I wish I could write and say everything was better. But it's 5 am, so I guess that wouldn't be so accurate. The stress is still there, although I did get a lot of support over the weekend and some of the school issues might be getting worked out ...
I don't know if it's stress, or if the whole easy-pregnancy thing had to come to an end sooner rather than later, but 2 days into the 3rd trimester I still feel miserable:
- I had been getting leg cramps for a while, but now they've moved around my body and they're really rather painful and also make it impossible to even consider exercising
- I can't possibly sleep through the night. I went in less than a week from sleeping 8 hours straight, to having to get up to pee at least 2-3 times
- I also can't sleep between the hours of 5 and 6 am
- Lots of indigestion, and I had a 4-5 day period when I couldn't keep anything in my stomach for more than an hour. I will call my GI doctor sometime this week, but he's not going to be pleased.
- I'm perpetually hungry, but can't seem to get it together to find healthy food. And since I'm getting close to the 'ideal' total weight gain and was told to slow down my weight gain, I'm obsessing more than is productive (just to assure you this is entirely in my head, I'm only up 17 lbs at 26 weeks from my 'artificial starting place' and my goal is to stay under 30, so nobody but me is worried)
- Since I'm on to paranoias already, rather than physical problems, I'm really starting to worry about partum depression. It affects something like 10% of women, and can be a warning signal for post-partum depression and obviously problems bonding with the baby. I haven't written about it here, but I went though an episode of severe depression in the past and there's a long family history ... of course, not much to be done at this point. I doubt I could even make a counseling appointment in the next 3 months that would be covered by my insurance, and I really don't do that well with counseling. I will certainly consider meds, but not until the situation gets much worse and not unless I am fully supervised. So for now I'll just worry about it, as will JD I'm sure.
- Now that I have felt movement 3 times, it's quite clear to me that I am not feeling any movement on some days. Like yesterday. After eating out and a really bad stomach ache. Which of course is making me paranoid. Had I realized that I would still want/need a doppler in the third trimester, I definitely would have rented one.
- I'm just grumpy. Pretty much non-stop. Even to people I haven't seen since before I got pregnant who are offering me very sweet congratulations. I have started picking on the slightest thing, like the friend who ran into me on campus and immediately asked 'When's your due date?' ( a question I'm a bit touchy about, but clearly a sweet, well-intentioned one that could have been the start to a nice conversation had I not basically just walked away ...)
- Oh, and one thing that became abundantly apparent in the last week: daycare is going to be an issue. This spring I just need 20 or so hours a week of babysitting, and given my totally flexible schedule, I think that should be feasible. But, come June I need daycare in Europe. And the probability of that working out is not so high. In the particular place I will be living, they prioritize all sorts of employees before random, American students. So I need to somehow get a list of 20 or so daycares in the city I think we will be living in, and then send each of them an application form (obviously not in English). And I probably need to do the same thing for NYC for daycare starting around Jan. 1st, 2010, even though our ideal situation would be a last-minute arrangement to share a Chinese-speaking nanny part-time with someone.
- It really looks like I am going to be all alone with this baby whenever she arrives, at least for the first month before I start commuting 4 hours to another city midweek and will then at least get the wonderful support of my aunties. It's like I can see the crevice looming, and I just can't figure out how to leap over (between the cost of my mother visiting NYC right around Christmastime, my MIL's insistence that she wants me to come stay at her house but no offer to come help here, JD's colleagues who keep reminding me he will be working at least 60-70 hours a week and really too busy to help, and friends who just haven't come through ...)
I really hope that next time I post it will be full of funny stories and glad tidings that I have returned to my normal energy level. Otherwise, I really have no idea how I'm going to finish everything before December.
Of course, there were a few funny/awkward moments over the weekend. I was at a big academic conference with a lot of people I know quite well in my field (who in the world thinks up conferences that start before 7 am and end after 11 pm?). Many of them know I got a big grant to spend the year doing research in Europe, and several were people I had seen this past spring in Europe. Well ...
The first person I bump into who I hadn't seen since March is a very, sweet elderly professor. He offers me a big congratulations, starts talking, and somehow manages to state within the first 2 minutes of our conversation that he noticed the bump because 'he finds pregnant women so sexy.' This clearly could have been creepy or awkward, but watching this esteemed, elderly man basically wilt and try to fade into the wall was hysterical. He of course apologized, tried to explain that the statement was meant in the abstract, tried to talk his way out of it, and then just collapsed in embarassment.
But far more entertaining were the many male professors who asked why I was back in NYC. [Side note: having not had time to go shopping for conference clothing, I was wearing my normal collection of tight t-shirts and skirts. My bump is quite noticeable at this point]. I just didn't know what to say. Um, there's a huge looming bump between us ... are you blind? I mean really, they expressed immense surprise when I told them I was pregnant. I guess some guys really are that oblivious.
Oh, and I drove my friend R. and her 2 month old daughter up to the conference so I got a full practice run on installing a car seat into JD's parent's car and bringing a stroller to a conference and changing diapers without a changing table in a public restroom. Fabulous way to cover up your own bump is to carry a beautiful, happy 2 month old around ...
Now that it's reached 6 am I'm going to try and go back to sleep.
* And yes, I of course realize that I am incredibly lucky that all seems to be well with our very, very quiet, still baby. And honestly, with my health in the big picture. And we'll sort the finances out at some point. I just kept hoping that I would get to really enjoy this pregnancy at some point, and I'm not sure it's going to happen. But what matters is clearly what happens afterwards.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Thursday, September 11, 2008
lost
It's 10:30 pm and I just realized I haven't eaten since noon. JD is of course safe and sound and away from my fury at his parents. And here I sit obsessing about how my sadness/anger/stress will affect the fetus, while I of course forget to eat. Way to grow a baby, eh? Sometimes it really is too much to deal with.
No end in sight
I thought that all this stress would be over early next week. No longer. Seems there was a scheduling 'miscommunication,' and as expected, it is the student who gets screwed. I can't really explain the details, except that I have basically lost months and months of work and lost the time to do future work.
Needless to say I am taking to my bed. In a very, very belligerent mood.
And of course, in addition to stewing about the unfairness of the whole situation, I will be thinking about how much stress the poor baby has gone through this week and whether I can possibly continue to subject her to this amount of stress. Of course, high co.rt.is.ol was my initial IF problem, but the placenta produces it's own co.r.ti.sol and there are so few studies of women like me (because there are statistically so few of us) that no one knows what type of long-term damage this stress will cause to a fetus. One more thing to feel guilty about.
Needless to say I am taking to my bed. In a very, very belligerent mood.
And of course, in addition to stewing about the unfairness of the whole situation, I will be thinking about how much stress the poor baby has gone through this week and whether I can possibly continue to subject her to this amount of stress. Of course, high co.rt.is.ol was my initial IF problem, but the placenta produces it's own co.r.ti.sol and there are so few studies of women like me (because there are statistically so few of us) that no one knows what type of long-term damage this stress will cause to a fetus. One more thing to feel guilty about.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
It had to happen sometime ...
but really, wouldn't next week have been soon enough?
I'm exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm feeling really for bed. At 9 pm. I knew I was going to have to slow down at some point, but what's wrong with next week?
Feeling much better about the school mess. A few little things have been going right on campus - I now have a desk in a 24 building, so I can hopefully come work up here on the weekends and after JD gets home at night in the spring.
And at least the days are passing before my looming deadline. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Poor JD has fled to his parents both because I am super-stressed, but also because we haven't had time to unpack at all and that means we have nothing but one pot, 2 bowls and a few plastic utensils. He claims he had to go home because he was too hungry to stay in NYC. Oh well, can't be a great wife all the time and I'm perfectly content eating canned soup and mac and cheese for a week (shhh - don't tell the midwife).
I'm exhausted. I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon, and I'm feeling really for bed. At 9 pm. I knew I was going to have to slow down at some point, but what's wrong with next week?
Feeling much better about the school mess. A few little things have been going right on campus - I now have a desk in a 24 building, so I can hopefully come work up here on the weekends and after JD gets home at night in the spring.
And at least the days are passing before my looming deadline. We'll see how I feel tomorrow.
Poor JD has fled to his parents both because I am super-stressed, but also because we haven't had time to unpack at all and that means we have nothing but one pot, 2 bowls and a few plastic utensils. He claims he had to go home because he was too hungry to stay in NYC. Oh well, can't be a great wife all the time and I'm perfectly content eating canned soup and mac and cheese for a week (shhh - don't tell the midwife).
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Trying not to cry
I am not usually this emotional, or this caught up in the details of the bureaucracy of my university. But today it just feels like they're kicking me while I'm down.
I had 2 jobs lined up for this fall. I lost one earlier this week due to a bureaucratic mistake.
The second one was with the feminist studies institute. I was supposed to be paid $6,000 for a year-long internship. But whoops, they messed, did they say $6,000? They meant $1,200. I know, it's not a life-changing difference and we'll just dig a little deeper into debt in the spring, but it's hard to keep a straight face when they just 'don't understand' why I'm so upset. I had earmarked all of that money for childcare in the spring. It may not be enough for full-time daycare, but it's a lot of hours of ad-hoc babysitting or sharing somebody else's nanny. And now I don't have it, and it's way too late to find an interesting, flexible job for the fall and I really don't want to even consider a second job in the spring. And it just all-round sucks because this is one of the few organizations I expected to understand the situation and did not get all the details of my job offer in writing.
I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that it's the feminist institute that is making my life hell in the spring. All idealistic organizations at universities tend to be poorly administered. It's just that a nice, polite apology for screwing me over would have made me feel so much better. That, or telling me sometime before September 9th that they basically can't pay me.
ps - I usually try not to post about my program because it is such a small program that basically any detail might give away exactly what I do and where and I don't want my colleagues to find it. But this kind-of gets to me as a political issue more than an academic one. JD keeps talking about how I would have legal rights about all of these 'miscommunications' if I worked outside of academia.
I had 2 jobs lined up for this fall. I lost one earlier this week due to a bureaucratic mistake.
The second one was with the feminist studies institute. I was supposed to be paid $6,000 for a year-long internship. But whoops, they messed, did they say $6,000? They meant $1,200. I know, it's not a life-changing difference and we'll just dig a little deeper into debt in the spring, but it's hard to keep a straight face when they just 'don't understand' why I'm so upset. I had earmarked all of that money for childcare in the spring. It may not be enough for full-time daycare, but it's a lot of hours of ad-hoc babysitting or sharing somebody else's nanny. And now I don't have it, and it's way too late to find an interesting, flexible job for the fall and I really don't want to even consider a second job in the spring. And it just all-round sucks because this is one of the few organizations I expected to understand the situation and did not get all the details of my job offer in writing.
I guess I shouldn't be that surprised that it's the feminist institute that is making my life hell in the spring. All idealistic organizations at universities tend to be poorly administered. It's just that a nice, polite apology for screwing me over would have made me feel so much better. That, or telling me sometime before September 9th that they basically can't pay me.
ps - I usually try not to post about my program because it is such a small program that basically any detail might give away exactly what I do and where and I don't want my colleagues to find it. But this kind-of gets to me as a political issue more than an academic one. JD keeps talking about how I would have legal rights about all of these 'miscommunications' if I worked outside of academia.
little notes
It feels like it's been such a long week already that I have to document that things which are going right before I forget them ...
My building superintendent is on vacation. I do not like my super. In his absence I decided to work on getting a few little things fixed ...
a. A screen for the bathroom window to keep the rats out (he refused this request, the director approved it today)
b. Fix the paint which will peel directly from the ceiling into the wonderbaby's crib
c. On that note, they legally have to inspect the apartment for lead paint (my super denied this request until the baby arrives, director approved it today on the very reasonable request that we be given a little time to clean up before the baby arrives. All old buildings in NYC have some lead paint in them and mine was built in 1902 so we'll just find out how about it is. I'm honestly not that worried, but I will definitely invest in a vacuum if we have a lot of lead paint around).
For the bad, JD messed up when the movers are coming, making tomorrow a total mess. Oh, and I lost one of my jobs for this semester on a technicality, so that's even less money for daycare in the spring than expected. We're going to an information session tonight to find out just how bad the daycare situation in our neighborhood is for next spring (yes, wait lists for 15 months from now ...).
The best: Instead of running errands this morning JD apparently slept in. So much so that he was still in bed when I ran home for lunch, and I obviously decided to crawl into bed with him. Delicious.
My building superintendent is on vacation. I do not like my super. In his absence I decided to work on getting a few little things fixed ...
a. A screen for the bathroom window to keep the rats out (he refused this request, the director approved it today)
b. Fix the paint which will peel directly from the ceiling into the wonderbaby's crib
c. On that note, they legally have to inspect the apartment for lead paint (my super denied this request until the baby arrives, director approved it today on the very reasonable request that we be given a little time to clean up before the baby arrives. All old buildings in NYC have some lead paint in them and mine was built in 1902 so we'll just find out how about it is. I'm honestly not that worried, but I will definitely invest in a vacuum if we have a lot of lead paint around).
For the bad, JD messed up when the movers are coming, making tomorrow a total mess. Oh, and I lost one of my jobs for this semester on a technicality, so that's even less money for daycare in the spring than expected. We're going to an information session tonight to find out just how bad the daycare situation in our neighborhood is for next spring (yes, wait lists for 15 months from now ...).
The best: Instead of running errands this morning JD apparently slept in. So much so that he was still in bed when I ran home for lunch, and I obviously decided to crawl into bed with him. Delicious.
If it's not one thing ...
I was just about to call and yell and my old ob/gyn in City X for not sending my records to me after my midwife told me she still needed the anatomy scan until ... JD pointed out I actually haven't received any mail. I hadn't noticed because he was receiving mail. No mail for 6 weeks. Thank you USPS.
I called both my old post office in City X and the one in NYC and neither of them has seen any of my mail. And no, the USPS does not have a national number to report lost/stolen/missing mail. So everyone just told me to wait but it's been 6 weeks. Oh, and we just got married so there are theoretically still some presents/cards in the mail. Brilliant.
Any suggestions much appreciated.
I called both my old post office in City X and the one in NYC and neither of them has seen any of my mail. And no, the USPS does not have a national number to report lost/stolen/missing mail. So everyone just told me to wait but it's been 6 weeks. Oh, and we just got married so there are theoretically still some presents/cards in the mail. Brilliant.
Any suggestions much appreciated.
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