1. First time EIGHT women in a row have asked me "What does your husband do that brings you here to Lalaland?" Not even the slightest opening for me to reply that it is in fact my career that brings me here [And here I have conveniently put my little feminist rant into brackets so you can ignore it: THIS is why feminism does not equal choice for me. Because -your- choices influence expectations of me. And while the fusspot does not yet quite grasp the conversation, in four or five or six years she will. And she will understand that society expects her to choose between being a mother and having a career And society expects her to dutifully trail around after her hard-working husband (and don't even get me started on the absurd expectations on men - starting with the fact that they will single-handedly support their partners and families ...). And it will suck when she comes to that realization.]
2. First time I've ever been hit on while in the process of clearly packing up dirty breastpump parts. Whee! Ok, so I can count the number of people under 50 on one hand in my current research location, but still ... I had dirty breastpump parts in my hand and he still wanted to know what I was doing after work! Ok, maybe that's just creepy in retrospect.
3. And my first official baby playgroup experience was fine. I even think I may have made a new friend. We exchanged e-mails and talked about meeting up for a walk or playground-time some weekend - that counts, doesn't it? Of course, to get to that point I had to smile very sweetly and just ignore her comment on long-awaited babies* that "Yeah, I was worried about IF too. But sometimes you just have to wait and relax. And then everything works out fine." Yeah. And inject your stomach with drugs daily, but who am I to quibble about the details?
Updated to add #4. First time that the fusspot was sleeping when I arrived at daycare and I had to wake her. And thus, the first time that I saw my baby fast asleep unswaddled, sans pacifier, and on her stomach. Huh.
* And yes, she did apparently manage to naturally conceive a child in her mid-40s, but obviously not her first.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Quick update
Feeling much better. Took a day to work at home. The fusspot screamed when I left her at daycare, but seemed to be in excellent spirits when I picked her up and in absolutely no rush to leave. Apparently the rest of the under-2s fingerpainted today. All of their handprints were neatly pinned on the wall next to ... the fusspot's footprints. In a class of ten, she was the only one they couldn't get to stop eating the paint long enough to do handprints. Hence footprints.
I also have a new favorite meal: tortilla wrap with tofu fake-chicken and aged gouda cheese. Truly excellent. Excellent enough that I had said meal for dinner yesterday, and lunch and dinner today.
And after repeatedly considering utilizing the canoe so handily stored outside my door as it has rained for days and days, the sun finally came out at about 6 pm tonight. Of course, both the fusspot and I were already soaked by then having decided to go for a walk anyway, but it still cheered me up.
Declared the fusspot not allergic to tofu tonight (after 4 days of giving it to her as a finger food) and we're one step closer to letting her just eat off my plate.
All around, spirits much improved. In the morning we're off to a local playground for an hour. Here's to hoping I don't say anything too socially inappropriate. I would so love to meet a local person and have a real, live person to talk to in-person every other week or so.
I also have a new favorite meal: tortilla wrap with tofu fake-chicken and aged gouda cheese. Truly excellent. Excellent enough that I had said meal for dinner yesterday, and lunch and dinner today.
And after repeatedly considering utilizing the canoe so handily stored outside my door as it has rained for days and days, the sun finally came out at about 6 pm tonight. Of course, both the fusspot and I were already soaked by then having decided to go for a walk anyway, but it still cheered me up.
Declared the fusspot not allergic to tofu tonight (after 4 days of giving it to her as a finger food) and we're one step closer to letting her just eat off my plate.
All around, spirits much improved. In the morning we're off to a local playground for an hour. Here's to hoping I don't say anything too socially inappropriate. I would so love to meet a local person and have a real, live person to talk to in-person every other week or so.
Floundering
I considered writing failing, but things aren't quite that bad yet.
The fusspot was up every hour again yesterday night. Make that 5 nights running.
It is getting harder to talk to JD about the situation. First of all, he feels terribly guilty that he can't be here with us and he worries endlessly about me. And then, he does not really share my interest for reading parenting books or talking to other parents about parenting in the abstract, so he just tends to take as truth my statements about different options.
My mother e-mailed me again to say that she talked to a colleague who did CIO, not that she's giving me any advice mind you, and it worked great! Of course, my mother also e-mailed last week to remind me that it was the fusspot's 7-month birthday. Because she trusts my ability to multi-task and remember little things like when I gave birth, that much (It really did make me laugh to open that e-mail).
And then I called my lactation consultant, who is awesome and a big advocate of attachment parenting, and she confirmed some of my worst fears: this might be the fusspot needing to reconnect with me after daycare. She might actually be getting traumatized by being put in a crib and left to cry at daycare (let alone the propped bottles which bothers me to no end ... I understand not having the time to rock/sing/talk all the babies to sleep but seriously - bottles should not be propped. Ever.) So she recommended I drop everything and get into bed with the fusspot when she goes to bed and see how that works. And I'd love to but ... I need to make baby food, do laundry, cook my food, send work e-mails (I have no internets at work during the day) ...
So I did all of that and nursed the fusspot every time she woke up. And I am exhausted. Really, truly exhausted. And the worst part is that my work is incredibly hard this month. It takes tons of concentration and even when I'm totally focused there are days that I get absolutely nothing done. The work will get easier in time, but for now I really feel like I'm floundering. Unable to both devote enough time to nursing/cuddling the baby and the very minimal housework* that gets done around here and be awake for work. And so tired that I dropped the fusspot at daycare this morning and then came home to get ready for work, when I know it would be better for her to have a shorter day at daycare and spend some of the morning home with me. But I am just too tired to balance a needy baby and the little tasks I'm doing at home.
I know this was going to be hard, but it wouldn't be that different from living in NYC with JD working all the time if it weren't for this awful sleep regression. So I'm really hoping it will pass soon.
I do get asked quite often why we did not wait to start a family (especially since it was hardly accidental). And I was thinking about it while feeding the fusspot. If the cycle we got lucky had not worked, we would have possibly had one more cycle with injectables and if that hadn't worked we were all scheduled for IVF in July and then another round at the end of August (if either of those had worked they would have been a disaster for my funding because I would have had to interrupt 2 grants rather than shift them) and if that hadn't worked ... I would have come back to Europe last year alone. And I would have just finished my research and returned to the U.S. in June and we'd be cycling right now. So instead of having a beautiful 7-month old, I'd be doing the labwork for a new clinic and thinking about IVF in August or September. And yes, my research would be done and I'd be living with JD, but the earliest we would be dreaming of a baby would be 1.5 years after the fusspot's grand arrival (sorry if that makes no sense - there were all sorts of restrictions on when and where we could cycle from my work, JD's work, insurance which doesn't cover IF treatments but DOES cover basic labwork and some ultrasounds, etc.) And I would have been miserable waiting an extra year and a half to find out if we could get pregnant. And I would have spent most of that waiting time alone, thousands of miles from my friends and husband. So am I glad that we did not postpone? Absolutely and unconditionally. I just wish my beautiful baby would sleep a bit more tonight.
* While I might normally just skip vacuuming, dusting, etc. for a week or two (who am I kidding? a bit longer than that) I'm pretty sure that this apartment is old enough to have lead paint. And it is peeling in a couple of places. So I REALLY need to keep up with the cleaning.
The fusspot was up every hour again yesterday night. Make that 5 nights running.
It is getting harder to talk to JD about the situation. First of all, he feels terribly guilty that he can't be here with us and he worries endlessly about me. And then, he does not really share my interest for reading parenting books or talking to other parents about parenting in the abstract, so he just tends to take as truth my statements about different options.
My mother e-mailed me again to say that she talked to a colleague who did CIO, not that she's giving me any advice mind you, and it worked great! Of course, my mother also e-mailed last week to remind me that it was the fusspot's 7-month birthday. Because she trusts my ability to multi-task and remember little things like when I gave birth, that much (It really did make me laugh to open that e-mail).
And then I called my lactation consultant, who is awesome and a big advocate of attachment parenting, and she confirmed some of my worst fears: this might be the fusspot needing to reconnect with me after daycare. She might actually be getting traumatized by being put in a crib and left to cry at daycare (let alone the propped bottles which bothers me to no end ... I understand not having the time to rock/sing/talk all the babies to sleep but seriously - bottles should not be propped. Ever.) So she recommended I drop everything and get into bed with the fusspot when she goes to bed and see how that works. And I'd love to but ... I need to make baby food, do laundry, cook my food, send work e-mails (I have no internets at work during the day) ...
So I did all of that and nursed the fusspot every time she woke up. And I am exhausted. Really, truly exhausted. And the worst part is that my work is incredibly hard this month. It takes tons of concentration and even when I'm totally focused there are days that I get absolutely nothing done. The work will get easier in time, but for now I really feel like I'm floundering. Unable to both devote enough time to nursing/cuddling the baby and the very minimal housework* that gets done around here and be awake for work. And so tired that I dropped the fusspot at daycare this morning and then came home to get ready for work, when I know it would be better for her to have a shorter day at daycare and spend some of the morning home with me. But I am just too tired to balance a needy baby and the little tasks I'm doing at home.
I know this was going to be hard, but it wouldn't be that different from living in NYC with JD working all the time if it weren't for this awful sleep regression. So I'm really hoping it will pass soon.
I do get asked quite often why we did not wait to start a family (especially since it was hardly accidental). And I was thinking about it while feeding the fusspot. If the cycle we got lucky had not worked, we would have possibly had one more cycle with injectables and if that hadn't worked we were all scheduled for IVF in July and then another round at the end of August (if either of those had worked they would have been a disaster for my funding because I would have had to interrupt 2 grants rather than shift them) and if that hadn't worked ... I would have come back to Europe last year alone. And I would have just finished my research and returned to the U.S. in June and we'd be cycling right now. So instead of having a beautiful 7-month old, I'd be doing the labwork for a new clinic and thinking about IVF in August or September. And yes, my research would be done and I'd be living with JD, but the earliest we would be dreaming of a baby would be 1.5 years after the fusspot's grand arrival (sorry if that makes no sense - there were all sorts of restrictions on when and where we could cycle from my work, JD's work, insurance which doesn't cover IF treatments but DOES cover basic labwork and some ultrasounds, etc.) And I would have been miserable waiting an extra year and a half to find out if we could get pregnant. And I would have spent most of that waiting time alone, thousands of miles from my friends and husband. So am I glad that we did not postpone? Absolutely and unconditionally. I just wish my beautiful baby would sleep a bit more tonight.
* While I might normally just skip vacuuming, dusting, etc. for a week or two (who am I kidding? a bit longer than that) I'm pretty sure that this apartment is old enough to have lead paint. And it is peeling in a couple of places. So I REALLY need to keep up with the cleaning.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Sweet but sad
The fusspot says good-night to her daddy. She is grinning (and only swaddled from the waist down!) because he is singing her his good-night song ("Sleepy-sleepy baby go to sleep." I don't think there's a second verse).
I can't believe he's only been gone a week. Of course, I also am slightly suspicious that there is some conspiracy theory behind the fusspot getting her first real cold almost immediately after he left.
On the weekends I have started calling him and talking to him when I nurse her to sleep - just like I would in New York. She does the same back-and-forth-great-tennis-match moves as she would if we were in the same room. And she has finally noticed his face 'in the computer.' Very sweet, but not exactly ideal parenting conditions when you have a cold, hard laptop on the far side of the bed (the very side of the bed we're still avoiding ...)
I can't believe he's only been gone a week. Of course, I also am slightly suspicious that there is some conspiracy theory behind the fusspot getting her first real cold almost immediately after he left.
On the weekends I have started calling him and talking to him when I nurse her to sleep - just like I would in New York. She does the same back-and-forth-great-tennis-match moves as she would if we were in the same room. And she has finally noticed his face 'in the computer.' Very sweet, but not exactly ideal parenting conditions when you have a cold, hard laptop on the far side of the bed (the very side of the bed we're still avoiding ...)
And it rained ...
all day long. Until 4:30 pm. I think I'm going a bit crazy.
We did make it out to the supermarket at least. Of course, not that the two closest ones are open on Sunday. Because it's Sunday of course.
Yesterday night the fusspot was only up about 6-8 times. I tried giving her a bottle of pumped milk, I tried rocking her, I tried turning the lights on and waking her up fully and then putting her back to bed ... and then I just gave in and nursed her. every. single. time. she. woke. up.
All recent signs are pointing to just a nice daycare cold, and no sign of teeth.
I worry that I bore even myself.
We did make it out to the supermarket at least. Of course, not that the two closest ones are open on Sunday. Because it's Sunday of course.
Yesterday night the fusspot was only up about 6-8 times. I tried giving her a bottle of pumped milk, I tried rocking her, I tried turning the lights on and waking her up fully and then putting her back to bed ... and then I just gave in and nursed her. every. single. time. she. woke. up.
All recent signs are pointing to just a nice daycare cold, and no sign of teeth.
I worry that I bore even myself.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
It can only get better tonight ...
I'm not sure how many times the fusspot woke up last night because I lost count after ten. But it was about 6:30 am when she was eating (again) and I realized I was cold. And so was she. [Cue music of doom].
Never even crossed my mind that having a baby eat all night long, regardless of the explanation, might just result in a leaky diaper. See, my beloved cloth diapers have never leaked at night so I just didn't think to change her. Which is why I woke up in a large wet spot. She'd leaked through her diaper, warm pajamas (when will it be summer here?) and swaddler.
And it was shabbos and cold and rainy. And I only have one set of sheets. [Cue more music of doom]. Which is to say that the fusspot and I will be sleeping on the far side of the bed and avoiding a certain area now delicately marked with a kitchen towel until the sun comes out and I can both wash and hang dry my only sheets in a single day.
Hoping for a better night and a bright sunny day tomorrow. And thank you all for your suggestions. I think, Io, when you suggest whiskey in milk that's code for me to kick back a few on behalf of the fusspot? And Connie (who sadly has not yet started a blog of her own) - I am absolutely going to take you up on your offer if I can't convince my mother to bring me teething biscuits and a huge-costco-size box of Cheerios in addition to the numerous other items on my shopping list for her when she visits next month.
Never even crossed my mind that having a baby eat all night long, regardless of the explanation, might just result in a leaky diaper. See, my beloved cloth diapers have never leaked at night so I just didn't think to change her. Which is why I woke up in a large wet spot. She'd leaked through her diaper, warm pajamas (when will it be summer here?) and swaddler.
And it was shabbos and cold and rainy. And I only have one set of sheets. [Cue more music of doom]. Which is to say that the fusspot and I will be sleeping on the far side of the bed and avoiding a certain area now delicately marked with a kitchen towel until the sun comes out and I can both wash and hang dry my only sheets in a single day.
Hoping for a better night and a bright sunny day tomorrow. And thank you all for your suggestions. I think, Io, when you suggest whiskey in milk that's code for me to kick back a few on behalf of the fusspot? And Connie (who sadly has not yet started a blog of her own) - I am absolutely going to take you up on your offer if I can't convince my mother to bring me teething biscuits and a huge-costco-size box of Cheerios in addition to the numerous other items on my shopping list for her when she visits next month.
Friday, July 10, 2009
No luck
The fusspot has been in bed for 1 hour and 40 minutes. I have now nursed her back to sleep 4 times. This must be teething, right?
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