenever my stomach starts to growl). Everything else seems to be going fine, but I just can't find enough food to fill me up. The nurse I saw said 9 servings of carbs a day max, and given how little protein I can find, it doesn't leave much. I've been eating high-protein yogurt, cottage cheese, and low-carb peanut butter as snacks between every meal, and each has at least 200 calories in a serving. And lots of nuts. But I'm supposed to limit my bread, pasta, rice, fruit, etc. and I just can't find that much to eat. We'll be back in NYC on Sunday, so that should help a lot. I just don't think I was cut out for midwife care. I don't have the trust that 'everything will be fine' and I really need to know my own test results given how little trust I currently have in this woman.
Oh, and in other less great news, seems like I might be moving to Europe alone with a 5 month old. Some type of change in JD's employer policy. We're waiting to hear a definite answer from them, but either way he's definitely getting a lot less leave than we expected, which is going to be a big problem. So, not only will I commute 2 days a week in the spring (starting when the baby is 4 weeks old) but I will then become a single parent for the next 6-9 months abroad. Such a relaxing year. And just when I was about to think of a new blog title, seems like we're back to the old commuting routine ...
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