First, not everything is stress and gloom. I took the kids out for a lovely day today. Special storytime in the Morgan library, kosher Indian lunch, spice shopping, Christmas train exhibit at Grand Central ... and then home to a fine dinner of pasta and shredded cheese. And I am really trying to separate, to enjoy my time with the kids, to try and squeeze in a few more NYC things. I even have a long list taped to the back of our apartment door of things to do before we leave, including haircuits (ah, Spanish-bodega-$5-haircuits, we will miss you), museum exhibits, playdates ... but let's talk about what happens when we get to the new city.
And I guess this is what makes this whole thing so very, very hard. I literally have no idea. I don't know if this whole career choice of mine is over, but JD seems to be acting distinctly as if it is. He has made -zero- effort to find me any type of childcare (which really is not the kind of thing one can do remotely). Zero. I had him interview two nannies from nanny shares, but both fell apart as we waited to find an apartment. Even if I need to take a hiatus from grad school, I would like to work. At least part-time. At least doing something. For many reasons, but primarily including that I need to have the possibility to support my children before I consider having more. And I have even already lined up some entirely flexible 20-30 hours per week work. But to do that and stay sane I need some childcare, even 10 hours a week. We are actually bringing our favorite babysitter with to help with the first day or two of the move (and the final throwing air mattresses and suitcases in the car and driving 4-hours since JD is not planning to come for the move itself), but after she leaves? No idea.
I really love the idea of taking a few weeks off, of enjoying some quality time with my kids, of exploring a new neighborhood, but why there? Why is it one am and I am still working here in NYC, but may not be there. And does JD really expect me to work part-time without any childcare?
And the fear. In the past month I have spent a significant amount of time with 3 teens/early-20s girls. One of them we are trying to help support financially because her parents are awful and it is only through her incredible generosity that she still has any relationship with them, one of them we employ to babysit but I have also been finding her legal advice/paying random medical expenses/getting financial advice, and one is the daughter of our daycare provider, a lovely confident girl whose college applications I just finished editing. And they so much remind me of the freedom of being young and unencumbered and full of energy, but also the grim economic prospects for their generation. Last week our babysitter showed up at our apartment with a bruised, possibly broken, hand. She was actually there with another charge, so I immediately dispensed her to urgent care, promising to cover the bill if necessary. When she returned I went out (I know!!! wild times!!!) and received a phone call a few minutes before 11 pm from girl #3, panicked about a last minute revision to a college essay. This child comes from a stable, loving family with 2 very well-educated parents ... who are not native English speakers. And apparently her NYC public high school (a truly prestigious one) has provided her with no language help on her applications. So there I was, on my one night out, borrowing a friend's computer to add subject-verb agreement minutes before the deadline. And of course there are the weekly check-ins with girl #1 who has bravely set off alone on an airplane for a study abroad program. I know this is incoherent, but the point is the whole picture terrifies me. These girls are 17, 21, and 22, and yet they desperately need financial and emotional support. It would be nice to take some time to consider "career options" and look for a job and think about "what I really want to do," but the truth is that the best option for me right now might just be a stable, reliable paycheck. I just don't have the confidence I once did in my skills, credentials, and the job market to sit back and relax about a regular paycheck, and I really just don't want to imagine my children at 17 or 21 or 22 left quite as stranded as all 3 of these children are.
And I guess this is what makes this whole thing so very, very hard. I literally have no idea. I don't know if this whole career choice of mine is over, but JD seems to be acting distinctly as if it is. He has made -zero- effort to find me any type of childcare (which really is not the kind of thing one can do remotely). Zero. I had him interview two nannies from nanny shares, but both fell apart as we waited to find an apartment. Even if I need to take a hiatus from grad school, I would like to work. At least part-time. At least doing something. For many reasons, but primarily including that I need to have the possibility to support my children before I consider having more. And I have even already lined up some entirely flexible 20-30 hours per week work. But to do that and stay sane I need some childcare, even 10 hours a week. We are actually bringing our favorite babysitter with to help with the first day or two of the move (and the final throwing air mattresses and suitcases in the car and driving 4-hours since JD is not planning to come for the move itself), but after she leaves? No idea.
I really love the idea of taking a few weeks off, of enjoying some quality time with my kids, of exploring a new neighborhood, but why there? Why is it one am and I am still working here in NYC, but may not be there. And does JD really expect me to work part-time without any childcare?
And the fear. In the past month I have spent a significant amount of time with 3 teens/early-20s girls. One of them we are trying to help support financially because her parents are awful and it is only through her incredible generosity that she still has any relationship with them, one of them we employ to babysit but I have also been finding her legal advice/paying random medical expenses/getting financial advice, and one is the daughter of our daycare provider, a lovely confident girl whose college applications I just finished editing. And they so much remind me of the freedom of being young and unencumbered and full of energy, but also the grim economic prospects for their generation. Last week our babysitter showed up at our apartment with a bruised, possibly broken, hand. She was actually there with another charge, so I immediately dispensed her to urgent care, promising to cover the bill if necessary. When she returned I went out (I know!!! wild times!!!) and received a phone call a few minutes before 11 pm from girl #3, panicked about a last minute revision to a college essay. This child comes from a stable, loving family with 2 very well-educated parents ... who are not native English speakers. And apparently her NYC public high school (a truly prestigious one) has provided her with no language help on her applications. So there I was, on my one night out, borrowing a friend's computer to add subject-verb agreement minutes before the deadline. And of course there are the weekly check-ins with girl #1 who has bravely set off alone on an airplane for a study abroad program. I know this is incoherent, but the point is the whole picture terrifies me. These girls are 17, 21, and 22, and yet they desperately need financial and emotional support. It would be nice to take some time to consider "career options" and look for a job and think about "what I really want to do," but the truth is that the best option for me right now might just be a stable, reliable paycheck. I just don't have the confidence I once did in my skills, credentials, and the job market to sit back and relax about a regular paycheck, and I really just don't want to imagine my children at 17 or 21 or 22 left quite as stranded as all 3 of these children are.
2 comments:
Hey lady. Just checking in and saying that I'm thinking about you guys. ;-)
Hey!
It's great that you have been able to help those girls. It's that kind a thing that really makes a difference to a person... but don't feel guilty if you can't give what you are used to for a time. And remember husbands really don't know how hard it is to work and raise a family... it's probably just not high on his priority list. Surely you know you'll do a better job finding care anyhow. Do give yourself time after the move to enjoy the new neighborhood with the kids and line up some help before diving back in! I don't know how you go at the pace you do so much.
I hope the move goes as smoothly as possible. Hang in there :)
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