If there's one thing infertility has taught me it's that things aren't fair, there are lots of stupid people out there, playground bullies don't disappear in a poof of smoke after middle school, even stupid people have babies ... sigh.
I write this blog to document my journey towards and through motherhood and to connect with other peoples in the internets. I talk about political things as they affect my life, and I am quite open about my political and personal beliefs. And I'm really happy to talk about them, as long as the conversation is civil and genuine. But racial epithets about our president, my identity, my daughter's identity, etc. are inappropriate. And because of that I will not being allowing anonymous comments at the moment and I will delete comments which I do not think are appropriate. I will also enable comment moderation if necessary. I really hope that this does not block some of my incredible readers from reading and commenting, and if it does you are always welcome to e-mail me at longdistanceinfertility (at) gmail.
For a much more articulate response, please go read the incredible woman who is currently "sleeping in business class" every night (I love that idea!) (I'm not linking for obvious reasons but most of you know where to find her online and if you don't you can always e-mail me).
And now I'm off to play with my beautiful bi-racial toddler who is brandishing a wooden hammer rather menacingly at my breast pump.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Toddler shoes (again)
I love finding out who actually has the patience to read my blog. Hi Kate! And thanks Shinjeil for stepping up to defend me.
In all honesty, my first thought after reading the clever wit of anonymous was "how lovely that I have middle school readers too." Seriously? Telling someone to "leave" if they "don't like it" is so 5th grade click. But more importantly, if you are sick of liberals than why in the world are you reading this blog? I don't really think it's for my brilliant prose. I am (left of left of left, but anyway) a first generation American married to a new immigrant, future academic, feminist, deeply religious (which for me means a sense of profound responsibility to help others), pro-choice, pro-universal health care, environmentally conscious, pro-higher taxation and government services outspoken mother. Rather than "get out" I will use my time, money and brains to lobby for universal health care and many other liberal causes (honestly dear readers, I am pretty sure that my husband was more emotional watching the election results in 2008 than during the fusspot's delivery. Ok, very sure). Oh yeah, and I'm not exactly sure where I would go since I am after all an American citizen (as is JD and the fusspot). They're not exactly enthusiastic about Americans over here. And despite spending over $1000 on paperwork, I was only given a very temporary green card. In fact, it's just about expired and the fusspot and I may yet again enter limbo as we wait for our renewal (which is being processed and has been 'in progress' for months now). Luckily, the well-care clinic here wouldn't even dream of asking me whether I am legal or even a resident.
So, JD should arrive for his long-awaited visit in a few short days, barring any security issues. See, JD is a bit worried about flying under the current high-alert system. I am very much hoping that he can carry back two suitcases full of a year's worth of toys and clothes from the fusspot, let alone 30-50 books not available in the U.S. which I have acquired because international shipping is exorbitant. And to further that goal, JD's very large suitcase will contain the following:
- another large suitcase stuffed inside
inside that:
- bisquick
- Nature's Valley cinammon granola bars
- gallon sized ziploc bags (with zippers! whee!)
- a new sewing pattern for me (see me thriftily saving on shipping)
- 1 netflix movie
- 4 t-shirts, 4 pairs of boxers, 4 pairs of socks, 1 pair jeans
- 1 razor
Yeah, I have a feeling he's going to face some "secondary screening." But hopefully he'll be able to bring back quite a bit of stuff. In addition to everything we brought over which I want to bring back, I've had a little shopping problem recently. With shoes. Toddler shoes.
Toddler shoes were a rather big symbol of the overwhelming suckiness of infertility for us. See, my neighbors not only had a new baby but also a lovely little boy toddler who used to throw his shoes against my door in our old apartment building. So when I'd open the door in the morning during cycles two adorable little toddler shoes would tumble into my entryway. And really, that's my only excuse for celebrating being so close to needing toddler shoes of my own. The fusspot and I have been on a little shopping binge recently (mostly at goodwills, a few are also from second hand shops, none cost over $10 and most were below $5).
Most stylish baby in the room (need I add that they were made in Italy):
Sporty baby:
Dressy baby:
A few spare shoes:
Something for a rainy day:
Ok, so in my defense those shoes are in 3 different sizes which ought to take her through at least the next year if not longer. And how do I decide what to put her in each morning? Actually, she wears these:
Not only is she not yet walking (and thus doesn't need hard soles), but you can just make out in this photo that the fusspot is indeed still in size 0-6 months shoes. In addition to being 2 standard deviations below average here in Lalaland for height, she also has newborn size feet. Not that that will stop me from a good bargain.
In all honesty, my first thought after reading the clever wit of anonymous was "how lovely that I have middle school readers too." Seriously? Telling someone to "leave" if they "don't like it" is so 5th grade click. But more importantly, if you are sick of liberals than why in the world are you reading this blog? I don't really think it's for my brilliant prose. I am (left of left of left, but anyway) a first generation American married to a new immigrant, future academic, feminist, deeply religious (which for me means a sense of profound responsibility to help others), pro-choice, pro-universal health care, environmentally conscious, pro-higher taxation and government services outspoken mother. Rather than "get out" I will use my time, money and brains to lobby for universal health care and many other liberal causes (honestly dear readers, I am pretty sure that my husband was more emotional watching the election results in 2008 than during the fusspot's delivery. Ok, very sure). Oh yeah, and I'm not exactly sure where I would go since I am after all an American citizen (as is JD and the fusspot). They're not exactly enthusiastic about Americans over here. And despite spending over $1000 on paperwork, I was only given a very temporary green card. In fact, it's just about expired and the fusspot and I may yet again enter limbo as we wait for our renewal (which is being processed and has been 'in progress' for months now). Luckily, the well-care clinic here wouldn't even dream of asking me whether I am legal or even a resident.
So, JD should arrive for his long-awaited visit in a few short days, barring any security issues. See, JD is a bit worried about flying under the current high-alert system. I am very much hoping that he can carry back two suitcases full of a year's worth of toys and clothes from the fusspot, let alone 30-50 books not available in the U.S. which I have acquired because international shipping is exorbitant. And to further that goal, JD's very large suitcase will contain the following:
- another large suitcase stuffed inside
inside that:
- bisquick
- Nature's Valley cinammon granola bars
- gallon sized ziploc bags (with zippers! whee!)
- a new sewing pattern for me (see me thriftily saving on shipping)
- 1 netflix movie
- 4 t-shirts, 4 pairs of boxers, 4 pairs of socks, 1 pair jeans
- 1 razor
Yeah, I have a feeling he's going to face some "secondary screening." But hopefully he'll be able to bring back quite a bit of stuff. In addition to everything we brought over which I want to bring back, I've had a little shopping problem recently. With shoes. Toddler shoes.
Toddler shoes were a rather big symbol of the overwhelming suckiness of infertility for us. See, my neighbors not only had a new baby but also a lovely little boy toddler who used to throw his shoes against my door in our old apartment building. So when I'd open the door in the morning during cycles two adorable little toddler shoes would tumble into my entryway. And really, that's my only excuse for celebrating being so close to needing toddler shoes of my own. The fusspot and I have been on a little shopping binge recently (mostly at goodwills, a few are also from second hand shops, none cost over $10 and most were below $5).
Most stylish baby in the room (need I add that they were made in Italy):
Sporty baby:
Dressy baby:
A few spare shoes:
Something for a rainy day:
Ok, so in my defense those shoes are in 3 different sizes which ought to take her through at least the next year if not longer. And how do I decide what to put her in each morning? Actually, she wears these:
Not only is she not yet walking (and thus doesn't need hard soles), but you can just make out in this photo that the fusspot is indeed still in size 0-6 months shoes. In addition to being 2 standard deviations below average here in Lalaland for height, she also has newborn size feet. Not that that will stop me from a good bargain.
Thank you (and new angst)
for all the parenting advice. The posts are going to be a bit slow over the next few weeks - I have SO much to do before we leave Lalaland.
So we had a developmental consult on Monday. Free, of course. Actually, quite funny. I had about 10 people over for Chinese New Years on Sunday and we were talking about the well-care for children here, and I made some comment about how nice it was that it's all free (all. well-care. specialists. vaccines. meds. all - except the ER and sick visits which are supposed to be covered by insurance. Too bad JD didn't notice our $800 deductible until now) and one of the local guys gave me this puzzled look and said "They charge for children's doctors appointments in the U.S.? What do parents do who don't have the money?" Yeah, sometimes I'm not so proud to be an American.
Anyway, the doctor ruled the fusspot 100% normal, totally fine. Which is great and all ... it's just that ... at 14 months the fusspot doesn't have a single word or sign. I'm not even sure she understands basic sentences like "I'm going to change your diaper now" or "Do you want to nurse?" (ok, that's not exactly how we say it around here ... I usually look at her and say "Boobie time?"). She definitely can hear me because we go back and forth where she'll babble something and I'll repeat it and she'll say it again. She's also responsive to things I do. We have a funny game where I put something on my head and sing a song, and she'll imitate it endlessly. So I think everything is fine, but I keep reading about other mothers being referred for PT or ST when their babies are far, far more advanced than the fusspot (and our American pediatrician tries to refer us every. single. time. but always for something different).
I do have a theory about it. My theory is that American peds are so rushed that they provide endless referrals on the hope that the nurse or therapist who sees you will have more than 5-10 minute and that they can thus catch the serious problems and not be negligent. Over here, my developmental consult was scheduled for a full hour, and we see a RN every 3 months to weigh and measure the fusspot and answer any parenting questions (really, they're quite good. They always check if I have any questions before we leave, have a LC on staff, always say to call with questions).
So, have any of you actually been through speech therapy? Found it useful? Should I push for it or duck and delay when we get back to NYC?
So we had a developmental consult on Monday. Free, of course. Actually, quite funny. I had about 10 people over for Chinese New Years on Sunday and we were talking about the well-care for children here, and I made some comment about how nice it was that it's all free (all. well-care. specialists. vaccines. meds. all - except the ER and sick visits which are supposed to be covered by insurance. Too bad JD didn't notice our $800 deductible until now) and one of the local guys gave me this puzzled look and said "They charge for children's doctors appointments in the U.S.? What do parents do who don't have the money?" Yeah, sometimes I'm not so proud to be an American.
Anyway, the doctor ruled the fusspot 100% normal, totally fine. Which is great and all ... it's just that ... at 14 months the fusspot doesn't have a single word or sign. I'm not even sure she understands basic sentences like "I'm going to change your diaper now" or "Do you want to nurse?" (ok, that's not exactly how we say it around here ... I usually look at her and say "Boobie time?"). She definitely can hear me because we go back and forth where she'll babble something and I'll repeat it and she'll say it again. She's also responsive to things I do. We have a funny game where I put something on my head and sing a song, and she'll imitate it endlessly. So I think everything is fine, but I keep reading about other mothers being referred for PT or ST when their babies are far, far more advanced than the fusspot (and our American pediatrician tries to refer us every. single. time. but always for something different).
I do have a theory about it. My theory is that American peds are so rushed that they provide endless referrals on the hope that the nurse or therapist who sees you will have more than 5-10 minute and that they can thus catch the serious problems and not be negligent. Over here, my developmental consult was scheduled for a full hour, and we see a RN every 3 months to weigh and measure the fusspot and answer any parenting questions (really, they're quite good. They always check if I have any questions before we leave, have a LC on staff, always say to call with questions).
So, have any of you actually been through speech therapy? Found it useful? Should I push for it or duck and delay when we get back to NYC?
Friday, February 12, 2010
Parenting advice please
We seem to have hit the terrible toddler temper tantrums overnight. The fusspot has been screaming and thrashing during diaper changes (apparently only at home), whenever I have to wrangle her into her coat, and generally whenever we have to do anything in the morning.
I know this is normal, and probably exascerbated a bit by the fact that she neither walks nor talks and thus can't communicate her wishes very clearly. But that really doesn't help in the moment.
This morning she needed a diaper change, of the messy sort. We don't have a changing table or a changing pad here - we've just been using a spare dining room table pushed into the bedroom. But it's hard. So for the past week (after the commencement of screamfest 2010) I've been changing her on a pad on the bed. And this morning in addition to just screaming and thrashing, the fusspot tried to make a getaway. So there I was breathing deeply and trying to very, very gently restrain my baby so that I could wipe the poo off her ass before liberating her to lie on the floor and throw a proper temper tantrum. Needless to say my only set of sheets are in the laundry (and next time JD dares to suggest 'living more environmentally' by not stocking up on sheets, well, I have some thoughts on that ...)
Which is why I am turning to you dear readers. Any advice? Good books/websites? Personal techniques?
Here's what I have been doing which I find useful:
- I try to sing when she's getting pissed. I find it occasionally distracts her, but much more importantly keeps me calm
- Keep cookies nearby. They don't work 90% of the time, but the 10% of the time they do work it's nice. I can't resort to actual candy because after the great-yeast-infection-daycare-debacle we're both avoiding sugar (and the cookies have no sugar except fruit). And anyways, it's good to check that she's not actually hungry.
- I try to give her time to fuss and learn to cope, but not only does the fusspot have a rather excessive amount of energy to devote to lying on the floor kicking, but she also gives me these pitiful looks as if to say that she also has no idea how to deal with this
- Nursing always works, but I just can't always do it. This morning I'd already nursed her through 2 little fits (one over getting her nails cut, one about taking off her pjs)
So please, commiserate and share your survival tips. In exchange I offer you my favorite website for Chinese recipes (new years coming up this weekend): http://userealbutter.com/
I know this is normal, and probably exascerbated a bit by the fact that she neither walks nor talks and thus can't communicate her wishes very clearly. But that really doesn't help in the moment.
This morning she needed a diaper change, of the messy sort. We don't have a changing table or a changing pad here - we've just been using a spare dining room table pushed into the bedroom. But it's hard. So for the past week (after the commencement of screamfest 2010) I've been changing her on a pad on the bed. And this morning in addition to just screaming and thrashing, the fusspot tried to make a getaway. So there I was breathing deeply and trying to very, very gently restrain my baby so that I could wipe the poo off her ass before liberating her to lie on the floor and throw a proper temper tantrum. Needless to say my only set of sheets are in the laundry (and next time JD dares to suggest 'living more environmentally' by not stocking up on sheets, well, I have some thoughts on that ...)
Which is why I am turning to you dear readers. Any advice? Good books/websites? Personal techniques?
Here's what I have been doing which I find useful:
- I try to sing when she's getting pissed. I find it occasionally distracts her, but much more importantly keeps me calm
- Keep cookies nearby. They don't work 90% of the time, but the 10% of the time they do work it's nice. I can't resort to actual candy because after the great-yeast-infection-daycare-debacle we're both avoiding sugar (and the cookies have no sugar except fruit). And anyways, it's good to check that she's not actually hungry.
- I try to give her time to fuss and learn to cope, but not only does the fusspot have a rather excessive amount of energy to devote to lying on the floor kicking, but she also gives me these pitiful looks as if to say that she also has no idea how to deal with this
- Nursing always works, but I just can't always do it. This morning I'd already nursed her through 2 little fits (one over getting her nails cut, one about taking off her pjs)
So please, commiserate and share your survival tips. In exchange I offer you my favorite website for Chinese recipes (new years coming up this weekend): http://userealbutter.com/
Monday, February 8, 2010
Leave it to the Italians ...
To beat our favorite local ad from this year:
Don't worry, we were hardly loitering in an 'adult' part of town, this ad hung rather prominently at the very family-friendly airport.
Don't worry, we were hardly loitering in an 'adult' part of town, this ad hung rather prominently at the very family-friendly airport.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Back to strollers
So I posted some time ago that I was obsessing about which stroller to bring for a weekend in a big city known for its pizza, gelato, and classical ruins. See, all the silly baby travel websites suggest a stroller with big wheels would be better on the cobblestones. Duh, says me. Of course it would. But it's always a trade-off: big stroller for walking, but how many elevators are there into the subway system? Are strollers allowed onto buses? (I have googled this every which way and can't figure out the answer).
And then I had a little epiphany. See, folks, I live in a medieval city with cobblestones. I walk everywhere, and I have lugged my baby (often carrying her in the Ergo or Moby and lugging the stroller) over many cobblestones (including those directly in front of our public library). I don't need to google that type of travel advice, because at the end of this weekend the fusspot and I will have been in every major Northern European capital. And for the most part, we've done that alone or meeting up with friends who were in no way responsible for the fusspot's welfare. And honestly, I'm kind-of proud to that.
Oh, and while we're on the subject of strollers, another ode to the bugaboo:
yes, she's skating.
Back on Monday night.
And then I had a little epiphany. See, folks, I live in a medieval city with cobblestones. I walk everywhere, and I have lugged my baby (often carrying her in the Ergo or Moby and lugging the stroller) over many cobblestones (including those directly in front of our public library). I don't need to google that type of travel advice, because at the end of this weekend the fusspot and I will have been in every major Northern European capital. And for the most part, we've done that alone or meeting up with friends who were in no way responsible for the fusspot's welfare. And honestly, I'm kind-of proud to that.
Oh, and while we're on the subject of strollers, another ode to the bugaboo:
yes, she's skating.Back on Monday night.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Updates all around
Well, needless to say JD was a bit pissed about my e-mail to him re: childcare. But luckily he was out at his parents for the weekend and they talked some sense into him (although I fear mostly of the variety: "Well, you married a crazy American so what can you do?") and ... he finally posted a new ad, in Chinese, someplace I'd suggested and what do you know? Five replies thus far, all of which seem reasonable.
So over the weekend JD is off to interview two families with a single toddler at home where the mother is looking to earn a little money. One sounds quite perfect after a brief phone call: literally a block away from us, both mother and grandmother are home with one 15 month old boy. I really do love the idea of a home daycare situation. I don't know the fusspot to grow up thinking the world revolves around her, I think being with another child is good for her social skills, and I think that JD will be less stressed if we can pay back a bigger chunk of the debt next year (all student loans for any new readers).
So JD asked if I would e-mail him a list of questions to ask, and we were talking about it. And I mentioned something about 'parenting philosophy' and he basically cracked up and reminded me that these people are truly and in the very best sense of the word fresh off the boat. No, they're not going to share our American obsessions (things like organic food, cloth diapers, no TV) and honestly? It's going to be fine. I care about the fusspot being safe, feeling loved, learning to share and play with others, reading some books, singing some songs, going to the playground every day, and learning Chinese. If she gets all of that in 32 hours a week I really will have to get over whether she also eats junk food, watches TV, gets left to CIO in her crib, etc. Really, it's 9 to 5 4 days a week. JD or I are with her the rest of the time, and I can do everything else I care about in that time.
So here are the questions I was going to e-mail JD (in much longer form, of course). Any suggestions on reasonable/important things I've left out much appreciated:
- If we buy a double stroller, will they take the fusspot and their child out to the playground every day? What about library story time, etc.?
- How much TV? What if we make no TV a requirement?
- What do they think would be reasonable to do if one of the toddlers (toddlers!) is sick? If their child is sick and we need to go to work, could we still bring the fusspot over (presuming she would have been exposed to the cold/flu the day before when it was far more contagious). Along those lines, are their kids fully vaccinated?
- Who else has access to the apartment? What type of babyproofing has been done? Where are cleaning supplies stored?
- If we bring over a pack 'n play, do they have room to set up it up for the fusspot to nap in? Where would she nap every day? Is it quiet? Where would their child nap?
- How do they discipline? Hitting? Quiet time? Taking away food? (I think these need to be asked as open ended questions during the interview. If we make them an offer we can then clarify what is ok with the fusspot)
- What do they see as an ordinary days schedule?
- Would they provide lunch or want us to pack lunch? Do they have room for a second high chair?
- Is it ok if either of us drops by unannounced to see the fusspot?
Anything else?
And now for another touchy subject: sleep.
I read a post tonight by a woman who I otherwise like which started with the very reasonable "We would never do CIO." Fine. I will never feed my kid pork. Call me crazy, that's my choice. But then she went out (I am paraphrasing here): "We're not criticizing other parents. It's just that we love our baby and all."
So yeah, I did CIO. And it wasn't particularly effective, but the honest truth is that whether the fusspot put herself to sleep quickly or not there are some nights when I need to be able to shower and do the dishes and know that she is safe in her crib, even if she is miserable. And while I could blame it on single parenting and working, etc. the fact is that if JD and I were living together it would be even more important for me to have a couple of hours sans baby in the evening to reconnect with my husband. Ms. Peesticks and Stones posted about this recently, and I also believe that staying happily married (and demonstrating a good, functional relationship to the fusspot) is far more important to her future than jumping up to be with her every time she is upset.
So, state of communal bed and such: I am back to nursing the fusspot to sleep every night, no matter how long it takes. I aim to have her in bed by 8:01 pm at the very latest. And then, if she wakes up between 8 and 11, I go into the room, make sure she's ok, and unceremoniously dump her in her crib (which is of course congruent with the baby). I know she's safe, not hungry, and I need that time. If she wakes up between 11 and 1am I usually nurse her again and then put her in the crib. From when I go to bed at 1 am until 8 am she sleeps snuggled next to me and has unfettered access to snacks (glory be to our new heating system!). So it's not exactly traditional sleep training, but it works well for us for now.
So over the weekend JD is off to interview two families with a single toddler at home where the mother is looking to earn a little money. One sounds quite perfect after a brief phone call: literally a block away from us, both mother and grandmother are home with one 15 month old boy. I really do love the idea of a home daycare situation. I don't know the fusspot to grow up thinking the world revolves around her, I think being with another child is good for her social skills, and I think that JD will be less stressed if we can pay back a bigger chunk of the debt next year (all student loans for any new readers).
So JD asked if I would e-mail him a list of questions to ask, and we were talking about it. And I mentioned something about 'parenting philosophy' and he basically cracked up and reminded me that these people are truly and in the very best sense of the word fresh off the boat. No, they're not going to share our American obsessions (things like organic food, cloth diapers, no TV) and honestly? It's going to be fine. I care about the fusspot being safe, feeling loved, learning to share and play with others, reading some books, singing some songs, going to the playground every day, and learning Chinese. If she gets all of that in 32 hours a week I really will have to get over whether she also eats junk food, watches TV, gets left to CIO in her crib, etc. Really, it's 9 to 5 4 days a week. JD or I are with her the rest of the time, and I can do everything else I care about in that time.
So here are the questions I was going to e-mail JD (in much longer form, of course). Any suggestions on reasonable/important things I've left out much appreciated:
- If we buy a double stroller, will they take the fusspot and their child out to the playground every day? What about library story time, etc.?
- How much TV? What if we make no TV a requirement?
- What do they think would be reasonable to do if one of the toddlers (toddlers!) is sick? If their child is sick and we need to go to work, could we still bring the fusspot over (presuming she would have been exposed to the cold/flu the day before when it was far more contagious). Along those lines, are their kids fully vaccinated?
- Who else has access to the apartment? What type of babyproofing has been done? Where are cleaning supplies stored?
- If we bring over a pack 'n play, do they have room to set up it up for the fusspot to nap in? Where would she nap every day? Is it quiet? Where would their child nap?
- How do they discipline? Hitting? Quiet time? Taking away food? (I think these need to be asked as open ended questions during the interview. If we make them an offer we can then clarify what is ok with the fusspot)
- What do they see as an ordinary days schedule?
- Would they provide lunch or want us to pack lunch? Do they have room for a second high chair?
- Is it ok if either of us drops by unannounced to see the fusspot?
Anything else?
And now for another touchy subject: sleep.
I read a post tonight by a woman who I otherwise like which started with the very reasonable "We would never do CIO." Fine. I will never feed my kid pork. Call me crazy, that's my choice. But then she went out (I am paraphrasing here): "We're not criticizing other parents. It's just that we love our baby and all."
So yeah, I did CIO. And it wasn't particularly effective, but the honest truth is that whether the fusspot put herself to sleep quickly or not there are some nights when I need to be able to shower and do the dishes and know that she is safe in her crib, even if she is miserable. And while I could blame it on single parenting and working, etc. the fact is that if JD and I were living together it would be even more important for me to have a couple of hours sans baby in the evening to reconnect with my husband. Ms. Peesticks and Stones posted about this recently, and I also believe that staying happily married (and demonstrating a good, functional relationship to the fusspot) is far more important to her future than jumping up to be with her every time she is upset.
So, state of communal bed and such: I am back to nursing the fusspot to sleep every night, no matter how long it takes. I aim to have her in bed by 8:01 pm at the very latest. And then, if she wakes up between 8 and 11, I go into the room, make sure she's ok, and unceremoniously dump her in her crib (which is of course congruent with the baby). I know she's safe, not hungry, and I need that time. If she wakes up between 11 and 1am I usually nurse her again and then put her in the crib. From when I go to bed at 1 am until 8 am she sleeps snuggled next to me and has unfettered access to snacks (glory be to our new heating system!). So it's not exactly traditional sleep training, but it works well for us for now.
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