A dear internet-friend wrote a long post about her children's non-sleep habit (you know I love you) and I was thinking about that and how my usual advice is simply: if it works for you, it's fine. So if you're kids aren't sleeping, or aren't sleeping alone, or whatnot, and you're ok with it, fine. After all, I nursed the fusspot to sleep for every nap and bedtime until almost 17 months ...
Which is all to preface the fact that it has struck me that my life is quite simply not working for me at the moment. Not only did I snap twice at JD this weekend (and yes, I consider asking where we store the collander sufficient provocation. The man prides himself on doing a lot around the house and it was exactly where it belongs on the shelf ...) but I also snapped at the fusspot which honestly never, ever happens. It's not that I'm a perfect mother by any means and I certainly get grumpy or pissed at her, but I don't snap. That's in part because of my childhood experiences, but also possibly because of the years I spent babysitting in the big city and convinced that everyone mother had a "nanny cam" on and was watching it selectively (and some of them did, and were, and someday I'll tell the story of what happened the one and only time I ever seriously hurt a child ... hurt a child such that there were 4 distinct finger marks and 1 thumb bruise exactly my size on her arm, but needless to say it all worked out for the best and scared me far more than the kid).
So yeah, not doing well. Let's just summarize: not eating well/enough (in all seriousness, who loses weight in the middle of the 3rd trimester?), not sleeping well (and waking up far more from stress than any physical ailment), not exercising enough, stressed about work, worried that the stress will affect the baby, the usual. And I just don't feel like I am getting the support I need and I'm done trying to pretend that I am wonder-woman so that no one sees the cracks. Especially so that JD doesn't see the cracks (he has currently fled to the basement bar to watch football, a sport he has absolutely no interest in, to escape my wrath).
One thing that needs to be improved is the fusspot's bedtime routine. She's great with the routine, she cheerfully stands next to her crib when I say bedtime all ready to be placed in her crib, lies down ... and then proceeds to fuss/yell/stand up for a good 1-2 hours every night. Our current routine involves staying with her for about a half hour, then leaving her with a CD and the door open. Except that our apartment is tiny so I feel like I can't even take a phone call until she's asleep, and also her CD player broke (blah blah blah: my in-laws bought her one for her birthday but refused to pay shipping so it's at their house and JD and I are too cheap to buy her another one when she has one ... blah blah blah) so I leave my computer in her room and can't work for that time, or I go sit in her room and have her yell at me. So in a fit of anger tonight I decided we would just suffer through another attempt at CIO (it does work for other people, after all), confiscated my computer, shut the door, and let her scream ... for about 2 minutes until JD rescued her and brought her to our bed. See, I put the fusspot to sleep 6 nights a week when I am alone, but neither JD nor my in-laws see any point in the oft-praised "consistency" and they simply sit with her until she's totally asleep. Even if it takes 3 hours. Which you can do when you only put the baby to sleep one night a week. So yeah, beats me what to do. Even with music she can take 2 hours to fall asleep, and she obviously yells more at me than other people (which is normal, I know). But this weekend she's been sleeping in until 9 am or so, which makes me think that she's really not getting enough sleep during the week when we have to wake her to take her to daycare. So there's that.
And then there's the whole supposed-to-be-working-full-time despite only 30 hours of daycare plus 3 doctors appointments this week and feeling exhausted ... same old, same old. Honestly, this week between the 3 doctors appointments, 2 evening work events from 6-9 pm, and possibly not taking the fusspot to daycare on Friday at all, I have no idea how I could even get in 20 hours of work during daylight hours. Let alone wanting to spend a half hour every morning cooking some type of reasonable dinner so that we don't just rely on scrambled eggs, bagels, or boxed mac and cheese for dinner every night.
I know plenty of people will say things like "Of course it's hard" and the like, but the real problem is that I always handle all of this and more (I mean, at least JD is in the same city at the moment), and I do it with a good deal more grace than I am at the moment. The real problem is that my calm seems to be gone, and I am so incredibly stressed that I can't fall asleep at night even when I'm exhausted. So I am going to see if I can get in to counseling tomorrow, but other than that not entirely sure what to do. I really wish I could schedule an hour long walk at some point in the afternoon, but it's quite simply too cold to keep the fusspot in her stroller that long given that she currently refuses to wear gloves, it's too cold and not all that safe for me to go alone by the time JD gets home at 10 or 11 pm, and I really don't have the time during the day ...
I am worried about making it through the next month without making both JD and the fusspot stressed. I am worried about really bonding with/enjoying a newborn when I am quite this stressed. I am worried about the stress affecting the baby, or sending me into pre-term labor (the fusspot was already early, so everyone I talk to keeps reminding me that it could be "any day" and I know that 34.5 weeks would be ok eventually, but it's hardly ideal). I need to figure out a way to eat real food, to get some exercise despite the weather (and no, I have no gym membership at the moment and don't really see this as a reasonable time to join), to get work done during the day, and to relax. I am sticking with my motto for the year, which is that I alone am responsible for my own happiness, and I'm hardly imagining that any of my long-time friends will somehow leap to my aid, so that's out.
But at least my dear readers assured me last week that this was an ok place to vent.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
I don't have children so not much I can give as advice, but honey, you can vent here 5 times a day if it makes you feel better. We will listen (read) and hopefully it makes you feel better.
I want to say something helpful but I'm also tired and the words just aren't coming. I'm so sorry you're feeling so stressed. I cannot imagine how you're dealing with all that you are. You're bound to have moments (or days) like this. Maybe part of being responsible for your own happiness is convincing JD that you need more help as you enter the last weeks of your pregnancy? Again, I wish I had something more helpful to add--and I might tomorrow--but for now please know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of hugs.
I just had the experience of re-reading ALL Of my blog posts, including the ones during my pregnancy with Peanut. Honey, you ain't b*tching too much, so don't worry. Feel free to go re-read mine from this point last year (I was about 32/33 wks then), to compare.
We're back to having sleep issues with Peanut. Again.
Vent away! You need it. You ~need~ support. There is absolutely no reason for you not to get it- ask JD for something- anything- to help you cope better. Even if it is just as simple as letting the fusspot CIO one night so that you have a chance at trying for a new routine. Sleep is hard- lack of sleep makes you feel at the end of your rope. We had one awful night on sunday & being in the 2nd tri & working a full day after no sleep was impossible. It quite literally made me sick and I spent all afternoon passed out on the couch or in bed. I have no idea how you have done all you do for so long- except I know you have handled it all amazingly. But you don't have to be perfection 24/7- it is ok to have a few cracks and flaws & if that means your husband & the fusspot see a cranky/upset/tired/frustrated mom they will survive!
Take care of yourself- please e-mail me if you need to, not sure how I could help but I am always willing to try!
We just tried a baloney version of CIO two nights ago. Yeah. Did NOT work. I have JD's issue, I think, of being incapable of consistency. I'm trying so hard to be gentle, but I literally have no idea what to do next.
So, yeah. I hear you. Stress is no joke. It does terrible things to your brain, and terrible things to your body. Rest assured, though, that Project 2.0 is a durable little one, and I have no doubt that he will weather the stress just fine. You, though, seem like you are on the edge, and I highly recommend counseling as a way to find tools for relieving stress during pregnancy. It's exactly what I did, and it did help to some degree. Of course, I was mostly seeking counseling for stress in order to get some relief from the insomnia, but that never really did let up. It's like a vicious cycle-- stress keeps you up, which keeps you from getting much needed rest, which makes it harder to handle the... STRESS. Ugh.
Anyhow, all this wordy baloney is just to say that while I haven't lived the exact situation you're in, I can relate to stress, so very, very much right now. Really. Please do vent away here as much as you ever need to. And I promise to actually comment more promptly in the future, because I am actually reading, and listening, and I know how much better it feels when you get feedback on the various issues encountered, so I'm sorry it's taken me so long to reply to your posts, and will heretofore attempt to do what I can to give that much-needed feedback!
Post a Comment