and if you're still reading at this point you know:
a. I whine a lot
b. I have a beautiful, healthy 6-month old
c. I am most definitely not over my infertility and I desperately want more children (yes, plural)
Even though my midwife told me it would be "an act of gd" if I conceive naturally and 2 of my 3 REs told me I had a 0% chance of conceiving naturally, I am still. just now. finally coming to terms with the fact that I will not be one of those incredibly lucky women who gets pregnant 'naturally' postpartum. Despite not using birth control. Despite all of my best efforts.
And when I read of people buying pee-sticks 'just to make sure' or because they had some 'symptoms' it makes me so sad. I have only ever bought pee-sticks once. Two of them. And they both said positive (and that was my fusspot). Because I just don't have to seriously consider it - even if I am going to have a drink while on vacation.
Because, as I should have known, I am just not going to ovulate. Yes, I got 2 periods postpartum but they are long, long gone and there is absolutely no sign of ovulation. Yes, I am still breastfeeding exclusively on-demand, but since my husband is leaving in 2 weeks for about a year I see no chance that I will be one of the lucky ones who manages to conceive immediately after a pregnancy because the pregnancy in some way 'reset' my hormonal misbalances (which it did according to some lab work I had done last month - the numbers were far better than before although still no sign of ovulation. Did I mention I'm a bit obsessive about my lab work and have things like my FSH level going back a good 10 years?) And while I might have bought a few last minute plane tickets to see him when we were both in the same country, it's unlikely last-minute international sales will allow such optimism.
And this is why a few little snippets of conversation with JD are so very heart-warming. Because I am not going to have another baby until he decides* it is time for us to head to the fertility clinic (and I wean the fusspot, of course). Oh, and of course we have to pay for or finance it.
Hence, conversations from a week's vacation (and more on that and flying with the fusspot tomorrow). And of course the upside of JD's infamous 'tact' is that I tend to trust that his musings are genuine and generally undigested thoughts:
- At the beginning of the week JD mentioned how we should enjoy this vacation because it will be 'nearly impossible' to take such vacations in the future with more than one child. By the end of the week he was pointing out the happy families of 3 we passed.
- JD spent a good hour when we got back tonight looking at photos of the fusspot as a newborn and musing about having such a little baby around.
- He pointed out two 'highly functional' double strollers in the airpot this morning
- While talking about money he complained that I don't want to plan any 'inexpensive' vacations and I jokingly suggested that next summer we could summer in City Y. He seemed surprised since it is a non-distinct midsized city in the South and certainly not a usual tourist destination and although he has several good friends there I don't. I jokingly noted that I'd cycle during the vacation and we'd save tons of money both by staying with his friends and not going too far and by using the cheap down South clinic. And instead of scoffing or rolling his eyes like usual (just about the timing, not about cycling again) he said it might just work.
I am really hoping that if he agrees to picking a month to cycle again - be it next summer or even next fall (i.e. 12+ months away) I will have a clear moment to wait for. In the meantime, while sitting on a rock watching the waves crash into the cliffs (and ignoring the topless French sunbathers because really? those 19-year-olds have nothing on my post-IF drugs milk-producing curves) we plotted out a budget to save for Fusspot Version 2.0. Now let's just hope neither of us gets laid off and no major unusal expenses come up and we might have a start date.
* I didn't know how to write this above. This is not to suggest that JD 'calls the shots' in our relationship or he's in charge. It's just that we both have to be on board for this type of project and in many ways it is nice that he is such a calm, naive, conservative counterpoint to my barreling ahead at full speed towards whatever it is I happen to want (including JD).
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2 comments:
I deal with similiar feelings. Everyone asks me, because we have b/g twins, "Are you done?" And, when I reply "No," they always look at me like I'm crazy. Well, actually most of the time, they say, "Oh, a boy and a girl, you must be done!" It's so frustrating to me.
I don't know when we'll try again, but we talk about it all the time.
I joke with Dave that I want identical twin girls next. :-) I just think it'd be fun to buy cute, matching dresses.
Just wanted to drop by and say "hey" and that I feel your, at least a little bit.
I'm right there with you. My head knows that there's little to no chance I can conceive naturally (I do ovulate, but the eggs have no place to go except a free-float around my abdomen). It also knows that there is absolutely no way we'll go through IVF again to have a third child.
My heart, however, has failed to get the message. I find myself wistfully thinking of just one more chance to be pregnant, to have a cuddly newborn, etc.
I'm so glad that you and your boy are finding the same page as far as having another child go. That's a huge step.
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