It is 4 am and I am sitting here trying to send a work-related e-mail explaining exactly how the utter meltdown in my personal life has affected my work. Fun stuff, as always.
In fact, it is so trite and predictable that I am left at a loss as to how we can really be almost done with 2012 and still dealing with this stuff. Let's see, student who also happens to be mother of two suddenly deals with husband in tailspin, single parenting, bizarre and stressful situation at work, and potentially seriously ill child (although thankfully probably not anything serious) while still battling post-partum anxiety, and you're wondering why she missed a deadline? And really does it matter in the big scheme of things? (Of course, the answer may well be yes and hence my fear of sending this e-mail).
A very wise friend and one I see fairly often (read: no longer working) pointed out that a large part of this stress is being in transition from a career-oriented future to ???? She reminded me that as soon as choices are made and paths are closed I will feel better, and I think she is right. On the other hand she had a successful career until she gave birth at age 41 so she is in much, much better position to return to the workforce in 5-10 years. For the past 2 weeks I have been asking everyone about life choices, about working and not working, about family size. And the short answer is that here in my exceedingly privileged pocket of NYC the options suck. I actually only know two women who genuinely work full-time and parent, and one is kind-of superwoman and the other is deeply miserable and has a very supportive husband. That's not so suggest that there aren't other mothers who work, I just would never even meet them or have entirely fallen out of touch (superwoman and I see each other 1-2 times a year even though we live in the same neighborhood).
Example A, the kids participate in a truly idyllic shared-tutoring in Chin.ese with another little girl. I have e-mailed with her mother at least 20 times, but we've never met. Her nanny arrives at 7 am and leaves at 8 pm weekdays, and puts in a shorter weekend day. Everything indicates that she's an involved parent: planning activities for her kids, nursing, co-sleeping ... but I am never going to meet this woman because she's simply too busy with work to take a day off and see what her daughter does on an average day (just like JD has yet to step foot into the fusspot's classroom and apparently the teachers were playing the game guess-that-kids-racial-identity game because they've never so much as laid eyes on him, and probably never will. School drop-off is at 9 am and pick up is at 3 and he'll be at work during this hours every day this year).
Exhibit B, the friend who had us over for dinner on Saturday night. She is worried about her fertility (with possibly some cause) but has decided to put off children for another 5 years to establish her career. She doesn't want to, but feels like she has no other option. She also has a boss who "can't afford childcare and has to leave her baby with her elderly mother" and "is putting off #2 until after a big work event next year." Now this is all hearsay and I've certainly never met her boss, but it is exactly the type of hearsay floating around our neighborhood. In summary, sub-par childcare, a mother crying at her desk at work, and delaying her second child until after a work deadline (for the record she's neither a political candidate nor a scientist about to cure AIDs, in fact the boss has a rather low-level job that is not exactly saving the world, and she's also pushing 40). Working women who really want careers (as opposed to jobs, which is what happened in Lalaland. All of the women worked but they never advanced, and many simply stopped trying to do so) are unhappy. Or they are too busy to see their kids or their friends. Like say my friend of 8 or so years who also lives in the neighborhood and used to have her nanny put their son down for a "third nap" at 7 pm. He would then wake up when she got home at 10 pm and they'd have a family dinner and he'd go back to bed with his mother at midnight. Needless to say I haven't seen her in over a year, although last I heard she was trying an 80% workweek.
I have never doubted that I'd enjoy being a stay at home mother for a few years, or even a decade or so. I love the time I spend with my kids, I know the other SAHMs in the neighborhood, and I grew up in a very hippie environment so I have hundreds of hours of fun things I would like to do with my children while they are young. The problem is that while we could swing it financially temporarily, we couldn't do it for all that long. And JD really doesn't cope well with the stress of being the only breadwinner. So sooner or later I would need to go back to work, and as someone without any type of established career my fear is that work would be so extremely limited as to be problematic. If I really want part-time work and agree to take over all of the household stuff as part of the exchange for having JD being the only worker for a year or two, I will not be ready to jump back into a high stress full-time job in a new field (since mine has zero "on ramp." Zero). So then I'm left with childcare, teaching middle or high school, secretarial-style work. Nothing that I would not regret in the long run or that would bring in enough money to help pay for the kids' college, a few big trips, etc. And the guilt of knowing that my "choices" mean that my kids will only be able to go to college if they are willing to take on huge amounts of student loans. Or the utter disjuncture of encouraging my daughter to work hard in school ... towards what? A future at home? Or stuck in a workforce that cannot accommodate women?
And back to today. I was not getting anything done at work, so rather than pick the fusspot up from school at 3 and walk her to daycare, then go back to work for an hour and a half, I took the afternoon off. And as I was walking down the street, pushing the double stroller with one hand and carrying the dumpling on my hip, I ran straight into a female professor I know quite well. One who has not exactly been supportive, despite being a middle aged mother (of one son, now in high school and with a husband with a very flexible work schedule). So basically one of the few women who made it through. She looked straight at me with a look of disgust as I walked down the street at 3 pm with my two children. And then she kept walking. No hello, nada.
It just feels like I am scratching my way into a fortress that I don't even want to get into anymore. And while I am sure that I would adjust, the alternative still feels like an utter failure. Not the more time for parenting, less stress part, but the part where I spend 26 years in school (continuously, folks, age 5 to age 31) and land up with a job I could have done at 22.
In fact, it is so trite and predictable that I am left at a loss as to how we can really be almost done with 2012 and still dealing with this stuff. Let's see, student who also happens to be mother of two suddenly deals with husband in tailspin, single parenting, bizarre and stressful situation at work, and potentially seriously ill child (although thankfully probably not anything serious) while still battling post-partum anxiety, and you're wondering why she missed a deadline? And really does it matter in the big scheme of things? (Of course, the answer may well be yes and hence my fear of sending this e-mail).
A very wise friend and one I see fairly often (read: no longer working) pointed out that a large part of this stress is being in transition from a career-oriented future to ???? She reminded me that as soon as choices are made and paths are closed I will feel better, and I think she is right. On the other hand she had a successful career until she gave birth at age 41 so she is in much, much better position to return to the workforce in 5-10 years. For the past 2 weeks I have been asking everyone about life choices, about working and not working, about family size. And the short answer is that here in my exceedingly privileged pocket of NYC the options suck. I actually only know two women who genuinely work full-time and parent, and one is kind-of superwoman and the other is deeply miserable and has a very supportive husband. That's not so suggest that there aren't other mothers who work, I just would never even meet them or have entirely fallen out of touch (superwoman and I see each other 1-2 times a year even though we live in the same neighborhood).
Example A, the kids participate in a truly idyllic shared-tutoring in Chin.ese with another little girl. I have e-mailed with her mother at least 20 times, but we've never met. Her nanny arrives at 7 am and leaves at 8 pm weekdays, and puts in a shorter weekend day. Everything indicates that she's an involved parent: planning activities for her kids, nursing, co-sleeping ... but I am never going to meet this woman because she's simply too busy with work to take a day off and see what her daughter does on an average day (just like JD has yet to step foot into the fusspot's classroom and apparently the teachers were playing the game guess-that-kids-racial-identity game because they've never so much as laid eyes on him, and probably never will. School drop-off is at 9 am and pick up is at 3 and he'll be at work during this hours every day this year).
Exhibit B, the friend who had us over for dinner on Saturday night. She is worried about her fertility (with possibly some cause) but has decided to put off children for another 5 years to establish her career. She doesn't want to, but feels like she has no other option. She also has a boss who "can't afford childcare and has to leave her baby with her elderly mother" and "is putting off #2 until after a big work event next year." Now this is all hearsay and I've certainly never met her boss, but it is exactly the type of hearsay floating around our neighborhood. In summary, sub-par childcare, a mother crying at her desk at work, and delaying her second child until after a work deadline (for the record she's neither a political candidate nor a scientist about to cure AIDs, in fact the boss has a rather low-level job that is not exactly saving the world, and she's also pushing 40). Working women who really want careers (as opposed to jobs, which is what happened in Lalaland. All of the women worked but they never advanced, and many simply stopped trying to do so) are unhappy. Or they are too busy to see their kids or their friends. Like say my friend of 8 or so years who also lives in the neighborhood and used to have her nanny put their son down for a "third nap" at 7 pm. He would then wake up when she got home at 10 pm and they'd have a family dinner and he'd go back to bed with his mother at midnight. Needless to say I haven't seen her in over a year, although last I heard she was trying an 80% workweek.
I have never doubted that I'd enjoy being a stay at home mother for a few years, or even a decade or so. I love the time I spend with my kids, I know the other SAHMs in the neighborhood, and I grew up in a very hippie environment so I have hundreds of hours of fun things I would like to do with my children while they are young. The problem is that while we could swing it financially temporarily, we couldn't do it for all that long. And JD really doesn't cope well with the stress of being the only breadwinner. So sooner or later I would need to go back to work, and as someone without any type of established career my fear is that work would be so extremely limited as to be problematic. If I really want part-time work and agree to take over all of the household stuff as part of the exchange for having JD being the only worker for a year or two, I will not be ready to jump back into a high stress full-time job in a new field (since mine has zero "on ramp." Zero). So then I'm left with childcare, teaching middle or high school, secretarial-style work. Nothing that I would not regret in the long run or that would bring in enough money to help pay for the kids' college, a few big trips, etc. And the guilt of knowing that my "choices" mean that my kids will only be able to go to college if they are willing to take on huge amounts of student loans. Or the utter disjuncture of encouraging my daughter to work hard in school ... towards what? A future at home? Or stuck in a workforce that cannot accommodate women?
And back to today. I was not getting anything done at work, so rather than pick the fusspot up from school at 3 and walk her to daycare, then go back to work for an hour and a half, I took the afternoon off. And as I was walking down the street, pushing the double stroller with one hand and carrying the dumpling on my hip, I ran straight into a female professor I know quite well. One who has not exactly been supportive, despite being a middle aged mother (of one son, now in high school and with a husband with a very flexible work schedule). So basically one of the few women who made it through. She looked straight at me with a look of disgust as I walked down the street at 3 pm with my two children. And then she kept walking. No hello, nada.
It just feels like I am scratching my way into a fortress that I don't even want to get into anymore. And while I am sure that I would adjust, the alternative still feels like an utter failure. Not the more time for parenting, less stress part, but the part where I spend 26 years in school (continuously, folks, age 5 to age 31) and land up with a job I could have done at 22.
2 comments:
No suggestions, just wanted to say that I hope you find a way through this that works for you & your family. Thinking of you and hating that it has to be like this.
I'm sorry. I'm trying to build career #2 with a little one and I said "I can't go to a meeting at 7:30 on a Friday night while baby's dad is out of town. It's shitty our society doesn't really recognize the importance of raising kids or having a family because it doesn't earn a buck.
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